March 31st, 1999
Hollywood is a magical, enchanting place, where entertainment legends live down the street, the sidewalks are carved with the names of our fore-fathers, and there's a drunken screen-writer on every corner. Why, imagine. You could be strolling down the street on the way to Andy Griffith's house, and as soon as you stop to check out Kermit the Frog's star on the walk of fame, BAM! You're pelted in the chest by a haggard, unshaven yuppie who begs you to read his "better" script for the new Star Wars movies. It turns out in this version that Anakin is a bisexual cowboy who fights zombies with a chainsaw. WHOA! That'd be sweet! Where's my notebook, I need to write these things down...
With such a wonderful town, you'd figure that true love would abound, right? The answer is yes and no. No, if your idea of true love is a long, healthy, productive relationship with the person of your dreams, struggling sometimes, but always overcoming adversity and sitting down at the end of the day with a bowl of macaroni and cheese to watch "Friends." Yes, if your idea of true love is having a transvestite tell you to "talk to the palm." Now I'm not about to go judging other people's lifestyles, but people who practice alternative lifestyles are just plain dumb. American reader, what would you rather do...paint your nails, or eat macaroni and cheese? I think the answer is simple. Besides, you'd never catch tough guys like Bruce Willis and Tom Selleck kissing guys. No siree, Bob.
This lack of true love in Hollywood means that "Hollywood Marriages" (meaning "the blessed union of two famous people who now have the right to punch cameramen and stroll around on nude beaches") rarely work. Elizabeth Taylor has married most of Hollywood, and divorced them all. Mariah Carey and that head of Sony Entertainment guy got divorced, either because of "emotional problems," or Mariah realized that she's already rich as Hell. Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were married, but things just couldn't be worked out. The two DID have a child though, who defied all the odds and now plays the antagonist to Drew Carey.
But one marriage stands above all. One partner is a celebrated actress, who speaks with about six different accents and, in her spare time, gets her swerve on during a Broadway show, whether she's in it or not. The other is a celebrated actor, who's memorable performance in "Top Gun" makes me forget how bad "Interview with a Vampire" was. They might be gay, they might be 90% synthetic, but Cruise and Kidman's marriage has lasted much longer than anyone could've imagined.
But, alas, even paradise, subsequently, is lost.
 |
VS. |  |
| TOM CRUISE | KIDMAN |
::sigh:: What the world needs now, is love. Sweet love. And more waterslides.
MOVES
We'll start off with an obvious observation that I, hopefully, won't have to make again. Kidman is a wrestler. Therefore, he's more athletically sound, has more endurance, and wears a nifty tanktop to hide his shame. Tom Cruise, although in decent to very good shape (depending on the movie you watch), has always come across as the kind of guy who'd run his mouth in the parking lot and then drive off in his BMW while his friends pound your head into the concrete. Tom has, however, achieved many memorable moves in his life. We all wished we were him when he strolled up to Kelly McGillis in "Top Gun" and sang "Baby Got Back" to her in the bar. And then there was the move he used on those bastard Migs, where he hit the brakes and then made them explode when they passed. Oh, and then there was the move he used on Goose, where he ejected him right into the roof and broke his head open. Could I find a picture of Goose with his head busted open? No.
 |
I can hear Tony bellowing "SIDEWALK SLAM!" right now. Kidman has some of the coolest moves in wrestling. Most of them involve him hurling himself or his opponent into the air, striking a pose reminiscent of a Todd McFarlane splash page, and then driving some random body part into the mat. His style is reminiscent of great high-flyers around the world, such as Hayabusa, Great Sasuke, and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Kidman's finisher of choice is the Shooting Star Press, the Finisher Formerly Known as the Seven Year Itch. Kidman does a full inverted 270 spin from the top rope and nails the splash. I remember seeing Marvelous Johnny B. Wildman Marc Mero debut this move in the WWF, and thought, "WOW! What a great move! I wish somebody who didn't suck ape-crotch would use it!" My wishes were granted.
ADVANTAGE: Kidman
ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES
This is where the fun comes in. Tom Cruise and Kidman are no slouches when it comes to winning the support of women nationwide. Kidman has his neo-slacker/jock mentality down to an artform. I remember attending a Thunder show in my area and, in the nosebleed seats, hearing the teenage girls in the front row defecate themselves as Kidman walked by. Tom Cruise uses a more subtle method than presence. He appears in his underwear whenever anyone can see him. In Risky Business he slid out into the hallway in his underwear. In Far and Away, he barely managed to cover up his schlong long enough to develop plot. In Top Gun he's in his undies, in Jerry Magurie he's in his undies, the man is NOT an advocate of pants wearing. I remember watching the Tonight Show and seeing the look on Leno's face when Tom Cruise just whipped off his trousers in mid-interview. But alternate personalities? Of course. Let's start with Kidman.
 |
BK's first run in the WCW was less than memorable. He was a sissy in monochrome pants who'd pump his fists when he was excited. Here we see him showing the world how many matches he won in his first two years in the sport. Kidman was regulated to jobbing to Beautiful Bobby on WCW {Pro} until that fateful day when, without explanation, he stopped taking showers.
 |
Itchy Kidman was born. And this is something I've never figured out. Everybody essentially hated the Flock, right? Kidman went from hanging out with Jim Powers and Renegade to hanging out with Reese and Sick Boy. Not much of an improvement, right? He was ugly in the ring, had greasy hair, bad hygeine, and repeatedly scratched himself in public. He looked like Courtney Love's little brother. But all of a sudden, even though he consistantly lost, he was popular. Who knows. Maybe chicks dig the "I live in the basement and play Dungeons and Dragons" look. Saturn smacked the bitch up one day and told him that he was the most talented cruiserweight in WCW, and that he needed to start bathing again. Saturn also told him to wear eyeshadow and dress up like Bo-Peep, but thankfully that angle was dropped. Kidman took a shower and instantly made his way into our hearts...
 |
...as the host of Blues Clues on Nickelodeon. His intelligence actually DROPPED from Flock Level, though. It was almost impossible to face him in the ring. The most memorable match-up was one against Super Calo, in which Calo showed Billy the contract and began to punch him repeatedly in the face. Kidman had NO idea what was going on. It was only until a young boy in the front row shouted out "RING!" that Kidman figured out that the thuggish ruggish luchador wanted to have a wrestling match. Kidman wrote down the clues in his handy-dandy notebook, and has been a star ever since.
 |
Tom Cruise's most memorable role is that of Maverick, an escapee from the Weapon X program who flies planes, hates Val Kilmer, and kills Anthony Edwards. "Top Gun" is one of my all-time favorite movies. Not because of the intense action sequences, the breath-taking visuals, or the epic granduer of a young man's quest to live up to the memory of his father. I love it because nothing gives me a bigger rush than cranking Kenny Loggins and running really fast! Kick off your Sunday shoes! Everybody cut, everybody cut!
Chicks dig me, what can I say.
 |
"I LOOOOOOOVE BLACK PEEEOPLEEEE!!!!!!"
 |
The role that made Tom Cruise a superstar though was the role of an archeologist who collects rare artifacts and is afraid of snakes! The Indiana Jones franchise is as popular as ever, but it is in "Temple of Doom" that Tom loses this category. It is in "Temple" that the hero learns to run away from Nazi's and giant balls. Kidman has Indiana Jones defeated on both accounts. He has defeated Alex Wright.
ADVANTAGE: Kidman
BUDDIES
The buddies category is very important. Buddies are the people who watch your back and give you the moral support you need to go the extra mile for victory. And, since Kidman wrestles in the WCW, the buddies are the people who are going to do a run-in and ruin the end of your great match. That is, if Tony hasn't gone to commercial. Tom Cruise's most notable buddy was Goose, but we all know about Goose's head and it's reaction to being thrust into the cockpit roof at 80 billion miles per hour. Tom Cruise's SECOND most notable buddy is Cuba Gooding, Jr., who has been in several films and whored himself out to Pepsi. But we all know that the only reason he's famous is because his little brother Omar hosted "Wild and Crazy Kids."
 |
 |
Kidman's best buddy nowadays IS a wild and crazy kid, Rey Mysterio Jr. Don't you ever wonder what happened to the WCW Booking Committee's (Nash and Page's) common sense? Here's my problem. You know all the high-flying and lucha-madness that fills cruiserweight matches these days? About 90% of the credit for that belongs to Rey Jr., who, since he was 14, has been busting his burro to revolutionize the sport. He's been voted pound-for-pound the best wrestler in the world more than anyone, and has achieved legendary status before his mid-twenties. But he wore a mask, so WCW punked him down and made him lose to people like Juvy. THEN...THEN they come up with the bright idea that he'd be a better wrestler without his mask or something, and deal him the ultimate shame. THEN...even though Rey Jr. has revolutionized the sport and all that fun stuff, AFTER they take his mask off and make him into Konnan's skinny little brother...he gets wins over Kevin Nash, Scott FREAKING Norton, Bam Bam Bigelow, wins the Cruiserweight Title from Kidman, beats Ric Flair and SHOULD'VE become the WORLD CHAMPION, and then beats Malenko and Benoit for the Tag Team Titles!!! What the HELL?? I love Rey Jr. to pieces, but let's have some realism folks. You don't struggle to beat El Dandy one week and then beat the Nature Boy down the next. ::sigh:: When does RAW come on?
ADVANTAGE: Kidman, for being friends with the bastard love child of Konnan and Spike Dudley.
CHICKS
I'm kinda running long here, so I'll give you the gist of this category. I like chicks. The person who gets more chicks has an obvious advantage, because it makes me envy them. I mean, it helps me to identify with them. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, Tom Cruise has scored with more chicks than Rebecca Lobo. Kidman, McGillis, and Brad Pitt have all been nailed by the Cruise missile, along with a legion of actresses, none of which make my Joey "whoa" like Reneé Zellweger as Dorothy.
 |
Kidman SWEARS that the Cruiserweight Gold is a "great way to get chicks," but the coolest chick I've ever seen him hang out with is Juventud.
 |
Juventud looks like Konnan's gay cousin. And don't get offended, we all have gay cousins. My cousin Brad went to see "Cats" for his birthday and gets "Ballet Magazine" in the mail. Juvy probably shows up at Christmas parties and tries to pal around with the guys, but then gets his feelings hurt when they won't look him in the eye.
ADVANTAGE: Tom Cruise
FAMOUS FOLLOWERS
KIDS R PUNNY!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHH!!!! That's so funny I CRAPPED myself!
 |
Here we see Tom Cruise proving that those rumors about him being gay are totally true. Tom Cruise is the object of Rosie O'Donnell's affection, which is kinda like having your crotch sniffed by a big dog. But imagine if the dog had a really high pitched voice, and sang crappy songs all the time about M&M's or whatever. You'd probably want to rip the dog's throat out, right? But hey now, don't misunderstand me. I don't want to rip Rosie O'Donnell's throat out. Then I wouldn't get to watch those FABULOUS K-Mart commercials. I know how bad it is when somebody totally unattractive has a crush on you. In high school, Lisa Clingempeel had a crush on me. But she was really peppy and had the body of a 10 year old boy. I was too busy pining over my dream girl, Karla, to show her any attention.
 |
Even though I was twenty pounds overweight and had an acne problem, I just KNEW that Karla would fall madly in love with me, and we'd live in my basement and play Dungeons and Dragons. Hahaha, I'm kidding, I don't play Dungeons and Dragons. But I did have a bowl haircut and a pissant disposition. I never figured out why Karla didn't want to go out with me. I'm a great person. It's sad to think that people judge you on the way you look! Jeez. I know I'd never stoop to that level.
ADVANTAGE: Tom Cruise
RESULTS
Hey...wait a second. Do you think that I was being a hypocrite? That maybe the reason I was so unsuccessful at romance in High School...and, who am I kidding, now...is because I do the very thing that I abhor the most? Am I judging people based on their appearance, and then idealizing them to make them something much more grandoise than they are? If I just acted like myself...and smiled more, and kept all the true and honest emotion in my heart, and not judge every girl I meet just because I dated a few bad ones...that things would go better? Maybe this is the dawn of a new day! No longer will I judge people based on the way they look! I'm going to stand up for what I believe in, and love someone for what's INSIDE. And then I'm going to ...finish this fight, because that Britney Spears video is on!!! DAMN she looks good! I'd like to "twist it....turn it....bop it." Wait...what was I talking about? Eh, I forgot, who cares. It probably was just something stupid anyway.
 |
THE WINNER,
3-2
KIDMAN
