It's Our Time Down
Here
It's all over the second we ride up
Troy's bucket.
written by Emily f/ B and
Missy Elliot
(A note from Emily: Hey guys, what's up? Not
much here. A/S/L? NEways, I went to see Troy the other day, so I was gonna
write a review about it. I asked B to write an introduction, and he just never
stopped typing. He's actually still typing somewhere in the world, three years
later. I'll be back at the end of the post to give you some final thoughts TTYL!)
Troy is, evidently, the story of a group of almost naked men riding in boats
until they get to Great Britain, where they then run at each other, jump, and
then one of them gets stabbed. Unfortunately it takes three hours for all of
the men to be stabbed, because sometimes the points on their spears hit the
other guy's shield, and then it goes CHING really loud, and nobody gets
stabbed. There is a love story behind the running and jumping and stabbing, but
it's kind of overwrought and nobody can really take Orlando Bloom seriously when
he's talking about wanting to get with a chick. Chances are he'd "quiver" at
the opportunity to shoot his "arrowhead" into Eric Bana's "bull's eye."
Meanwhile, Brad Pitt is trying to keep his space monkies from falling out from
under his leather skirt, all the while saying things like CAHNT. The
combination of battlefields full of men almost showing teste and all this talk
about CAHNT leaves Troy less an action-adventure epic and more a sex education
film from some perverse seventies health class as seen through one of the Coen
Brothers' yellow screen filters.
Everything in Troy is either brown or yellow. It's like I'm watching a scat
film. Or something about Golden Showers. Do you think Ronald McDonald takes
Golden Showers? And for that matter, do you think that when Ronald McDonald is
taking a Golden Shower the Hamburglar shows up and tries to steal his soap? I
would imagine that Ronald, being the burger-magnate that he is, would have
burger-shaped soap, and given the Hamburglar's tendency for jibberish, I'd wager
that the culinary ex-con couldn't tell the difference.
Troy sadly reveals itself as bored CGI over quality in it's trailer. Blues
singers and Christian ladies tell me not to judge a book by it's cover, but when
a trailer features the Spartan-equivalent of KILL THEM ALL in the trailer,
followed by DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN and then a couple of slower DUNNN
DUNNN DUNNNN DUNNNN and then somebody going NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo it's hard to
not have preconceived notions of badness. All they needed to keep me away from
the film forever is to have two characters kissing followed by one overdub
saying I WILL FIND YOU in sincere voice. Emily tells me that this trailer
actually DID have something similar, where one character says WE WILL BE
TOGETHER, IN THIS WORLD OR THE NEXT. But when I hear this specific phrasing I
think about how cool it would be they made a sequel to Troy where Paris and
Helen end up together as cats. And that would give Don Bluth something to do.
Because God forbid I bring a child into the world where Don Bluth isn't
somewhere making Burt Reynolds pretend like he's a really eager dog, or foreign
rodent, or some shit.
I'm on the Internet a lot these days, not so much for the same reasons as you'd
expect from a twenty-something. I don't have extensive knowledge of LAN parties
or Half-Life or Deus Ex or Age of Empires or whatever. Hell, when I first heard
about Linux I thought it was a mutant Peanut. You know, like George Washington
Carver's Peanut on "Clone High." What I'm actually doing with my time online is
using six days and twenty-two hours to look at wrestling newsboards. The other
two hours I use to crank out some retread bullcorn about how Jessica Simpson's
husband is more like Nick LaGAY. I found out on one of the wrestling newsboards
that the COLOSSUS OF BOGGO ROAD, Nathan Jones, Australian hoss of awkward
gravity, played LARGE GREEK GUY #556 in Troy.
I though to myself, WHOA GUY WOAH, Nathan Jones is in Troy. I should go see
that. Then I remembered that I couldn't even watching Jones fake fight against
Chris Benoit, and I'm such a wrestling goon that I could watch Chris Benoit
wrestle, like, I don't know, Frankie from the Real World San Diego and get a
kick out of it. So then I decided to use my basic cognizance as a human being
to avoid things that cause my pain. Then I walked into the kitchen and put my
hand in the burner. In retrospect I guess watching Benoit fuck up Frankie in
the Sharpshooter would be an incredibly entertaining episode of Raw, even if the
footage was interspersed with shots of Frankie moaning about how "DAVE would be
SO MUCH IN PAIN LIKE if he caught me with my legs wrapped around another guy's
legs, and GOD you know, it's just that this world is such BULLSHIT you know, and
I wouldn't want to cause Dave any more pain that he deOH GOD I DROPPED A TROWEL
INTO MY THIGH WAIT SUDDENLY THE PAIN IS PHYSICAL hey look Hello Kitty."
Troy is an awesome movie. Hi, my name is AVERAGE INTERNET FORUM CONTRIBUTOR. I
am eagerly anticipating all movies released in the Summer, because it is the
only time I can tell somebody that I really enjoyed a shitty ass fucking movie
and they have no way to make me feel bad about it. For example: I went to see
Titan A.E. at the theater, and nothing gets my rocks off like watching badly
animated Don Bluth characters looking like colorform stickies over a plastic
spaceship background fly around obstacles in space for two hours. I brought
this up with my girlfriend and she made Lizze Maguire doody-face and said "You
liked Titan AE? What the hell is your problem?" I was all like, you are just
an elitist who can't turn your brain off and enjoy a movie for no reason. She
was all, "Yeah, enjoying a movie for no reason is something I strive for." So I
dumped her. Then I turned my brain off and collapsed on the living room floor.
So yeah, I liked the HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE (wrestling joke lol) out of Troy.
It was a SLOBBERKNOCKER (another wrestling joke lol) of a GREEK MYTHOLOGICAL
EPIC MOVIE STARRING BRAD PITT AND ORLANDO BLOOM AND LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. Nothing
makes me feel more vindicated for spending upwards of ten dollars for admission
to a bad movie like watching a formerly good and respected actor ham it up with
one of Teen People's 25 Hottest Hottie Hot Hotts under 25. Did you ever see
Planet of the Apes? There was that one part where Charlton Heston played an old
monkey, and he was lying in the bed talking about gun control and how he wanted
to KILL THEM ALLLL. It really made the science fiction come full circle, and
prepared me for the high-octane thrill ride and also for Tim Burton's film
ending twist of having the Eiffel Tower look like a big monkey.
How would I rate Troy? BRAD PITT. ORLANDO BLOOM. ERIC BANA. PETER O'A
PERFECT CIRCLE. Seems like FOUR STARS TO ME!!!!!!!
wait, no I would rate troy as two stars out of four.\par
But I'm not going to explain myself at all! Here is a story about the day I
went to see Troy, in the style of my mentor Harry Knowles.
HI SPORTS FANS. Harry here. Remember when you were a child and you and your
father went to see Troy? I remember sitting in the fourth row eating chocolate
covered babies as my father reminisced about the time he and his father went to
see Troy. Their version wasn't as good because Brad Pitt was like negative
forty years old and was just this undeveloped mass of scar tissue, and it's not
quite as sexy to see the ass of a mass. Which is why I could never be gay! LOL
smiley face :)\par
Back to my story about my entire family tree going to see Troy at the same
time. Troy reminds me one let's say one Greek thing I kind of liked as a child,
so that means that I have to love love love it and if you do not love it you do
not love movies. Did you see Van Helsing? I love monster movies, and even
though this is kinda like watching a Prodigy video that is two and a half hours
long you are the scum of the Earth if you didn't like it. How could you not
like it? I LOVE MONSTER MOVIES! Did you see Donnie Darko? When I was a child
I wanted to have sex with Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze wants to have sex with
children in Donnie Darko! HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE IT I LOVE MONSTER MOVIES!\par
So how would I rate Troy? It stars sexiphonic "Friends" star hubby Brad Pitt!
THE FIRST RULE OF TROY IS THAT YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT TROY! THE SECOND RULE OF
TROY IS ACTUALLY QUITE SIMILAR TO THE FIRST, IN AS MUCH AS WE STILL FROWN UPON
TALK REGARDING TROY. The third rule of Troy is if you are riding on a boat, you
must have long hair so it can flop around in the breeze, despite the fact that
you were supposed to be from Greece and you'd probably have nappy hair like Rick
James. THE FOURTH RULE OF TROY IS I'M RICK JAMES BITCH.\par
Also PETER O'THAT GROSS VIDEO WHERE THE ARTIST MODEL FINDS MEAT IN A PIPE! \par
Who was my favorite character in Troy? It's hard to say. I loved all of the
characters in Troy! I like every movie I see in the theater! Hi, I'm Emily!
DOOYYYYYYY\par
My favorite character in Troy was "Paris," because I think he is a lot prettier
than his brother Nikki. I wish Paris had a last name in this movie, because I
read a lot of Men's magazines like FHM or Stuff or Junx, and I think it would be
hilarious to refer to the Hilton sisters as PARIS AND NIKKI BEST WESTERN, or
PARIS AND NIKKI RAMADA, or even maybe PARIS AND HILTON COMFORT INN, because we
sure do know for sure that it is COMFORTABLE INN PARIS!!!!! Here is a funny
picture taken from the PARIS A CHARACTER IN TROY AND HELEN A CHARACTER IN TROY
SEX TAPE!!!!
So how would I rate Troy? You know what would be funny? If you met an exotic
dancer with her foot glued to the back of her head and she was called the MOBIUS
STRIP.
Progressive Boink writer Jon writes,
BASEBALL LOL
Oh, shit, you know who else is in this movie? Star of THE INCREDIBLE HULK, Eric
Bana! He plays the part of Hector. YOU WOULDNT LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S HECTOR!
Because he is bad at acting! Here is a fun fact about Troy: Actor Eric Bana
calls the continent of AUSTRALIA home! You know who else in the cast of Troy
calls Australia home? WHY NONE OTHER THAN THE COLOSSUS OF BOGGO ROAD NATHAN
JONES! What, you were expecting another joke? It's a fun fact.
Emily cannot wait for the inevitable feedback for this thread when someone
states that they want whatever I was smoking when I wrote this. I WAS SMOKING
GOOD MARIJUANA. VERY GOOD MARIJUANA. It affected me to the point where my
writing got all CRAZY. AND THEN I ATE CHEETOS. The crunchy kind, not the big
puffy kind that suck. THAT SUCK. Cheech and Chong more like Cheech and BONG.
More like ROACH AND BONG. MORE LIKE BONG. weed omg
So how would I rate Troy? I would rate it using a large scale! Did Peter
O'Toole's Time on screen make me like the movie any less? I DON'T THINK SO
TIM! I'm going to go in the backyard and ask my neighbor how to resolve this
conflict with my wife because I don't have the basic human decency to make
decisions for myself. Honey, I realize that I did something bad to you, and if
you would ever forgive me I would WHOOPS HEAD STUCK TO A BOARD.
I paid attention in history class and then again anthropology so I know that the
Greek's often took part in the homosexual act of "Eros." If Troy had been
released in the theaters a few years ago I would've picketed it, because my God
tells me that homosexuality is a sin. You know what would've been funny? If I
had bulit a big wooden horse, and then hid inside of it with all of my friends
holding signs that GOD HATES FAGS or ELLEN DEGENERATE or ELLEN DEGENERATION X
SUCK IT, and I would've had the horse wheeled to the premiere of Troy, and Ryan
Seacrest or Maria Menudos would've said WOW LOOK A BIG HORSE TO CELEBRATE THE
RELEASE OF TROY! And then my friends and I would leap out when they least
expect it and begin walking in circles holding signs! And then we would begin
kissing. I gently touched my forehead to Spike's quivering muscle as I
unbuckled his pants. "Sod off!" said the souled vampire as he struggled to keep
me from his chilled loins. "Ssshhh! Quiet Spike!" said amBrosia, which is the
fan fiction character based on me but with a slightly different name, as we
began our torrid descent into lustful madness HEY HAT THE FUCK THEY WHEELED US
TO THE BUFFY FANFICTION SITE. Who's in charge of giant horse wheeling around
here??
You know who else is in this movie? Brian Cox. COCKS. lol Maybe should've
concentrated less on his acting ability and more on stopping maybe like one
freaknig pass when he played for the Miami Dolphins. And then maybe Hootie
wouldn't be crying all the damn time, and his girlfriend wouldn't consider him
emasculated.\par
So how would I rate Troy? Progressive Boink writer Justin writes,
So how would I rate Troy? IT IS A MOVIE RELEASED IN THE SUMMER! You don't have
to use GRECIAN FORMULA to enjoy this film! In fact, when you see the opening
sequence it might take your breath away, but the movie is only SPARTAN! You'll
leave the theater saying THIS MOVIE KICKS ATHENS!
So how would I ra
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Thank you B.
Dear Progressive Boink:
It's been really fun sitting by you in science class this year. I'm sorry we didn't get to know each other better. Oh well. There's always Miss McCallister's class next year. That outta be fun lol yeah right. Well,anyway I hope you have a good summer. I think you're a really great person. Gimme a call sometime. You can get my number from Heather.
~LYLAS~
Emily
PS Here are some images from the hit motion picture Troy
