God and Tim Todd
A series of e-mails and creative differences
Written by Jon - March 15 - 2005

Not long ago, evangelist Tim Todd created the Truth for Youth website with the intent on stopping the wave of school shootings taking place across the country.  He also put together a video for the purpose of promoting the cause and his website, which can be seen here.  A few creative differences were had between himself and the Almighty Creator.  Following is a log of e-mails sent back and forth between the two parties.

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: MY NEW MINISTRY

DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER

HEY THIS IS YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT TIM TODD.  HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME.

I RUN THAT WEBSITE WWW.THETRUTHFORYOUTH.COM.  REMEMBER?  ANYWAY THIS IS YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT TIM TODD AND I AM PREPARING A PROMOTIONAL VIDEO FOR THE WEBSITE THAT WILL BE A TOOL FOR MINISTRY.  I AM TRYING TO GET THE WORD OUT ABOUT MY NEW "TRUTH FOR YOUTH" BIBLE BOOK.  I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD HELP ME MAKE IT YOU KNOW ME I AM YOUR HUMBLE AND WILLING SERVANT LOVE TIM TODD

LOVE,

TIM TODD

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Re: MY NEW MINISTRY

Oh hey, Tim.  Sorry it took me a couple of days.  My friend Josh just gave me a Gmail invite, and I've been dinking around with it ever since.  You know it'll archive 100 MB worth of e-mails?  Way better than Hotmail.  I used to get like 10 million spam mails from Satan with the subject line YOU SUCK GOD, but no longer.

So a tool for ministry, eh?  Sounds cool.  I'm not too hip to all that video-editing stuff, but I know you'll do a good job. 

peace
-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: WE STARTED FILMING

DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER

WE HAVE FILMED THE FIRST PART WANT TO HAVE A LOOK-SEE?

-TIM TODD YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Tim...

First off, I was wondering if you could take it easy on the shouting.  It's hurting my figurative ears. 

And second.  I'm omniscient, remember?  I've already seen it.  I have a question for you, though.  Why school shootings?  Of all the Me-forsaken things that are going on in the world, you're targeting school shootings?  Not the famine in Africa that's killing thousands of children a day?  Not the ethnic cleansings going on throughout the world?  Not the homeless people rummaging through garbage cans trying to find something to eat?

I went ahead and did the research that I'm sure you didn't do.  Over the past couple of years, during the big "school shooting" craze, how many kids were killed per year?  Maybe 10? 15?  The National Weather Service reports that about 100 people are struck by lightning every year.  If your goal is to save lives, you'd be better advised to patent, manufacture, and market a specialized backpack which features a lightning rod sticking prominently out the back.  Just a thought.

-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: touche

sorry lord i am foolish to have shouted.  i was just so pumped up for You that i forgot myself.  anyways i once invented a backpack for myself with a built-in lightning rod but i failed to properly ground it and of course a lightning bolt came and shocked the be-jeezus out of me.  i now cannot breathe and pee at the same time and often cannot retain a train of thought f

hi this is tim todd

from,

tim todd

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: whoops

hi its me your humble servant tim todd again.  sorry about that i had another episode.  the missus whipped me up a glass of cocaine-tonic and I was soon well again. 

anyway i thought it fitting to go into a spiel about the founding fathers to open up the video.  you know, since school shootings are happening in america and these guys invented america.  i dont know i'm out peace

your humble servant tim,

tim

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Re: whoops

I've got to say, Tim.  I'm a little puzzled.  Why the grainy black-and-white camera for the Founding Fathers segment? 

Are you under the impression that they only had monochromatic video cameras in the 1700s?  Because they, uh, they actually didn't have any cameras back then at all.  Is it just a budget issue?  I can give you the name of a dude I know who runs a Ritz Camera nearby, he'll totally hook you up.  

Oh yeah, and what's with that pissed-off guy sitting next to contemplative Thomas Jefferson?  You should let that actor know that the Founding Fathers didn't write the Constitution by willing it out of thin air as they struck sternly noble poses.  I know he's trying to look dignified, but he looks angry that someone hit him in the head with the boom mic or something.

So okay, you decide to segue this stuff with modern-day goings-on.  That's all well and good, if by "modern day" you mean "the L.A. Riots."  OH NO THE DREAMS OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS HAVE BEEN CORRUPTED AND WE HAVE HELICOPTER FOOTAGE AND GRAINY BOOTLEGS OF DEAD KENNEDYS CONCERTS TO PROVE IT.

Could you please, please sharpen things up a bit?  I'd really hate to put My name on this crap.

-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: from tim todd

i'm glad you like it Lord God !  !! 

i know i am carrying out your will

i just finished some more of it take a look and let me know what you think amen from tim todd

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Wow

Just so you know exactly what I'm talking about here, I'm going to relay verbatim what the video says:

"In his farewell address, Washington said, 'You can't have national morality apart from religious principle', and it's true.  Because right now we have nearly 150,000 kids carrying guns through these war zones we call public schools."

I did the math.  According to those figures, one in 150 middle/high school kids is carrying a firearm through school.  That's like five kids per school.  Oh, and your decision to include stock footage of kids in trench coats brandishing Kalashnikovs was pretty choice, too.

Yeah, that's a pretty fair and accurate representation of the U.S. public school system.  Those sure are some foggy hallways.  Moving on.

You immediately follow up that gem of a factoid with:

"In the 40s and 50s, student problems were chewing gum and talking.  In the 90s, rape and murder were the trend.  The only way the nation can even hope to last this decade is put God in America again."

Wow, Tim Todd.  You've really topped yourself.  Indeed, forcing yourself upon a woman is the new "Bubble Yum", and people now stab each other in the jugular as a means of communication.  Oh, and before I forget, let me go over your choices for visual aids of "rape" and "murder".

MURDER

A six-shooter being fired.  I suppose Jesse James was disgruntled toward some bully who made fun of his puffy jean jacket.  But it's a gun in the process of firing, fair enough.

RAPE

This doesn't look much like rape to me.  Are you sure you didn't mean "poor dress sense"?  This man appears to be getting apprehended on account of his shirt being too tight.  I'm not quite sure why the Fashion Police wear a helmet and gas mask.

So to go back to your claim that America cannot last the decade unless you find a way to smuggle Bibles into public schools.  Is that so?  America is going to completely disband itself by 2010?  I guess that gives us, what, five years?  Well how do you like that!  How come I didn't hear about this?  I figured I would have caught wind of it, since, you know, I'm the Creator of the Universe and the one who determines everything that happens in the entire world.  Don't I feel like a silly goose!

You know what?  Please stop production entirely.  I don't want people to think that their Creator uses seemingly randomly-obtained stock footage for the purpose of illustrating non sequiter and flimsy tangents.

-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: praise god !

hey it's tim todd

thank you Lord for allowing me to serve as your servant.  i feel as though it is not I who am working on this video package, but You who are working on the video package through me!

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Are you freaking deaf?

I guess you're just not listening or something.  This is so frustrating, I get this all the time.  About 400,000 times a day I get the following prayer:  "God, will this lottery ticket be a winner?"  Almost every single time I tell them no.  But they keep buying, and keep buying, and by the time it's all over they will have flushed enough money down the toilet to send their children to college.  Well, here's something you people don't realize.  You know that little voice in your head?  The one that says "do not waste your money on that lottery ticket", or "do not vote for Bush", or "do not be a menace to South Central while drinking your juice in the hood"?  That's actually Me.  I also go by the name "common sense".  But it doesn't seem to matter, most people don't listen to Me anyway.  They just conjure a yes-man in My image who condones whatever idiotic precept or idea they've come up with most recently.  For future reference, I will never tell you to beat homosexuals across the face with signs that say GOD HATES FAGGOTS, I will never ask you to strap a bomb to your stomach and board a bus full of nuns, and for the love of Me I will never, ever, ever, urge you to market a window decal Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes" kneeling before a cross.  Ever.  In fact, here's an Eleventh Commandment: THOU SHALT NOT INTRUDE UPON THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTIES OF BILL WATTERSON.

Whew...sorry.  You know I love you guys, but it can get to be a little much sometimes.

-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: hi god

allow me to introduce myself my name is tim todd from tim todd ministries.  i have the rest of the video for You to take a look at!  i am very proud of it and believe it will be a great and valuable tool for spreading the word of You.  here you go Sir ALLLLL DONE!

http://www.thetruthforyouth.com/video.htm

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

TO: timtodd@thetruthforyouth.com
SUBJECT: Nice to meet you, Tim Todd!

Hello, Tim Todd!  Nice to meet you!  This is God, the being who created you, knows everything about you, and spent the last few days in e-mail correspondence with you.  I'm going to reiterate as firmly as possible that you not make this video public in the name of Me.  It's just embarrassing.

I've taken the liberty of listing violations I haven't mentioned yet:

1. You spend the first minute or two of the video praising the Founding Fathers, then deride a guy advocating the separation of church and state.   Pssst!  The Constitution actually mandates the separation of church and state.  Whoopsie doodle!

2.  The following statistic:

"America is now #1 in teen pregnancy and violent crime, #1 in illiteracy, drug use and divorce."

At what point did I give you the impression that I wanted you to just start flat-out lying to people?  You know that "illiteracy" means "inability to read" and not "American-citizen-having", right? 

More and more evidence is mounting that suggests that you have never heard of the continent of Africa.

3.  This quote's just timeless.

"When it gets to the point that people would rather come out of the closet than clean it, is the sign that judgment of God is gonna fall!"

Pretty clever, man!  Too bad it's flawed at the most fundamental level.  If you were in a closet and you had to clean it, wouldn't it make sense to come out of it first?  It seems to me that all you could do while in the closet is just throw the stuff on the bedroom floor right in front of the closet, rather than actually walk over to where the stuff is supposed to go and put it there.  Regardless, your stock footage of gays is pretty amusing.

This just makes me sick!  Look at those people, having a good time and not bothering anybody else!  They have some nerve!  I'm glad you've decided that it's much more important to chastise homosexuals than it is to, say, campaign for debt forgiveness for third-world countries so that millions of people can eat, or work to end child labor.  Yeah, lecturing people for being gay is way more important, and there is no other possible use of your time which would be more constructive.

4.  Oh Tim Todd, you're such a photogenic!

Nothing adds credibility to your video like a spliced-in clip of a newscast about you.  Though I've got to say, it looks more like a school principle doing the morning announcements than a for-real news program.  I wish you'd shut your yapper so I could hear what the alternate lunch is today.  I'm allergic to peanut butter.

5.  So I finally took a look at the Truth for Youth Bible today.  Wow.  So you took the Bible I wrote, got rid of like 99.9% of the text, and made it into a comic book featuring cool teens talking about the evils of condoms and rock music?  And you're still calling it the Bible?  If I could fit into a courthouse I'd sue you.

The most hilarious part of the entire video is probably the clips in which the kids stand by the exits of the schools handing out those books as they walk out.  It's a shame you didn't keep a camera trained on the garbage cans at the bottom of the steps, because that's where they all ended up.  Trust me. 

This is the part that cracks me up every single time.  Check it out.

THAT FAT KID DOESN'T WANT YOUR CARTOON BIBLE

If you happened to film a kid who didn't want a bible, why would you a) feature it in your video, and b) play it in slo-mo?  Man, that's never going to stop being funny.

Sigh.  Not that you're going to even read what I'm typing here anyway.  Being God is lonely.  I guess I could theoretically type a bunch of curse words and nobody would care, but that would be terribly out of character for me.  So I'll just say...hinkle, finkle, dinkle, doo.

Peace.
-G

TO: god@gmail.com
SUBJECT: THANKS FOR THE ADVICE GOD

this is tim todd again  !!!!   ! !!

Lord i would just like to thank you for your guiding hand.  the truth for youth bible was directly inspired by you, as was the accompanying video, and for that i am grateful.  so far i have used profits from the bibles to buy six lottery tickets.  hey  that reminds me, hey God should i buy six lottery tickets?  oh i forgot i did already lol

your friend

your good and faithful servant tim todd

tim todd

- - - -

The Tim Todd Ministries

Jon
jonbois@gmail.com
AIM: Boiskov