Shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck.
Jon presents "The Ziggy Exhibit."

written by Jon - september 9- 2003

A while back, Tom Wilson, drawer of the "Ziggy" comic strip, was coming to a local bookstore to sign autographs. I was itching to know what made this guy tick. If you've read much "Ziggy" at all, you've probably come to the conclusion that its creator is at least a little senile. I drove over to the bookstore and stood in line, not to get a comic strip signed by him, but just to stand there and, just for once second, look him in the eye. You can often tell the measure of a man when you look him square in the face. For over two hours I endured standing in line with people who were either old, fat, retarded, or women. It was almost more than I could bear. Every fifteen minutes, the old guy behind me would tap me on the shoulder and say, "They call it the World Wide Web, right? Well, riddle me this! Would that not make Bill Gates the spider?" The first few times I managed to force laughter, but after that I couldn't do it anymore, and just responded with, "Sorry, I can't talk to you right now. The building's on fire." even though it wasn't. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally made it to the table where Mr. Wilson himself was seated. He seemed to immediately sense that I was not one of the personalized-lithograph ilk. I leaned forward on the table, and whispered to him something that shall forever remain between him and I. His stare grew cold. Then he took out a meat cleaver and chopped my hand off.

Since that day, my gushing wound has grown into a more aesthetically-pleasing stump, but memories of that day have festered. I'm usually not one to get overly angry about things, but I am consumed with fury whenever my gaze happens upon Ziggy in the funny papers. Maybe it's because I now have to take turns beating off and typing "im taeking of my pants rrrrowwrr" when I cyber, or maybe it really is because Ziggy is that bad of a comic.

So who is Ziggy? He's some guy. I think it's a "he", anyway. He's short and round, and his nose consumes half of his face. There are plenty of other human characters in the comic, yet none of them look like this, and that is unrealistic. Also, his animals talk to him, and that is also unrealistic. It's like Tom Wilson doesn't even try to draw things right, and this sloppiness carries over to the jokes he tells through the strip. There have really only been three or four of said jokes in the entire 35-year history of the comic, it's just that every joke has been rehashed upwards of 50,000 times.

No description can really do it justice, so here it is: The Ziggy Exhibit.

#1.

The Joke: The reader expects Ziggy to say, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!" But Wilson replaces "miles" with "smiles", and places emphasis on this by drawing the "s" differently.

Many of Wilson's comics aren't meant to be funny, but to inspire. This, I suppose, would be the latter, though I'm having trouble picturing myself framing that next to my bathroom mirror so that when I get up and take a piss in the morning I can look at it and it will brighten my day. Actually, I'm pretty sure it would make me want to lock the door, take a razor blade to my wrist, and curl up in the bathtub. Or wait, I wonder if it's still considered a wrist if you don't have a hand.

The lay of the road is confusing. The horizon seems fairly level and unremarkable. Generally, roadways are only curved to navigate around geographical features such as mountains or bodies of water. None are to be seen here, and it seems as though Mr. Wilson has not been informed that the shortest path between two points is a straight line. And it's not just that the road isn't straight. It appears as if the poor sap hired to lay the road was driving the asphalt truck like they do in the movies. Ever really notice that? You don't see it as much as you used to, but in Hollywood, motor vehicles are apparently manufactured without gas pedals. The driver simply wobbles the steering wheel left and right as a means of propulsion. Whatever the case, I can't imagine a journey on that road to be one of a thousand smiles, unless you raided Tom Wilson's medicine cabinet beforehand. While you were in there, you could treat yourself to a little five-finger discount. Literally. Because on the first shelf in a bottle of formaldahyde you'll find my severed hand.

#2.

The Joke: Ziggy makes the obvious observation that one always does things on a "things-to-do-today" list today. Or... maybe the floor is yellow because he pissed all over it. Wait, that's not a joke. Fuck it, I don't think there's a joke to be found here.

It just occured to me that Ziggy really needs some pants. I'm not sure if that red thing he's wearing is his shirt, or if it's his underwear and his body lacks a torso.

Anyway. I guess this is another one of those inspirational comics. Or so it seems. Let's take a closer look at Ziggy's "THINGS TO DO TODAY" list.

Here's the best translation I can offer:

1. "Fly the hoover".

2. "Do laundry".

3. "Pay bills".

4. "Walking".

5. "Clean 10-92".

6. "Cut off someone's hand".

7. "Do Murphy, walk smoothly".

8. "Trick out ham wagon".

9. "Fix Uncle's sink".

Besides the unmistakable item #6, the list is tough to make out. I don't know what a "ham wagon" is, but I would imagine its owner to look a lot like Ziggy. At any rate, this list sheds a lot of light on what Ziggy does when the world isn't watching, such as piloting vacuum cleaners, tidying up the month of October 1992, and romancing former Atlanta Braves great Dale Murphy.

#3.

The Joke: "Expect the unexpected" is an oxymoron, as someone has pointed out and taken the liberty of writing on Ziggy's living room wall. Ziggy appears to be whistling, which may or may not be intended for comedic payoff.

Contrary to whoever wrote that on Ziggy's wall, I contend that it makes perfect sense. "The unexpected" is not just one possibility, but the representation of every conceivable possibility except one, known as "The expected". If someone told me to expect the unexpected, and then I found Pharell in a duck suit making out with Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan in my bathtub, I would not respond with "Well, duh! It's the unexpected!"

Also, Ziggy's left foot seems to have been replaced by a pile of bowling balls, further supporting my point.

#4.

The Joke: The mean-spirited waiter wants Ziggy to order the "chef's surprise", knowing that it will apparently spring some sort of trap on Ziggy.

There are several things that are completely unrealistic about this comic. It appears as though the restaurant is a) without a floor or walls, and b) on the surface of the Sun. This alone is so much to swallow that a joke really isn't necessary or appropriate here, but even if it were, I don't really understand it. Usually, a trap door swings down, descending its poor victim to a room far below. In 99% of situations, this is a laundry room, and in the other 5% it's a giant garbage compactor. Sadly, neither things will happen here, since the hinges are bolted on the wrong side. What the fuck kind of trap door is that? It's not built efficiently enough to be any sort of catapult or upward propulsion device. It looks like when Ziggy orders the Chef's Surprise, the table will sort of tilt awkwardly. Any waiter that anxiously awaits this should take a look at the parking lot in my apartment complex. It's so slanted that he would not believe how slanted it is.

Or maybe when someone orders the "chef's surprise", the waiter interprets it as innuendo to give the patron a handjob. This must be Tom Wilson's area of expertise, seeing as he's got no shortage of hands.

#5.

The Joke: Ziggy knows all the words to the music, but there are no words since it's elevator music. This leads to the conclusion that perhaps Ziggy is ignorant pop culture or any sort of culture whatsoever, and for some reason this is fucking hilarious.

This is the first thing you see after you die, since you're going to hell, you rotten shit. What you see here is the elevator bringing you down into Lucifer's waiting grasp, but you'll be happy to see him once you finally get down there, because Ziggy is the last creature you'd want to stand in an elevator with. I always feel awkward standing silently in an elevator, and I wouldn't know what to say to a man that looks like the illegitimate child of a crackhead mother and a stick of butter.

This another comic in which Tom Wilson's apparent dearth of real-world experience and logic is evident. Above the door, the meter shows twelve stories. Yet there are only four buttons on the control panel. At first I tried to excuse it by reasoning that the buttons represented "open door", "close door", "emergency stop", and "fire alarm". But I had to dig a little deeper to expose the truth here. I talked to Bill Sinclair, project supervisor of Matthews' Business Systems, Inc., situated right here in Louisville, KY.

I showed Bill the comic, and he couldn't help but shake his head. "This is just laughable", he said. "It's not even archaic, it's just completely impractical and ignorant of how elevator control panels are laid out. Nearly every elevator built since the 1940s has included buttons for every floor. Do you have any idea of how inefficient an up-down interface would be? I suppose one would have to hold a finger on the UP button, or just press it once it stops on every floor."

"Tom Wilson? More like, Tom Gay", he added.

#6, 7, 8, 9.

The Joke: Technology these days!

The two on the left appear to be Wilson's attempts at absurdist humor. He seems to be thinking, "In a world gone mad, it is animals who will win the day! ANIMALS! And it's all for the better, since humanity is worse off with computers anyway!" He probably stumbled upon this epiphany while struggling to operate his toaster without burning his fingers off. Keep in mind, this guy is a fucking moron. I'm not a technical genius or anything, but I have a much easier time using a computer even though I only have one hand. The two on the right are hilarious plays off common computer-lingo. The thought behind these jokes is that "computer people" have become so accustomed to these buzzwords and catchphrases that they can't step back and take a look at the big picture, and realize that everything they're saying sounds funny and stupid! Nevermind the fact that were it not for these "computer people", the sort of people that enjoy this humor would be saying these things to each other via two styrofoam cups tied to waxed string and making their daily commutes with wooden boards with wheels underneath that use giant sails made out of blankets for propulsion. Now, since these "computer people" are there to make their lives easier, they settle for other avenues of genius. For example, when they can't find a charger that works with their cell phone they'll shove a fork into an electrical socket and tape the other end to the battery contacts on the back of the phone. I swear to God that people really do this.

#10.

The Joke: Rabbits like carrots!

This comic makes me want to cry. Not because it's bad, but because it has a special place in my heart. My parents have a rabbit at their house, and it used to be the object of the family's affection until it was stolen by a dog. I feel bad whenever I come over to visit, so I I like to slice off part of an apple and feed it to him. Except he's so starved for attention that when I try to feed it to him he tries to have sex with my hand. Notice I did not say "hands". I do not have a second hand. It was chopped off by Tom Wilson, creator of Ziggy.

When I see this strip, I think of that poor bunny, and then I feel bad about him, and then I look at Ziggy and feel bad for making fun of him. He's just some poor guy who's trying to make a cake! And he's smiling and keeping a positive outlook on things, no matter how much dirt life kicks in his face! Maybe I'm a softy, but I weep as I type this. Softly. For Ziggy. May Tom Wilson get punched in the eye so hard that he dies, ending your mercilessly long march on the mouse wheel of life.

- Jon.
[email protected]
AIM: Boiskov

progressive boink archives
main page