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Spider-Man's 21 Worst Villains
With the success of the Spider-Man movie franchise,
everyone has chosen to ride Peter Parker's jock. He was always my favorite as
a kid, and to this day I'll consider buying something with Spider-Man on it,
no matter how stupid or illogical. I almost bought a Spider-Man alarm clock
the other day, but I figured Parker had something better to do than stare at
me while I'm asleep.
One of the defining characteristics of a good hero is the quality of his rogues
gallery. Batman has the Joker, Superman has Lex Luther, the X-Men have Magneto
and Captain America has the Red Skull. Heroes are nothing without villains,
and Spider-Man is no different.
The first Spidey movie featured the Green Goblin; the second featured Doctor
Octopus. And there are so many more greats for future films...The Lizard, Electro,
Kraven, Venom, the list goes on.
And sometimes, well, the list goes off. When that happens, I've made a list
for you to regroup with. Listed below are the absolute worst Spider-Man villains
as compiled by a lifelong fan of the comics, cartoons, and films. Some are memorable,
some are wastes of time, and others are men made out of bees. But regardless
of who they are, they are with me always, and I think they need attention.
21. The Big Wheel
Real Name: Jackson Weele
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #182
Powers: A crooked embezzler drives a huge wheel with two waldo-arms, missile launchers, and some guns on it. The wheel acts as an outer shell to protect the driver from attack.
Why he made the list: Driven to the
cusp of suicide by the Rocket Racer of all people (a black guy with a super skateboard),
businessman Jackson Weele enlists the creative services of the only villain in the Marvel
Universe with a name worse than "Rocket Racer" ("The Tinkerer").
Tinkerer, as his name suggests, dicks around with electronics and comes up with a deadly
machine of revenge: A giant wheel with wacky arms that can roll up walls and crush things.
Weele becomes "The Big Wheel," and his plan, other than to be made of cheap
plastic and carry himself, his driver, and some cheap Dukes of Hazzard decals down the
front yard hill, is to find and crush the Rocket Racer. Why? Because Racer made fun of his
last name. Oh well, that's black people for you.
Spider-Man, who is barely involved, traps the Rocket Racer on top of a building. Seeing
this as his opportunity for greatness, Big Wheel revs up his Big Wheel and goes flying up
the side of the building. Spidey moves himself and Rocket Racer out of the way. Big Wheel
goes up and over the building, down the other side, and into the harbor. He sinks to the
bottom, having never taken the time to learn to operate the machine properly, where he
remains, his testicles giving hope to clams with lowered expectations.
20. Montana
Real Name: Unknown
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #10
Powers: A mob enforcer who's lasso "resembles a living thing, completely obedient to its master's will." Meaning that he won't win any fights with Spider-Man, but if Montana's robbing a bank and the hero who shows up to foil them is a baby cow, then baby, it's on.
Why he's on the list: One-third of the
"Enforcer" gang working under the aptly named "Big Man" during his
quest to take control of the New York mob scene, Montana chooses to creatively use a rope
instead of just shooting people. To his credit, though, the rope was LIKE A LIVING THING,
and was COMPLETELY OBEDIENT, meaning that if Montana got home from a hard day of making
circles around things that fucking rope was heating up his Beenie Weenies.
The other two Enforcers were Ox, a strong man, and Fancy Dan, who is both a master of judo
and a capricious notion. In a world where the second-tier Spider-Man villains can shoot
lightning out of their hands a rope or a studious knowledge of leverage are pretty ass,
and Montana usually went down to a kick to the stomach or head. Most of the time he could
get the lasso around Spidey's arm or leg, but that usually (always) resulted in Montana
being thrown into a wall, because he just connected himself via rope to a guy who can
throw trains. C'est la vie.
Montana was last seen being called a "whore" on the phone by his boyfriend Vaj.
Oh, and "Fancy Dan" would've been a much better title for John Goodman's failed
homosexuality sitcom than "Normal Ohio."
19. Cardiac
Real Name: Dr. Elias Wortham
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #344
Powers: Taking the film "John Q." to the next level, Cardiac attacks and beats up people who don't share his views on health care with a stick that shoots lightning. Cardiac's fighting ability with STOP YOUR HEART~!
Why he's on the list: Cardiac is as
SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK~! in his mission to avenge his brother's death from rare
disease. Medical care was denied to the brother because he WAS a brother, and because the
medicines and procedures required weren't deemed cost-effective.
Swearing revenge against Sapirdyne Chemicals, Dr. Wortham dedicated his life to advanced
medical research, becoming so prominent and knowledgeable in the field that he was able to
replace his heart with a beta-particle reactor, replace his skin with a virbranium mesh
alloy, and fly around using a stick with wings on it. Because it makes perfect sense that
anybody with the capacity for abstract thought grand enough to change his own physical
makeup to better suit his goals for vengeance didn't have the brain power as a teen to
tell his brother to stay out of the fucking chemical waste puddle. And I've already made
one joke about black people in this post, I'm not going to incriminate myself by making a
joke about how the black scientist gave himself racing stripes.
The anti-hero is currently inactive, having been placed under CARDIAC ARREST~!
18. Hydro-Man
Real Name: Morrie Bench
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #212
Powers: Morrie can transform any and every part of his body into water. Which means that if you accidentally drink some of him you better hope he doesn't become solid again, because you might end up with a wiener in your stomach.
Why he's on the list: Hydro-Man is
probably the most well-known villain on this list, appearing in over forty issues of
Marvel comics since 1981. He's a prime example of a villain not having any idea how to
creatively use their power.
Take a lesson from Bruce Lee (or Spike Spiegel, depending on what kind of dork you are).
Water can take any form. It can flow along slowly or beat down aggressively, right?
Relaxing your entire body (to become like water) is the only way to react to any movement
and use your opponents excessive force against him. Now imagine that you've gained the
ability to literally become water. You can disappear on a dampened city street. You can
crush your opponent with a stream of pressure equal to a driving waterfall. You can't be
shot, stabbed, or even punched.
So what do you do? You make yourself squishy and try to jump onto Spider-Man. And that's
why you're the goddamn Hydro-Man instead of Earth King, and that's why you're defeated by
an errant power cable in 39 of the 40 issues you've appeared in.
17. Corona
Real Name: Dagney Forrester
First Appearance: Spectacular Spider-Man #176
Powers: If ingested en masse, she can improve the chances that college girls will sleep with you.
Why she's on the list: Unlike any
other Spider-Man villain to date, Corona is the result of a science experiment gone wrong!
You know, the world isn't in as bad a shape as it's in because of war, famine, poverty, or
hatred. It's because the city of New York worked diligently from 1960-1990 to endow every
pissed-off person it could find with ridiculous super powers and weaknesses.
Do you think the Green Lantern is powerful? He has a power ring. Corona can melt and
destroy anything she points at or that touches her. Do you think the Green Lantern's
weakness against the color yellow is retarded? Corona is susceptible to foam and
"power siphons," which means you can beat her ass using shaving cream or battery
amperage. Sadly, Corona associates better with the term "lemon" than she does
with "lime."
16. Tombstone
Real Name: Lonnie Lincoln
First Appearance: Web of Spider-Man #76
Powers: Lonnie is an albino (seriously) who is HARD. Hard like a TOMBSTONE.
Why he's on the list: I don't know, I've always liked Tombstone, because when he shows up you know the Undertaker is almost done wrestling. And, much like the pizza, Tombstone causes miscommunication amongst dying cowboys.
15. Princess Python
Real Name: Zelda DeBois, which is also the name of a video game owned by
Progressive Boink's Jon.
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #22
Powers: Princess Python is a circus performer who one day decided to use her act (controlling a thirty-foot snake) for evil. Thank Christ the guy who scoops up the elephant shit didn't decide to turn heel.
Why she's on the list: Zelda belongs
to objectively the worst and most ineffective crime syndicate in the history of comics:
"The Circus of Crime." Their job is to entertain people with feats of skill and
wonder before hypnotizing them and stealing from them moderately. Almost 100% of their
schemes involved hypnotizing someone to do their bidding for the four pages before
Spider-Man caught on and stopped them. The Circus of Crime sucks. You could send Princess
Python to the store for a quart of milk and she'd come back hopping bowlegged with Captain
America's shield crammed up her clam.
The Circus' worst defeat is undoubtedly the loss to Howard the Duck. You may remember
Howard from his self-titled film debut in which a woman has sex with a duck puppet.
Anyway, Howard fights the Circus and defeats Princess Python by biting her on the nose.
She runs away, sobbing. I'm not kidding you. That's like two panels away from getting
browbeaten by D.A.R.Y.L.
14. Boomerang
Real Name: Fred Myers
First Appearance: Tales to Astonish #81
Powers: Besides showcasing old episodes of The Flintstones, Boomerang earns his keep in the Sinister Syndicate using his jet boots and a variety of gimmicked boomerangs. His favorites include electrified boomerangs, sonic blast boomerangs, and a boomerang that is a hyper sexual take on the TV Classic Leave it to Beaver.
Why he's on the list: Fred Myers was
originally a pitcher for a baseball team but decided that a life of crime was a more
profitable game. Thus he became the assassin known as Boomerang! And now finally the
astronomical salary of former Baltimore Orioles pitching failure Ben McDonald is
rationalized; they didn't want him hitting cops in the face with a javelin didgeridoo.
Basically his super power is that he's pretty good at throwing, putting him on par with
softball superstar Jennie Finch. His costume, featuring awkwardly protruding points along
his chest and head, puts him on par with softball superstar Lisa Fernandez.
13. Vermin
Real Name: Edward Whelan
First Appearance: Captain America #272
Powers: Vermin has mental control over small beasts (rats, dogs, Jojo) and has an enhanced sense of smell, causing some heroes like the Punisher to corral use him as an exaggerated smellhound. This is all very interesting and a far better use of the artist's time than character development or having the Punisher shoot somebody.
Why he's on the list: Stan Lee states
that the Incredible Hulk was created as a way to express his inner feelings of inadequacy
and rage. Dr. Doom was created as an allegory for how he felt scarred and needed to hide
behind a hard, cold outer shell. So how do you creatively express the trauma of child
molestation? By having a fondled black guy turn into a huge rat!
The worst part of it all is that as Vermin, Edward is susceptible to the fears from his
childhood trauma. The worst of these is the fear of pain. So all Spider-Man had to do to
beat him was kick him in the nuts and he was down. But it was never that easy. And God
forbid you ever get Vermin and the Lizard into the same room. They each had to add twenty
S's to every word they said. The dialogue alone would give you epileptic seizures.
Vermin: ooooh Ssssspider-Man!!!
Lizard: Yesssss, we will kill Ssssspider-Man!
Vermin: H-h-he will ssssssuffer!
Lizard: go on
Vermin: SSSSSear his flesssh!!!!
Lizard: exssssssssspound
Vermin: That's really all I had to ssssay. *distracted*
Oh ssssshit isss that your penissss???
Lizard: WTF no I am a lizard and subsequently have a tail.
Vermin: *runs away crying*
12. Black Fox
Real Name: Unknown
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #255
Powers: None.
Why he's on the list: In a world with
characters like The Big Wheel guys like Black Fox really aren't that bad, but what he is
and has been is a colossal waste of time and money.
The Black Fox is a catburglar who wants to pull off one last heist to fund his retirement
in the French Riviera, but he can't quite get it done because he runs into super people.
He's come across Spidey, Silver Sable, and Dr. Doom, each time fabricating whatever lie is
necessary to have Spider-Man save him from trouble and then let him run free. Spider-Man
eventually realized that dealing with an untrustworthy old man is a waste of his and my
time, and carted the Fox off to jail. But not before he could make NINE APPEARANCES.
Walking into a comic shop and seeing Black Fox on the cover of the new issue of Spider-Man
is like walking into your home to find your child naked and humping the Big Bossman WWF
Wrestling Buddie. Lemony Snicket can Lemony Suck It, because the most unfortunate event of
all is prying your child's thrusting member from the clenched plush buttocks of Ray
Traylor.
11. Painter
Real Name: Wilhelm von Vile
First Appearance: Strange Tales #108
Powers: Uh, it's hard to say. The Painter could use his brush and paints to create anything in his imagination, and then bring that painting to life. So imagine him as kinda like Bob Ross, only painting ANGRY LITTLE TREES and ROCKS THAT WILL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET SO WE CAN USE THEM TO ROB THE BANK.
Why he's on the list: Sometimes
writers don't even try. "Let's have a character paint things that come to life!"
Sounds like a good concept. Now could you take the time to explain why and how he can do
these things? The Painter's origin goes like this:
He worked as a counterfeiter reproducing classic paintings as his own. He got sent to
jail, where he escaped via underground tunnel into a magical cave where cave paintings
gave him the magical ability to paint magically. I'm going to say this and I want you to
pay attention: The writers were on drugs.
I don't say this in the facetious LOL kind of way either, I'm not implying that the ideas
are too "far out" or "crazy." I'm saying they were on drugs because
they took a month to draw twenty-plus pages of comics featuring a magical painter and
charged people money for it. If they weren't on drugs they'd recently had a lobotomy,
performed by a laser from the moon. You stupid assholes. How about a guy with a gun?
10. Swarm
Real Name: Fritz Von Meyer.
First Appearance: The Champions #14
Powers: Swarm is a NAZI COVERED IN BEES. That's his power. He's also easily defeated by insecticide, or a large piece of mesh plastic on the end of a metal pole. Who the shit is going to mess with a NAZI MADE OF BEES? Ich bin HIVE Berliner.
Why he's on the list: Swarm likes his women like he likes his coffee. COVERED IN BEES.
9. Facade
Real Name: Unknown
First Appearance: Web of Spider-Man #113. Having your debut in "Web
of Spider-Man" is like being born into a country like Rwanda. Good luck.
Powers: Quick, name the super power of every character created in the 90's. Time's up. Facade had a suit of powerful biomechanical armor that allowed him to shoot plasma bolts and be super tough. Thanks a lot older people who feel that the things they loved as children have to become mature now because they've grown up now and have some kind of rights to it. Thanks a lot. Can't wait for the next appearance of Facade, or the new hyper realistic Zelda game where bullet-time gives Link the edge against impossible odds.
Why he's on the list: A large portion
of Spider-Man villains and allies created between 1989 and 1999 were two-dimensional tough
guys with guns or ray guns. Anybody remember Solo? He was a ONE MAN ARMY. He would show
up, shoot at people, and then teleport away, possibly into one of the seventy pockets on
his thighs. Most of these guys belonged to nondescript organizations with acronyms.
Facade is the worst of these, decked out in the F.A.C.A.D.E. armor (Full Acclimation
Combat And Defense Explo-skeleton. Yes, "Explo" skeleton. Yes, like an exploding
skeleton. Like when you whip one in Castlevania.). Using this armor Facade can be so
awesome and deadly that he
8. Stegron the Dinosaur Man
Real Name: Vincent Stegron. His maiden name is Vincent THE DINOSAUR.
First Appearance: Marvel Team-Up #19
Powers: According to the Black Panther, Stegron "possesses the impregnable hide of a true dinosaur" so that "he recognizes no pain." Why the Black Panther was trying to impregnate Stegron's hide and make him feel pain is of no consequence to me, but I'm pretty sad that Spider-Man met a guy named "Stegron the Dinosaur Man" and had to have it explained to him.
Why he's on the list: Stegron combines
the two worst things about Spider-Man villains.
1) He's a scientist who MAKES A MISTAKE and becomes obsessed with Curt Connors' Lizard
experiments, steals dinosaur DNA from the Savage Land (an artificially created island
where dinosaurs live, which was obviously not a point of inspiration for any string of
movies about a dinosaur island ever made), injects it into himself, and becomes a dinosaur
man. He uses these powers to ride other dinosaurs and shake his stick at people. He's done
battle with Spider-Man and would be higher on the list if he wasn't primarily a nemesis of
Ka-Zar. Ka-Zar is, of course, the Marvel Universe's answer to Tarzan. He had his own
extremely popular series for a while until all the pages got bogged down by ads and
spyware.
2) He can't pronounce his fucking S's, just like Vermin and Lizard.
Stegron: I am king of the dinosaursss!
Vermin: Oh I ssssssee.
Lizard: Yes very interesssssssting.
Stegron: Sssssso let'ssss sssshare our thoughtssssss on Ssssspider-Man.
Steven_Hwang_FSU: Any hot ladies in this room want to chat with a sexy
20/m/fl type 696969
Vermin: no
Lizard: no
Stegron: no
Stegron: 696969
Lizard: LOL
Vermin: lol
Vermin: Ssssstegron you sssssso crazy
7. The Walrus
Real Name: John Lennon Hubert Carpenter
First Appearance: Defenders #131
Powers: After dodging one of the Walrus' punches, Spider-Man gloats about how fast he is. Walrus has one of the funniest responses ever: "Yeah, well - Don't underestimate ME, pal! For your information, I've got the proportionate speed, strength and agility of a WALRUS!" Of course, a walrus is bigger than a person, so his powers are being slower, weaker, and less agile than a fat sea cow.
Why he's on the list: Some people in
the Marvel Universe just aren't cut out to be heroes and villains. They're the people who
ride on trains, get mugged in alleyways, and throw rocks at the Green Goblin to show that
they'll NEVER FORGET. The Walrus is one of these people, and is taken as seriously by the
writers, readers, and characters as any man dressed as a Walrus with a big rainbow
"W" on his chest should be.
To his credit, he did participate in my vote for the greatest fight scene in the history
of comics.
BWAH-HA-HA!!! The Walrus' nemesis, however, is another story.
6. Leapfrog
Real Name: Vincent Patilio
First Appearance: Daredevil #25
Powers: Patilio is a middle-aged diabetic who creates and pilots a frog suit that allows him to jump the equivalent of six stories. The frog suit also gives him the ability to swim quickly underwater but gives him limited mobility on land, so basically he's just better off wearing the Tanooki Suit or hopping into the big green shoe.
Why he's on the list: How can you be
the arch-nemesis of The Walrus and not make it onto the worst list? Vincent Patilio was a
worthless inventor always on the brink of bankruptcy (and being supported by his wife), so
he makes a frog suit and tries to make some money committing crimes. He runs into Iron
Man, which is like going into a bar to pick a fight and running into Jet Li covered in
GUNS AND IRON, and gets sent to jail. When he gets out he figures out a way to blackmail
an equally bad villain, the Walrus's partner "White Rabbit" (a chick in a bunny
suit), accidentally "helps" Spider-Man bring her in, and collects the reward.
Spider-Man goes on being a poor photographer while Wilford Brimley in toad spandex gets
rich and retires.
Also involved in the frog-action is Vinnie's son Eugene, who is kinda retarded and goes
off with good intentions as "Frog-Man," doing battle alongside/getting in the
way of Spidey. I know it sounds like a bad wrestling joke but it's true, he really does
have a stupid son named Eugene. It's all very funny until you realize that Electro is
sitting at home microwaving popcorn with his fingers and the Green Goblin is somewhere
carving portraits of the cast of Roseanne into the face of his pumpkin bombs.
5. Silvermane
Real Name: Silvio Manfredi
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-Man (vol. 1) #73
Powers: YARRGH HEY GUYS I'M AN EXTREMELY OLD MAN HOOKED UP TO A LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM THAT I USE FOR EVIL. LOOK OUT GRRRR
Why he's on the list: ROAR
What's he going to do, shit himself cybernetically?
4. Spot
Real Name: Jonathan Ohnn.
First Appearance: Spectacular Spider-Man #98
Powers: The Spot is a man covered in spots who throws spots. Each of the spots is supposed to be a portal to an alternate dimension of half-light and half-dark, working as a portable space warp that allows The Spot to sneak up on and defeat any adversary. That is, any adversary who doesn't kick his cunt for looking like he should be hanging off the butt of a Dalmatian.
Why he's on the list: The Spot got
arrogant about his ability to appear and disappear at will and decided to test out his new
abilities in battle with a super hero: The Black Cat and Spider-Man were the first to show
up. Spot used the element of surprise to warp the Cat blocks away, stepped through his own
portal, and announced himself triumphantly to Spider-Man as "The Spot."
Spider-Man collapsed on the building, laughing at him. That pretty much tells the story.
The problem with Spot is that if he was anything other than a scientist (like a boxer, or
a wrestler) he might've posed a thread. But even when you don't know where the punches are
coming from it isn't going to be that big of an inconvenience to be punched by a
scientist. A skinny guy who engages in minimal activity is about as threatening as a guy
who looks like a cow's dick, and The Spot is both.
3. Critical Mass
Real Name: Arnie Gunderson
First Appearance: Marvel Comics Presents #49
Powers: He's a fat guy. And he shoots lasers out of his hands!
Why he's on the list: At this point
it's not really important to tell you WHY he's on the list. Look at him. He's an
abnormally fat guy in a purple and blue jumpsuit.
Spider-Man recalls Arnie as the fourth grade bully who used to beat up poor Pete and steal
his lunch money. Arnie has grown up and outward into an evil mutant who, despite being
super fat, has the proportionate strength and speed of somebody who is super fat. Fat guys
are the easiest guys to beat up because they're huge, so they think nobody is going to
mess with them, and therefore are usually as tough and strong as an eggplant. Try punching
the next fat guy you see. I bet he crumbles like a ton of lard bricks.
Anyway, Arnie forms a brotherhood of evil mutants called the Band of Baddies, which would
be an awesome sequel to the HBO miniseries, and kidnaps a mutant girl. Then he picks a
fight with Wolverine and Spider-Man. He ends up under a pile of rubble in a completely
destroyed building, decomposing and being eaten by New York City sewer rats for what'll
probably be the next four thousand years.
2. Chtylok, the Che-k'n Kau
Real Name: Chtylok
First Appearance: Sensational Spider-Man #13
Powers: He is a giant mixture of cow and chicken. I swear to God. In leather pants.
Why he's on the list: For fucking with
the minds of those protesting cows at Chick-Fil-A.
Chtylok is a deity worshipped by savages in the Savage Land, where he dines on human
sacrifices and Slim Jims. He's a chicken and a cow and about six times as big as the
Incredible Hulk. I don't understand and I want to die.
So, who is worse than THE CHE K'N KAU?
Nobody.
1. Hypno-Hustler
Real Name: Unknown
Only Appearance: Spectacular Spider-Man #24
Powers: The Hypno-Hustler is a jive-walking black soul Disco singer who uses his goggles and evil boots of death to hypnotize music lovers, alongside his backup band, "The Mercy Killers."
Why he's on the list: Nobody is worse
than the fucking chicken cow. But Hypno-Hustler was a villain I absolutely LOVED as a kid,
and Spectacular #24 is still one of my favorite comics. He's the epitome of horrible,
drug-induced comic creation and an all-around monument to the awesomeness of stupid things
aimed at young people.
Peter Parker and all of his friends decide to have a night out at "Beyond Forever
Disco," where the featured act is the Hypno-Hustler. I don't know about you, but if
I'm Spider-Man I'm going to be suspicious of a guy who calls HIMSELF the Hypno-Hustler.
GUESS WHAT HE DOES. He hypnotizes the club and robs it blind, but decides to dick around
long enough for Spider-Man to show up, web-balls in ears, to take him to jail.
Yes, I mentioned "evil boots of death" in the powers section, and those are
precisely what he uses with Afro-American precision to battle a guy who can crush guns and
punch your face off. His first attempt at offense is with DEADLY GAS from the boots. When
that doesn't work the boots spring knives. Spider-Man calmly removes the headphones of the
Mercy Killers, which causes them to be hypnotized, which leads to some mercy killing on
one of the most ridiculous and, shit, retarded concepts in the history of the recorded
world.
I love you, Hypno-Hustler, you subtle bastard. This list was for you. What bad luck you
had to pick the one club Spider-Man was hanging out in to rob. You deserved so much better
than the chicken cow, the snake lady, the bee-themed man, and the forty appearances of
Hydro-Man. You deserved equality and respect, and you got nothing.
You didn't land on Beyond Forever Disco. Beyond Forever Disco landed on you.
Excelsior, Hypno-Hustler.
