Boston , Massachusetts . 1737.
Thomas: “Thank you for coming today, gentlemen. I assure you I wouldn't have called this emergency meeting without good reason.”
Bradley: “What's the reason?”
Thomas: “You think I'm just going to dive into the reason without elaborating my thought process first? Haven't you ever seen how business meetings operate in movies or on TV?”
Bradley: “Uh, no, it's seventeen thir”
Thomas: “I KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS SHUT UP BRADLEY JUST SHUT UP!”
(about 15 seconds of silence)
James: “Sir? Your elaboration?”
Thomas: “Shut up, Bradley.”
Bradley: “I didn't even…!”
Thomas: “Let's move on. What are we in, preschool? Is this preschool? Are we preschoolers? Is there a preschool teacher teaching us things? Fuck you, Bradley.”
Bradley: “Alright, I'm just going to leave until y”
Thomas: “GODDAMNIT BRADLEY GET THE HELL OUT!”
(exit Bradley. 30 seconds of silence follow wherein Thomas shakes his head and huffs in reaction to his thoughts)
Winston: “He's…he's gone, sir. May we continue?”
Thomas: “I've got half a mind to…forget it. Forget it! I'll be the bigger man here. Gentlemen, it seems as though our streets are growing restless and irritable. The holiday gap between January and late April is greatly inhibiting the average man's work ethic, not to mention his overall satisfaction with the jobs we make available to him.”
James: “What are you suggesting? That we just make up a holiday?”
Thomas: “Well where do you think all the other holidays came from? They didn't just start showing up on calendars and people decided to go with the flow.”
James: “All the holidays I'm familiar with are based on religious institutions or memorable dates in a nation's history.”
Thomas: “What are you bitching about, then? There have got to be hundreds of days in which things in either of those categories happened that go uncelebrated. I could send this state's economy straight to hell while still following your rules.”
James: “Please don't, sir.”
Thomas: “I'm just yankin' yer dick, big guy. Let's narrow down this field, huh guys? Uhhh Andrew, you've been awfully quiet over there. What kind of holiday do you think would suit this city best?”
Andrew: “Psssssh uhhhh well the city is predominantly Irish, sir. Especially the South End.”
Thomas: “Good angle. What do they like to do?”
Andrew: “They drink and sing, sir. Oh, and they're considered to be devout Catholics.”
Thomas: “Catholics, eh? We can totally put James' religious spin on this.”
James: “I wasn't suggesting that you mar the sanctity of all existing holi”
Thomas: “We can just select some famous Irish Catholic and call it ‘Booze Day'. ‘Booze Day'. I like that. ‘Booze Day'.”
Andrew: “If you really wanted to fly with the religious approach you could call it ‘St. Patrick's Day'. They love that guy.”
Thomas: “Yeah? When was he born?”
Andrew: “I don't know, but he died smack in the middle of March.”
James: “This is a bad idea, I don't think that”
Thomas: “That's too perfect. It's settled. This March we celebrate St. Patrick's Day!”
James: “I want to record to show that I had nothing to do with this. Consider this my long overdue retirement speech”
Thomas: “Jeez, what did you want us to do, name it ‘St. James' Day'? We don't even have an established Jewish culture.”
James: “Although it's directly of Hebrew descent the name James came to the United States fro”
Thomas: “God, I need a break. How long until St. Patrick's Day?”
Ah yes, St. Patrick's Day. A day celebrated by the Irish and those that wish they were. Those who celebrate St. Patrick's Day have been looking forward to 2006 for quite some time now as March 17th happens to fall upon a Friday. The thing about St. Patty's is that it really doesn't have much to offer to those who abstain from alcohol. I'm not calling the general Irish public a load of lushes, but at any social gathering there is sure to be plenty of pints and spirits. It seems to be all they pride themselves with. Naturally when a group of people boast of their heritage's miraculous tolerance for alcohol they wind up with a negative stereotype. Sure, every race is associated with something, but how many races are known for one thing and one thing only? Other races associate themselves with drinking, too, but in the hierarchy of “my race can drink more beers than your race” the Irish come out on top. Well what are you going to do, designate their only identifiable trait as second banana to the Russians? Not if you want to get tanked this Friday.
There are certainly some very traditional ways to celebrate St. Patrick's Day (doing five to ten Irish Car Bombs and diving through a plate glass window), but what about those who gave up things for lent like corned beef, cabbage, or sixers of Guinness? Since St. Patrick's Day is technically a Catholic holiday there will also be many observers who will not be eating meat or even fasting. Are these dedicated souls to wallow in starvation while Americanized Catholics nationwide dye their
Jägermeister green and eat themselves into a coma? As a concerned citizen of a largely Irish community I've compiled a small list of supplemental activities for our sober and hungry brethren alike.
Things to do on St. Patrick's Day Besides Fun Stuff
Watch the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament
The tournament starts Thursday, but there are a lot of high profile teams playing on Friday including three of the number one seeds. I've said it numerous times before, but I feel it's worth reiterating that men's college basketball is only so popular because baseball and football are still amidst their off-seasons and the majority of professional basketball players don't care if they win or lose. Even with the World Baseball Classic in full swing this is your only option when it comes to sports as there are no games scheduled for Friday. I wouldn't expect you to watch anyway. Each game is like watching a watered down pre-season all-star game. Hell, the United States isn't even making a strong showing. How many people watched the United States ' men's basketball team play in the Olympics after they dropped one to Ethiopia?
The tournament consists of 64 teams battling in standard tournament fashion, which eventually lead to the creation of the NCAA tournament bracket. As far as fantasy sports go this is by far the most popular form. As the old saying goes “There's no such thing as a bad bracket”, which I vehemently disagree with. I'd say that if you chose the underdog in every single match up that would constitute a bad, if not terrible, bracket. I'd actually go as far to call the person who made said bracket a mental degenerate with a skewed understanding of what humor is, but that's neither here nor there. I'm sure a lot of people pay attention to the tournament only with interest in how their brackets are shaping out. What other sporting event gains public interest from a gimmick that plays on common human interest? Nationalism in the World Baseball Classic, you say? Preposterous. The World Baseball Classic was as natural an advancement as hair plugs.
What'll really make your evening interesting are all the funny signs that students bring to the games. It's a well known fact that college students enjoy a beer or ten on Friday nights, let alone on St. Patrick's Day, so you're sure to see all kinds of clever references to this coincidence. Thank goodness Notre Dame didn't make the tourney or I might have blown my chuckle fuse!
Watch the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament
Doesn't start until Saturday, but still worth an lol, I'd say.
Go see “The Shaggy Dog”
Before I dive into what is sure to be a terrific movie I want to predict what the movie's soundtrack is going to look like:
“Atomic Dog” – George Clinton
They'll play this song during a scene where Tim Allen's human form is acting like a dog (peeing on fire hydrants or chasing cats).
“Walking the Dog” – Aerosmith
This one was easy. If Tim Allen's dog form goes for a walk they'll need some walking music, right? Who's going to pass up this can of corn?
“What's My Name?” – Snoop Dogg
Tim Allen in dog form again, though this time he's probably going to be in a car with his head out the window dubbed with him saying “I could get used to this!”
You get the idea; a bunch of songs that have the word “dog” in them. Haha.
What's really surprising is people are saying this new version isn't meeting up to the standards created by the 1959 version. First of all, how low on ideas is Disney if they think “Human turns into sheepdog and changes back but then sometimes changes back into sheepdog” is worth another shot? Was there a writer of the original “Shaggy Dog” that left something out of the first one that felt it worth another production? How many questions am I going to ask in this article?
Now I understand that this is a children's movie, but just because something is intended for children doesn't mean it has to be devoid of wit and/or an interesting plot. I mean you're Disney for Christ's sake you don't exactly have strict limitations as to what your intended audience is looking for. And while I'm bitching you out, Disney, aren't you supposed to invoke some sort of life lesson into the conclusion of your movies? What's the moral here, that sheepdogs should maintain the same rights as human beings?
A Doggy Lama joke? Had to be done!
Watch the Season Premiere of “The Sopranos”…Again
No season premiere thus far this year has been met with as much hype as “The Sopranos”' this past Sunday. It's not very surprising when you realize that the writers on staff have followed every rule in the book. All the mobster's sons are experimenting with drugs, their daughters are experimenting with sex, and their elders are growing senile. As an added twist all the mobsters who are overweight are growing concerned with their condition. When you're trying to get people addicted to a program you just need to hit home with the viewer while tying it into an interesting and over-the-top storyline.
So what's more predictable than Junior's Alzheimer's causing him to shoot his own nephew? Why, what's going to happen in the episodes to come, of course.
(scene: TONY SOPRANO, his daughter MEADOW SOPRANO, and his wife CARMELA SOPRANO are eating dinner at the kitchen table)
Tony: “So wata you do today, hah?”
Meadow: “Well, there's actually something I wanted to tell you, Daddy. Finn and I are going to get married.”
Tony: “Whata you stupid a sometin? Is this how I raise you? You just marry some guy? Hah?”
Carmela: “Tony, calm down. Let's be reasonable here. This is your daughter you're talking about. She's a very smart girl.”
Tony: “What's a matter withchu, hah? I tought you were betta an this.”
Meadow: “YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME YOU'RE A CRIMINAL MY OLD BOYFRIEND DIED LEAVING ME SOCIALLY INEPT!”
(exeunt: MEADOW)
Carmela: “Why do you always do this, Tony? Sometimes I wonder if you'll ever let go of your daughter.”
(exeunt: CARMELA)
Tony: “Ey madone this calzone shoot sauce on my shirt.”
(scene: TONY SOPRANO and his psychiatrist JENNIFER MELFI sit in her office)
Jennifer: “So you're still haunted by this ‘Pussy' fellow's death?”
Tony: “Well I killed d'guy. He was one a my best friends. You just don't f'get somethin like dat.”
Jennifer: “So you feel responsible for his death and in turn you are now haunted by his image.”
Tony: “T'reiterate exactly what was jus said yes.”
Jennifer: “Tony, I think that you had a very deep bond with Pussy and after you killed him you were overcome with guilt. This guilt kept under your skin for a very long time and is going to continue to get the best of you until you come to terms with what you did.”
Tony: “Whatdya mean?”
Jennifer: “Take me.”
(Jennifer knocks everything of her desk and throws her glasses aside)
(scene: TONY SOPRANO, CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI, and SILVIO DANTE are gathered behind a backstage bar at the Bada Bing strip club)
Christopher: “So tomorrow we hit Dougie.”
Tony: “No tomorrow we off Marco n' Sully. Dougie's clean.”
Silvio: “I tought you said Dougie fucked up Joonya's sportsbook.”
Tony: “No dat was Franky Knuckle-Fingers. We did him in on Tursday.”
Christopher: “Wait, so who did we rub out Sunday?”
Tony: “Mark Descalizonibony. ‘Member he did dat ting wit Jessie from Edison?”
Christopher: “'Den why don't we jus bump off dis Jessie guy?”
Tony: “Cuz we potbelly pigged dat sonuvabitch earlier t'day.”
Silvio: “So when a we gonna get Tony Soprano?”
Tony: “Next Fri…”
All in unison: “Ahhhhhhhhh hahahahaha”
Tony: “You bastids crack me up.”
If nothing I've listed sounds like much fun for you maybe you should drop any and all religious inhibitions you have and let loose. Some areas of Ireland allow those observing lent to drop down and get dirty on St. Patrick's Day. It is a religious celebration after all. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go pound on a liter of Jameson Irish Whiskey in the name of God. |
