The year is 1996. A once-successful television producer has seen his career plummet after producing a series of duds including "Jimmy Mathers: Mential Patient M.D." and "Uh Oh! Here Come the British!" Knowing that the industry will only give him one more shot, he pours all his resources, time, and emotion into a documentary that aims to present the everyday tribulations of the day's youth as never before. Unfortunately, his field team and researchers dropped the ball, and chose two 16-year-olds, known as Kinger and Schmo, to follow around.
This producer invests all his capital toward filming these two kids, only to find out that their so-called plight not only is not compelling, but nauseatingly stupid and self-indulgent. He pitches a finished product to networks, but is laughed at by every executive with which he meets. He even spends all his credibility to land showings at film festivals, but is critically deadpanned and made into a laughingstock.
His fortune and career slipping away, his marriage begins to suffer. Things get worse and worse until he finally suffers a nervous breakdown. He burns down the studio in which all the film was stored, drives home, shoots his wife, and hangs himself.
What follows is one transcribed page of a production blotter successfully salvaged from the inferno.
6:35 - Kinger wakes up to Ugly Kid Joe's "Menace to Sobriety," resonating from JVC 250-watt CD/casette player with 5-disc changer and optional bass boost setting given to him as a Bar Mitzvah gift by his nana. Moshes around room before settling on "WEEDBUCKS" t-shirt. Puts on flannel overshirt so to obscure logo from parents' view.
6:52 - Kinger enters kitchen, where mother has prepared a lovely breakfast spread consisting of waffles, eggs, orange juice and cantaloupe garnished with parsley. Kinger pantomimes a "smoking the herb" motion using the parsley and a ripped corner of his napkin as his mother is distracted by the dirty dishes. Just as he's about to help himself to a second bowl of Special K, a low-quality car horn rendition of "Smoke on the Water," can be heard coming from the driveway, signifying the arrival of Joseph "Schmo" Solomon. Before leaving, is told to have a good day at school by his mother, to which he replies "only if it burns down."
11:28 - Kinger sits in history class while teacher gives a lecture, letting his head hang backward as me makes audible sighing noises. Teacher stops lecture to ask if there's a problem, and if Kinger had time to disrupt the class maybe he should be teaching instead. Kinger takes this as a personal challenge, walks up to the blackboard, picks up piece of chalk, glances back at classmates, writes "4:20" on blackboard before dropping chalk, striking a rockstar pose, shouting "GOOD NIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," and sauntering out the door. Schmo gives standing ovation. Rest of class is visibly annoyed.
11:32 - Class and teacher continue to sit in indifferent silence. From the hallway they can hear Kinger making "psshh" and "gaw" noises three or four times to nobody in particular, followed shortly by the rapid clip-clop of the counselor's high-heels as she tries to flag him down to let him know that his mom drove by the school and dropped off his Allegra. Kinger says he's "allergic to prison". Clip-clopping continues the opposite way and down the stairs. Kinger walks after her, says that "a prison is what this school is." Schmo looks up from desk. Clock reads 6:43 because Kinger got a chair and set the clock to 4:20 two hours and twenty-three minutes ago.
1:46 - After school, Kinger runs into his girlfriend Stacy by the faculty parking lot. He tells her what happened that day. Notes he "might be expelled, but whatever, because he's sick of being herded into this slaughterhouse with the rest of the sheeple anyway." No such threat had been made. In actuality, upon being called into the principal's office Kinger started openly sobbing into his flannel overshirt until out of pity, the vice-principal let him off with one day's detention. Kinger responded to this news by wiping the snot away from his nose with his bare forearm and sulking back to chemestry where he and Schmo tried getting high by huffing what they assumed to be amonia, but in reality was nothing more than ionized water.
2:23 - Kinger calls his manager, Mr. Johansen, at the Bag n' Buy, to let him know he won't be coming into work that afternoon due to severe pain. Mr. Johansen is more than understanding and after expressing hope for a swift recovery, hangs up the phone. After which, Kinger glances at Schmo prior to mumbling "a severe pain in my ass. Which is what you are," into the handset before slamming it down onto the receiver. Schmo offers "mad props, kid." Kinger accepts.
3:41 - After toking up in Schmo's parent's shed, Kinger decides that he's "had enough of [his] boss' bullshit" and announces he's quitting "effective immediately." He sheds his work uniform and throws it onto the ground. After an hour of effort, the two finally manage to set Kinger's work pants and shirt ablaze. The garments are burnt to a smoldering crisp before Kinger realizes he left his paycheck in said work pants.
3:55 - Kinger and Schmo enter Bag n' Buy. Schmo heads for the magazine section and rips out pages of Kathy Ireland from the newest Redbook while Kinger indignantly stomps toward the customer service desk. Donna, the middle-aged shift manager, greets him warmly and says she hopes he feels better. Kinger says "you can't tell me what to do anymore." After receiving the check, Kinger walks to the exit, puts his head down with his hair in his eyes, and flips the bird with both hands in the air. He trips over his JNCOs and falls flat on his stomach. Donna runs around the counter, bandage kit in hand, and asks if he is okay. Kinger replies, "nuh"
4:03 - Kinger arrives home. Kinger's parents greet him in kitchen with plate of marshmallow squares and Kool-Aid. They inquire as to how his day was to which he replies "wouldn't you like to know," before storming off toward his room to practice the chord structure for "Basket Case" on his guitar which is in desperate need of tuning. A few minutes later, Kinger emerges from bedroom, shuffles down hallway without lifting his socks from the carpet and silently procures a marshmallow square before flipping the hair out of his face and shuffling back to his bedroom.
4:11 - Kinger and Schmo begin "band practice," for their grunge-rock band ANARCHIRST. Band consists of Kinger on guitar and Schmo on keyboard, harmonica and "Fruity Loops" freeware program. Today is a big day as the band t-shirts printed by Schmo's uncle, who runs a local office store/screen printing business, have arrived. 50 t-shirts, silkscreened onto irregular Hanes grey XL overstock, are received featuring a peace symbol with a slash going through it and "ANARCHRIST" in Impact font. A total of seven have been pre-sold: one for each of themselves, one for each of their parents and one for Kinger's girlfriend. Kinger calls Schmo's uncle "numbnuts" for making the shirts too small despite being baggy enough to nearly overlap his cargo shorts. Schmo's coping mechanism of choice is to poke shoulder through shirt's neckhole.
4:38 - Kinger and Schmo begin recording their "demo tape" entitled "Land of the Fleeced and Home to the Slave," using sister's TalkGirl tape recorder. Track listing is as follows:
1. School is a Prison (a Prison is what School is) - 1:21
2. Work is a Prison (a Prison is what Work is) - 1:23
3. Church/Steeple/Pray/Sheeple - 1:17
4. Society is a Prison (a Prison is what Society is) - 23:48
5:45 - Kinger approaches parents about the possibility of attending a concert with Schmo at the local civic center. Anticipating a no, Kinger prepares to volley back with "once I'm 18, I'm out of this jail." Is surprised when parents support the idea, feeling he's old enough to attend a concert on his own; offer money with which to buy a t-shirt.
6:04 - Despite blessings from parents, Kinger insists upon sneaking out of the house through bedroom window. Instructs Schmo to park at the end of street and keep the headlights off so to not "wake the wardens."
7:12 - They arrive at the concert. Kinger and Schmo shove their way up to the front. Well-respected local band opens up. Kinger and Schmo's full-throated boos are inaudible. Boos grow louder when band leaves stage. Kinger and Schmo are asked to chill by attractive girl in crowd.. Schmo falls silent and shiftily eyes 6'2" boyfriend the entire concert while attempting to cop a feel on her shoulders.
7:51 - Main act takes the stage, Kinger and Schmo's 145-pound frames are jostled around in mosh pit. Schmo is pressed against rear of attractive female. Declares "check it out Kinger I'm dry-banging this chick" as music abruptly stops. Boyfriend turns around, Schmo darts for exit, sips on bottle of electric blue Powerade in driver's seat of van until Kinger comes out 90 minutes later. Kinger offers "diddly-daddly" handshake but is declined.
Though sickening, we find the circumstances surrounding this forgotten piece of television history fascinating. How the seemingly worthless existance of two suburban teenagers could drastically alter the lives of thousands is something we should all hold in regard, and though most information leading up to the event was lost in the fire, we feel it our responsibility to piece together the remains of this tragically hilarious puzzle.
Perhaps then, there's no better way to close this chapter of the mystery than with a stanza from ANARCHRIST's "Church/Steeple/Pray/Sheeple."
The liars in church
Deceive all the people
Surrender your conceince
And pray with the sheeple
And pray with the sheeple.