In professional sports, there are two mascots who rise undeniably
higher than their peers in the art of mascottery, and I have met them.
The first was at a minor league game between the Prince William Cannons (a Yankees farm
team boasting stars like Kevin Jordan) and the Salem Buccaneers ("sell that corn for
one dollar each"). Salem was about an hour from Lynchburg, where we currently lived
and enjoyed our own minor league franchise, the Lynchburg Red Sox, who served as a place
for Trot Nixon and Aaron Sele to pause, go "holy shit look at this town," and
then drive to Boston. If we wanted to watch minor leaguers act like Deion Sanders we
could've done so at home. We drove that hour for a very special reason: The San Diego
Chicken.
Seeing The Chicken (now called "The Famous Chicken" because he's
moved out of San Diego and may or may not have parts of his ass seasoned with Lee's
Recipe) for me is a hard joy to explain to younger people. A lot of people I know hate
mascots. I can't even imagine it. I down care how "lame" or "gay" they
are. It's a guy dressed like a big chicken using a towel to shine a bald man's head. It's
a guy dressed like a big chicken pretending to eat a baby's head. The love of mascots
offers me the kind of innocent fun and empty laughter needed to fill holes in my life in
the way the other things I love, things not involving an infant being repeatedly smacked
in the face by a wedge of foam, could never do.
I watched him dance on the tops of the dugouts and pantomime humping a poster of a fat
woman in a bikini, and it was excellent. After the game, the Chicken set up a gimmick
table near the entrance and sold glossy 8 x 10s (to be autographed) of him diving into
third base, a situation that I cannot remember ever actually happening in a baseball game.
I said hello to him and shook his hand, noticing for the first time that the Chicken has a
thumb and in fact complete man hands, and got an autograph. I felt like Big Pete wanting
to really BE Mr. Tasty's friend. I wanted to learn about him, ask him if he had any
friends. Now I mostly look back fondly and wonder if he was really just Pete Rose in
disguise.
The second mascot experience happened in Lynchburg, when the Red Sox left town and the
team became the "Hillcats." A minor league franchise for cool people from the
fifties. We had a vote on the team name. I wanted to call them the "Lynchburg
Mob." Or at the very least the Lynchburg HANGED BLACK PERSONS. Festivities included
fireworks, lots of "HAVE A FREE THIS THING" nights, and a visit from the Phillie
Phanatic.
The Phillie BY GOD Phanatic.
When you have a team called the "Philadelphia Phillies" you don't have a lot of
mascots. You either end up with a play on Phillies (like a guy named Phil, I guess? HEY
EVERYBODY GET ON YOUR FEET FOR PHIL THE GUY WHO ALSO LIKES THIS TEAM) or Philadelphia
iconography, which if I'm not mistaken is limited to Ben Franklin, brothers, and The Fresh
Prince. So they decided in 1978 on a flightless, green, pantsless ATV-riding bird/anteater
thing with a blow out for a tongue. He may or may not be Jim Thome's mother. And oddly? I
think I'd take a bullet for him.
OH MY GOD MOM WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
The Phanatic does what the chicken does (baby harassing, old man polish)
with this weird underlying sense that he might actually start hurting people. Is it just
me? The Phanatic always seemed way more sarcastic about what he's doing than the Chicken,
complete with reckless driving of an ATV in a public place where somebody like Nomar
Garciaparra can just be standing there and suddenly become incredibly injured. If Nomar
can be out for a year by taking a step, what luck does a ball boy or overzealous fan have
facing off with the Galapagos Islands mutant equivalent of Jackée Harry on a
four-wheeler?
You put your life
into your own hands when you stand beside the Phillie Phanatic. I think if I were in a
Dr. Strangelove situation where I had to select a handful of Americans to take down into a
bunker in an effort to preserve our species, I would leave a spot open for him. Although
honestly that isn't much a compliment coming from me, because it would just be me, Zooey
Deschanel, American Dragon Bryan Danielson, and the Phillie Phanatic chilling out in a
cave for 40 years.
Ha, somebody hurry up and bomb us.
I wanted to share those thoughts with you before proceeding with this article, because I
wanted to stress how much I deeply love mascots and that I am the last person you will
read who is gonna do that "that's for babies god grow up" bullshit to erect my
e-penis. I do not notice that Michael Jackson used to be a black man and is now a white
woman, nor do I get joy from watching one action figure kick another action figure in the
balls. When I decide to like or dislike something I base my decision on reason and
emotion, whether it means falling in love with a beautiful woman or forming an opinion on
shrinky-dinks (I like them). No moment goes by casually. No moment.
Especially the moments when you are being entertained by THE
ZOOPERSTARS WILD-N-CRAZY VAGUE ENTERTAINMENT SHOWS.
"The ZOOperstars! Lovable. Outrageous. Zany. Unpredictable. Hysterical.
Incredible. Unbelievable. All of which describe this crazy combination of animalistic
superstars."
The ZOOperstars! Funny. Humorous. Laughable. You laugh at them. Synonyms. All things which
do not even begin to describe why Bobby Orr looks like Bogey from the Shirt Tales and HOW
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME EXCITED FOR THE SPORTING EVENT. If I'm sitting at a game and
Bobby Orr is down the row from me, I'm going to be very excited. I may even attempt to
shake his hand, get a picture, or an autograph. What am I supposed to do when a BALLOON
MAN who is a MONKEY in HOCKEY gear who is simultaneously a pun homage to said Orr wants to
give me a hug for supporting my local handicapped basketball league for seniors team and
oh crap my spine just fell out of my ear
"The ZOOperstars! are receiving rave reviews! Responses to a recent
questionnaire showed that 100% of those who hired the ZOOperstars! had positive responses,
either "very satisfied" or "satisfied"! In regards to the
"overall operations and the performance of the ZOOperstars!", 92% of respondents
indicated they were "VERY SATISFIED"! You go ZOO crew!"
And they get paid! with exclamation points!
My goal in life is to leave each person I meet "SATISFIED!" How are the
ZOOperstars going to leave someone who lines them up for a gig "unsatisfied?"
Hi, my name is DETACHED OLDER MAN and I need someone to keep the crowd excited during the
parts when Shaq leaves and then comes back onto the court. Cheerleaders, our own mascot,
and both of my Jock Jams CDs aren't going to be enough. Why not hire a large group of
people in inflatable anthropomorphic monster suits to stand around looking like things?
ZOO crew you so crazy!
What do they even do? Let's! Find out!
"A lot of this success can be attributed to the
uniqueness of the costumes and character names which make it easy to market the
ZOOperstars! concept to fans and potential sponsors. Most importantly, the ZOOperstars!
show will make all audiences crack up with laughter. They flip, they bounce, they shake,
they dance and they just flat out JAM!"
RICK D. So what are we sponsoring?
RICK B. Uh, let's see. "The ZOOperstars!"
RICK D. Jesus Christ. ZOOperstars? Do you think they're what they say
they are?
RICK B. I only want to say, if there is a way, we should hire them.
RICK D. What do they even do?
RICK B. Do you recognize the name "Shaquille O'Neal?"
RICK D. Of course! That is an easily recognizable name! I especially
enjoy the times when he is on the court. When he's off the court, not so much.
RICK B. Well, now you've got "Shaquille O'SEAL." He's like the
REAL Shaq, only he's the SEAL Shaq!
RICK D. I can think of nothing more deserving for my money. Does he flip,
bounce, shake, and dance?
RICK B. Yes he does all of those things. CONSTANT BOUNCING FLIPPING SHAQ.
RICK D. Line them up under one condition: They must flat out jam.
"The ZOOperstars! will rock the house with routines that fans of all ages
will love. Whether they are wildly dancing on a court, creating havoc on top of a dugout,
sliding silly around on the ice or mingling with the audience, the ZOOperstars! will
command any crowd's undivided attention. The ZOOperstars! are a truly unique act offering
recognizable names that create interest on many levels."
Levels of interest created:
1 - What the shit is a "zooperstar"
2 - Dennis FROGman? I recognize parts of that name
3 - mild amusement @ association
4 - existential level reminding viewer that everything he/she has ever done has lead
him/her to this specific moment in time
5 - beer/food/urine
I like the assurance that the ZOOperstars are going to command any crowd's undivided
attention. Sure could've used you guys during the Civil Rights Movement. I also like that
you apparently want a group of 30-40 mascots "mingling" and forcefully taking
the attention of the audience away from whatever sport you're trying to play. They're like
a team of Poochies. When the ZOOperstars are not on the field, fans should ask,
"where's ZOOperstars?" It's pretty funny to imagine some minor leaguer hitting a
homerun and making it all the way to second before he realizes all the people in the
stands are staring silently at the dark part of the dugout where into Jason GiamBee
disappeared.
New levels of interest
6 - the struggle of blacks in American history
7 - brainwashing
8 - plastic bumblee = Hitler??
Now that you've "flat out" met the serious business of ZOOperstars, let me
introduce you to some of the "zany characters." Remember that the comments
herein are for entertainment purposes only, and that inside that innertube that sorta
looks like Kent Hrbek there is a real live man or woman who is a complete son of a bitch.
Cow Ripken Jr.
This is my strongest
memory of the love of baseball; standing in the backyard about twenty feet from
whoever would hit for me, popping a crouch, and then yelling "OOOH COW
RIPKENNNN" as I dove, body outstretched, missing the ball by a yard and jackknifing
face first into the dirt. This was before I had a lot of velocity. I mean, look at
me.
I don't know if I should be offended here or get to writing those
"2,131 consecutive days milked" jokes. Cow entertains the fans by being eight
feet tall and leaning into players as to "attack" them, causing them much grief
and strife because their skin is touching a cow-print beach ball. At least now we have the
technological know-how to make the mascots inflatable and soft. Back in Lou Gehrig's day
they built them out of metal, and ZOOperstars made him into an iron horse.
Not pictured here is Cow's brother Bull Ripken, removed from the squad after his
controversial "ring face" card. I swear to God it said "Rick Face."
Clammy Sosa
This one makes me snort more than any of them. Clammy Sosa. They even made
him black. The likeness is uncanny, making Sammy's head about 30 times bigger than the
rest of his body. The likeness EES SO REAL. But what the hell kind of zoo has clams? Or
cows, for that matter. Kids, come marvel at the amazing cow!
"Open wide for this muscle-bound mussel with the hustle -
it's Clammy Sosa! This super shell-headed mollusk comes from the depths of Lake
Michigan near Chicago. Clammy's a seafood slugger that steals the show. Watch out or
he'll swallow you whole!"
BEEP BOOP BEEP MINOR LEAGUER HAVE SIGN OFF CHATROOM
and then decide whether or not you taste better than pepsi
Is the Dominican Republic in the middle of Lake Michigan? Geography have been berry berry
good to me. I'm still shocked they still let Clammy into the ZOOperstars after that
scandal a few years ago when his broke his bat and they found a pearl inside.
Centipete Rose
Instead of going for something uniform like PETE CROWS, the ZOOperstars
creators chose to make a lasting political and moral statement by giving Pete dollar signs
for pupils, blood
on his socks (BLOOD, on a MASCOT'S SOCKS), and a rotating series of "lol gambling
it's a joke" antics. For example, Centipete loses his butt in a bet! His
actual butt. His ass. Pete Rose bets his physical ass.
In context with the storied history of baseball it is undeniably
unnecessary to vilify Pete Rose and his variety of game-staining acts to the point of
condescending mascot half-time shows without taking the time to target those more
deserving of inflatable haberdashery. I do not see Jose Can-snake-o flat out jamming
with needles jabbed into his rear. I don't see Ty Cobb the Racist Malamute or Some Shit
digging his cleats into the colored mascots.
Ken Giraffey, Jr.
Ken Giraffey, Jr. was probably the most naturally gifted and talented
ZOOperstar to ever walk onto the field. Then one day he slid into home plate and a lion
pounced him. Now he's going to be out for the rest of the season with a torn entire inside
of body.
The weirdest thing about these terrible, terrible rat creatures is how freaking GINORMOUS
they are. They're each like eight feet tall. Here's a picture of them dancing with the
Phillie Phanatic:
Can you even begin to fathom why it was necessary to make Shark McGwire
three times the size of a normal human being. Any kind of realistic scale they were going
for in the giraffe and sharks is negated by the bloody death centipede placing bets on who
will show up two inches from my face when I wake up in the middle of the night. I can deal
with a man-sized chicken with human hands. If forced to deal with a human-handed chicken
of extraordinary size I end up feeling like some Otherkin Low-G-Man, and I don't think
anybody wants to have to feel like that.
Nomar Garciaparrot and Mia Hammster
 
McCAW all of your friends over to see the newest ZOOperstars, Nomar
Garciaparrot and his wife Mia Hammster. Mia delights the children in the audience with her
signature backflipping bicycle kicks, while Nomar stands motionless for fear that even the
slightest movement will rip him open from withers to brisket. Witness Hammster as she runs
circles around her opponents, none of which are also people from soccer! Watch with wonder
as Garciaparrot makes a mistake and then feels bad about it for the rest of his life!
Nomar Garciaparrot (who is really into Jimmy Buffett and the Dead) and Mia Hammster are
actually advertised as being "married" inter-species, which not only provides a
harrowing visual but a pretty hilarious explanation of how Mia's penchant for eating their
Godless, deformed young forced them into a life of traveling shows.
Ichiroach Suzuki
Ichiro Suzuki is a young baseball player who lives with and financially
supports his parents and younger sister. One morning he wakes up to discover that during
the night he has been transformed into a cockroach with slanty eyes. This and more in
"The Metamorphosis" by Flanz Kafka.
"This speedy little roach can be found scurrying away from his American
League opponents…it’s Ichiroach Suzuki! After years of dining on left over sushi
on the streets of Japan, he hitched a ride to the U.S. in a passenger’s salad
bowl!"
It's like they aren't even really people!!
A cockroach. Seriously. They made the Asian guy a cockroach. It makes sense, they made
David Ortiz a giant pair of lips with a spear between them. I would've gone for something
more subtle and indicative of the culture, like making him a fish and calling him
"Ichi-Roe Suzuki." That was supposed to be his original name, too, but the idea
was aborted.
Pee Wee Geese
Haha, wait, they actually made Pee Wee Geese? What's next, Gills
Hodges? Tickey Mantle? Alpaca Kaline?
Oh who am I kidding, I'm a nerd for baseball history jokes and this is the first time
they've shown a knowledge of baseball outside of asking your 11-year old cousin who his
favorite ball player is and then making that guy into a donkey. I appreciate jokes about
any sports history, and as a huge wrestling fan I know how important it is for future
generations to look back to the past and learn from it, and grow. Even today's brightest
WWE superstars owe a debt of gratitude to legends like ZOOperstar Billy Graham.
Derek Cheetah
And here I thought Alex Rodriguez was the cheetah.
"Meet the New York wonderboy…it’s Derek
Cheetah. Known for dating celebs like Mariah Canary and Anna Kournicobra, this guy has
luck on and off the field."
Look, they're giving ancillary female celebrities pun names to create a widespread
multiverse for ZOOperstars. They're messing with kayfabe here. If I'm to accept that there
are animal versions of female celebrities they better be in the ZOOperstars show, because
just mentioning them like they're real people isn't going to fly. I'm not five years old.
I demand a more tightened and mature vision of whatever fucking apocalyptic future I'm
going to have to live in with Harry Canary. He's a Cubs fan and a BUG man. It's a joke!
Hire Alan Moore to write this. I want to see Yao Flamingo breaking his own neck to escape
capture.
I'm losing track of which one of the animal names is real and which ones I've made up.
Flank Robinson is a piece of a cow's belly who hits homeruns. Rusty Walrus is a race car
dri - fuck, they used it. I can't picture a solid use for "Rusty Walrus" other
than having him wander into the speedway and be struck by several oncoming vehicles. This
is the site if you want to check some of them out for yourself. They even have a
suggestion box, and a list of possible new characters. I think my favorite is "Sean
Puppy Combs." He can give ups to his man Notorious P.U.G. I am extending this joke
because oh my god Puggie Smalls! So cute.
Keep an eye out for the ZOOperstars (only one zoo per star) and their exclamation points
as they pointedly exclaim at an event near you. If you come across them, take a picture
with one of them so I can make deeper guarantees that these things aren't some kind of
Phantasm drug fantasy of mine.
Harry Canary, take us out.
AN A ONE
AN A TWO
AN A
Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I -
wait, does that sea cow have dreadlocks?
 manatee_the_torpedoes: manatee being
manatee |
