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Soul Man
Bringing honor back to
the church
Written by Nick on September 16th - 2003
I want you all to do me a favor. Take five minutes out of your day and sit down with a piece of paper and pen. Now pretend that you’re important and that you have to come up with a new idea for a sitcom. If any of your figments run along the lines of “Rebel turned Reverend rides around on a motorcycle”, get out of my article. Bonus points if you wrote, “Mr. Bean gets hit in groin with football”.
First off I should say that I really don’t find much television to be worth watching. I enjoy baseball games, Saturday Night Live, and miscellaneous stand up comedy. That’s pretty much it, given the indefinite masses of pornography I have committed to memory. It’s the dreg programs that air during primetime that make people like me listen to Sharon Osbourne tell Ozzy he should have his penis uncircumcised.
My extended example of such this evening is going to be Soul Man. Showcased in 1997 in one of ABC’s luxurious primetime spots. I’m pretty sure the ABC suits didn’t have much of a choice; I mean, listen to this plot and tell me it isn’t Seinfeld 2 material:
Mike Weber, played by Dan Aykroyd, is the adult product of a childhood of trouble. He went by “Wild Child”, being part of the ruthless “Blacktop Vampires”.
Time out. Blacktop vampires? Sounds like a bunch of art fruits draped in all black decided to hang out on the basketball courts for an afternoon, only to remember that their AOL minutes were going unused.
Mom! I told you not to pick up the phone!!!
Anyway…
Where was I? Oh, right. So Elwood Blues was on a mission from god. Wait, that was when Dan Aykroyd was respectable, how foolish of me.
Mike Weber, now a reverend at his local parish, raises four children by himself. His late wife, Dan Aykroyd’s Pride, died just before the pilot episode. Lucky for him, any less than four children and you can be excommunicated on the spot. And you thought the family that dressed their 12 kids all in the same clothes just liked to bone. It’s a social status. Double-digits are a sure sign of positive attributes, far superior to the untouchables with no fruit. “Gee, I live alone to handle the multi-management tasks necessary to keep my prosperous career from derailing, I really wish I was dislodging a Lego from my 2-year-old’s throat right now. I sure regret having sex with the first woman I ever loved, now that I’m doomed to spend my entire afterlife in a desolate pit of fire. I now know that contraceptives are only tools of the devil, and that two people should only express their emotions physically when they want a 6th child.”
Cue opening credits: (Cheap cover of Soul Man Plays, Aykroyd rides by on Harley). Aw man, I never knew that going to church could be so much fun! I sure hope he does a neat trick off the altar. I’m sure that Jesus would have had a billion apostles had he ditched the sandals and rode a hog on water. Picture bibles with 3 page photo spreads of the messiah jumping pyramids of beer kegs. I’m telling you, if that guy resurrected himself a bike he could’ve skipped town on this Pontius Pilate character. Not the sharpest crucifixion nail in the box, if you ask me.
Commercial break, ratings fall through the floor, and we’re back. Enter Mike Webber, wearing a deacon’s collar and all black.
Mike: “Gee, talk about a rough day, I thought I’d never finish molesting all those altar boys. SHEESH!”
(enter 8-year old daughter Meredith)
Meredith: “Hi daddy. Where’s mommy?”
Mike: “Mommy died, sweetie. It was in the Lord’s plan that she be taken to heaven at this time.”
Meredith: “The Lord’s plan sucks.”
Audience: “(gasps, appalled at such blasphemy and slander)”
(youngest child, Fred, enters with frog in his hand)
Fred: “Look, daddy, I killed this frog to further prevent the torture and personal hell he was experiencing for being in shade of the wisdom of God.”
Mike: “Aw, I’m sorry Mr. Frog, but it was part of the Lord’s plan.”
Frog: “(blatant voiceover) The lord’s plan fuggin’ blows, maaaaan.”
Audience: “(laughter, scattered applause, old man in back throws pretzel)”
That was pretty much it for season one, all 3 episodes. 3 fucking episodes. I don’t think Jesus Christ himself could make church interesting for an hour and a half. He’d have to pull out some of those miracles he’s been saving for a rainy day, like levitating or opening the saran wrap off of a CD. Why only 3 episodes, you ask? Well, most of the show’s budget went towards the forgery of fan mail, convincing Aykroyd that his show was funny. Yeah, paper’s pretty expensive…
So season 1 ended and life resumed as previously imposed, the everyday Christian walking with an orthodox sense of self-concern with no mention of his god or the convenient system of mathematics and prayer required to overpass a puddle of bad stuff. Then Sunday, when he is told what he believes while nodding in unison with his fellow member, all of who are searching for confidence and the assurance that the hellhole of a life they lead now is not the end, but that there must be some way out of the ditch they dug themselves.
But then, in what is appears to be a severe time of need, god gave sign that he’s the real deal: Season 2.
HOW? WHY? BANANA PHONE? I wish I could answer these, but unfortunately us mortals aren’t capable of understanding the power and direction by which a magnificent being works. This is evidently so with such a plague cast upon the general public. Justified? Big deal. Fair to kids like me who don’t have friends to hang out with on Wednesday nights? Hell no. Fuggin’ blows, maaaaan.
We suck. On Thursdays. Sorry Nick.
(Mike Webber dances in, whistling somehow relevant choir verse)
(Enter oldest son, Kenny)
Mike: “Hey son, what is up, IN THE DIRECTION OF HEAVEN?”
Kenny: “Uh…nothing Dad, just grabbing something to eat before I head over Dan’s for the night.”
Mike: “Don’t forget to say your prayers out loud before you go to bed, especially the parts about God.”
Kenny: “Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you. Your whole vocation and all, it just isn’t for me. I just feel restricted by having a belief set upon me just because of who my father is.”
Mike: “Especially the parts about God.”
Kenny: “Dad, you’re not listening to me. I don’t believe in god.”
Mike: “You…didn’t even capitalize his name…”
Kenny: “I don’t like church, I don’t like singing, and frankly seeing you in a dress once a week sorta creeps me out.”
Mike: “You know about my Tuesdays?”
Kenny: “I was mocking the cloak you wear at Sunday mass, what’re you talking about?”
Mike: “(throws glitter in son’s face, runs away)”
The only thing that could send this show into the immortal depths of “Shitty stuff Nick writes articles on” is a premature guest appearance. It was inevitable, people. Cue John Goodman.
John: “Mike! Good to see you, you crazy S.O.B.!”
Mike: “God Bless.”
John: “Wh…what’s that collar?”
Mike: “Oh, this old thing? It’s my leash, me being God’s bitch and all.”
John: “Oh… Well, you want to go to the bar and pound some brews?”
Mike: “Sure.”
Yeah, John’s character probably wasn’t named “John”, but fuck him.
So these two “HETEROSEXUALS” head to the local pub for some lager. What unravels is probably the shittiest bar fight imaginable. A mere text description could not capture the uselessness of this scene. I honestly think I remember John Goodman hitting a guy on the head with a stick of gum.
As if this weren’t enough, Mr. Goodman now turns this ‘comedy’ into a ‘soap-opera’, telling Mike of this plane crash he was involved in. I guess their best friend through high school was piloting the plane with John and he died during the crash.
How many time-outs do I have left? Two? Ok, I’m using one of ‘em. What dumb shit would step into a plane with John Goodman? I’m surprised they could get the thing off the ground, let alone high enough to cause fatalities. Another thing, how does John Goodman, probably 400 pounds of slim jims and car batteries, limp away from the scene after plummeting roughly 13,000 feet down? That must’ve been one helluva seat belt, buddy.
The show was still missing something, besides a decent plot, accurate portrayal of the church, acceptable gradient between characters, a bald fat guy, and a computer animated version of Martin Lawrence shrieking ‘WUZAP!’ during the opening credits. BOYD! Reverend Tod Tucker!
Next time you won’t mess with the Photoshop master, punk.
Not only was this show going to ruin the image of a washed up leather bag, but was now going to scar this young star for the rest of his professional career. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. THE SHOW MUST END.
July 1998: Last episode of Soul Man airs.
Damn Straight.
-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee
