American children are like small, stupid poorly built robots. They can't read, aren't capable of working an 18-hour shift without the need for both constant and tiresome negative reinforcement and will always react predictably under any given set of circumstances. The only difference being that when a robot under performs you can scrap it and use the metal for something beneficial for society like Crossfire pellets or Segway Scooters. When children fail they end up working at the traveling carnival where they'll meet other failures and breed entire broods of writhing failure to ensure the survival of the species.
Above all else, there are two constants by which a child will always abide. Kids will always want whatever poses the most danger to their physical well-being and they'll always pine away for the things they're told they can't have. And at no point during the year is this made more apparent than the holiday shopping season. If you don't believe me, just take a look at my Christmas list spanning the years 1988 through 1993:
- A tipped over refridgerator
- An abandoned well
- The back of a stranger's van
- Vacation to Cambodia's famous Khmer Rouge mass graves
- A dad
Disappointingly enough, I never DID receive everything I'd wanted. I came close one year, but when the cable guy eventually found me he just brought me back home as opposed to the two of us entering ourselves into a sack race as I'd suggested. My mother ended up sleeping with him anyway, and as a result I now have a little brother. She calls him her "Christmas Miracle," and he still gets to see Steve on the weekends. Mom always did like to spoil him.
With all this mind, I'd like to talk about the annual list of the season's ten most dangerous toys as released by the fundamentalist watchdog group, W.A.T.C.H. It seems to me like releasing a list of toys kids shouldn't have serves as nothing more than a list of toys kids are going to want. I mean, If I'm six and someone shows me a toy while telling me,"Hey kid this is going to fuck you up. Don't play with it," I'm either holding my breath until either my parents buy it for me or they're forced to live with a lifetime of regret. Maybe when you hit a certain age you just forget how kids think. And although I don't know any of them personally, I feel overwhelmingly confident in saying it doesn't help that the people behind these lists are the most boring, joyless creatures on the planet. Like, more boring than Wikipedia editors, actuaries and church put together.
Sure, these watchdogs may try to impress you with their research. They'll tell you that they're just looking out for your child's best interest. Maybe they'll even try and blind you with their "irrefutable facts." They might try telling you that each year over 200,000 children are either injured or killed from not knowing how to play correctly. While on the surface they may be "correct," both "technically" and "morally," they're not looking at the bigger picture. Now, I'm not a statistician, but I'd wager that at the very least, 200,001 toys are sold annually in America. And in my opinion, if 200,000 kids have to get hurt in order for that one kid to have fun, well, my taxes don't fund children's hospitals for nothing. If anything, more kids should get hurt playing with toys. It helps build character. The kind of kids who get coddled with safe toys growing up are the ones who turn into vindictive douchebags as adults and try to ruin it for the rest of us whose parents allowed us to have fun.
And it isn't as if we're living amidst a horrifying age where toys have run amok, technology has betrayed its creators and man is the true monster. If anything, toys are much more safe now then they were when I was a kid and our parents would worry themselves into committing acts of infidelity over whether we were going to shove Fisher Price Little People up our noses. Hell, when they were kids they'd play with lawn darts. And when our grandparents were growing up they'd just hurl clumps of asbestos and glass shards at one another until it was time to fight another war.
Let's take a look at this year's big winners!
10. RUBBER BAND SHOOTER
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! This "Shooter", which fires colorful rubber bands, is a "new" toy which the manufacturer promotes as "Old Fashioned Fun". Incredibly, at the same time the packaging promotes "Family Fun", there is cautionary language stating: "FOR TARGET PRACTICE ONLY! DO NOT AIM AT PEOPLE...." Rubber bands should never be sold as toys, and have the potential to cause serious eye injuries.
Rubber bands should never be sold as toys? Pfft. Sounds like more liberal propaganda from those paperclip lobbyists on Capital Hill. They've had it in for the rubber band industry ever since they failed to gain a foothold in the competitive paddle ball market. As it turns out, the product just isn't as riveting when the ball stands motionless at the end of a thin metal wire.
What happens when kids figure out that rubber bands can be fired at nerds from across the library without the need for an expensive piece of plastic? Are fingers next on the W.A.T.C.H. chopping block? Good riddance, I say! Good fer nothin' but mussin' up photographs and pokin' holes into mince pies, I always say!
9. MY LITTLE BABY BORN
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! Toddlers are encouraged to "pamper" this "soft & cuddly" doll “"ust like a real Baby!" The small pink pacifier is attached to the baby’s pajamas with only a ribbon. Once detached, the plastic pacifier fails even the toy industry’s inadequate small parts "choke tube" standard.
W.A.T.C.H. lucked out here. In another few years baby dolls are going to be things of the past. Children are becoming sexually active at a rapidly decreasing age to the point where pretty soon they're going to exit the birth canal all ready to deliver babies of their own. There won't be any time to play with dolls between changing diapers, prepping bottles and developing a set of fully functioning motor skills. And don't even think about attending pre-school, because that's out of the question. Why isn't the father in the picture anymore? He met a hot little number wearing a onesie in the maternity ward and they ran off to Sesame Place together.
8. B’LOONIES PARTY PACK
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! Young children are encouraged to "CREATE FUN B’LOONIE SHAPES!" by squeezing out a ball of plastic from one of the enclosed squeeze-tubes, and to "stick [it] on the end of the blowpipe." The gooey concoction contains chemicals such as "poly vinyl acetate", ethyl acetate", and "plastic fortifiers". Flammable chemicals and related chemical fumes should not be part of a child’s toy, much less one intended to be used in or near a child’s mouth and eyes.
I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one, W.A.T.C.H., because to me nothing could constitute being called a party pack any more than baloon animals and inhalants. Throwing open fire into the mix is just the icing on the cake. Maybe I'm just bitter because the closest I ever came to having a party as a kid was when my mom would invite my classmates over on my birthday as part of her ruse to sell Amway to their parents in accordance with her court-appointed work release guidelines.
7. HIP HOPPA
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! "Hip Hoppa 'Til You Droppa!" is the catch phrase for a toy consisting of a foot board atop an inflatable "high energy" ball. A hand grip with an adjustable strap attaches to the bouncy ball. Children are encouraged to stand on the base and, while holding the handle tight and keeping the strap taut, "immediately start hopping". The instructions also caution that improper dismount will result in "loss of balance and possible injury." The children depicted on the packaging are not wearing any safety equipment despite the manufacturer’s advisory: "For added safety protective equipment is recommended." Only the package insert specifically recommends the use of helmet, knee and elbow pads. The toy itself has no such warnings, cautions or advisories.
Take that, urban pogo stick! This is just the first in a series of moves intended to defame a new line of classic products gussied up with hip, urban themes. Your days are numbered, Ballin' Cup!
6. SPIDER MAN 3 NEW GOBLIN SWORD
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! This toy is marketed to children as "one of the most awesome weapons ever wielded by human hands!" The manufacturer claims the rigid, plastic spring-action blade swiftly extends at the push of a button to a length of "over 3 feet long!" This sword has the potential to cause serious facial and other impact injuries.
Thanks for reminding me about how swords work, guys. I can't wait until 2015 when those bastards at Big Trebuchet Inc. finally get taken to task.
5. LIL "GIDDY UP" HORSE - SASSY PET SAKS
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! These soft, plush horses are sold with their own "Pet Saks" that are intended to be used as carriers. Remarkably, a tag on the horse states that it is sold for newborn babies, whereas the carrier to which the horse is attached advises the toy is not intended for children younger than 18 months old. The toy presents a serious choking hazard in the form of a small, wooden bead as well as long, fiber-like hair that is not adequately rooted and is easily removable.
More alarming than the grim possibility of asphyxiation is the frightening possibility that after playing with this toy, children will start flippantly mouthing off to their elders before running off to star in a Nickeloden series about about two comically mismatched brothers who do nothing but act like indignant pricks to their parents and dump buckets full of various liquids onto the codgery old school principal.
4. DORA THE EXPLORER LAMP
Pfft, whatever man! I don't give a flip about you or your manufacturer's proclamation! I'm three! I'm gonna keep on rockin' forever! If the lamp is too hot maybe you're just too old, pops!
#4 on the 10 Worst Toys list is clearly defined within the W.A.T.C.H. description as not being a toy at all! I don't know. Maybe there were only nine toys released this season and they needed a 10th to pad the list, or maybe the line of Dora the Explorer-themed Clorox bottles didn't make store shelves by deadline. Either way, this is another example of the word "hazard" being misinterpreted to mean "hilariously inept parental decision."
3. JACK SPARROW’S SPINNING DAGGER
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! This rigid plastic dagger, which is intended to strap to a child’s wrist, is associated with a character from Disney’s popular Pirates of the Caribbean series. The weapon spins at the push of a button with accompanying "electronic battle sounds". The manufacturer fails to provide any warnings regarding the potential for serious eye and other impact injuries.
I kind of agree with this choice. Not because of the possibility for injury or anything, but if your kid watches a movie starring both Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp and then decides to start emulating the GAY one, that's cause for alarm.
2. STICKY STONES
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! This "powerful magnetized iron ore", marketed and sold as a toy for children, has the potential to cause severe internal injuries. If more than one magnet is swallowed, they can attach inside the body, potentially causing intestinal perforation, infection or blockage which can be fatal. There have been recalls of toys that incorporate such magnets, due to the significant risk of injury. Incredibly, these magnetic stones are also displayed for sale by retail stores in bulk display boxes, which warn in-store consumers: "Swallowed magnets can stick together across intestines causing serious infections and death...." The pre-packaged stones available to internet shoppers provide no such warning.
Rocks. Not only is this not a toy, it isn't even a product. It is just rocks. A pile of rocks. If you buy this as a Christmas gift you're basiscally telling your child that while you cared enough to not just scoop a handful of driveway gravel into a Ziploc bag and call it an evening, you clearly put no thought into picking a gift they'd actually enjoy. You may as well go the whole nine, get them a handful of magic beans and a satchel of enchanted sand to try and use as a blinding agent when the guaranteed schoolyard beatings commence.
1. GO DIEGO GO ANIMAL RESCUE BOAT
W.A.T.C.H. OUT! ! These brightly-colored orange and yellow boats were sold at retail stores nationwide from June 2007 through October 2007. Tens of thousands of these toys, identical in appearance to the one pictured, were recalled on October 25, 2007. According to the recall notice, it was discovered that the "[s]urface paints on the toys contain excessive levels of lead, which violates the federal standard prohibiting lead paint on children’s toys." Millions of recalled toys still may be in homes and schools across the country. There is simply no excuse for the sale of toys containing known poisons such as lead. Research has shown that exposure to this neuro-toxin can have serious long-term effects, particularly for children.
See, this is just ridiculous. I don't know how familiar you guys are with history, but American children aren't the first to ingest massive quantities of lead over extended periods of time. The Romans used to channel water through lead pipes and drink from lead goblets and they weren't any worse for wear on account of it. I mean, you'd have to be completely ignorant to believe that an empire as mighty as Rome could crumble due to heavy metal intake. That's just stupid. Everybody knows the real reason the Roman Empire collapsed was because homosexuality.
Have a merry Christmas shopping season, everyone!
