Rating the Lesbians, Volume 1
Two friends. Two girls kissing each other on film. A lifetime of precious moments!
written by Emily & B on December 2, 2025

Volume 1 :: Volume 2 :: Volume 3 :: Volume 4 :: Volume 5 :: Volume 6 :: Volume 7

Emily and I met on the day Aaliyah died.

Since that day of National Tragedy we have bonded together as the closest of friends, sharing the kind of bond forged only by mutual loss of family and showings of Rollerball and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at the local second-run dollar-movie. She comes to me when she needs someone to talk to, I come to her when I need somebody to take an F-5. It's a precious ecosystem. Please donate five dollars via PayPal to maintain the Progressive Boink Drop Emily Hilariously on Her Head Foundation.

I have taught her to love wrestling enough to become a jaded smark. She has taught me to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer enough to become a jaded fan. One thing that we have in common is our love of violent disappointment. Another thing we have in common is our love of lesbians! And that brings us to today.

Lesbians are everywhere. You can't swing a double-ended ass-to-ass sexual device without hitting a lesbian! The real lesbians are hard to find. They live in caverns and under the left-over staging and lighting equipment in the Lillith Fair warehouse. If you're looking for a straight woman who plays a lesbian in something you're in luck! Many of them are on national television now, often times with their back to the camera, removing a piece of clothing as the camera fades out, and you're left masturbating to a Dell Intern commercial.

Emily and I love lesbians and lesbian accessories enough to passionately discuss them over hot cups of peppermint mocha and pink triangles. We have collected our thoughts here, for you the reader, and for you, the forum dweller, who drains our bandwith without ever actually reading our website. We love these people the most! So that's three things we have in common.

And then Emily said, what about, Breakfast at Tiffany's? I said I, think I, remember the film and, as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it. And I said, well that's, four things we've got.

Violent disappointment, lesbians, forum dwellers, and bad punctuation from Deep Blue Something.

Enjoy the post, guys!!11

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Jaime Pressley

Television Show: Fastlane, FOX
She: Television's Kelly Kapowski, the only girl in the 90210 zip code with a nightclub and AIDS.
She: Television's 1-800-Collect Angel, Poison Ivy seductress alumni, and famous for thinking that Amanda Beckett is so not as pretty as Gwyneth.

B: I called in to work on a Friday night so I wouldn't have to miss this episode of Fastlane, and I discovered two things: Firstly, if you let Busta Rhymes make an undercover cop show and let him do everything in fish-eye lens and that annoying rap video time jump fast forward until the editing machine burped Cristall, you'd have Fastlane; Secondly, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen is not 1/16ths as hot without denim shorts and KEDS. I felt satisfied by understanding the limits of network television and appreciated both girls' evident gung-whore attitude toward the act, but I felt ultimately rewarded by joking that Thiessen's character "dialed down the center."

Emily: I agree, I was t-totally disappointed. I agree that both actresses seemed to be intent on looking like they wanted to be engaging in their sinful act of homosex (as opposed to Hal Sparks at the beginning of his Queer as Folk run, looking like he could barely hold in the vomit from having another cock within sniffing distance). Regardless, that doesn't change the fact that a bad kisser is a bad kisser, regardless of location. It was almost as if they were both so intent on looking hot for the camera that they couldn't shut their mouths even slightly. Kissing is a beautiful, romantic, and yes very hot thing to look at. But it doesn't always have to be Axl Rose and Stephanie Seymour, November Raining it for all the world to see. In fact, it's really better if it's never like that.

Really, the fact I was able to watch long enough to see the entire kiss without falling into a Fastlane-induced seizure is astounding.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Remind me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men."
-- Xena to Gabrielle in "Chariots of War"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho

Uma Thurman and Maria de Medeiros

Film: Henry and June (1990)
She: The owner of a garden that needs tending since breaking up with Hobbit ex-husband Ethan Hawke; giving God the sneaking suspicion that if he, on his journey, should encouter her, he will be cut.
She: Maria de Mediros, European actress of unknown origin, playing Anais Nin, famous European sex-chronicler of unknown origin. Also, wishes she had a pot, and forgot to bring Bruce Willis' lucky watch.

Emily: Uma seems to make out with chicks in all of her movies. She does it in this one, she makes out with Rain Phoenix in "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" (*shudder*), and she makes out wit Chiaki Kuriyama in "Kill Bill." Wait, no, that last one is only in my head. That being said, Uma doesn't do anything for me. Even in her prettier days, I've always found her to be a bit too hang-dog. And her voice reminds me of Dory speaking whale in "Finding Nemo." So, yeah, this wasn't one of my favorite scenes. The entire movie is building towards these two women getting it on, and when they do I'm just sort of, "eh." I guess a fairly vanilla lesbian scene is hard to get excited about when you've been watching a tiny pixie of a woman bounce up and down on Fred Ward's euphamism for an hour and a half.

This movie brought out my more hetero tendencies. I spent most the film just wishing Richard E. Grant would get naked again. I'm a weird girl.

B: Uma is in the "collective," meaning that she was crucial to the badness of Batman and Robin. Whenever she is not in a giant apge mascot costume dancing seductively for Robin I am a fan of Uma and her nakedness, from the highs of pregnancy boobs to the lows of Gattaca. Vanilla love scene or no, this ranks as Uma's second greatest on-screen lesbian kiss, right behind her kissing John Malkovich in Dangerous Liasons. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm furiously masturbating as long as Chris O'Donnell isn't wandering around somewhere. Except for him getting hit by a train in Fried Green Tomatoes. I'm jacking like a season of 24 at that point. And I don't think you're weird, Em, I spent all of "The Little Vampire" wishing Richard E. Grant would get naked again, so I could see if the human head really weighs eight pounds.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Don't confuse defending yourself with using a weapon. When you pull a sword you have to be ready to kill."
-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho

Eliza Dushku and Angela Featherstone eating each others boogers

Film: Soul Survivors (2001)
She: A totally SPAH-tan Vampire Slayer, who uses her spare time to steal cheerleading moves from black high schoolers and steal virginity from black principals (who are you kidding) and pirates in Sunnydale.
She: Making Adam Sandler fucking choke whenever he thinks about her.

B: This is an example of a director who assumedly knows no lesbians taking lesbian passion eighteen steps too far. Dushku and Featherstone are discovered in a library not so much kissing as trying to clean each others lower faces with their respective tongues. This is about as sexy as my first girlfriend trying to kiss me and bashing her front teeth into my mouth. So now all I'm left with is a mouth full of blood and the image of Faith the Vampire Slayer ripping off a 40 year-old woman's shirt as she digs for gold with her tongue up her nose. Thanks a lot, chilling teen suspense.

Emily: Get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you curse the band and they break up.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Don't be sorry, just improve."
-- Xena in "The Titans"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3 Sappho for sexiness and hilarity

Hilary Swank and Chloe Sevigny

Film: Boys Don't Cry (1999)
She: Oscar winner.
She: Oscar Meyer eater. With this big gross brown spot on her boob.

Emily: Chloe Sevigny looks like an afghan hound and Hilary Swank looks like the boy I had a crush on in Junior High. That's not very hot. Despite all the nights I spent in bed fantasizing about that boy doing lame shit like touching my panties (I was way too retarded to even consider sex at that point), I can't recall ever wishing to see him finger banging The Tramp. In conclusion, I would've rather watched Becky Conner have make out with. . . .Other Becky Conner.

B: If I had to pick two Roseanne cast members to watch make out I would pick Tom Arnold and John Goodman. It would combine the comedy of Normal, Ohio with the gayness of The Jackie Thomas Show. I would always rather watch fat men exploring than watch the Next Karate Kid pretend to fuck one of the KIDS and then show her vagina to a bunch of rednecks. Is anybody else bothered by the fact that the first thing she did after getting sexually assaulted was go have sexy lesbian sex again? I guess not. Bill Engvall should have a comedy review where he says "HERE'S YOUR OSCAR."

"I was driving down I-95 last week and my engine started smoking...so I'm sitting there on the side of the highway with my hood up, and this actress stops her car and pulls over. She walks right up to me and asks, 'Is your car broken? Hey look, I'm a retard. BLAH BLAH BLARGH look at me! I'm so retarded.'

HERE'S YOUR OSCAR."

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Were you trying to kill yourself or are you just new at this?"
-- Xena in "The Ties that Bind"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 0.5 Sappho

Angelina Jolie feeding baby birds and Elizabeth Mitchell

Film: Gia, HBO (1998)
She: Creeping self-parody, a brother-fucking tomb-raiding blood-wearing cheekbone-centric walking pair of lips and tits.
She: Frequency's Mom.

B: "Gia" is the Helen of Troy of made for TV movies -- the naked lesbian romp that launched a thousand cracked out bi-curious and easy teenage girls. Jolie's strongest asset, I feel, is her ability to kiss on screen. This could be because of her sensuous aura, but more accurately because of her willingness to stick her tongue as far as she can into anything that moves. Although she does this creepy thing where she puts her hand on Elizabeth Mitchell's face and kinda licks her in the mouth. Come to think of it, shortly after rubbing her boobs over her girlfriend (and a steel cage), Jolie dresses like a geisha girl and then dies. That's all I can ask from an Angelina Jolie movie. That, and NON-STOP ACTION THRILL RIDE

And scenes where Brittany Murphy is badly burned.

Emily: Hey B, that wasn't actually Brittany who was badly burned in "Girl, Interrupted."

B: I know. I still want scenes where Brittany Murphy is badly burned.

Emily: On a related note, she did make out with Reese Witherspoon in "Freeway," but that was back in the now-forgotten times when she still looked Clueless-esque, and hung out with that other chick from "The Torklesons." I wonder if she asked the man in the moon for a boyfriend as pretty as Ashton.

Topic, yeah. Anyway, I agree that Angelina makes out with girls better than most young starlets. But I wish she wouldn't. 'Cause frankly if I have to listen to one more skinny 20 year old with a tribal tattoo and a thrift store t-shirt tell me how great "Life of Something Like It" was, I'm gonna. . . I dunno, have sex with more men, I guess.

Elizabeth Mitchell was on that one failed television show with that one guy I thought was really hot. That is all.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "You're trying to slow me down. You're using the past of a Xena long dead. I'm not her anymore!"
-- Xena in "Dreamworker"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 3.5 Sappho

Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson

Television Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, WB and UPN
She: One time, at band camp, became a sexual icon for boys with lowered expectations and not enough personal aspirations to lust after Cordelia.
She: Lost in ecstacy, spread beneath her Willow tree. Eww.

Emily: The thing I don't understand is why the writers teased Willow/Tara for SO LONG, leaving the relationship in subtext, then allowing the subtext to float over the floor at the bronze. Then when they finally kissed, it was done with no fanfare, and was no big deal. I liked that, I thought it was well played, natural, for once. But yet, like two minutes after Tara died Willow hooked up with Kennedy, and we had to watch the girl from the Tampax commercial rub her tongue ring over Hannigan while she made an O face like there was a penis involved. Just another example of Buffy losing every single shred of subtlety in it's last two years.

Oh hey, I didn't make a joke. Wait a sec, here it comes. . . . MORE LIKE KENNEDY THE VAGINA SLAYER AM I RIGHT?

B: Willow is the most romantically reprehensible character in modern television. She goes circa sixteen years without ever having a boyfriend. Then less than a year after finally finding someone who loves her and treats her with respect, she cheats on her Furry boyfriend with Xander, a guy who chooses to wait until he's dating the hottest and most popular girl in school to finally swap saliva with the softer side of Sears. She's forgiven, and decides that she's with the love of her life. He skips town and she makes cry eyes for (I counted) twenty-six seconds before holding hands and vaginas with a girl she meets in a college Wicca club meeting. So, yeah, okay, whatever, I can accept that it's not just a rebound thing or college experimentation and that Willow has learned to love somebody for who they are on the inside, and not because of what's hanging or not hanging.

Then Tara gets shot. Willow goes OH BAYBEE NOOO BABYEE HO NO and sounds like Mr. Bill getting sliced up by a pizza cutter. Before Tara's body hits the floor (and splashes into the drowning pool) Willow is taking photo booth pictures inside of Kennedy's vertical Hellmouth. Then, when under the influence of a love spell, Willow demands that the object of her affection be turned into a girl. Because she loved Tara for her lack of dangling participles and not for her nouns and verbs. And then Spike shows up, and the show is ruined. Now sod off, I'm going to masturbate to Cordelia singing "Greatest Love of All."

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
-- Gabrielle in "The Path Not Taken"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1.5 Sappho

That One Scene from Dude, Where's My C

Anna Paquin and Bijou Phillips

Film: Almost Famous (2000)
She: Trying to inspire her mother to speak through her piano without touching her skin and absorbing her muteness.
She: would rather eat glass.

B: I can think of two things better than Anna Paquin in her underwear: nirvanic enlightenment, and the New York Rangers winning the 1994 Stanley Cup. For explanation purposes, consider Anna's thinly covered flesh as the 94 Cup victory. Consider the brevity of this specific scene to be the disappointment of the 95 season, and the subsequent loss of Messier and wasting of Gretzky. Consider the inclusion of Bijou Phillips instead of Fairuza Balk (the other groupie in the same scene) as the acquisition of Eric Lindros. The lack of an extended scene on DVD is comparable to Lindros having a head made of jelly and getting a concussion in real life whenever he's checked hard in NHL 95 for the Sega Genesis. This should make perfect sense now. And despite it all, I hold with me two precious memories: Mark Messier hoisting Lord Stanley's cup above his head in celebration, and the outline of Anna Paquin's nipples.

Emily: Let's be honest here: this scene isn't really "making out," it lasts all of one second. And while I will admit that Anna Paquin is quite the cutie, I look at her and all I hear is, "AH NEED A RAHHHHD." I don't know anything about hockey, so I can't tell whether B's comment about Fairuza Balk was to suggest that her exclusion was good or bad. Fairuza Balk and I share a birthday. There's a girl at work who thinks I look like her. This same girl did a project in high school in which she acted out "The Craft" through dance. I don't think I can add anything to that. So basically I didn't have anything relevant to add to this scene. Thanks for coming out folks!

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Gabrielle, do you want to fight me to the death?"
"Not really."
-- Melosa and Gabrielle in "Hooves and Harlots"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 5 Sappho (thanks to Sapphometric tampering)

Jennifer Connelly and Kristy Swanson

Film: Higher Learning (1995)
She: John Nash's beautiful wife, rapidly shrinking in size from a sexy young woman with huge boobs to a dried old skeleton lady wrapped in beige fabric in less than a decade.
She: Techincally the fourth Buffy the Vampire Slayer alumna on this list. So far.

Emily: This is one of those movies that I watched at 14 and thought was really great, but I realize now is just pretentious overwrought crap. Its a film that features murderous nazis, date rape via Tori Amos, Morpheus with Dred Scott hair, and Tyra Banks akwardly licking a nipple. Then, in the midst of all this madness, is the most beautiful woman in the world experimenting with the love that dare not speak it's name. But you know what sucks? That instead of any real action, the camera just sort of zooms in as the two women get closer, then cuts to Swanson making out with the guy who wasn't Jack Noseworthy in that Bon Jovi video that gave B such a boner for Carla Gugino. I guess John Singleton, preoccupied by how best to film his girlfriend at the time fucking Willie Mays Hayes that he didn't know how to give the people what they want.

B: Higher Learning...more like Lower Body Stimulating! Eight years later Kristy Swanson has posed for Playboy ten years after anybody would've cared, and Jennifer Connelly has an Oscar as a reward for never eating. I look at my floor, and I see it needs sweeping. Still The Rocketeer gently weeps.

ALSO JOHN NASH CAN NOT TAKE MORE THAN TWO STEPS WITHOUT SUSTAINING AN INJURY WHOA GUYS WOAH

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "I am Xena, Warrior Princess lol"
-- Xena in "Rating the Lesbians"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 4 Sappho

Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley

Film: Showgirls (1995)
She: Fish-lipped Kravitz receptacle who looks unnervingly a lot like Billy Zane.
She: So excited. So excited. So...scared.

B: Hubba hubba, mama! Consider this "Saved by the Bell: Isle of Lesbos Style!" Jessie Spanno, I need to see you in the Principal's office...IMMEDIATELY. Berkley is the second Saved by the Bell cast member on this list, what's next? Lisa sticking her fingers up Miss Bliss? Zack dressing up like a woman and accidentally having a naked roll-around with Stacey Corosi? When I first saw this scene it made me SCREECH! And I'm spent.

PS. saved by the bell remember that lol

The kiss itself is pretty hot, but at the end of Showgirls and featuring Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon.

Emily: Showgirls seems to me to be flawed in execution. Now, I know saying that is like saying, "the ground seems to be under my feet today" but hear me out. What is it about Joe Estherhaus (probably spelled wrong, sue me) that thinks he should make a movie about a slutty hard bodied dancer and then proceed to make us watch her eat junk food for two hours. By the time she gets around to the kiss, its just kinda groddy since we're pretty sure she's got food stuck in her teeth. Gina Gershon, I must say, is smokin' hot, even in this, her 600th year. She (rather than Jolie) is my bi-curious icon of choice. I give her three snaps in a Z formation.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Kevin Sorbo looks like the Beastmaster on estrogen and with a cock in his chocolate."
-- Xena in "Hercules: The Legendary Boner"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho

Britney Spears and Madonna the Grey

Television Show: MTV Video Music Awards (2003)
She: Against the music.
She: Clinging desperately to relevance; trying to hit it chic-a-ta before minutes from now when she take-a you on.

Emily: I'd like to start off first by saying that any man who spent the friday after this happened searching for these pictures, downloading them, then touching themselves inappropriately needs to be banned from the internet. Each one of you has been declared by Emily to be the absolute perviest of the pervys. Worse than the pedophiles, worse than the foot fetishists, worse than the people with a hard-on for prostethic limbs. And do you know why?

Because this stunt was the absolute epitome of what's wrong with almost every instance of girl-on-girl action; a sad, unconvincing vie for attention and eroticism. Britney is a hard-bodied robot, and Madonna is a turkey-necked woman of a certain age trying all too obviously to hold onto the image she cultivated 15 years ago. I would think that even people who find Britney to be some physical ideal of feminity should be bothered to see her mechanically kissing some over-yogaed, under-botoxed milf with her roots showing. But you weren't bothered were you, internet? You didn't turn away, did you? No, you all looked, and you all enjoyed it. Shame.

B: I thought it was pretty hot. ROLF j/k

My favorite part of the VMAs was the next segment, where Ashanti had awkward sexual chemistry with awkward sexual chemist/11 year old basketball star LeBron James. It was like watching the down syndrome kid pet the pretty girl's hair. Either that segment, or watching Christina Aguilera get buried under the Britney/Madonna DNA chain-sharing as her chunky thighs grew more and more orange. Next year I wanna see Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton make out in the opening number, so they can transform and roll out into one big robotic bad teen songwriter.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!"
-- Xena in "Scarface"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2.5 Sappho

James King and Laura Prepon

Film: Slackers (2002)
She: Seriously thinking that changing her name from "James" to "Jamie" will erase the dozen heroin-junkie pierced-nipples pictures that anybody with Yahoo and an erection can find and make her middle-America's sweetheart.
She: Having the biggest boobs on "That '70s Show," unless you count Ashton Kutcher's head.

B: Despite it's premise of "underachievers going the extra mile," the film "Slackers" looked like a can't miss prospect; not only did it star Max Fischer from "Rushmore," but also Eminem's Biggest Fan This is Stan, Devon Sawa, AND the pre-movie magazine guarantee of a Laura Prepon lesbian kiss. She bragged about how she used a lot of tongue, and how they really got into it. I paid full price for the first showing on opening day. I wore my big jacket so I could smuggle in two bottles of hand lotion, a box of Kleenex, and my Hello Kitty vibrator. Then the movie starts.

About five minutes into it Max has a fantasy about making out with both girls, so they stand about sixteen feet away from each other and touch the tips of their tongues, which is totally how I would passionately make out with someone in a fantasy, as long as I was Pedro Zamora and the object of my affection was a big cardboard box full of MORE AIDS. I sat there flaccidly with my zipper undone thinking, "that was it?" I kept my fingers (lol) crossed that there was another scene later, but the closest thing I got was Elder Pete from Pete and Pete with a sock puppet on his dick.

Worst movie ever. :'(

Emily: I wasn't quite as excited about this movie as B, but I can tell you that I thought JAMES King was really hot, for a heroin junkie with pierced nipples. Jamie King, not so much. Prepon doesn't do much for me, as my overly pale redhead of choice is Alicia Witt. Then again, I'm an overly pale redhead, so I CHOOSE ME. Hello and I'm a dipshit.

Remember in "Not Another Teen Movie" when the slutty chick makes out with the really old woman? Wait, did that actually happen? I dunno, I only watched the movie once, and the Slow Clapper is really all I remember about it except for Marilyn Manson's cover of "Tainted Love." So, yeah, I don't remember if that was actually in the movie or if I just made it up in my head, but either way it was probably about as hot as this scene appears to be.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Most "Interest Only" loans are not balloon type mortgages.  Those that have a longer initial fixed period such as the 3,5,7 and 10 year  programs will not have the note due and payable at the end of the fixed term.  The mortgage will simply turn into a fully amortized loan thus your balance (after 5 years on a 5 year fixed interest only loan) will be amortized over the remaining 25 years as a normal 25 year mortgage would except at an adjustable rate." 
-- Xena's "Hut Investment Quote"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 1 Sappho

Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson

PPV: WWE Armageddon (2002)
She: A lonely widowed woman, hell bent to make it on her own. Also, goes into cardiac arrest whenever she's wearing more than six ounces of cloth at a time.
She: Sexual predator who likes sticking dum-dums in her various orifices, lollipops and vanilla cruiserweights alike.

Emily: When I started this, I was poised to go into another rant about how forced this whole thing was, and how Torrie Wilson is shoved down our throats as "sexy," but how her sexiness is completely awkward an unnatural, like she's a 12 year old girl trying to mimic Kim Cattrall. But then I remembered that this is a humor site, and you guys clicked this link for the funny. . . .well, no, you clicked this link for the pictures, but anyway. Rather than give my personal opinion on the matter, I'm going to give you some brief glimpses into the lives of my parents. Picture it, Armageddon, last december. . . .

My mom: Who are they?
Me: Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie.
Mom: The blonde is a bimbo, and the other looks. . . .rode hard.
Me: Yeah. . . .

My dad: Hey, what's going on?
Me: Dawn Marie is going to marry Torrie's dad unless Torrie has sex with her.
Dad: Oh.
(Torrie and Dawn make out)
Dad: (standing and stretching). . . . well, I guess it's about time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail. .

B: I was at this show live, so I can honestly say that behind Kurt Angle winning the WWE title, watching Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrero wrestle, and Booker T and Goldust winning the title, watching Torrie's father Al Wilson stand sadly in the ring as this played is one of the finest moments of entertaining-sports I've bared witness to in that specific night. The retarded sick side of me was hoping that Vince would convince the involved parties to all film a sexy vignette together, so we could get that incest storyline that the McMahons have been executing/pushing on unwilling wrestlers for the last five years. Instead, the storyline ended with Al Wilson being killed by sex, and Torrie turning out to actually be a sexual predator who a) had sex with Rena Mero, who is both a mummy and frightening, and b) had group sex with a redneck, the redneck's girlfriend, and a giant steroided homosexual. And that, my friends, is why I love wrestling.

No wait I messed up.

No I didn't, that was sarcasm. Man, I can't even tell anymore.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Then it happened one day
we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
when he saw his own eyes
I said 'please please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing you can'"
-- Xena in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to Other Women You"

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 2 Sappho

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair

Film: Cruel Intentions (1999)
She: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Doing what everybody else from Buffy the Vampire Slayer does: make out with a girl and then make fifteen bad movies.
She: Auditioned for the role of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So think of her as like an Earth-2 Buffy. Like an uglier Buffy with grey temples in her hair and a hat with wings on it.

B: The king fish (smell) of all Faux-teen Faux-lesbian movie makeout scenes. Sarah Michelle Gellar was one of my first crushes when she was Kendall on "All My Children" and I had an entire summer off to watch soap operas with my Mom and eat stroganoff, and brown-haired heavily clothed Cruel Intentions Gellar allows me to easily pretend that that whole "stick-figure Prinze-marrying weepy-face Spike-humping" blonde phase never happened. I think it says something that this has caused me to ejaculate with a picture of Selma Blair on my screen. Masturbating to Selma Blair is like masturbating to a concentration camp filmstrip.

"After its defeat in World War I, Germany was FAP FAP FAP humiliated by the Versailles Treaty, which reduced its prewar FAP FAP FAP territory, drastically reduced its FAP FAP FAP armed FAP FAP FAP forces, demanded the recognition of its guilt for the war, and stipulated FAP FAP FAP it pay FAP FAP FAP reparations to the allied powers. FAP FAP FAPOH OH GOD"

Mein Godin Himmel! Mein penis hat explodiert!

Emily: Okay, okay, I'm not going to say anything bad. Yes, it was very hot. The fake girl-kiss that launched a thousand. . . fuck, I don't know. A thousand sperm? Totally lost the punchline there. A Thousand Sperm sounds like some weird house band though. Just as Angelina Jolie sticking her nipple through a fence caused 90 gillion girls to get drunk and find out "what it's like," The Selma/Smudge kiss was just for the fellas. So. . . I won't make any snide comments about Zoe, or Duncan, or Jack, or Jane. I won't nitpick about the insane amount of tongue. I won't wonder why a supposedly 18 year old girl is wearing a big 'ol Jackie Collins at a polo match hat. I won't. I'm letting you guys have this one. So scroll up again, look at the pictures for the millionth time, and know that momma loves you.

XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS says: "Hey, by 'subtext' do you think they mean they want me to show my labia?"
-- Xena in "My Contract has Got to Be Almost Up"

"Inner and Outer labia"
-- Travis Brickley, U.S. National Karate Team

The P-Boi Sapphometer Reading: 5 Sappho

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