Team
Rocket
A Fag, a
Fag Hag, and Her Cat: The 10 Defining Moments
written by b originally for Whatever-Dude.com- february 13th - 2001
Pokémon, as a fad, isn't as strong as it used to be. People say it's poorly animated, lacks character, and exists only to sell overpriced plush toys that your dog will eat and piss you off. I mean, toys for kids. But you're blind.
You're all blind.
It's never been about selling merchandise. The characters aren't soulless sheets of paper spouting nonsensical information about a world obsessed with animals. It's never been about the Japanese marketing machine throwing flashing lights and bright colors at kids. No, you've missed the point entirely.
It's all about humanity, and equality.
Not since the glory days of Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling has the world of children's television been blessed with such three-dimensional characters. They bring definition to those around them by evolving, developing, and extending their typecasts and breaking new ground within the already fuzzy lines of "good" and "bad." They are sympathetic to the definition of the word - all they want is the freedom to be themselves and to maybe ONE day NOT be shocked by that stupid yellow rat.
To protect the world from devastation. To unite all peoples within their nation.
To denounce the evils of truth, and love. To extend their reach to the stars above.
Jesse and James.
Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light. Surrender now or prepare to see the ten greatest moments in the history of televisions greatest fag-hag romantic/platonic relationship.
That's right!
The Top Ten Team Rocket Moments
10. Officer Jenny and Officer Jenny
Episode: 51: Case of the K9
Caper
The context: The first appearance of Team Rocket's
"voice altering" technology, and the first time we
learn that James really does shave his legs. To capture a team of
police dogs, the Rocket Gang mimics the voice of Officer Jenny
(one of eighteen-hundred million Officer Jennys inhabiting the
Pokémon world) to "trick" them into running away. The
real shining moment here is when Jessie and James are making the
quick costume change, and James asks Jess to "hand him those
pumps."
The bizarre thing: The grossest part of this episode is
the ending, when sexually repressed Brock steals one of the voice
altering megaphones and compliments himself in Officer Jenny
voice. I of course recognized all the phallic symbolism in shows
like "He-Man," with a big muscle guy in furry ass
underwear swinging a big sword around, but a lead-in to a
masturbation subplot is not something I'm ready for on Saturday
morning.
9. "Feast your eyes on the KING of KARP!"
Episode: 16: Pokemon
Shipwreck
The context: Quite possibly the greatest one liner in the
history of animation. Threatened with the idea of drowning in a
sunken ship, Jessie and Meowth suck it up and apologize to James,
who'd just spent their entire month's salary on a useless water
Pokémon. Thanks to his years of drama and modern dance, James
strikes a pose and displays his prize Magikarp with the
exclamation. Then the Magikarp doesn't do anything and James
looks like a big idiot.
The bizarre thing: This is the first moment James begins
to hate "fish," which is way too deep and Freudian for
me to even scratch the surface of. I'm still waiting for the day
when he dresses up like a big cock and sings a song about how
much he loves himself.
8. Snow-gasbord
Episode: Special Ep: Snow
Way Out!
The context: Cold, hungry, and lost on a big snowy
mountain, James and Meowth bemoan their situation...until Jessie
reveals her fondness for snow. When questioned, Jessie reveals
that since she "didn't have much growing up," her
mother would make her entire meals out of snow. Snow rolls with
soy sauce, snow pudding, the works. This moment helps move Team
Rocket from "weird" to "psychologically
damaged."
The bizarre thing: Jessie always seemed a little touched,
but the revelation of child abuse and malnutrition makes her more
"Christina Aguilera" than "Britney Spears."
Plus, like Aguilera, she weighs like four pounds and her head is
way too big for her body. She also likes to hang out with gay
dancers. And when have you ever met a fag-hag who DIDN'T own a
cat?
7. Shocking Violence
Episode: 50. A Chansey
Operation
The context: Maybe my favorite episode ever. Team Rocket
succeeds in stealing a truck load of Pokémon, and then wrecks
the truck and injures everybody. So, in typical bad guy fashion,
they help out at the hospital and then try to steal all the
Pokémon again. Does Ash stop them, by "blasting them off
again?" Does Misty use one of her water Pokémon to save the
day? No way. It's the sexually deviant Dr. Proctor, the head doc
at the hospital, who THREATENS TO CUT THEM WITH SCISSORS AND
SCALPELS UNLESS THEY LEAVE. I'm not kidding.
The bizarre thing: Is when Dr. Proctor (who's got to be in
his 20's or 30's) hits on the 11 year old Misty. Maybe there IS
something about prepubescent chicks who wear overalls to hold up
their shorts, but in my eyes that's still pretty synonymous with
attempted child molestation.
6. Cheerleaders
Episode: 14. Electric Shock
Showdown
The context: Another well-known entertainment site covered
this episode, the big Pikachu vs. Raichu battle for the Thunder
Badge, and COMPLETELY omitted the best and most significant part
of the episode. Moved by Pikachu's bravery, Team Rocket debuts
their "conscience" by dressing up as cheerleaders and
rooting for the yellow rat-that-looks-more-like-a-rabbit. The
Rocket cheerleaders appear many more times during the run of the
show, and the "conscience" plays a big part in their
famed rise to "face" glory in Pokémon the Movie 2000.
The bizarre thing: James' cheerleader outfit DOES have a
skirt, but I'm still shocked that he didn't show up in a pink
two-piece with white bloomers and a big red R on the ass. Male
cheerleaders are always big wieners, though, so maybe it's not
really James' fault.
5. "I miss James!"
Episode: 45: Holy
Matrimony!
The context: The first of three moments from the infamous
"Holy Matrimony" episode. Faking amnesia, James tells
the story of "little James," who, along with his trusty
Growlithe "Growly," run away from home, only to wander
the Charles Dickens-looking streets and freeze to death in the
cold. By the end of the story everyone is crying over James'
death, until cynical bitch Misty states the obvious: that James
is still alive, because he's telling the story. Maybe she's not
as gullible as the other characters, but she hates Psyduck, so
she can go straight to hell.
The bizarre thing: Little James dying in the streets is
entirely illustrated, complete with angels descending to carry
him to heaven. I had my doubts about Japanese culture before,
what with them eating their dogs and having vending machines that
dispense lesbian schoolgirl panties, but this pretty much
cemented it. Harry Truman didn't finish the job.
4. Oh my FUCKING God
Episode: 96: Wherefore Art
Thou, Pokemon?
The context: Team Rocket wants to steal some Nidorans who
are "in love." So they dress up like a bride and groom.
If somebody drugged David Lynch and punched him in the back of
the head until he wrote a story I'm assuming he'd do something
like this. It has very little relevance to the plot, other than
to kick every notion of James' heterosexuality in the stomach and
give it the Stone Cold Stunner.
The bizarre thing: That his even exists. A wedding dress?
I find it hard to think of anything witty to say when cartoon
characters show up in wedding cross-dress. I thought it was
pretty homo of Bugs Bunny to dress up like a woman and tongue
Elmer Fudd, but even he would hitch James to the back of the
truck and drag him for this.
3. Invisible Suits
Episode: 45: Holy
Matrimony!
The context: The second "Holy Matrimony" moment.
Perhaps their greatest disguise was adorned when James' parents
faked their death to bring him home. Jessie and Meowth want to
"disappear," so they don "invisible suits:"
black jumpsuits with a veil over their face. Even Ash, who
undoubtedly has lost about a hundred wallets to the "wallet
inspector," didn't fall for this. Not their most creative
disguise, nor their most homosexual, but it defined them as
complete and unmitigated fucking idiots.
The bizarre thing: I'm still shocked that Ash didn't fall
for it. If Ash's Mom walked up to him and said "Ash, I have
a secret - Pikachu is really your father," Ash would go
"Pikachu?" in a really confused voice and then
completely believe her. And then he'd cry and give away all of
his Pokémon like a retard.
But who IS Ash's dad? Professor Oak, or Mr. Mime?
2. It's all down hill from here.
Episode: 3. Ash Catches a
Pokémon!
The context: In their first appearance, the Rockets, along
with Koffing and Ekans (God rest their souls), looked like A-1
bad asses. So in this first official attempt to capture Pikachu
in the woods, it's fitting that Team Rocket AND their two best
Pokémon lose badly to one of the smallest and weakest Pokémon
around. Caterpie, with all the strength and reserve of a green
turd, uses weak attacks and completely dominates. It was the
first time we could see how pathetic these guys really are.
The bizarre thing: Before this, Team Rocket's "plan
of attack" was to fly over the Pokémon center and drop
bombs in it. Pretty effective, right? After this, Team Rocket's
"plan of attack" was to build a big robot that would
dig a hole, and then they could dress up like hula girls or
something and try to get Ash to fall into the hole. Caterpie
must've given them brain damage.
1. Rocketshipping
Episode: 45: Holy
Matrimony!
The context: Ah, controversy. The ending to "Holy
Matrimony" gave one group of Pokémon fans an endless supply
of fan-fiction material, while giving the other half reason to
jam their index finger down their throat and vomit all over the
television. Reassuring their partnership and friendship, Jessie
and James fly away in the Meowth balloon, hands clasped. I ranked
this number one because it's one of the ONLY Team Rocket happy
endings, and because we didn't have to sit through another video
package telling us how much Ash loves Pikachu. We GET it, okay?
He has sex with the mouse, now stop ramming it down our throats.
The bizarre thing: In the Japanese comic (or
"manga," which is Japanese for "manager")
Jessie and James end up MARRIED with a kid on the way. Just like
"Will and Grace," television is instilling the hope in
young women that if they just HANG IN THERE and KEEP TRYING they
can make gay guys not gay. It's sad, especially when you read the
fan fiction OMG
In conclusion, remember, this list was compiled thanks to hours of television research, much of which involved me sitting through commercials for "Digimon," which is essentially the same thing as Pokémon but about as fun as festering rectal cancer.
Also, I saw a commercial for "Max Steel," which I would've played with and enjoyed as a child had I been born with a giant dent in my forehead. What are children watching these days?
Can't they stick to shows about sexually repressed men and women trying to steal animals?
Idiots.
