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Things to do Besides Watch Sports
DO NOT GO TO CHURCH
Written by Nick on February 3rd - 2004

Well the Super Bowl has come and gone, and just as with every year the question is asked, "Who's What's Next?" Well… I don't know. The time period following the Super Bowl has been a blur for me. I've already ranted about the Bruins and Celtics, and honestly college basketball really isn't much better. Close-minded people such as myself are forced to wait for spring training, a pain I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

So this year I decided to alleviate this periodic torture, with a list of things to do in the meantime. Now remember, I'm an extremely selfish person who only accounts for himself, so in no way, shape, or form have I considered anything besides my own interest. Things not included on this list: Playing sports, eating food, watching The Matrix Part Two: Neo is Jesus Christ SWERVE!

So allow me to introduce to you, a bucket of grog Nick likes to refer to as,

THINGS TO DO BESIDES WATCH BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL!

Help out your community

You guys should give back to Mother Earth after she's given you so much! Think of all you've taken from her; natural gases, vegetables, houses, the list goes on and on. It's my personal belief that Mother Earth can karma the crap out of you, and if you piss her off she will cover your body with speakers that forever play that one line of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" that says "Who let the dogs out?"

Nickelodeon used to run a yearly campaign that encouraged kids to help out their communities by participating in trash pickups and old lady helpings. It was called "The Big Help", and it ran for several years.

The way it worked was while watching Pepe Le Pew a commercial would come on telling you to participate in this year's Big Help. There was a number to call at the bottom where you tell an operator how many hours you are going to pledge to The Big Help. Thing was, there was no way of making sure that you did the community service, so I kind of went overboard…

Operator: "Thank you for calling The Big Help, how many hours would you like to pledge?"
Nick: "48 years."
Operator: "E…excuse me?"
Nick: "I would like to pledge 48 years of community service."
Operator: "Is your mother around, little boy?"
Nick: "Uh, no. So what do I get for 48 years?"
Operator: "You mean, like a prize?"
Nick: "Yeah, what's my cut?"
Operator: "I think you misunderstood what The Big Help is all about. There are no prizes, you're just supposed to make your environment a better place for yourself and those around you."
Nick: "Wicked gay, I withdraw."
Operator: "NO PLEASE NOBODY HAS CALLED YET PLEASE D"
Nick: (hangs up, proceeds to break dance to next room)

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Just a suggestion…

Read one of Dan Brown's books

Known most recently for his bestseller "The Da Vinci Code" Dan Brown has made his mark on American literature. The prequel to "The Da Vinci Code" was "Angels and Demons" featuring Robert Langdon in a similar case. The basis of these books seem to follow similar guidelines: a secret cult of some sorts has plans to kill people and Robert Langdon must decipher something in order to prevent this crime. Along the way he meets a broad who is really smart and I like to imagine has a killer bod x 2.

Now I'll write my own Dan Brown book.

THE CODED CODE
By Nick Dan Brown

Robert Langdon woke up in a cold sweat; he was having a nightmare about being attacked by a gigantic telephone that wouldn't stop ringing. Then he peered to his left, a ringing telephone.
"Oh, it must have been my ringing telephone that was responsible for my nightmare." He picked up the receiver and spoke, "Hello?"
"Mr. Langdon, I realize the late hour at which I call you, but surely if you understood my predicament you'd appreciate the honor with which it was that I chose to call you first."
"I'm very drunk."
"Oh….Uhm…oh…."
"Yeah…"
"I guess I'll call someone else, thank-you."
"Yep. Take it easy."
Robert went back to sleep where he would later have a dream that depicted him as a pirate. He fucking loved being a pirate.

To his discomfort he was awoken a second time by the phone monster, his patience was beginning to wear thin.
"HAY!"
"…Mr. Langdon?"
"Yeah, it's me. That's just how I screen my phone calls."
"It doesn't seem very effective."
"Hey, who's the scientist here?"
"Er, I am. I'm professor Gerald Spalding, I was under the presumption that you were an art historian, was I misinformed?"
"Nope, that's me."
"Good, I was hoping that perhaps you'd be willing to fly 16 hours to the other side of the earth in hopes of deciphering a code that I won't give you the details of until you arrive."
"Sure, what the hell."
"Great, a plane's waiting for you outside your house."

Mr. Langdon arrived in Switzerland the next day. The scenery around him was breathtaking, and he was half-tempted to call this entire ordeal of in attempts to capture the sights around him. He then got lost in a McDonalds' bathroom stall.
When he broke free from the sacred tomb he proceeded to the laboratory as instructed. He was greeted by a short man with several pairs of glasses on. Though it did strike Robert as odd, he didn't ask him why. He was sure that's all anyone ever asked him. "Gee why do you gots so many glasses, perfeser? You read like 4 books at once? Lol!" Robert was not about to fall into this trend, he was no follower.
"Mr. Langdon, it's an honor! Please, sit."
"Why do you have so many glasses? You dumb or something?"
"No one ever asks me that, really. So few people ever ask me why I wear multiple pairs of glasses that I don't even have a proper response calculated ahead of time. Really, you'll have to give me a few days to get back to you, because I'm never asked that."
"Ok, let me give you my AIM screen name, you can just send it there. If I'm not online I'll have an away message up or something. It's GiveMeABJ23."
"We have business to attend to. This way." Mr. Spalding proceeded to guide them both down a narrowing hallway, various doors on both the left and right that Robert could only imagine as offices. He was terribly mistaken. They were all filled with Sacagawea dollars.
"We have a growing problem, Mr. Langdon, it appears that the janitor has been pilfering from our supply closets. He's been leaving intricate notes that seem to lead to his next strike, with again another note. I was hoping that you could help us crack the code and find this son of a bitch!"
"Is that him over there?" Robert questioned, pointing to a janitor with two arms full of pencils and staplers. The janitor then jumped behind a plastic tree, peeking from the safety of a large green leaf.
"Where, I don't see anyone."
"Maybe you should take all of those glasses off of your face, you might actually be able to see."
Professor Spalding was skeptical, but this Langdon fellow seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, so he followed his advice, taking all the glasses off of his face.
"Sweet Jesus you were right! There he is! And these notes he's been leaving aren't intricate at all, they're just I.O.U's!"
"Robert Langdon solves another case!"
"Yup!"
Then Max Payne busted in and bullet-timed everybody to death.

The End

Tear off Janet Jackson's booby patch

Write something clever about Janet Jackson showing off her booby.

WACKO JACKO'S WACKO KIN-O REAVEALS-O HER-O NIP-O!!

I will now convey my thoughts and emotions as Super Bowl XXXVIII began it's halftime show:

"I sure hope Kid Rock plays 'Bawitdaba'"
"What's this crap? Janet Jackson is stupid"
"What the hell are those two guys doing in that dune buggy?"
"Hey, alright, Kid Rock's playing 'Bawitdaba'"
"Justin Timberlake is so cool, I wish I could dance like that"
"Oh good, Janet Jackson is going to sing some more"
"Hey, there's Justin. He's so cool"
"This is so lame, I wish I had ordered The Panty Bowl"
(Titty)
"…"
"…"
"Was that a pasty or does she have really messed up nipples?"

Gona have ye nekid, by de end a' this article lol

Five points to anyone who can find me an actual picture of her booby. I needs me a desktop background. Don't tell my parents, they don't like it when I see naked women!

Well, I hope I've helped you cut your losses this sports off season, maybe this year you won't resort to heavy painkillers. In emergency cases just pop in season one of "Two and a Half Men" and pretend it's funny. I really have no idea what I'm going to do until baseball starts. Please, somebody help me this is really going to be the year that I lose it.

Go sox…

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee