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Terrell
Owens's Holiday |
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Hey kids! It's me, TV's Terrell Owens, but you can juss call me T.O. Normally I play the wacky, lovable showboating wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, but today I'm going to talk about my other favorite sport: video games! You're probably wondering what makes me an authority on telling you about what video games you should buy. Well, let me ask you this. What better source of advice from than an actual video game character? And it just so happens that I'm really a fictional character from the game ESPN NFL 2K5!
The holiday season is finally upon us, as you can
tell by the giant green Christmas ornament hanging on the corner
of my game's box. That means game developers are expected to release
their finest products of the year in attempt to top the competition.
I should actually take this time to apologize for the lateness of
this article. I know the holiday season actually started back in
August, but when I haven't been playing football for
THE RATING SYSTEM Each game will be rated based on overall quality. Rating video games is a precise science that requires an equally precise scale of overall quality. So to give you the best illustration of just how awesome each game is, I will be using a scale of 0.01 to 1.00 of the bronze statue of myself in the foyer of my house. A rating of 1.00 of the bronze T.O. statue means the game, regardless of what the media tells you, is truly the pinnacle of greatness. Let's get started, then!
We start with the Playstation 2's big holiday title:
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. In this game, you steal a bunch of
people's cars & drive around, trying to re-establish your gang
of Eagles fans's rep. This game really hits home for me, because
it brings back memories of my recent past, when I played for the
San Fierro 69ers before I
To get your gang's rep back, you'll have to complete numerous small tasks. And if you're just playing with friends, two task completions warrants a first down. These side missions can range from "Spray paint your name over the enemy gangs. Bonus points if you include the word 'owned' incorrectly," to simply "Go beat up the crack dealer." Do you see how the words "crack dealer" are in red like that? This means that it's God talking. Though He didn't appear to say the part about going to beat the crack dealer up. The rest must be monologue your character added after God, who is probably driving shotgun, even though you can't see the car's bumper stickers to verify this, decided to point out that a man whose profession is selling crack cocaine draws near. Command? C.J. attacks! Thou hast done well in defeating the crack dealer. A QUOTE FROM DRAGON WARRIOR THE VIDEO GAME, which was popular in the early '90s, during which Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is set! You see how God brings everything together like that?
RATING: I give Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
a 0.76 of the Bronze T.O. Statue,
signifying a game that looks nice & is pretty fun to play, but
has serious moral issues. I just don't get it, man. People love
this game. It's a game where you kill people for no reason &
steal their cars. You know who else might have killed people &
people love him anyway? Inside Linebacker Ray Lewis of
Everybody loves Ray Lewis, even though he might have played so much Grand Theft Auto, that it made him kill people. I dance like the guy when I score a touchdown against him, & suddenly I'm the most hated man in America out of people that aren't the President of the United States. But don't get me wrong. The new Grand Theft Auto game is still a lot of fun. I spent so much time during Week 9 playing it, that I forgot to practice, & then my football team lost their first game. Then when reporters asked me why I didn't shake up stuff as much as usual, & I told them it was San Andreas' Fault. And then they said "Yeah, that's what we're saying. You usually cause earthquakes, dude."
The Nintendo Gamecube relies on updating its classic franchises for the majority of its popularity, & Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is no exception. In this game, you are Mario & you have to save the Princess again. Only this time you're made out of paper. This means that Mario carries all the physical properties of paper, including the ability to fit through narrow openings, the ability to be folded into a paper airplane, the ability to tackle a hundred enemies on the screen at the same time, & the ability to be confused with a computer monitor.
In order to save the Princess, Paper Mario has to unlock the Thousand Year Door by collecting crystal stars. To obtain these crystal stars, Paper Mario will have to search throughout the land, overcoming many tough opponents like Magikoopas, giant dragon things, & the Dallas Cowboys. Then when you reach a crystal star, you should run out to it, spike the football in the middle of it, & form your first initial with your body.
RATING: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door gets a 0.61 of the Bronze T.O. Statue, signifying that it can be funny, but it loses major points for trying to hurt T.O.'s feelings, as shown below-left by pressing the Y-button.
That's when I have to use my ability to tear paper down & also to throw things at it, as shown above-right by pressing the O-No-U-Didn't-button.
Halo 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the XBox's most popular title. In this game, you are on a mission to defeat the evil alien Covenant & save the world from a giant ring-shaped space station. It's just like Star Wars, only in this game, you are Master Chief Dante Hall. Also, instead of dodging & outrunning your opponents, you have to battle them across a vast Eric Warfield.
The best part about Halo 2 is that you can play it on Xbox Live, an online service that lets you play with your friends. You can even host your very own Halo 2 game, but usually they only let you do that if you have a new movie or TV show coming out. And even then, you have to put up with stuff like campers & Jimmy Fallon laughing in the middle of the game, thus totally killing the sketch (above-right).
RATING: I give Halo 2 a 0.95
of the Bronze T.O. Statue, signifying a nigh-perfect gaming experience.
I had hours of fun guiding Master Chief Dante Hall through his adventures
in space. It also gets bonus points, because Halo 2 is what my mother
told me I'll get when I go to heaven & become an angel like
Grandpa. Sometimes I see angels when I score a touchdown, so I try
to tell the crowd that there's an angel watching over us by flapping
my wings like an
This holiday season also sees the release of a brand new handheld video game console. The Nintendo DS is similar to the Game Boy Advance, only this one has two screens! The bottom screen is a special touch screen, in which you use a special pen for new & innovative methods of gameplay. In Metroid Prime: Hunters, you use the pen to shoot & roll up into a ball. In Super Mario 64 DS, you use the pen to move & turn for analog control. And in a Monday Night Football game against the Seattle Seahawks, you use the pen to autograph the football you just scored with & give it to your buddy in the stands.
My favorite feature on the Nintendo DS, however,
is not a game, but rather a built-in function called Picto Chat.
With this, you can send text & picture messages to other nearby
friends with their own Nintendo DS's.
RATING: The stupid Nintendo DS gets a 0.48 of the Bronze T.O. Statue, signifying that it makes me realize how lonely I can get...
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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2)
Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (GCN)
Halo 2 (XBox)
Bonus Review: The Nintendo DS
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