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Welcome, faithful reader and/or weary traveler (on the internet
which can apparently be traveled upon in a universe in which
the internet is a concrete object on which one can stand), to
the first regular post of Progressive Boink, version 2.0. I've
spent the first half of the month redesigning the main parts
of the website as a small first step in bringing it into a new
era. One of the main things I wanted to do with this new layout
is to make our posts more easily readable. As both a writer
and a web designer, I've come to stress that written content
take precedence over looking pretty, especially on a site like
ours... a site with a message. The rest of the staff & I
have approached the launch of the new P-boi with a rejuvenated
attitude to reaching our goals as a website. Starting now, you
will once again begin to see the more urgently serious approach
to social commentary that was present in P-boi's early days.
I have been chosen to lead the way by addressing & researching
the mystery behind one of today's most pressing issues...
Whoops, sorry. Wrong server. Stay with me here...
There we go.
Yes, gas prices. I know it's a big adjustment to what you're used
to from us, but even if you're okay with turning a blind eye in your big Ford
truck that you affectionately refer to as your "baby," the frightening truth
of the matter is that we shouldn't have to. Our economy should not be in such
peril, & reason
behind the skyrocketing cost of oil is being covered up by our very own government.
Now hold on there, friend. Before you go to Washington on a
protesting rampage, take off your stupid "Not My President" wristband for a minute
& continue reading. This deception is not solely the device
of the Republican party currently in power. It has, unfortunately, spread into
all corners of the political spectrum. The Democrats, for example, have
gone as far as to produce feature-length films in attempt to convince us that
global warming & the increase in powerful hurricanes are the root causes of the
problem at the pump. Others point a finger at the tension in the Middle East,
particularly Iraq, to distract us, like an amateur magician draws our attention
away from the coin he let fall onto his lap by motioning with his hands as if
he was picking it up & making it disappear.
Upon doing some digging on the subject, an informant pointed me
in the right direction, & I soon uncovered the real culprit behind the rising
price of oil. My discovery was a bit startling...
That is not a cheap Photoshop edit, dear friends. The reason you
are paying so much for gas is because Bowser, King of the Koopas, has worked
his way up the executive ladder in the oil business, & has placed ridiculous
taxes on our gasoline. What you are looking at is a transcription of the tail
end of a real conversation
in which he spills his plan to Princess Toadstool.
I know it's hard to swallow, but what's
worse is that we were warned. Had we recognized the signs, we would've had
ample time to foil Bowser's plan, but at
the time, few people had the foresight to view expensive oil as a potential problem.
On the flipside, Nintendo was still a powerful corporate entity in the early
1990s, so a blatant revelation of King Koopa's scheme would have likely been
followed by an "unexpected" sudden bankruptcy. They knew they had to lay low,
so its usual media outlet, video games, would not do. They had to warn us through
another method, one that was easily accessible, while at the same time leaving
the powers that be oblivious.
Unfortunately, most of the general population was also oblivious
to Nintendo's plan.
They chose ten messengers to spread the word that our would-be
financially comfortable future was in danger. The message needed to be something
people could quickly & enthusiastically get behind.
Music! The power of song would surely ignite
the fires in our hearts. In 1991, Nintendo Power magazine hid
the transcript of Bowser's conversation with their agent, Princes
Toadstool, in booklets for a CD called White Knuckle Scorin',
a colorful compilation of motivational anthems.
white-knuck·le
adj. Slang
Characterized by tense nervousness or apprehension:
a white-knuckle emergency landing; white-knuckle time
in the hospital waiting room; white-knuckle scorin'.
Yeah, I was pretty nervous the first time I had sex, too.
Oh, wait. Scorin' like in video games!
And white-knuckle because Mario wears white gloves! I guess
everybody just thought they were supposed to listen to it while
playing Nintendo games. No wonder nobody bought it. What lame-o
turns the volume down on a video game to listen to a CD? Provided
that the game in question isn't M.C. Kids for the NES, I mean.
The sound in that game was pretty horrendous, so I wouldn't
blame a guy. Still, there's something to be said about advertising
a CD to make it look so exciting that it'll make hyperactive
teenage girls climb on top of the TV & watch you play as
they hang upside-down.
Here I thought it was because they thought
the music was crappy. My informant, who shall remain anonymous
to protect the innocent, managed to send via carrier pigeon
a copy of White Knuckle Scorin'. A quick runthrough of the album
reveals nothing, except that the bands & artists Nintendo
chose to spread their cause were kind of terrible. This could
either be part of Nintendo's urgent need to lay low, or because
the early '90s was a confusing time for music. Synth pop &
glam rock weren't quite out of style just yet; grunge &
alternative weren't quite in style just yet. So all Nintendo
really had to choose from at this point were some no-name bands
hanging by threads in limbo. And Crosby, Stills & Nash.
While Nintendo's original quest, to prevent
King Koopa from corrupting the oil industry, is lost, there
is still hope. With this in mind, I present to you samples of
the songs of White Knuckle Scorin', in hope that listening to
the original message might be small first step in reviving our
state-smashing spirits.
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