When B and I moved into PBHQ a little over a year ago, we decided we'd bring with us
his collection of albums, mostly inherited from his parents. The downside to this is that
we did not and still don't own any record player, so there's little more to do with the
albums than to take them out and laugh at the cover art. At some point it became evident
that I was going to have to give up the goat and start writing for P-boi again, because
lord knows these guys were flailing in my absence. So, from my home office to yours, I
give you to Best of the Worst, the 20 Funniest Albums in Brandon Stroud's collection.
England Dan & John Ford Coley-"Some Things Don't Come
Easy"
Hey guys, did you know that at Shoney's, two can dine for 10.99? Jeff
Foxworthy sure does! And when he isn't educating the over-70 crowd about the values
thrifty casual dining experience, he's apparently cloning himself and shooting album
covers where he and said clone gaze at each other just so until we get creeped out. And
for those who aren't quite on the creeped train, there's always the back cover.
Nothing says "legitimate musical star" more than a posed Olan
Mills photo in satin pants. And look how sad the left Foxworthy looks. Like he's one of
the champion yo-yo squad from the Simpsons, and they're beckoning him to get back in the
van. Apparently being a redneck does extend to wearing Hanes sweatshirts dusted in
glitter. I did not know that.
Loverboy-"Lovin' Every Minute of It"
Speaking of clones, it's the poster for the film "Multiplicity"!
They all grew Eddie Van Halen mullets! Yaaaaaaaay. No but seriously. Like, I know Loverboy
was never a huge name, but they did have at least one hit, and were popular enough that
when I found their album in the pile I did my patented Emily Snort of Recognition,
followed by a Nelson laugh. So, if we've established that Loverboy was a popular enough
band, and not some indy garage release, it would also stand to reason that when taking the
picture we see here, there were actual professional photographers and costumer people
involved, yes? I mean, does Loverboy strike anyone as that dirty, I don't give a fuck, my
name is Slash and I'm gonna wear this hat for ten years and you can suck it types? No,
they're professional clean guys. So in this environment of professionalism, not even ONE
person thought to say, "hey guys, you. . . you do know that you've all got one stone
washed jeans and muscle tees, right? You're cool with that? Don't mind the matching?
All-all right, I'm just checking."
On another note, look at how the guys in the middle and on the far right are both sort of
giving the eye to MacGyver. Then again, I guess back then we were ALL giving the eye to
MacGyver, weren't we?
Lionel Richie-"Can't Slow Down"
Ah, see, it's nice to find a subdued normal album. Lionel's here, he's on
a chair, he wants to entertain me with his angelic R&B melodies. Let me just open the
album up and. . .
AHHHHHH!!! MECHA-RICHIE IS ANGERED AND WANTS TO
DESTROY ME WITH HIS GIANT GOAL POST!!
Actually, I'm pretty sure he was trying to pick up a violin but, because he can't slow
down, he hit the pole.
Pure Prairie League-"Firin' Up"
I'm not going to make fun of the Pure Prairie League. I'm not. This is one
of those groups, in the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band vein, that my parents listened to when I
was a little kid, and I tried my damnedest to make fun of, but seriously wound up loving.
Mr. and Mrs. Rowley were ALL ABOUT this band. To this day, every time my father sees Vince
Gill on TV, he points out that he loved him when he sang for this band. EVERY TIME. So no,
I'm not going to say anything bad about the band, or even the cover art by Norman
Rockwell's hippie cousin. I am, however, going to make a couple of observations.
1) Why is the gopher there, silently observing?
2) Maybe I'm losing it, but I'm pretty sure I see the face of God in the top of that
Cactus.
"The Wrestling Album"
Oh man, where do I start? Okay, first let's ask ourselves why the recording studio was
equipped with one of those hangy down ceiling microphones specifically for Howard Finkel.
Then, let's take note of the fact that Classy Freddie Blassie appears to have fallen
asleep. Then we'll wonder who the evil little elf man in the back is, and what exactly he
plans on doing to the junk yard dog. And yet, there's more! Open up the album and. . .
hey! Nikolai Volkoff is recording a song! How good of him to put on pants!
It really only gets better when you look at the track list. Not only is there a
performance of "Real American" not by the Hulkster, but by WINDHAM AND ROTUNDO,
there's also a Jimmy Hart song called, "Eat Your Hart Out, Rick Springfield,"
which to me sends a really confusing message both to the little kids buying this album,
but I'm guessing to Rick Springfield as well. Then to top things off there is a cover of
my favorite song in the whole world, "Land of a Thousand Dances," as performed
by "The Wrestlers." I haven't heard it yet, but I'm sure it puts the Wilson
Pickett version to shame. I mean, how many versions of this song include Hillbilly Jim?
Just one, my friend. Just one.
Various Artists-"Magic Moments"
In the sea of gimmick albums and 80's parent rock that is this list, it was a little
confusing to find a compilation that included such mellow mood makers as Crystal Gayle and
Peaches & Herb. Then B and I both realized that this was probably his parents' sex
album, and we both got really uncomfortable. And now I've shared this information with
you. Moving on.
Bruce Willis-"The Return of Bruno"
You know you're thinking it: Bruce Willis looks weird with hair. A must for any funny
vinyl list is the ill-advised, Eddie and the Cruisers-esque offering from the once and
future "Moonlighting" star. Now, if I were a Vh1 personality, and I would just
put on my best bitch face and say "WHO IS BRUNO?!!?" over and over in the most
condescending voice I can possibly use without actually offending anyone or saying
something funny. But I'm not on Vh1, so instead I'm going to make fun of his slouchy
socks. Turn over the album and you not only get Willis is this awesome Bo Bice pose, but
you're also forced to make peace with the knowledge that John McClane wears leg warmers.
The other truly awesome thing revealed here is that the album includes a cover of
"Secret Agent Man." Which I have to think is the equivalent of like, The
Commitments covering that song about how we won't have any legs in the year 2525.
Alvin and the Chipmunks-"Chipmunk Rock"
Nostalgia! I'm willing to bet that this is one of two albums that our entire 20-25
readership once owned or listening to. The other album of course being that Cookie Monster
album that featured a magic genie coming out of his toothpaste. So, since, I'm kind of at
a loss for jokes here, both due to a legitimate childhood love of this album, and also I
believe due to my longing for a delicious Hardee's thickburger (damn you Paris Hilton),
I'm just going to make you look at this picture over. . . .and over. . . and OVER. . . and
OVER . . . until you DIE!!!!!!!
Exile-"Kentucky Hearts"
This is another one of those times you've gotta turn the album over to
really get the comedy. 'Cause like, okay, the album is called "Kentucky Hearts"
and they're standing by a fence somewhere in Kentucky. Whatever. Generic. But then you
look at the back cover and WHOA HOA, THE CHEESE.
Like, okay, does anyone remember being a kid and deciding you wanted to be
a photographer, so you get everyone you know together and try to put them in this really
forced pose that's supposed to emulate like, I don't know, some picture you saw of the New
Kids on the Block in Tiger Beat? But then it's usually just you trying to convince your 4
year-old cousin to keep his arms crossed, 'cause he's supposed to be the bad boy? Really,
that was just me? Oh, okay. Yeah I never did that either.
Anyway, the point here is, WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE TWO GUYS IN THE BACK DOING? Like, the
photographer told them to just "be natural," so the guy with the mustache grabs
the guy in the beard and he's all like, "Hey Steve, STEVE. C'mere dude! This is our
chance to do Abbey Road. C'mon man, are you with me?" And Steve is all like, "I
don't know man, they might figure us out. I mean, there's a reason they always put us in
the back of these pictures." So then they decided to do it just enough that no one
would notice, but in twenty years they can look at the album and know they totally did
Abbey Road.
In other news, who let Ray Stevens into the band? And in still other news, who let my
mom's jeans onto the guy in the middle?
America-"History-America's Greatest Hits"
You've gotta love a band called America that prominently features Big Ben
on their greatest hits album. Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one? Also, I
truly had no idea that Gloria Steinem was in a rock band in 1975.
Joe Walsh-"The Best of Joe Walsh"
I refuse to believe that Joe Walsh ever produced another song aside from
that one about how awesome it is to be rich. The entire album, I'm convinced, was just a
clever ruse to get Joe out of the Eagles for a while so they could let the Rock and Roll
Indian sing more. I mean, the facts just don't match up. We've established that they've
taken his license and now he can't drive, but that car on the album cover is clearly not a
mazarati, nor do I believe that it goes 185. Maybe there's no actual songs on the album,
and it's just an old set prop from The Drew Carey Show.
Jackson Browne-"The Pretender"
Jackson, a boy genius with a special gift for pretending, was kidnapped
and held prisoner by a corporation that used him as a human simulator in their clandestine
research. Escaping from The Centre more than 30 years later, Jackson now searches for
clues to his true identity and family.
Clearly, on this album cover Jackson Browne is pretending to be Jon Voight in that scene
from "Midnight Cowboy."
On the back of the album is a Pablo Neruda poem and. . .oh hey, awesome, a picture of a
naked child.
I think it's great th. . . . wait. . um. . . okay, nevermind. I was going
to mention how cool it is that a well established wife beater like Jackson Browne loves
his son enough to put him on the album, but I got distracted. Everybody's talking at me,
but I can't hear a word they're saying.
Dan Fogelberg-"Captured Angel"
Along with the esteemed Mr. Browne, Dan Fogelberg is one of those
fail-safe Parent Artists. One of those people you couldn't care less about, barely even
know about, yet without exception you can find it in the record collection of your parents
and the parents of all your friends. See also: Linda Ronstadt and J.D. Souther. Of the
many Fogelberg albums in B's stash, this one was chosen specifically for it's cover art.
Which at first seemed like an easy thing to make jokes about, but now that I'm looking at
it, it's just kind of creeping me out. Like, doesn't it look like a drawing that Fogelberg
must've made in art class junior year, after getting dumped by Carly Simon? All she needs
is a dragon to ride around on, and you've got yourself a really kick ass tattoo.
For those of you who don't know who Dan Fogelberg is, you may also remember him from his
work in Almost Famous and Kissing a Fool.
Heart/Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
These two had to go together, because they're both really awful examples
of why transitioning into the '80's was so difficult for some many established acts. Like,
I grew up in the salons where my mother worked, and even I've never seen quite so much
misplaced blowdryer action. Check out the one on the left. I didn't know that Peter Murphy
was in Heart. Similarly, who knew Sigfried had enough time away from his dog and pony show
to join the Silver Bullet Band? I sure didn't, but that exquisite halo of cornsilk blonde
hair just doesn't lie.
Now let's move on to the centerpieces of each act. I'd like to start off by saying that
not only does Nancy Wilson look a lot like Kylie Minogue here, but she also has a
fantastic rack. On the other hand, try to wrap your mind around the sheer yardage of
fabric required to make Ann Wilson look like Fat Heart. At first I thought she had a
bustle, but that might actually just be her ass. I'm not sure, her dress is kind of art
deco.
Then there's Mr. Seger. I can't actually tell if he's snapping his fingers or having a
really fun "driving the car" mime session, but I can tell you that none of these
men should probably have ever been subjected to the amount of leather they've been
squeezed into. Not Seger, not Sigfried, not the drag king on the left, and certainly not
Kirk Hammett of Metallica.
John Fogerty-"Centerfield"
Quick, name a John Fogerty solo song. What'd you pick?
"Centerfield," right? Of course you did, it's the only solo song of his anyone
knows. Even the album knows it's place. You've got a barely visible baseball glove, and
"CENTERFIELD" in big letters. And yet, what does the little promo sticker in the
corner say? "Features the hit single: 'The Old Man Down the Road.'" Oh right, of
course. I don't remember the last time I was hanging out with some friends, cooking some
brats on the grill, throwing the ball around the diamond, and listening to "The Old
Man Down the Road." Or hey, remember that really awesome sports movie that used
"The Old Man Down the Road" to illustrate the protagonists' desire to be given a
chance to prove themselves? Of course you do!
If I ever become a filmmaker I'm so shooting a scene featuring an old man standing along
the side of the road while "Centerfield" plays. And no one will get the joke but
you guys. Awesome.
Andrew Gold-"All This and Heaven Too"
Okay, so the jokes pretty much write themselves here, but fun story. Can
anyone out there name off the top of their head the song of Andrew Gold's that is
immediately recognizable? Anyone? Okay, he's the guy who did "Thank You for Being a
Friend," AKA "The Golden Girls Theme." I actually managed to go like 21
years of my life not knowing that that particular song was actually a song. I just thought
of it as "The Golden Girls Theme." So one day, I'm working at TGI Fridays, and
this comes over the speakers. And I stop, dead in my tracks, and just stand there looking
around like a retard trying to figure out what dumbass covered THAT song. Then someone
explained to me that it was an actual hit from the '70's, and also that I'm an idiot.
Okay, not a fun story, but a story.
The real question here is the title. "All This and Heaven Too." All this? You
mean this vast infinite blackness in which you appear to be standing, plus the moon, AND a
top hat, AND heaven too. No, Andrew Gold, no. That's too much. It's fun to think of Andrew
Gold rotting desperately in purgatory while wearing the Wonderful Ice Cream Suit, though.
No doubt he's hanging out with the Rembrandts.
Huey Lewis and the News-"Sports"
Huey, Minkus from "Boy Meets World," Phoebe's brother Frank and
others hang out in a bar: News at 11. I don't know man, there's just something inherently
hilarious about Huey's giant head. Or maybe it's the fact that they pulled in the guy who
did the "Cheers" credits to draw their album cover. Or, okay, maybe this isn't
funny at all if you weren't around to hear four year-old Emily singing about how she
wanted a new truck. Or for that matter, 23 year-old Emily singing about how the heart of
rock and roll is FOR-BID-DEN. I'm an idiot.
Atlanta Rhythm Section-"Champagne Jam"
Someone didn't really think their drawing through hard enough. See, the
fish here, he's got a tail like a regular fish, but then he also has legs and Sideshow Bob
shoes. And then they throw in the tiny little fishies, I suppose to convince we
nonbelievers that the jammin' fish is actually under water, but yet he's holding his glass
of bubbly, undeterred by said surrounding water. And it's also important to know that the
stuff in the glass is he same as the stuff around the fish, which I guess means he's
actually swimming in a sea of champagne. So this is like, "The Incredible Mr.
Limpet" as performed by your drunk Uncle.
I really like to think this fucking album gave birth to the Billy Bigheaded Bass
phenomenon. Like, so guy is sitting at home in his trailer, drinking a Natty Light and
listening to some Atlanta Rhythm section, when suddenly it occurs to him how awesome it
would be if the fish were actually the one doing the singing. So he works the plans all
out in his head and takes it to some big toy corporation to pitch, and they love it. But
they think the Atlanta Rhythm Section might be too obscure for mass market appeal.
Nonetheless, the fish hits the market and is the smash of the holiday season. Meanwhile,
poor trailer man just sits at home, his dream of combining his love of ARS with is love of
novelty Christmas gifts as yet unfulfilled.
"The Kids from Fame Live!"
Okay okay okay, so this one is from my collection. Because I love
"Fame," with absolutely no irony. So I bought this album because of my love of
the movie, but who knew that so many future stars were in the live production? I mean,
obviously you have your Debbie Allen, who is so awesome that the previous owner of the
record felt it necessary to autograph her chest.
But then up in the top left corner is . . .why it's something the Lord
made! Mos Def! Then across from him on the right is everyone's favorite blind opera star,
Andrea Bocelli. He wasn't actually blind or cross-eyed at this point, he just had really
bad glaucoma. Then when you look at the image at the bottom, under all the featured
squares, not only are you looking at the absolute most gay photograph ever taken, but I'm
pretty sure the Queen in the argyle shirt right in the middle grew up to star in "New
York Undercover."
Now that you've read this, I challenge you all to seek out your own parents' collections.
I guarantee you that you'll find at least one Fogelberg or Jackson Browne album. Unless
you're like 16, and then you were probably conceived to Bel Biv Devoe or some shit.
. . .Actually, that'd be pretty funny too.
