The 2008 presidential election is heating up, and with the national tide turning away from conservatism after one botched war and one botched environment, it’s anybody’s game. If we here at Progressive Boink have one mission, it’s to write a bunch of gay shit about our grandfather’s cancer or something, but if we have another mission, it’s to educate the public. Here, America, are your nominees for president.
Democrats
Joe Biden
Joe Biden, portrayed above, as in life, by Mike Farrell, is a senator from Delaware, which is somewhere between crash test dummy and truck stop prostitute on the professional achievement scale. Seriously, I hear Delaware Senators don’t even have health insurance. They get paid in Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Biden is best known for calling Barack Obama “articulate and bright and clean,” a statement that was arguably blown entirely out of proportion in light of the fact that Biden himself suffers from mental retardation and he breath so wild he need a tic-tac wit a battery. It’s not racist, it’s relative.Hillary Clinton
On the strength of her campaign song, Celine Dion’s “You and I,” the New York senator and former First Lady has shot ahead in the polls, promising a presidency as awkward and stilted as her Sopranos parody campaign video. What the lie-beral media doesn’t want you to know, however, is that Hillary Clinton is a transgendered lesbian who personally murdered Vince Foster with a gun made of men’s penises (emasculating male slaves is how she gets her powers, from her lair inside the earth’s core). She is also a lizard-man.Christopher Dodd
Christopher Dodd is unique among the field of candidates in that he looks like he was born to be a presenter on the Turner Classic Movie channel. Or like Peter Gallagher’s dad. I have nothing of consequence to say about Christopher Dodd. He’s Ren Steven’s godfather.John Edwards
In 1953, Jan from "The Office" and Tony Blair had a moppety child and named him John Edwards. He grew up to be strapping hillbilly goof and ran for vice president in 2004. Edwards, however, was paired with presidential candidate John Kerry, whose gradual transmogrification into a leather horse guaranteed a loss in that year’s election. But Edwards, a formerly senator from North Carolina, has re-entered the presidential ring and his floppy hair seeks the Democratic nomination in 2008. He also has a cancerous wife. Gross.Mike Gravel
What is this, irony? Is this irony? Hey! Hey, is this irony?
Dennis Kucinich
A Kucinich presidency would mean a boon for political cartoonists, as he already looks like a caricature, what with his three-inch-tall body and ever-expanding head. If elected, Kucinich would be the first Polish leprechaun to occupy the White House, but also if elected, Dennis Kucinich will never be elected.
Imagine how abjectly terrifying it would be to wake up in the middle of the night and have Dennis Kucinich standing next to your bed. Kucinich might as well be Chucky from Child’s Play running for president. He is pictured above with his comically mismatched wife, who evidently has a thing for elfin guys who look like cartoon bats.
Dennis Kucinich was formerly the mayor of Cleveland. Dennis Kucinich shrank while I was writing this article.Barack Obama
Barack Obama’s ascension to candidacy is, historically, the most hilarious, kismet-touched political career ever. Obama was an obscure state senator from Illinois when he decided to run against Republican Jack Ryan for a big-boy Senate seat in 2003. Ryan, who is not Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, or even Ben Affleck, was a favorite to win that U.S. Senate race until allegations from his divorce from 7 of 9 came out, revealing him to be a creep. So Illinois Republicans did the logical thing and snatched up the nearest black dude they could find, Maryland’s Alan Keyes, who is actually a puppet operated and voiced by Frank Oz, crafted by shady interests looking to discredit black people and Republicans simultaneously. Obama beat Keyes soundly and impressed white Democrats with his inoffensiveness, eventually entering the 2008 race. He go play hoop.Bill Richardson
Bill Richardson is notable for being the only man ever named Bill Richardson to be a mooshy-faced Mexican with a giant head. He is Mario Lopez’ dad and will never be elected president.Independents
Michael Bloomberg
Dude keeps denying he’s running for president, I just wanted to post this picture.Republicans
Sam Brownback
Sam Brownback is a Kansas senator most famous for wanting creationism to be taught in schools. He is depicted above with his grandmother, who is clearly not a monkey, thus disproving Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection. Just kidding, he has actually taken this old woman hostage and will murder her if you don’t vote for him. But here’s what Sam Brownback doesn’t want you to know: that old lady is a total cunt.John Cox
Behind the generic name and generic visage lies a heart of generic rehashed Reaganisms. John Cox has poked his waxen head into the race and nobody gives two quarters of a shit.Jim Gilmore
Homeland Security advisor Jim Gilmore is best known for royally fucking up Virginia’s state budget by repealing the car tax when he was governor. This was the entire basis of his gubernatorial bid, and the boneheads of my home state bit. Jim Gilmore looks like a tenth-generation clone of George W. Bush.Rudy Giuliani
Rudolph Giuliani was born on September 11, 2001, to Osama Bin Laden and a bald eagle. As mayor, he slashed New York City police salaries to the degree that no one with half a brain or any right to call him or herself an officer of the law wants to become an NYPD officer anymore, made New York City virtually unlivable for the homeless and working poor, attempted to completely dismantle the New York-New Jersey Port Authority, and constantly appeared on Saturday Night Live dressed as a woman. But when he helped Bush hoist that bullhorn after 9/11, oochie-wally!
Giuliani’s first wife was his second cousin. His second wife was his first cousin. His third wife is himself. The first statement of those three is actually true.Mike Huckabee
Fuckabee. In lieu of any jokes, here’s another funny picture of the former Arkansas governor:
Duncan Hunter
I had never heard the name Duncan Hunter before sitting down to write this article. His name sounds like he belongs in the Burger King Kid’s Club. He is shown here about to karate chop someone for making fun of his upside-down watch.John McCain
Former POW John McCain has been a mega-lame hypocrite since about 2003, around which time he began toeing the Republican party line and supporting Bush and Jerry Falwell despite his previous reputation as a free-thinking lunatic. This is a quote from John McCain, from a 1998 Republican fundraiser: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno," which isn’t even a joke per se, as much as a statement that borders on rabies-driven nonsense. I want the crazy John McCain back.Ron Paul
Ron Paul stepz into da race wid ‘is Island riddims ‘EAR ME NOW
Ron Paul is most famous for maintaining the delusion that a libertarian could ever get elected to a national office, but he’s second-most famous for saying something completely rational and intelligent about September 11th in a Republican debate, only to have all his hopes and dreams squashed by the last embers of Giuliani’s 9/11 afterglow. Check it:
Mitt Romney
Haha, you looked, butthole, now His Royal Mittness gets one free punch, redeemable whenever the f*ck he feels like it.Tom Tancredo
eyyy ohhh hows about the buncha youse elect me fuckin president, ehhh. oh what, youse nevah hoid uh me? eyyy great, now i seem like a real fuckin joker dressed up in this fuckin suit and tie, huh? you fuckin pricks, you. yeah, i’m the fuckin asshole here. fuck the lot uh youseFred Thompson
If Fred Thompson is elected, he will become only the second president to have appeared on “Law and Order,” after Gerald Ford, who portrayed a rapist who caused a massive hurricane in New Orleans. RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! Fred Thompson’s wife would also hold a unique distinction, as the only First Lady to have been MILF hunted:
Tommy Thompson
His presidential bid isn’t even for real, it’s just an ego thing to make up for his being so insecure about looking like Mr. Bean as portrayed by Robin Leach. Also, the notion of “President Tommy Thompson” is completely hilarious and absurd.And those are your candidates. Choose wisely. No, fuck it, just vote for Obama. There, I said it.
