The Web Aptitude Test

Welcome, student, to the Web Aptitude Test.  This examination will evaluate your aptitude level as an Internet user.  Remember that there are no wrong answers, only right ones and incorrect ones.

 

Please record your answers on the attached SCANTRON® sheet.  Fill in all bubbles completely, using only a number 2 pencil.  You have twenty minutes to complete each section.

 

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Section One:  Problem Solving

 

1. Greg has two apples.  Susie has none.  Greg should:

 

a)      Give Susie one of his apples and ask her to the prom.

b)      Save his apples to give to teachers; you never know when those brownie points can be cashed in!

c)      Eat both apples himself, letting errant food particles fall to and fro into his illustrious neckbeard.

d)     Throw both apples in the garbage and hyperventilate in the bathroom as a result of his self-diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome.

 

2. Wendell has been picked last for the gameball team in Phys Ed class.  How does this make him feel?

 

a)      Slightly disappointed, but hopeful for what the next day of physical education with his chums might bring.

b)      Crushed.  Oh, but he’ll show them all one day when he’s successful and they’re working menial jobs!

c)      Heh, Wendell cares naught for physical activity; mental betterment is all that matters.  Let those asshatting fucktards toss a ball around.  Whoop de doo.  Fuckbaskets.

d)      I don’t know.  I can’t relate to Wendell because I have Asperger’s (self-diagnosed).

 

3. Craig is being picked on at school.  One day, the meanest bully, Ronald, punches Craig without provocation.  How should he react?

 

a)      Just walk away.  Sometimes being the bigger man means swallowing your pride.

b)      Fight back.  The bullies have to know they can’t just walk all over Craig.

c)      Become flushed with rage.  Bring in his folded steel (a samurai sword) the next day and promptly get expelled.

d)      “Go Super-Saiyan.”

 

4. Millicent is at a party and she sees a few friends smoking dope.  They offer her some (some dope).  What should she do?

 

a)      Politely decline.

b)      Give in to peer pressure.

c)      Honk, “I’M STRAIGHT EDGE!”

d)      i hhave asberger.  my only friend are on irc.  img oing to comit suicide

 

5. Constance ’s friend Pearl has invited her to a church outing.  Unfortunately, it’s on a school night.  What should she do?

 

a)      Bring her homework along for the bus ride and save room for s’mores!  Yum!

b)      Politely decline.  Homework first!

c)      Bring her sundry beads and devices.  Those sheeple are going to be in for the surprise of their lives when they realize they have a Wiccan in their midst…

d)      ffrieind…,.

 

6. Darnell wants a new “R & B” compact disc, but he doesn’t have the money right now.  What should he do?

 

a)      Work extra hours down at Pop’s Eatery to save up for it!

b)      Passive aggressively drop hints to his parents that he wants them to buy it for him.

c)      Probably steal it (not racist; I have black friends)

d)      i have nevr met a balck person.  i live under a twisted mass of roots in the forest

 

7. Wan-Shuan wants to go to a concert on Saturday, but his mother has asked him to clean his room then.  What should he do?

 

a)      Calmly explain his predicament to his mother and try to work out a compromise.

b)      Sneak out on Saturday and go to the concert against her wishes.

c)      Lock himself in the bathroom and shake with fury until he passes out and wakes up in the hospital after the concert has already taken place.  He should subsequently constantly complain about his mother’s tyranny.

d)      i have finnal fantasy vii sountrakc

 

8. Pierre wants to be a great artist but he’s become increasingly frustrated by his lack of technical ability.  What should he do?

 

a)      Start taking drawing lessons at the local rec center.  The only obstacle in his way is a little thing called pride!

b)      Give up.

c)      Draw a webcomic.

d)      Draw a webcomic.

 

9. Gawain just can’t seem to shed that last 15 pounds!  He should:

 

a)      Keep reaching for that rainbow!  It’s more important to be healthy and happy with yourself than have a “chiseled bod” anyway.

b)      Give up.  He has slow metabolism.  Being large runs in his family.

c)      Continue subsiding on energy drinks and Funyuns.  Only shallow girls care about looks.

d)      i weight 500 pouds.  social services has to come flip me over every six month

 

10. Ruth is worried that the boys at school don’t seem to notice her.  She should:

 

a)      Take the initiative!  Boys get nervous too, you know!

b)      Buy tighter clothes.

c)      Move across the country to marry her thirty-one-year-old World of Warcraft guild leader.

d)      wht is gerl?

 

 

CONTINUE TO THE NEXT SECTION

 

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Section Two:  Reasoning Skills

 

1. Harry and Ron are running a race.  Harry finishes in 5 minutes.  Ron’s a bit slower.  He finishes in the factorial of Harry’s time!  How long did it take Ron to finish the race?

 

a.       120 minutes

b.      15 minutes

c.       I’m homeschooled.

d.      mmm…reminds meh of a slash fanfic meh wrote

 

2. I’m a red hat, but I don’t go on your head.  Sometimes I look like a penguin, but I don’t live in Antarctica .  What am I?

 

a.       What the fuck are you talking about.

b.      The popular open-source operating system Linux.

c.       Fuck Micro$oft.

d.      teh linuxz0r…

 

3. Minnie merges into a lane of traffic in front of Fred, when a squirrel runs in front of her and she slams on her brakes.  There is an accident.  Who is at fault?

 

a.       Fred; he should have left enough space between his car and Minnie’s that he could safely decelerate without incident.

b.      Minnie; she should have been more aware of her surroundings.

c.       Minnie; all women are worthless sluts and terrible drivers.

d.      “King” George W. Bu$h…

 

4. All shneebles are gnorbles.  Some gnorbles are fleegals.  Which of the following is true?

 

a.       All shneebles are fleegals.

b.      All fleegals are shneebles.

c.       All fleegals are gnorbles.

d.      All gnorbles are shneebles.

 

5. Which is the best movie?

 

a.       Napoleon Dynamite

b.      Donnie Darko

c.       Final Fantasy: Advent Children

d.      Faces-of-Death-III-HR-3-5-1-XviD-LOL.torrent

 

CONTINUE TO THE NEXT SECTION

 

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Section Three:  Reading Comprehension

 

selections from:  “Hallway Hookup”

I can't believe Zell dared me to do this. Was expectin' something like doing a striptease for him and Squall, not walking around Garden once in a female student uniform. Guess that's what I get for losing so badly to him in Triple Triad. Squall lost earlier and hadda show us that he really doesn't wear anything under those tight pants. We knew it anyway, but Zell wanted to see for himself. How can girls walk in skirts this short? I can't take a normal step without being afraid that it'll ride up and show what I don't have on underneath. Least he didn't make me wear makeup, though he did insist that I put my hair in pigtails. From the back, I could probably pass for an abnormally tall girl. Whew, I'm almost done with this humiliation. Until someone pushes me against a wall face-first and I feel a bulge digging into my ass before a familiar low voice whispers in my ear. …  I kiss him this time and he squeezes my ass before shifting me and starting to pound against my prostate like he'd been doing with his fingers. But this feels a lot better since he's hot and thick and hard inside me. And I'm not going to last much longer, especially after he strokes me just as fast as he's fucking me, his teeth digging into my shoulder and his other hand pressing just under my tailbone. All I can do is gasp, pant, and moan, tightening hard around him the instant before I see stars again and feel myself spurting into his hand and the skirt. Seifer growls louder and keeps thrusting a few last, hard times, enough to almost make me come again from the continued pressure against my prostate. When I hear the loudest noise and feel his warmth inside me, I yelp again while resting against him. Don't wanna move, but I know I gotta get back to the dorms. Zell and Squall will be waiting for me.

a.   what

b. well i…

c.   heh…

d. ^_^ teh *fap fap fap fap*

CONTINUE TO THE NEXT SECTION

 

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Section Four: Analogies

 

1. harsh reality:euphemism::morbidly obese:_________

 

a.       zaftig

b.      big-boned

c.       it’s mostly muscle

d.      MY CURVY GIRLFRIEND

 

2. Britney Spears:Mozart::Thomas Kinkade: _________

 

a.       Michelangelo

b.      Picasso

c.       H.R. Giger

d.      Tezuka-san

 

3. bull:dozer::ass:_________

 

a.       hole

b.      butt

c.       hat

d.      brisketing twatmarket

 

4. food:cuisine::sweets:_________

 

a.       bonne bouche

b.      dessert

c.       pocky

d.      pocky dipped in natto

 

5. scribble:art::flipbook: _________

a.       animated epic

b.      anime

c.       anime

d.      lolichan

 

END OF TEST

 

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Your test results should arrive in six to eight weeks.  If, however, you would like your results sooner, consult the following grading rubric to determine a rough estimate of your score:

 

If you answered mostly ‘A’s:  congratulations!  You are not an Internet user!

If you answered mostly ‘B’s:  congratulations!  You have a MySpace and perhaps post on the GameFAQs forums.  However, you also have real friends whom you see on a regular basis and who perhaps even enjoy your company.

If you answered mostly ‘C’s:  congratulations!  You are an Internet user!  You have a goatee and a ponytail and wear bowling shirts, often dragon-themed.  We regret to inform you that people are laughing at your fedora and not your loudly shouted jokes.

If you answered mostly ‘D’s:  congratulations!  You are an Internet Grand Wizard!  I would bow before you, but your self-diagnosed Asperger’s prevents you from understanding my intentions when I do so.  See you on IRC!