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| The Amazing Beer Pong MatchI've long since held the opinion that anything worth knowing can be learned from a movie prominently featuring the word 'bikini' somewhere in the title. Now I know you're probably thinking that I'm just some depraved pervert with no concept of what passes for legitimate cinema, and you're absolutely correct. Guilty as charged.. And I'm sure you'll argue that what I consider cultured entertainment is nothing more than disposable pap marketed toward the single, drunken unemployed losers who stay up watching cable television until four in the morning. Again, caught me red handed. I would like to point out however, that both The Bikini Carwash Company and its infinitely superior sequel have taught me more about running a successful enterprise than so-called legitimate mediums such as 'hard work,' 'business school,' or 'murdering a wealthy patriarch and living off the inheritance' put together. And believe me, I've tried all three.
Let's take a quick look at just a few invaluable morsels of information to be taken from these untapped sources of knowledge and wisdom:
I've actually applied the bikini business model to a daycare facility I'd tried getting off the ground. Interestingly enough, out of 43 clients, 43 of them were male, 43 were single and 43 didn't even have children! Of course just as I was starting to turn a profit, the state had to step in and shut me down for violation of cabaret laws. I told them that the drinks were complimentary and I'd make my staff keep their shirts on, but I guess there s just no reasoning with the government. The small businessman can't catch a break in this fast-paced, dog-eat-dog, take no prisoners, cutthroat, anything for a buck, he's a maverick renegade who plays by his own rules modern business climate.
Above all else though, I've learned that just about anything worth doing during the summer will invariably happen at the beach. Sorry, rural America, but agricultural reform is just so passe. No, the one true key to summer happiness comes from loading your writhing pile of screaming accidents into a stifling station wagon only to get caught in miles of traffic while your wife nags at you about how this wouldn t have happened if you d just left at five in the morning like she d suggested. She s willing to bet anything that the Richardsons are at the beach already and she'll be goddamned if Karen comes back with a better tan than her. Right about now is a good time to start wishing you'd done more drugs in the 60's, because an acid flashback would really hit the spot.
I'm sure some Doubting Thomases out there are just chomping at the bit to point out flaws in my logic. "There are plenty of ways to enjoy the summer without going to the beach," they might say. "A carnival for instance!" Yeah, have fun sweating on the blacktop of your high school's parking lot while you stand in line to ride any number of poorly-assembled lawsuits waiting to happen. The only reason anyone should ever go to a carnival is to show carnies up by winning at their crooked games. And even then, showing carnies up can be done by virtue of not being a carny. Think about this for a minute. Carnies make their living by insulting patrons into playing their crooked games. Even when you win, which you won't, the prizes suck anyway. Like, here's how every single meeting with a carny is invariably going to play out:
Carny: Hey you, why don'cha prove to yer girl there that ya ain't a total pussy?
You: Why sir, you've offended my good name and the only way for me to unsully my reputation is to pay you three dollars so that I may throw darts at balloons!
Carny: *spits chaw into a half-empty bucket of fried chicken*
And I can't stress how bad the prizes are. Take a look at some of the shit you're liable to (not) "win:"
Inflatable Crayons
What's more exciting than owning a novelty oversized replica of a Crayon brand crayon? Well, certainly not the cumbersome 40 seconds spent hauling it around before realizing how incredibly useless a gigantic inflatable crayon is prior to ditching it in some shrubbery because you feel like riding the Zipper instead.
Red Dog Plush Doll
What better way to say "I love you" to that special someone than with a red plush dog wearing a t-shirt advertising a beer made of ticks and crabgrass, which both feels and smells like diapers? Saving your wife the trouble by taking the kids and cutting an alamony check, for one.
10-Year Old Portraits of Your Favorite Athletes
That boy's got nothing but upside!
So I guess what I'm saying is that your real bread and butter lies with the beach. Not so fast though! You're not actually planning on going out into public looking like that, are you? Dude, people are going to see you! In a bathing suit! And sure, showing off so much unsightly flesh may no longer be a sin in the eyes of the Lord, but last I checked religion was out and Atkins was in. If you want to salvage any of your summer you're going to have to shape up, and fast!
Of course, the only major downside to being in shape is that it first requires you to get into shape. If you're anything like me, you're going to be looking for the quickest payoff achieved through the least amount of work possible. That's where crash dieting comes into play! Crash dieting is a marvel of modern ignorance. There aren't any complicated dietary plans to follow, points to keep track of or calories to count. All you've got to do is willingly abstain from intaking frivilous things like nutrients or vitamins untill you either reach your desired weight or end up in the hospital hooked up to a feeding tube.
Now, I'm sure some so-called 'dietician' is going to try and tell you that crash dieting is a terrible idea and that aside of the irreversible damage you ll be inflicting upon your body, you're just going to put the weight right back on within a few months anyway. I'd just like to point out that the medical field isn't one steeped in consistency. For instance, one century it was considered common practice to have leeches suck the demons directly out of an infected wound and by the very next century, doctors decided to start using antibodies instead. Which is it, medical science?
Fortunately for you all, I've absolutely no formal training in any recognized medical field, so you can count on my advice to not be tarnished by needless jibbery-joo like college degrees or even proper definitions to most of the words I'll be using. Look at me though, running from the mouth again. I'll let my new 24-hour diet plan speak for itself.
9:35 AM: You're awake, showered and ready to face the day! You've helped yourself to a carefully measured 8 ounces of dry Total cereal, sliver of honeydew and cup of unsweetened herbal tea. Sure, it may not be the viscus orgy of syrups, jams and jellies you re used to, but as the old saying goes "no pain, no gain!"
10:15 AM: The pangs of hunger are unbearable. Its been 40 minutes since you ve crammed any savory calories into your gaping maw and you'te ready to maul the next human pinata who looks at you the wrong way for the delicious meat and gristle contained beneath its succulent, fleshy exterior. Bemoan the fact that you're literally starving and can now relate to those poor kids in Somalia to the nearest co-worker until they literally stop giving a shit.
12:05 PM: Fat-free non-dairy yogurt with unflavored granola clusters? For lunch? What the fuck were you thinking? Look around you, man! People are eating entire wedding cakes. Literal wedding cakes! And the one guy, Perkins from accounting, is he roasting a pig on a spit?
3:28 PM: Dude, the guy who restocks the vending machines just went crazy and threw himself out the window! What? Oh, I don t know. Something to do with his girlfriend, I think. She'd been pressuring him to get married but he wasn t quite ready for that level of commitment. I guess he caught her in bed with his brother-in-law. They'd been going to relationship counseling, but it didn't seem to be working. I heard someone mention something about him acting distant these past few weeks and I guess today it finally came to a head. Like I said though, I'm not too sure of the details. All I know is that he left the vending machines unlocked and you'd better get down to the breakroom before all the Funyuns and Munchos are gone! Wait, what? You're on a diet? Oh... how's that working out? Really? That sounds awesome. Listen, I've got to get going... but hey, good luck with your diet! I'm super proud of you!
5:53 PM: Forego your usual bout of joyless masturbation and indulge by ordering the Domino s 5-5-5 deal instead. Go ahead and eat all three pizzas yourself. Who are you trying to kid anyway? You would ve caved the second you found a discarded, half-eaten carton of McDonald s fries on the sidewalk. At least this way the levels of depravity to which you sink won't be subject to a public audience. And the pizza will last longer than the masturbation would have. So won't the overwhelming feelings of remorse and self-pity, but that's where the bourbon comes in!
11:42 PM: As you sob yourself to sleep, resign yourself to spending another summer telling people that the dark purple stretch marks running along the length of your stomach are actually scars from where your dad used to beat you with his belt. Yeah, he'd lay it on pretty heavy. Nobody is going to believe you, but at least they're polite about it.
You know what, forget it. This all seems like far too much work for what won't end up amounting to any sort of long-term success. Chances are if you're even reading this to begin with you're already far too entrenched in your seditary lifestyle to function on even the most basic of socially acceptable levels, let alone work toward any form of self-improvement. Besides, there's nothing any of the sheeple are going to be doing at the beach that you can't replicate in the basement with a copy of Dead or Alive: Extreme Masturbatory Aid and an animu body pillow ^_^
OH GOD JEFF I TOLD YOU TO KNOCK BEFORE COMING DOWNSTAIRS! NO DON T TELL MOM! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO DR. PERRY AGAIN!
FUCK THIS! I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD AND CATHY!