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P-Boi's Valentine Card Spectacular
written by Bill, B, Mike & Jon on February 8,
2005
Hey kids! Once again, Valentine's Day is upon us, and you know what that means. It's time to let that little sweety in the third row you spotted during show and tell know exactly how you feel about her. You tried throwing a kickball at her during recess, but in between the shrill cries you could definitely sense the message: "You'll have to do better than that, bucko; Johnny already threw me in the dirt and he has his own bike." You're in the big leagues now, and you've got to do something to really knock it out of the park. But how?
Why, with poorly-written prepackaged sentiment! Stores across America are flooded with hundreds of kinds of Valentine card packs, most of them based on some sort of licensed product. You've never been able to find the words, but maybe with the help of the Mario brothers and the Noid you finally can. Be sure to pick the one that fits you best, then fold it up with care and put it in her heart-shaped box. "Polly," perhaps you'll say, "I want you to come as you are and rape me. We're in bloom, and I want us to breed. These may just be territorial pissings, and you make think I'm dumb, but I want to drain you. Preferably on a plain. I'd go on, but I don't want to milk it."
On second thought, that's a really creepy message, don't do that. Just stay away. Or else Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle.
In any event, we've created our own special box of licensed cards for you to hand out on Valentine's. Just load up this webpage and cut the cards you like out of the monitor. You may want to wrap the cards in bubble wrap so the jagged glass shards aren't damaged on the bumpy bus ride to school. Enjoy!
