A Superhero's Guide To Dating
How to maintain a lasting relationship with the damsel of your dreams.
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on February 24, 2003

"Superman isn't brave. You can't be brave if you're indestructable." The not-so-immortal words of Angus's grandfather... and he's absolutely wrong. Superman may be the Man of Steel, but he is NOT indestructible. He's allergic to chunks of his home planet, remember? I'd think that overcoming a physical weakness would require some bravery, would you not? Then there's our hero's way with women. Superman's got a weak spot for the ladies, & for once I'm not just talking about the Smallville girls. Remember in Superman 1, where he broke the superhero's code by reversing the earth's rotation, thereby turning back the clock to give him enough time to save Lois Lane? I think that is a perfect illustration of my point that even superheroes need a little love, too. Which brings me to today's post:

A SUPERHERO'S GUIDE TO DATING!

As a college-age male with raging hormones, it's only natural for me to apply my fascination with the superhero psyche to things like girls, talking to girls, dating girls, & making out with girls. Hey, guess what men think about every 5.2 seconds...

Now I don't claim to be some kind of expert on women or a datingologist or whatever, but I'd like to think that I know how to treat a lady. So to all of my readers who, like myself, happen to have super powers, & I know there's quite a number of you, this is just a collection of tips just for you on how to treat your date right, so that he or she might actually start to dig you as a person, & not just a person who can fend off bad guys.

1. Don't show off your powers on the first date.

I know it may be difficult, like for Gohan here, to have to hide your super strength from your peers, but it's for your own good. You see, people who aren't exposed to super powers on a regular basis are going to think that you're some kind of freak. Sorry kid, but that's the brakes.

Besides, you wouldn't want to make your date feel inferior to you. Nobody likes a showoff, & you could really hurt somebody. If you have the power of stretching your body, & you want to impress your date by applying it to certain appendages, you could end up poking somebody's eye out, & that's totally not cool.

And another thing. If you're like most superheroes, you have a secret identity to maintain. Showing off your powers to a blind date may not be a good idea if you'd like to keep your secret a secret. You don't know what kind of person this is. It'll take at least 3 or 4 more dates to be able to trust your new lover. Crushing rocks into diamonds & referring to your friends as the Justice League on the first date is never a good idea. Spend your time trying to get to know your new partner.

2. Wear pants.

It's a pretty good idea to not show up on a date in your superhero costume. I know it's special to you, but let's face it. If your date isn't aware that you have super powers, she's going to think that you're some sort of idiot who doesn't know how to dress yourself. There's nothing more appalling than a date with no sense of style, & unfortunately, the commoners believe that spandex is a privilege, not a right.

In fact, you might want to just leave your costume at home. You never know if you'll end up back at your date's apartment having casual sex. If your date rips your clothes off & finds your superhero costume, that could be very startling & totally ruin the mood. You don't need spider sense to tell you that you don't want that to happen.

3. Try not to move too fast.

I mean literally. If you're blessed with super speed like the Flash here, then you're certainly aware of your super high metabolism, & the effects it has on your social life. Patience is a virtue in the dating circuit, especially for you. Your date just isn't going to be ready to move at the speeds that you're used to on the first date. Also, avoid dinner dates until your lover gets to know you better. Your normal dietary habits, including the 20 course meals & the 37 sugars in your coffee, will surely startle anyone who isn't used to your super powers.

4. Ixnay on the X-ray.

Using your X-ray vision to see what your date looks like naked is totally off limits. It is imperative that you mind your manners. As hard as it may be to resist checking out your date from the inside out, this is considered a rude invasion of privacy. Besides, they're going to notice you staring at them. Women are especially good at catching men glancing at their breasts. This sort of behavior is just not acceptable in most social circles, & frankly, if you need some website to tell you to respect your date's privacy, then maybe you aren't quite ready for the dating circuit after all.

5. Keep control of your heat vision as well.

If you happen to have super hormones that reach blazing speeds that far exceed those of a normal human, then you already know the dangers of losing control of your heat vision. You need to be especially careful of this when you go out on dates. What starts out as a warm, penetrating glance into your date's dreamy eyes can turn into you melting your date's dreamy face off. You don't want this to happen. Believe me, I know from experience. I know a girl with heat vision, & she's melted my face off on several occasions. The rehabilitation is anything but fun.

6. Remember that normal human beings can't breathe in space.

I know how much you enjoy the peace & quiet of outer space, & it would make a great Inspiration Point type spot to take a date, but it's missing that certain something... oxygen. Most people do not have the power of being able to breathe without oxygen, so places like outer space & the bottom of the ocean are bad locales for a first date. If you want to provide your date with an oxygen tank or helmet, you'd better wait until the 3rd or 4th date to do that. You know... ease them into it.

7. Mind your super strength.

I can't stress this enough. We live in a society where first dates often get hot & heavy, & if you don't control your super strength, you're really going to hurt somebody. Don't let your passions get away with you to the point where you can't keep control of yourself. Don't let a big hug suffocate your date. As a superhero, it is your duty to not inflict harm on innocent people, & that includes your date... no matter how far from innocent she may seem.

8. Be prepared in case your date gets kidnapped.

One of the downsides to being a superhero is the ongoing threat of being attacked by bad guys. Because of this, having a date with you can sometimes be a burden. For instance, it's generally a bad idea to take your date to a beach or a sushi bar, as she will more than likely be captured by a giant squid monster. There is nothing, & I mean NOTHING, that bad guys & evil monsters love more than kidnapping their arch enemies' loved ones. It's not like they're going to stop & find out if your date is a first-time acquaintance or a long-time lover. They're just going up & bag 'em, & you must be prepared for this. For great justice!

9. Don't lose your temper if you get dumped.

Lastly, remember that the dating circuit is a rough scene, even for a superhero. Don't expect instant success, even after reading this helpful guide. Find that certain someone is a difficult task, especially since everybody looks the same when you use your X-ray vision. You may encounter some heartache & pain, but please keep in mind that there are other fish in the galaxy. There is absolutely no need to show them what they're missing by releasing a tornado or some other natural disaster upon their home.