God and The Incredible Machine
A play by Jon
November 16, 2025

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Mel Schlemming

God

MEL. Hey God!  My name's Mel, Mel Schlemming.  I'm here to help you understand how this game works! 

This blue area around me is the test area.  Remember, it's like the real world in here -- gravity applies!  The first thing you want to do is --

[clicks mouse around screen randomly]

MEL. Okay, now don't start just clicking around!  First you --

GOD. what is hapening I dont understand what to do!

MEL. Well, I'll show you.  Go ahead and --

[clicks mouse around screen randomly]

MEL. Okay, that's not going to solve anything.  See that flag up at the top?  That's the "go" button.  Click it, and your great experiment will be set into motion!  You don't want to do that yet, though.  I'm suspended in mid-air, so the first thing you want to do is give me a floor to

AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MEL. Please don't do that.  I just fell to my death!  See if you can make a floor using the toolbar to your left.  Just click the "brick" icon and drag

AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MEL. Okay, now this time don't

AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MEL. Please

AAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MEL. FOR THE LOVE OF YOU, PLEASE STOP

GOD. sorry

MEL. Thank you.  Now, let's get that floor built for me.

MEL. See?  That's the ticket.

GOD. nothing is hapening

MEL. Exactly.  I'm still alive!  Hooray!

GOD. this game is sucky

MEL. Aw, come on now!  Nobody likes a stick in the mud!  Time to have some fun!  Go ahead and drag some things onto the test area, and let's rock and roll!

GOD. k

MEL.  Ooh!  You found the baseball!  Looks like we have ourselves a ballplayer here, huh?  What position do you play, sport?

GOD. Base ball is gay

MEL. A boxing fan then, eh?  Nothing wrong with a little punchin' around!

MEL. Hey, uh...It's probably best if you start constructing your awesome machine over there, champ!  There's plenty of open space!

GOD. na

MEL. Hey...hey, what are you doing?  Don't push that OOF

GOD. lol

MEL.  That was awfully mean-spirited.  My liver is protruding from my chest cavity.

GOD. I CAN BE MEAN IF I WANT TO

ROAAAARRRRRR I AM GOD

MEL.  If you're God, how come you're roaring?  The real God wouldn't roar OOF

GOD. u want a fat lip buddy

MEL.  Sorry...sorry.  On to something else, huh?  Hey, get one of those computers and drag it out here!

MEL. Now this is cool.  Just make something hit the keyboard, and you can make it display whatever you want!

GOD. those Computers suck

MEL. Well yeah, but still pretty cool, huh?  Did you ever think you'd be using a computer inside of another computer?  That's like of like watching the movie "Mulholland Drive" and spotting a garbage can in the background.  So what are you spelling, chief?

MEL. Oh goodness.

GOD.  COMPUTER VIRAS ! ! ! !

MEL. You can't be more than nine years old.

GOD. can you hijack cars in this game

MEL. No. 

[clicks mouse around screen randomly]

MEL. Come on now!  There are plenty of other great things to do!  Let's do something nice, huh?

GOD. fine

GOD. i have bestoed on you a pet cat and a pet mouse and even a lawn

MEL. Aw, shucks.  This is really nice!  Thanks, God!

GOD. welcome

MEL. Doing the right thing sure feels great, huh?

GOD. i guess

MEL. Ahhh...This is the life.  Not getting blown up.  Standing on the edge of a precipice, admiring the view.  Being alive.  Yes, this is the life.

GOD.  ...

GOD.  .......

GOD.  ...........

GOD.  ..................................

GOD.  GRRRR I GROW TIRED OF THIS DRUGERY

MEL. W-what are you doing?  What's with the bowling ball, and the precariously placed nest of flint and timber?  Hey? HEY!

GOD. u have been strucken down at the hands of your own pet mouse

MEL.  Why?  What's the meaning of this?

GOD. i am Bored becase you cant' hijack cars or murder police cops

MEL. Whatever.  It's not about edutainment anymore, I guess.

GOD. yeah my Friend andy has this game where you can kill a policeman and take his gun and use the gun to shoot at a old lady and drive over her dead body with a Bike you stole from some guy who wouldn't stop when you were trying to sniper him with a rocket lancher and you can buy pizza.  mom took away that Game so now all i can play is this crappey piece of shit.  eat egg timer.

MEL. Ow.  So you can wantonly kill people?  Is that what makes that game fun?

GOD. no.  it's all about the freedom to do whatever you want. 

MEL. Oh.  So if you want to, you can go read a book?  Or help clean up litter at a nearby park?  Or earn an honest living?

GOD. well, no.  why would you want to anyway?  you can just kill people and run over people and stab people and blow people up and behead people with your shotgun and drown people and drive your car on the sidewalk and set people on fire.

MEL.  Very interesting.  So it's really not about doing whatever you want, it's about doing things that are socially irresponsible.  Which raises the question: Did this game give you this desire, or is it catering to it?  My theory is--

GOD. sorry, i know you're in the middle of making a point.  just indulge me for one second.  DEATH FROM ABOVE

MEL. *gurgle*

Anyway, my theory is that people play the game because they hate themselves.

GOD. what?  that doesn't make any sense.  it's all about breaking the rules, man.

MEL. It's not, and I'll tell you why.  We don't always notice when we get the long end of the stick, but we never fail to take notice whenever we get the short end.  This leads to the perception, accurate or not, that we are getting "shafted" by society.  Now, that game isn't about taking revenge against society, don't misunderstand me.  Since we always seem to think we're being oppressed by the world, we can better empathize with those we see who are actually being acted against.  When you beat that guy to the ground with that pool cue, you can empathize with him, and when you do, you're really beating down yourself.  Some people really do play that game because of its quality and the sense of freedom it offers.  But beware anyone who either tells you they're playing it for therapeutic reasons, or kills some guy and spends the next five minutes kicking blood out of his lifeless corpse "because it's funny".  He probably has no conscious idea of how masochistic his actions are.

GOD. so i hate myself?  that's why i make you suffer? HINDENBURG LOL

HOW DOES IT FEEL TOO HAVE CAUSED THE HINDENBURG DISASTOR

MEL. Jeez, kid.  How do you know about the Hindenburg?

GOD. i am god.

MEL. Oh, right.  Anyway, to answer your question, I think that's the reason.  I mean, you probably get picked on at school--I mean, god-school, huh?

GOD. yeah

MEL. Well, those kids who bully you probably do so because they don't like themselves.  And you can take satisfaction in that.

GOD.  thanks mel.  i learned a lot today in a place where i didn't expect to learn anything at all.

MEL. You're welcome, my omnipotent friend. 

[doorbell rings]

GOD. oh that must be andy

MEL. Andy?

GOD. he's my friend from god-school.

MEL. Ahh.  Well, remember what we talked about, OK?

GOD. i will see ya

ANDY. HAY WHATS THIS PIECE OF BULLSHIT GAME ON YOUR COMPUDER

GOD. oh that? that's nothing.  just some stupid game mom made me play after she grounded me from playing GTA.

ANDY. [shoving GOD out of way] WHOA HOW DO YOU PLAY

GOD. well, it's sort of intricate and has kind of a learning curve, but it's actually rather intuitive and really fun! 

ANDY. [clicks mouse around screen randomly] CAN YOU KIDNAP OLD PEOPUL AND SET THEM AFLAME

GOD. no, but it's not about that! it's about experimenting around and having fun.  see, you can use the flashlight and magnifying glass to light the fuse on the rocket!

ANDY. WOAH COOL

GOD. let's try to solve a puzzle on this or something!

ANDY. HOLD ON

[ANDY begins work on a giant machine.  It appears not to be any vessel of learning and inspiration, but a cold instrument of death.]

ANDY. LOL THIS'LL WILL BE FUNN

[ANDY drags MEL out of the toolbar]

GOD. oh no.

ANDY. I CANNOT FIGURE HOW TO START THIS CRAZEY CONTRAPTION.  YOU DO IT

GOD. uh...sure.

MEL. I'm not going to survive those alligators, God.  There will be no coming back.

GOD. uh--

MEL. God...just remember.  No one is an island.  You are only doing this to yourself.  Every man you will gun down, every old lady you will rob, every oddly miniature edutainment game guide you will feed to the alligators, will weigh on your conscience.  They will not give you guilt.  Only self-inflicted wounds that will never heal.

[GOD tries to act like he cannot hear MEL.]

ANDY. DO IT WHUT YOU WAITING FOR/

GOD. [softly] sorry...

[MEL looks down for a moment, then back up.  He offers a warm smile, trying to the best of his ability not to appear afraid.]

MEL.  Goodbye, God.

[GOD clicks the flag and promptly turns away.]

ANDY. TIGHT ! ! WHATSFORSUPPERLETSPLAYVIDEAGAMESICALLFIRST

[ANDY rushes to the television and fires up the Playstation.  GOD remains silent and still, a silhouette against the artificial glow of Los Santos, San Andreas.  He now rests, and it is not good.]

[Curtains fall]

Jon
AIM: Boiskov
Jonbois@gmail.com