Griff: Hey. Hey kid, c'mere.

Griff? I've told you, if you want to steal my lunch money, you have to do it before lunch.

Griff: Nah, nah man. I've got something for you. Something that'll really make you fly.

A high-top fade haircut?

Griff: Not that kind of fly. I mean fly, like a bird, man. Check this out.

Wow! It's... um.. Oh, what do they call it. No, no don't tell me. Uh... Gwen Stacy?

Griff: It's weed, dude.

That was my next guess. Seriously.

Griff: Man, you need this more than anyone else. Here. Take it.

I can't, Griff, I don't have the money for this.

Griff: Hey, first one's on me, man. Check it out and see how you like it.

[sirens in the distance]

Griff: Oh shit. On second thought, uh.. here. Take everything I have on me.

Oh now, Griff, this is just too much, I can't--

Griff: No, no, it's uh.. A going out of business sale! All stock must go! So.. there it goes!

But you're just giving it away!

Griff: That's why I went out of business! Gotta go!

Later that day...

Whew. Homework's finished, chores are done. Time to kick back and relax with some crack.

..Man, how do I use this stuff? Is this a rock? What the hell do I do with a rock? Maybe it's like a jawbreaker. And what's this? A pipe? My fucking grandpa smokes with pipes. This is the lamest shit ever. I'm never using drugs as long as I--

*PAWOW*

Put down the crack, Jimmy!

Holy shit, it's the top stars of all my favorite video games! ..And Aero the Acrobat!

Aero: Oh, hey, fuck you too kid.

But what are you all doing in my room?

Belmont: We're here to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life, Jimmy! I know you may think they're groovy now, but drugs are a one way ticket to loserville!

My name's Greg. And what are you talking about? I wasn't--

Link: Don't let them get a hold of your life, Jimmy! There's still time! That's why we're here, to show you that drugs are definitely not where it's at!

Listen, I wasn't even doing anything, I-- ..Just for future reference, where is "it," in fact, at?

Link: Doing your homework and going to church and having fun at camp!

Oh, right.

Belmont: Careful guys, he's beligerent. He may be on PCP even as we speak. He'll have the strength of ten small children.

Belmont: Hopefully it won't come to that, Marco. But I'm glad you've got my back. Sit down, Jimmy. Let me show you something.

My name is Greg.

Belmont: I've prepared a little slideshow presentation for you, Jim, to show you just where your life will be headed if you continue to huff aerosol cans. Samus, could you hit the lights? Thank you. Now at first, drugs are fun. They make you feel good. We all like to feel good, don't we? You like to feel good, don't you Jimmy?

Okay, I need you to take a couple of steps back if you're going to talk like that.

Belmont: But look... into your future!

Belmont: This is the true face of drug abuse, Jimmy. Do you really want to end up like this?

Belmont: A lowlife? A drifter?

Belmont: A parasite leeching off society, clinging to your next meager score as the only way to make you feel normal for a brief few moments? There's no future in that.

Belmont: You can't be successful if your life is focused entirely around getting high.

Belmont: You have to have a clear mind to succeed in this world, Jim. You can't do that with your mind addled by drugs.

Belmont: So, do you see now how important it is to stay clean?

Not really.

Belmont: Come on, Jimmy, you can drop the tough guy act. We're here to help you!

Goddammit, I've never even taken drugs before!

Belmont: He's still in denial. We better move on to the next stage. ... Heh, that's kind of a pun, isn't it?

Aero: What is?

Belmont: Next stage.

Aero: It is?

Belmont: Well, y'know, we're video game guys, and I said we should move on to, y'know..

Aero: ..Ohhh, oh.

Belmont: You get it, right?

Aero: I get it.

Belmont: The next stage.

Aero: Yeah.

Belmont: It's funny, right?

Aero: Not so much.

Belmont: ...Well I thought it was funny. Y'know, because we--

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Belmont: Ah, see? Aggressive tendencies. You're doped up. Well we're going to send you to see some guys who are no dopes when it comes to dope.

Uggggghh.

Belmont: They'll tell you all about getting a natural high. We're sending you to see..

Belmont: The Video Game Power Team!

Guile: That's right, Billy, all of your favorite fighting game characters have decided to put aside their differences today for a good cause: stopping you from injecting heroin into your eyeballs.

My name's Greg.

Guile: Look at us, Billy. All highly trained athletes in top physical condition. All perfectly crafted examples of the peak of human form. All.. Honda, could you move to the side for this one? You're kind of ruining the effect.

Chun-Li: He can't move to the side, the park will tip over.

E. Honda: Big talk from man legs over here.

Chun Li: You want to say that a little closer to my face? Oh wait, you can't unless I climb over Mount Lardfuck in front of you.

E. Honda: You only wish you had the presence of a sumo master, little girl.

Chun Li: You're right, I am jealous. You've got bigger tits than me.

E. Honda: That's okay, we're still even because you've got a bigger dick than me.

Chun Li: How would you know? It would take a fleet of earth moving equipment five days to find yours.

E. Honda: Eearrrgh!

Chun Li: Hiiyahh!

Guile: Guys.. Can we please.. Guys... Dammit. SONIC BOOM!

Guile: Okay, now, where was I. *cough* By the way, you know--

Blob: Gross, I can see the fat guy's panties.

Guile: You know, the next part of this little speech was supposed to be about working together. I'll have to skip that part now. I hope you all realize that. *ahem* Anyway kid, we didn't get where we are today by using drugs. All of our achievements came the old fashioned way: Through dedication and hard work. Now..

Wait, wait, what? TJ Combo got kicked out of the boxing circuit for using cybernetic arms.

Guile: ..Well, yeah, but he's the exception. The rest of us--

Cyrax is a robot.

Guile: Alright, we won't count him, but what I was trying--

Glacius is an alien. Wolverine is a mutant. Sauron is a dinosaur. Blob is a.. blob.

Guile: Fine. Forget it then. Have it your way. We all suck. Don't look up to any of us.

Fine, I won't.

.....

Johnny Cage: You can still look up to me if you want.

Guile: Look, the point of all this was just to show you don't need drugs to be successful, okay? Christ. Let's just move on to the clinic.

Clinic?

Guile: Yes. Since you're not interested in what can be done without drugs, we'll show you what happens with drugs.

Guile: This is one of the leading rehab centers for video game characters. Within these walls are people who had it all, and lost everything because of their addictions.

It looks a little rustic to be a rehab clinic.

Guile: It used to be a bed and breakfast.

Ah.

Doctor: Hi, everybody!

All: Hi, Dr. Mario!

Mario: These are-a just the private quarters for-a our clients. We like-a to make the patient feel at home. I assure you our-a treatment facilities are state of the art.

I WILL CUT THE EVIL OUT OF YOU

Mario: So-a Bobby, I hear-a you've been shootin'-a the krank.

Yeah, I sure have.

Mario: Look-a around. Do you really-a want to end up here?

I dunno, is the fireplace guaranteed?

Mario: Every-a day I see people-a like you, broken, crawling, like-a the koopa without-a the shell. Take-a poor Bubsy here; got-a too caught up in his own-a success. Now-a his career, it is over, and he must stay here until-a he's better.

Bubsy: H.. Hey... You.. you got any catnip, man? I just... I just need a little taste...

Heh, aw.

Mario: Why-a you laugh?

Well, he's a cat, so his "addiction" is catnip. That's kinda cute.

Mario: No-a, no, that's just-a the slang. He's addicted to smack.

..Oh.

Bubsy: I.. I can suck your dick, man.. just need a little nip..

Um..

Mario: Tsk, Bubsy, now-a you know better.

Mario: Okay, let's-a go.

So, uh.. tell me Doc. Is Sonic the Hedgehog here too? I mean, from what I heard.. *snigger* He's addicted to speed, right?

Mario: ...

..What?

Guile: Uh.. Sonic and Tails had a little.. spat a couple months ago. Sonic got all riled up and stormed out of the house. He went out and got drunk and decided to go blow some cash at the Casino Night Zone.

...And?

Guile: They, uh.. They said he was going about 110 when he hit the spikes. ..There was nothing left.

What? That's impossible. I've seen him since then.

Mario: No-a, they just take-a the Knuckles and put his hair up and-a paint him blue. You really can't-a tell.

Wow, I had no idea. Amy must be inconsolable.

Guile: Amy? What is he talking about? I don't -- Oh! Right! Ahem.. Amy. Ah.. Yeah, oh, she's all torn up. About Sonic. Because he was her.. um..

Mario: Boyfriend.

Guile: Right. Boyfriend.

....

Guile: Oh hey, look at that! It's two of the clinic's spokesmen, they recently did a run of PSAs for the organization. I'll bet they've got lots of interesting things to tell you. So, you listen to them, and we'll be.. over here. In the lounge.

(can you believe the kid's that dense?)

(ooh, christ-a i need-a the mushroom)

Um... Hi.

Claude: ...

Crono: ...

..Huh?

Claude: ...

Crono: ...

What? I don't..

Claude: ...

Crono: ...

Er..

Claude: ...

Crono: ...

....Well, that's what I said.

Voice: The kid looks lost, the contorted expression of confusion on his face reading like a road map to nowhere. I'll help him out.

Who's there? Someone with a tongue? Hello?

Max Payne: My name's Payne. What my friends here are trying to teach you is that drugs are a masked killer; a dark-eyed stranger on a cold night offering shelter to the weary, trading fleeting warmth for another neck to his blade. A poison fruit digging dark thorns into the weak flesh of the misguided. A bitter winter wind that numbs the senses before freezing the blood. A big.. uh.. dog.. that--

It's okay, I get it.

Payne: Oh, good. A drug called "V" was a part of a government plot that left my wife and child dead. It took everything I held dear away from me. I can still hear their screams when I try to sleep at night, afterimages of a past life that spark and fade when I try to close my eyes. This is why it's so important to me that kids like you learn the dangers of these substances.

Y'know, I had always heard that you actually killed your family in a drug-induced rampage and that all your sprees of revenge through the criminal underworld were just psychotic hallucinations of a diseased and broken mind constructing an elaborate fantasy to escape the soul-wrenching guilt that came with dawning realization of what you had done.

Payne: ...

Payne: Aw, man. Seriously?

Not really. It was just something I read on GameFAQs one day.

Payne: I gotta sit down.

Look, I said it's probably not true, you just--

Payne: Man. This is heavy.

..So, uh, I'll just let myself out, then?

Payne: Yeah, okay... No, wait. I have a note here from Guile.

Payne: It says if you've admitted your addiction to drugs.. Have you admitted your addiction to drugs?

..Yes. Yes I certainly have.

Payne: Then it says here I'm supposed to put you in rehab.

..Oh, drugs. I thought you said my addiction to hugs. That's totally different.

Payne: Can I have one?

I'm trying to cut back, sorry.

Payne: Okay, it says if you're still in denial, I'm supposed to send you to the PFS. So.. there you go, I guess.

Alright, once more into the breach... Max, Jesus, I wasn't being serious about the murder thing. Lighten up.

Payne: ...

*sigh*

Al: Heya, Timmy.

My name's Greg.

Al: My name's Big Al. Welcome to the Pilotwings Flight School, where people are trained to fly planes, jetpacks, and hang gliders, and rescue UN hostages from guerilla-controlled jungles in a pinch. Now, I hear from my friend Shatter Hand that you're hooked on the juice.

Yes, he was truly one of the greatest running backs the sport has ever had.

Al: Well, since just talking about it apparently hasn't work with you, we've prepared a little demonstration out here on the testing grounds that'll show you just where you've gone wrong. Come with me.

Al: See up there? That's one of our best jumpers. His name is Joe. He's agreed to help us out with a little real world example of the dangers you'll be facing. *czzrrk* Joe, do you read me?

"I read you loud and clear."

Al: That's great, Joe. See, Timmy, Joe is like you. And that helicopter is like drugs. Sure, at first, they lift you up higher than you ever thought you could go. But the ride can't last forever, Tim.

Al: Soon enough, you aren't going up any more. They're not making you feel like you used to. And thus you begin your terrible plummet.

*czzrrk* "Uh, there seems to be a problem, Al."

Al: What's that?

"I just pulled the ripcord, and there's no parachute. None. A banner just flew out of my pack that says... 'Don't do drugs, Timmy'? What the hell?"

Al: Better try the safety cord.

"I just did! Another banner flew out that just said 'Please'! What the fuck is this, Al?"

Al: Hey, listen Joe, this is the terrible descent of drug use, not the short descent and then gentle glide to the ground of drug use. You want this kid off blow or not?

"WHAT? I'm gonna die, you asshole!"

Al: Ah.. roger that. Better pay close attention, Tim, I don't think we're going to have the repeat performance we had scheduled.

"Oh Jesus.. Oh sweet Jesus.."

Al: Ah, now, see how he's taken off his jacket in a vain attempt at a make-shift parachute? That's the kind of desperation you'll be feeling when you're on drugs. And yes, see his hands? Now he's praying, crying out, racked with sobs over past wrongs gone unmended.. Very typical junkie behavior.

"Oh God, this is it... Tell my wife I love he--UDDDGGHHH!"

....

Al: ..Tell my wife I love head? *czzrrk* Hey, join the club, buddy, that doesn't mean those should be your last words to your loved ones. Dick.

Al: Okay, well Timmy, have you learned an important lesson today?

Yeah, stay the fuck away from you.

...

Crewman: Oh sick, he shat himself before he landed!

Al: ..And?

*sigh* And stay off crack.

Al: There you go. Now get outta here.

Belmont: Well Jimmy, have we finally broken you of your reliance on chemical substances?

Actually, I think I'll require years of medication just to get over this whole experience.

Belmont: Dammit, I thought we had you. Looks like we'll need to come up with yet another speaker...

Oh, please, no.

Belmont: Wait! I've got it! Of course, it's so obvious, why didn't I think of it! Pack your bags, Timmy--

Oh come on, that's not even the same name you used two lines ago.

Belmont: --we're taking you to the big city!

...Hello? Is anyone here? Um.. Can we get this started? ..I'm not a druggie. I'd just like to go home..

*screeech*

What the--

Max Force: HALT. DRUG USER. SURRENDER ALL DRUG PARAPHENALIA. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

No, no you don't understand, I--

Max Force: YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

I told you, I don't have any drug para..whatever. I don't--

Max Force: YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Look, I'll even get down on the ground and put my hands above my head, you can search--

Max Force: YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Just check my damned pockets, I don't have any--

Max Force: PSYCHOTIC SUSPECT. HE'S A DANGER TO SOCIETY. OPEN FIRE.

Max Force: ..I SAW THAT FINGER MOVE.

Hitman: I DID TOO. IT MIGHT REACH FOR CRACK. TAKE IT DOWN.

Max Force: TARGET ELIMINATED. THIS TRASHED CORNER OF THE PROJECTS IS SAFE FOR CHILDREN.

Hitman: GOOD WORK.

.

.

.

.

.

Hitman: SO YOU WANNA GO GET HAMMERED?

Max Force: YEAH, OKAY.

bill
basherlemming@gmail.com