50 Reasons to Hate the New York Yankees.


written by Nick, Jon, B and Justin- october 14 - 2003

Here at ProgressiveBoink, we're drawn together by two things -- love of Calvin & Hobbes, and hatred of the New York Yankees.  And since Bill Watterson will see our site any day now and come to my house and say "BUY 'EM OUT, BOYS!  HAHAHA" and smush my pencil holder made out of butter, we'll soon be tied together only by our wish to see Pedro Martinez pick Derek Jeter off first with a shotgun.  Those who truly enjoy baseball will enjoy this list; those who live in lands who have somehow worked themselves adrift from North America will soon learn everything they need to know to enjoy the game.

Nick.

Go Sox.

1. Jorge Posada

My least favorite person on the current Yankees roster. He is also the most overrated catcher to date. For every single person who knows who Jorge Posada is, Ivan Rodgriguez should be given ten bucks. It’s only fair.

2. Yankee Apparel kids who don’t know a curveball from a testicle ball

I guess you could call them posers, I’d prefer to call them ass soda. Yeah, think of how comfortable it would be to pass soda. Not too fun, and neither are these kids. Not fun to poop soda.

3. George Steinbrener

I hate his money. It’s what allows Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, and Jason Giambi to have sex in the same dugout. If it were up to me they’d be having sex in jail. Against their will. With spoons stolen from the cafeteria. And KY. Wait. No KY.

4. Roger Clemens

Urge to kill: Rising. Remember when I said Jorge Posada was my least favorite Yankee? Fuck that, this guy is. What a piece of crap. Every single time he lets up 2 or more runs he starts complaining of THAT HORRIBLE HAMSTRING OF HIS. 5 runs? OWWWW MY GROIN IS BROKEN!!!! TAKE ME OUT, JOE, I AINT GONNA MAKE IT!!!

5. The greatest television moment ever

Tina Fey: Now it's time for an old favorite here at "Weekend Update" - "Point/Counterpoint". Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight's topic on "Point/Counterpoint": "Derek Jeter Sucks" - "No, I Don't". Derek, why don't we start with you.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that's great. The fans really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.

Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?

Seth Meyers: YOU SUCK!

Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.

Seth Meyers: I'll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

I think that about sums it up.

6. Commercials

Jason Giambi: "Being a half-retarded caveman isn’t easy, and a guy can really work up a sweat. That’s when I reach for deodorant, sometimes. Other times I just get confused by my body odor and break things like an immature child. Bye!"

Steinbrenner: "What’s this I hear about you doing stuff at night? You some kinda idiot?"

Jeter: "I like ladies. I am not gay."

Steinbrenner: "… Ok."

I USE OLD SPICE AND I USE DISCOVER CARDS. I AM NO YANKEE.

7. Chuck Knoblauch

Hey Buddy! Could you toss me that orange. WHOA! THAT THROW WAS NO WHERE NEAR ME! WANNA TRY AGAIN? NO? OK.

What do Knoblauch and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both wear a glove for no reason.

Zing.

8. Don Zimmer

The Progressive Boink team gathered in a chat room last Wednesday to discuss who would discuss what aspects of the Yankees to prevent duplicates. No one chose Don Zimmer. Call it fate, call it destiny, but something told me on Friday to call dibs on the fatty. I was going to discuss how retarded it is to pay this guy money to just sit on the bench and crack jokes with Joe Torre, BUT THEN A WRITER’S BEST FRIEND, PUBLICITY STUNT:

"When Ramirez took exception to a Clemens pitch in the bottom of the inning, both benches cleared, and off to the side of the usual pushing and shoving, Zimmer and Martinez were involved in their own fracas near the Red Sox dugout. The grandfatherly Zimmer, nicknamed Popeye, went straight at Martinez, motioning as if attempting to make physical contact. Martinez pushed Zimmer aside and to the ground."

This "push" that they mention was actually Pedro grabbing Zimmer’s bald head with two hands and literally dropping him face first into the ground. Here is a picture of Zimmer:

9. Scott Brosius

Goofy. Really Goofy. Scott Brosius. He looks like a friggin’ muppet in pinstripes. I guess that’s all I really have against the guy, but a man of such goofiness should be recognized.

10. They ruined the Detroit Tigers

Give them back Cecil Fielder, please. Oh wait, you sucked the last years out of his life. Thanks, you assholes. You managed to embarrass an entire state. Congratulations. Fags.

B.

1.  Mike Mussina

You can't find loyalty in sports anywhere these days, but Roger Clemens and Mike Mussina take pinstriped dumps on loyalty.  I understand being traded or signing with another team, but when you sign away from a losing team to be on a winning team in the SAME DIVISION you're being a cockhole.  I chose Mussina because I've been an Orioles fan since birth.  And yes, the last time they won the World Series I was three years old.  And they beat the Pirates, which is like beating a little league team.  

But dammit, the Orioles needed a pitcher who wasn't a retard, and Mussina filled that hole nicely.  Did you ever SEE Ben McDonald?  His rookie card was worth about twenty bucks in Beckett, which was apropos because it matched his ERA.  Gregg Olson had one curve ball that every decent hitter learned to hit after the first strike, and everybody else without an IQ between zero and Armando Benitez got traded.  Help your team win, Mike, don't just be another paycheck in the rotation to get your wins.  Be the ace, Mike, not the guy cleaning up the big patch of moisture that shows up on Rocket's butt every fifth inning.   Mussina sold out, bottom line, and I hope he enjoys a chafed cock from masturbating with his World Series rings on.

And I also hope he enjoys not being able to win the big game.  As of this post he's 0-3 in the ALCS.  So maybe Mike Mussina is a reason to LOVE the faggot Yankees.

2.  Don Mattingly era fans

The most grating of all Yankees fans are the ones who proclaim that they "loved them when they weren't any good!"   Okay, look.  I hate the Yankees, but I can't change history.  In the early part of last century, the Yankees had arguably the most famous team in the history of sports.  Babe Ruth.  Lou Gehrig.  That era lead into the era of Joe Dimaggio, which lead into Mickey Mantle.  Don Larsen's perfect game in the 56 series.  Whitey Ford in the sixties.  Roger Maris hitting 61 homeruns.  Reggie Jackson hitting three homers in a World Series game in the 70's.  Thurman Munson in 78.  26 World Titles.  

Face facts you little cum dumpters.  The ONLY time the Yankees have ever been not good was for the twenty seconds Don Mattingly played. This doesn't earn you a prize.  

3.  Jeffrey Maier incident

An innocent fan interference?  No.  I take this directly from the Yankees website, from the 100th ANNIVERSARY PHOTO GALLERY.  ON THEIR OWN WEBSITE.  ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

"Baltimore Orioles' right fielder Tony Tarasco stretches for the ball as young Yankee fan Jeffrey Maier interferes during Game 1 of the American League Championship Series at Yankee Stadium Oct. 9, 1996. The hit was ruled a home run tying the game 4-4 in the eighth inning."

I think I speak for every Orioles fan when I offer this up to Jeffrey Maier, every Yankee, and every Yankee Fan.

FUCK YOU.

One of my goals in life is to pistol whip that little shitstain.

4.  Joe Torre always picks his nose

Sometimes this makes me actually say the letters WTF, in an embarrassing tie-in to Internet culture.  Joe Torre is always picking his nose.  Whenever the camera is on the Yankees dugout Torre is digging out, with his index at least six inches up his face.  I guess he's just digging for some more gold to pay B-team Triple-A worthy guys like Bernie Williams twelve million dollars a year.

He probably got prostate cancer from constantly digging his finger in his ass.

5.  Joe Dimaggio winning the MVP over Triple Crown Winner Ted Williams in 47

In 1947 Joe Dimaggio batted .315, had 20 homeruns, and 97 RBIs. In 1947 Ted Williams batted .343, had 32 homeruns, and batted in 114. Williams had a higher batting average by .28, had twelve more homeruns, and knocked in 17 more runs. Ted Williams was a Red Sock.  Dimaggio was a Yankee with Yankee hype. Dimaggio won the MVP.  Dimaggio is immortalized in a famous Simon and Garfunkel song. Ted Williams is made of ice.

6.  Roger Maris

Roger Maris is the single most overrated player in the history of baseball. The man only had three good seasons, one of them including a homerun record, and he gets his number retired. Not to mention Reggie Jackson and Billy Martin having THEIR numbers retired. They played a combined twelve seasons for the Yankees and batted .261.

7.  The Red Yankees cap

I hate Fred Durst. You hate Fred Durst. Even fans of Fred Durst hate Fred Durst.  The Yankees cap is not red. The Yankees cap is blue. If you want to wear a red baseball hat, there are many teams, including the Cardinals, Reds, and so on, who wear red hats.  OH BUT THE YANKEES ARE SO COOL.Take off that stupid ass hat.

8.  Fans who stay after the games to sing "New York New York"

Eric Cartman said it best. "You're a fucking faggot, dude".There are a million things to do in New York at all times of the night. Pick one that doesn't involve you looking like a yuppie idiot. Remember when they had the world's largest Macarena in Yankee Stadium? Something about those hallowed walls makes you want to shake your butt to techno music. So does being in a gay club.

9.  Steve Howe

Steve Howe tested positive for cocaine use three times and was suspended seven. The Yankees wanted to give him another chance to clean up his act. Howe did coke and went to rehab. The Yankees wanted to give him another chance. Howe bought a gram of coke in MONTANA. He got a lifetime ban for substance abuse. The Yankees GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. He was found with a loaded gun in his suitcase in JFK airport. In 1999 Steve Howe was banned from volunteer coaching his daughter's softball team for substance abuse.He appealed, and was
rejected.

I'm sure the Yankees are looking into signing him.

10.  Paul O'Neill

The greatest Yankee of them all. Paul O'Neill is trying to graduate high school, so his teacher tells him that if he can solve a simple math problem, he can graduate.

Teacher:  "What is 10 minus 5?"
Paul:  "11."
The rest of the Yankees:  "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

So the teacher gives him another shot.

Teacher:  "What is 6 plus 6?"
Paul:  "4."
The rest of the Yankees:  "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

So the teacher gives him another shot.

Teacher:  "What is 9 times 1?"
Paul:  "The letter R."
The rest of the Yankees:  "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

And then Paul cried.

Jon.

10. They get the unfair advantage of added fan support of Mets fans who have given up on their team by June. I think my all-time favorite baseball quote came from Braves first baseman Chipper Jones during the 1999 NLCS against the Mets. He said, "We want to shut these Mets fans up for good so that they can go home and put their Yankees stuff on." We beat them, only to get swept by the Yankees. Damn it. By the way, everyone should use "we" when referring to any team playing to the Yankees. It's just understood.

Justin.

Hey guys, I was late with my update again, as I was caught up in a day-long Don Zimmer masturbation fantasy.  Also, this is Jon this is not Jon.  This is Justin.  The penalty for not having your post ready   is to have someone else write your post for you is not to have someone write your post for you.

Actually, I don't know what I'm doing on this list.   I'm a huge Yankees fan.  Here are my reasons why.

1. Poor Don Zimmer! 

Mayor Bloomberg is absolutely right.  Pedro Martinez should be arrested for not letting Don Zimmer tackle him. 

2. REMEMBER 9-11. 

When I saw those planes strike the Two Towers, I wept for those who heroically got burned to death.  And rooting against the Yankees during these turbulent times would just be unpatriotic.

3.  The legacy.  

Why would you want to root for a team that's won more than any other team?  It doesn't make sense!  Anyone who roots for a team that doesn't make the playoffs is a mental degenerate.

4.  George Steinbrenner is quiet an owner.  Only a man of such stature and power could do such an incredible job of making sure that the Yankees are the best team in baseball year after year.

5.  I hate the Red Sox. 

lol, and I live in Boston.  Imagine that!  They had to build a special school for me since I'm the only Yankees fan in Boston.  Last time I tried to ride the T with a Yankees cap I got my ass beat like a Mississippi queer.

6.  Derek Jeter is the man.

I'm sorry, but who wouldn't want Mr.  November over the likes of Rodriguez or Garciaparra?  I cover the ceiling above my bed with his posters so that he's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

7.  Fred Durst represents the Yankees!

I like wearing the official red Yankees cap that Fred Durst has.  The other day some guy tried to sell me a counterfeit cap.  I was all like, "I'LL TAKE THE COUNTERFEIT

AND POP HIS ASS LIKE A ZIT

WITH THE STAH-FISH NAVIGATION SYSTEM

8.  I met Danny Tartabull one time.

9. Remember, this is not Jon who is writing Justin's part of the article.

10.  Roger Clemens is my dad.

Him and Mr. Steinbrenner bought me a spot in the Hall of Fame, and I can wear in whatever hat I want to.  I think I want to wear a hat that says "BUTTON YOUR FLY."  Dad says that I'm what counts and that Ron Santo can hobble his amputee ass out of Cooperstown.

The REAL Justin.

I don’t really like the Yankees… but the new Staind track on the radio is pretty cool…

1. The Curse of the Bambino

BASEBALL HISTORY!

In 1919, Red Sox owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees for $100,000 because he needed money to finance his Broadway play. However, after nearly killing plucky 11 year old Preston Waters in a parking lot, he inadvertently drafted a blank check to cover the damages incurred upon Preston’s comical old timey bicycle with the large front wheel. Only after a series of wacky hijinx not in any way comparable to Home Alone, do we learn the true value of a dollar. I don’t know. I really wasn’t paying much attention to the plot by this point. Tone Loc was there too, clinging to whatever star power he had left at that point, and Rick Ducommun’s career reached dizzying new heights, culminating with a bit role in the 2000 cinematic opus MVP: Most Valuable Primate.

BASEBALL HISTORY!

Anyway, I’m relatively sure that if Babe Ruth possessed postmortem supernatural powers, he wouldn’t expend them enforcing some faux pas bullshit curse. He’d probably be too busy haunting brothels and exploring man’s recent technological breakthroughs on both the fried chicken and the coked up prostitute fronts to even give a damn.

2. Don Zimmer’s disgusting neck fat.

Don Zimmer is the closest a human will ever come to actually BEING Jabba the Hut. I just don’t understand how a man could knowingly allow himself to amass enough flab under his chin to essentially pose a threat to children and small animals everywhere. Oh wait. Yes I can. He’s the bench manager. He gets PAID to park his fat ass on a bench every day, he’s emotionally unstable, and he picks fights with minorities. Christ, the only thing separating Don Zimmer from homeless people is a paycheck.

3. Derek Jeter has had sex with Mariah Carey before.

If for no other reason, this deserves a spot on the list solely because there was that brief period of time when the entire nation looked on in horror as the prospect of Mariah Carey spewing forth a child from the inner recesses of her bowels was brought one step closer to fruition. Awesome. Now I’ve gone and conjured up mental images of Mariah Carey’s vagina. That’s going to require therapy somewhere down the line.

4. Their fickle fan base.

Baseball’s regular season is a joke. You already know which teams are clinching their respective divisions by the end of frigging April. The other hundred twenty games only serve as a vehicle to help decide which of the same three or four clubs are going to grab the wild card spot As such, you’d think that the sheer predictability of baseball would deter Yankees fans from acting like fucking clown shoes, but then you’d be underestimating the combined stupidity of such a large group of people.

Listening to John Sterling, long time radio play-by-play man, echoing the sentiments of the New York fan base after a Yankees win has got to be one of the three funniest things I’ve ever been exposed to, and I know comedy. Hell, I’ve seen Carrot Top in person on FIVE separate occasions! It’s amazing how overzealous one man can get over even the most trivial of victories. It really wouldn’t matter if the Yankees were playing Jesus and his team of ragtag apostles, or a scrappy group of underdogs from the Pine Mountain Creek camp for the terminally ill. He’d still treat the victory as if they simultaneously found a cure for AIDS, ended world hunger, and achieved world peace. Oh, and God forbid the Yankees actually lose a game, because the crowd has a tendency to turn on them with such ferocity and animosity, that the resulting chorus of boos could put the response Hitler would get for pissing on Mother Theresa to shame.

5. “The Scout”

Attention all blossoming baseball franchises. Do whatever it takes to make sure that your team’s owner comprehends the severity of what I’m about to tell you. Brand it into his forehead using a tire iron. Carve it into his forearms and chest using a straight razor. I really don’t care. Just make sure that he never allows Albert Brooks to be associated with your organization in any way, shape, or form. Doing so will result in horrible tripe like “The Scout”, defiling whatever credibility your team has managed to cumulate. The only thing more awkward than Albert Brooks’ existence is watching Brendan Frasier stumble around for two hours, making constipated faces, and screaming “AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL” for the duration of a two hour long “feature presentation”.

6. Jeremy Giambi actually exists, and he plays for the Red Sox.

I really don’t know what the hell happened here. The only way I can possibly justify a boneheaded move of this caliber is by likening it to earlier this year when WWE was trying to sign one-legged wrestler Zach Gowan. However, in a move completely justifying his ascension to heir-apparent for the position of head of talent relations, Johnny Ace was sent to sign him, but the contract was given to the wrong one-legged wrestler. Such must have been the case with Jeremy Giambi, because I couldn’t think of any other reason for the Sox to actively pursue this guy. He’s a crappy baseball player, and what’s worse, unlike his infinitely superior brother, he can’t even perform a one legged moonsault off of the top rope.

In case you’re unaware, Jeremy is the younger, slightly retarded Giambi sibling. His brother Jason plays starting first base for the Yankees, and we hate them.

7. There’s absolutely no way to justify purchasing a Yankee ticket.

You’re likely to get more bang for your buck by bludgeoning the shit out of your face with a frying pan immediately following major reconstructive surgery than you are from paying to attend a Yankees game. Seriously, what the hells the point? At any given time they’ve got a 75% chance of winning any game they’re playing, since George Steinbrenner paid roughly FOURTY BILLION DOLLARS to secure every player in Major League Baseball. I heard he even paid to have the corpses of past players dug up and signed, just in case the dead one day decide to walk the earth, stop feasting on the flesh of the living, and decide to start up their own unionized baseball franchise. Wow, you just watched your team of genetically enhanced super mutants trounce the fucking Tigers. Congratulations. Now get in line monkey, so you can pay more money to have your picture taken with the 1996 World Series trophy. Fan appreciation doesn’t come cheap you know.

8. Jeff Nelson is a hypocrite.

What would you do if a three hundred pound gelatinous tub of goo came careening at you, wildly flailing what at one point might have constituted as an arm? Well, if you’re Pedro Martinez, you own his ass by making him and the infield dirt casual acquaintances of each other. However, according to Yankees closer and resident saint Jeff Nelson, Pedro should have been gunned down on the spot for not wanting to make skin-on-skin contact with Don Zimmer.

Why is it then that the very same Jeff Nelson felt the need to stomp a member of the Red Sox grounds crew later in that very same game? I guess I wasn’t aware that kicking somebody in the back while wearing cleats was now the “corking” thing to do. That Red Sox employee was totally out of line though. Rooting against the opposing team and possibly talking a little shit has no place in professional sports. You deserve to be fucked up for doing something as outlandish as razzing an opponent.

9. Roger Clemens wore a Yankees cap during a 20th century greats ceremony.

Way to go Rocket. Picking the Yankees as the team you feel the strongest sentimental attachment to was just the final kick in the balls. At this point, the only way you could further offend the Red Sox fan base would be by unfreezing Ted Williams’ corpse, decapitating his lifeless head, and transforming it into a ToTaLlY RaDiKeWl skull bong.

10. Self-Aware Yankees fans visiting Boston.

Just do both of us a favor and stay the fuck out of Boston please. We don’t find your antics amusing. Yes, you’re wearing a New York Yankees shirt in the heart of Red Sox country. If you do insist on coming here, at least adhere to the following three rules please. I guarantee it’ll make your stay that much more tolerable for the both of us.

-We get it. You’re a pariah. It’s a very clever way to draw attention to yourself. Joking about not wanting to get beat up for wearing the Roger Clemens pinstripe jersey isn’t going to make people laugh. Its simply going to increase your chances of actually getting beat up

- Only yell stupid phrases like “THE RED SOX SUCKS” and the ever popular “GO YANKEES” if the response you desire ranges from being kicked in the shin to being kicked between the front teeth.

- Finally, do NOT counter a “Yankees suck” chant with “MORE LIKE THE RED SOX SWALLOW” retort. Although you might think that attaching lewd sexual implications to an ages old chant is clever, it really isn’t.

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