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An Evening at My Sister's
Room
written by Emily on march
23rd - 2004
If I were to die tommorrow,
there is but one thing, one certaintly that I could take to my
grave with me: I am a terrible older sister. Not a terrible
person, mind you. I never sold my sister's Christmas presents to
pay off my bookie, nor did I ever choose to re-enact the tv movie
"My Son Johnny," in which my sister (Corky Nemec)
refuses to stop crying because I (Ricky Schroeder) killed her
(his) cat years prior, so then she shoots me to death. I just. .
. well. . . .I steal all of her good clothes, even brand new
ones, but flip completely the fuck out when she even glances
longingly at my favorite old lady blazer. I make her feel bad
about her taste in movies and music, as well as her hobbies, even
though I'm more than aware that at 16 I listened to Limp Bizkit
and Kittie, and lied about my age to a woman in a ticket booth so
I could see "Varsity Blues" on it's opening night. I am
a 21 year-old woman who regularly beats the shit out of her baby
sibling because I think I should get to ride shotgun all the
time, even though she totally does call it. I just. . . suck at
being nice to her. Am I a bad person? I doubt it. Am I a highly
selfish person? Yeah, I think so. Do I still, when no one is
around, listen to Kittie? . . .what? Nah man. . . pfft. . .
Kittie. . . no. . . no I don't. . . . I dunno where you heard
that. . .
Despite this, my sister's not a bad chick. She's smart, funny,
and a pretty talented writer. And aside from that one time she
wanted to buy a Social Distortion t-shirt from Hot Topic, and I
had to explain to her that Social Distortion is a band, and not a
clever combination of noun and verb by the Hot Topic wordsmiths,
she seems to have her head on straight. However, it occurred to
me that if ever I'm to get my shit together and start behaving
like the older, wiser (if considerably more drunken and neurotic)
and more sage Rowley sister, I must acheive a greater
understanding of what it is that makes my sister tick. Who is the
person behind all of those Lord of the Rings-themed photoshops?
What lurks beneath the surface of each and every one of those
shirts with the little smiling cartoon bunny saying something
like, "you suck," "boys smell," or "I
wish your grandmother would contract cancer, you cocksucking
piece of shit. LOL I THROW ROCKS AT STUPIDS!!!!" And,
perhaps most importantly, what is the appeal of all those shitty
fake punk bands she listens to? I set out, camera in hand, to the
wilds of That Room Right Down the Hall, looking for answers. The
following documents what was found.
EDIT: Okay, so originally this post was me taking pictures of Katie's room and then giving hilarious commentary about them. Turns out? That's not very funny. Or may I'm just not funny. I should quit the internet and take orders for Wakeupfrankie.com. So anyway, this is just sort of a smorgasboard, still kinda about my sister. Call it, "Better Living Through Emily's Sister," or something. I don't know. Next week I'll post pictures of boobs and talk about putting razorblades in my vagina, or whatever it is you guys expect out of me.
Lita: A Stream-of-Conscious essay.
My sister really loves Lita,
as do many young women who watch professional wrestling. To her,
Lita is a refreshing departure from the normal cookie-cutter, big
tittied blonde that normally occupies space in the WWE. Instead
of being that overly tanned Barbie doll archetype, Lita is a
fiery redhead with a monster tattoo. Rather than prancing around
in skimpy bras and g-strings, she comes to the ring in fishnet
tops and clunky boots. Instead of evening gown matches and cat
fights, Lita jumped into the fray with the men, pulling off
moonsaults and hurricanranas to prove how \m/hardcore\m/ she was.
I'll admit that when I started watching wrestling (about 2 1/2
years ago, at age 19), I too was initially excited by the one
they call Lita. Not only was she something different visually,
she was also the one woman in the fed (this was back when Mighty
Molly didn't get much tv time) who seemed to have a genuine
knowledge and love for the sport. She wasn't a fitness model
turned valet, she really wanted to wrestle. I thought it was
awesome that young girls who watch the show had someone they
could look up to. And yes, while I'm more than well aware that
90% of female wrestling fans are only watching because Edge gives
them girl wood, the fact remains that there are, in the crowd, at
least a couple of little girls who truly enjoyed the matches. And
they probably didn't want to be Torrie Wilson when they grew up.
So, though I found it annoying how her thong stuck out of her
pants, at first glance I was pretty impressed by the former Amy
Dumas.
. . . then I saw her in a match. Or rather, I saw her run out
during a Hardy Boyz match and fuck their shit up, which is pretty
much all she did for a year before breaking her neck. I saw her
try out a pretty "eh" moonsault, and then pull off her
shirt 'cause she's such a bad ass.
It was over then. Not because of her run-in, not because she took
she shirt off, but because she's just. . . not very good. And
it's so obvious that she thinks she is. I won't shit on her as a
person, because if nothing else she seems genuine in her
altyness. But like. . .learn some new moves, would ya? I mean, the girl carries the WWE-inscribed torch of
"the most innovative woman in the history of the
business," but she can't even be bothered to get good at her
boyfriend's finishing move.
What I can't figure out is why I care. Among my sister's many
good traits is the fact that B and I have managed to imbibe her,
in a very short time, with a more than passable Smark point of
view when it comes to wrestling. Yes, she does get really excited
watching Edge, but when it comes down to it, she cried when
Benoit won the championship, and I love her for that. So why is
it necessary for me to point out, as often as I can, how much
Lita sucks? Why can't I just let it go? Am I so jaded and bitchy
that I can't just let her like that one bad wrestler? Yes, I am.
And here's why: Lita can be divided up into two equal parts,
Wrestler and xPunkRockChickx. She gets a giant < symbol on both counts. You want female wrestling?
Watch the ghetto-bootied virgin snapmare Trish Stratus twenty
times in a row and then inevitably get pantsed. Or be really
creative, and find tapes of Japanese Joshi girls putting the
entire WWE cruiserweight division to shame. You want a subculture
heroine? Worship Exene Cervenka. Worship Francesca Lia Block.
Hell, there's even LITA Ford for name recognition, though she's
kinda old and craggy these days. The point is: Lita's never going
to go away if you keep telling her she's good at stuff. Some day
soon I'll have a giant tattoo on my bicep, and I'll have a
picture taken of me moonsaulting off my couch onto one of the
male P-bois. Then young girls can adore me. Until then. . . just.
. . no.
Brother Fucking.
Now, let's make one thing very
clear: despite how it may look, this post was not intended to
make fun of Katie at all. Any of the jokes I may make about her listening to Good Charlotte or obsessing over hobbits is nothing she hasn't
heard before, and she takes it in stride. At the end of the day,
despite our constant bickering, she knows I'm just messing with
her, 'cause I was a douchebag when I was in high school too. BUT,
if there's one thing I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND about her, it's the
addiction to VC Andrews novels.
For those who don't know, V.C. Andrews is the author of several
series of novels, and is very popular with teenagers. You may
have seen the Kristy Swanson movie version of her first novel,
"Flowers in the Attic," which featured an evil
grandmother and hints towards incest. In fact, every book she's
ever written is about evil grandmothers and incest. Every book
she's ever written has the exact same cover, and they all
have matching back cover blurbs. Like, it's one thing to
obsessively read the Harry Potter books. It's one thing to waste
valuable brain power learning The Stone Cold Truth.
But . . .how does one read thirty books about a young girl forced
to live in a creepy mansion with sinister old people, then falls
in love with her cousin? HOW?????? There's not even a joke here,
I just demand answers!!!
. . .okay, not really. But! Since I can't imagine any of you
reading this have any idea what I'm talking about, I've decided
to distract you with a
V.C. Andrews-themed Mad Lib!
When ______(day of the week, month, or Prince protege)
_________(generic last name)'s _______(relative)
was __________(means of death), she lost the
only family she'd ever known. Forced to live with her ______ ,
_____(two adjectives) Aunt Vera at her _______(upperclass
location in New England) estate, _______(repeat
day of the week, month, or Prince protege) longs to
break free from the ______ , ______(two adjectives
suggesting cold and lonely) walls of _________(whitebread
sounding name for a big house) and pursue her dreams of
becoming an _________(cliche profession that young girls
would relate to).
It is only when she meets _______(type of metal, or birth
name of any comic book super hero) that _______(repeat
day of the week, month, or Prince protege) can once
again feel at ease. _____(fire-related ajective),
_____(Fabio-related ajective), and reckless,
_________(repeat type of metal or super hero) is
her only release from the ______(bitch-related adjective)
Vera. But, when their _______(plural, loins-related noun)
reach the breaking point, a _____(synonym for old)
family secret threatens to tear them apart. What will happen to
the lovers. . . WHEN _______(plural noun)
_______(noise or collision-related verb)!
Feel free to post your results in our Progressive
Boink forums!
Also, for a fairly in depth review of "Flowers in the Attic," click here. You'll find more creepy/hilarious pictures like these.
Taking Pictures of Things and Talking About Them: A Mattbeth Tribute.
Here we have a shelf full of
Care Bears. There are three things I should point out as wrong
with this picture:
1) There are several different Care Bears represented here,
because my sister doesn't have a favorite bear. Why is this?
Because she's too young to have any actual rememberance of when
the Bears were popular, yet she latches onto them out of a false
sense of nostalgia that all in her generation have acquired.
We're so desperate to remember the past fondly these days that
nostalgia has found its way clear into the late '80s. Thusly,
kids who were born in that time period have grown up with nothing
but "hey remember when we were kids?" mentality all
around them, and have failed to procure any pop culture that they
themselves can look back on when they're in their 20's and 30's.
Today's teen will make a Vh1 special in ten years all about,
"hey remember when we were young and all we did was remember
when other people were young? Those were the days."
2) In the front right corner, you'll see a Care Bear on his
knees. This is Bedtime Bear. Why is he on his knees? Because he's
giving a Bedtime Prayer. Let me repeat that: the cartoon bear who
makes images come out of his stomach, is praying to the Christian
God before going to sleep. This bear, WHO LIVES IN THE CLOUDS AND
IS THEREFORE ALREADY IN THE SPACE THOUGHT BY MANY TO BE OCCUPIED
BY HEAVEN, is a Christian. It turns out that anthropomorphic
animals who represent, among other things, the sun, the moon, and
the earth, aren't Pagan heathens like we all thought. So,
parents, you can all sleep easy tonight, and tommorrow we'll
stage a burning of all Polly Pocket merchandise, to prevent out
children from believing in the Faery Folk.
3) That fucking bear is wearing a trucker hat. Jesus, Katie.
Here is another picture full
of stuffed animals. John
Malkovich is fucking terrified of that closet man.
And here we have some
food-related Lord of the Rings merch. Because lord knows my
Pringles taste that much better when I can think about Aragorn
slaying orcs while I eat them. And just the other day I was
thinking about how sad it is that writing, "MRS. SAMWISE
GAMGEE, HOBBIT" on my bedroom wall over and over again has
cut into my orange pop-drinking time. But there's just no way to
enjoy the citrusy refreshment and still think about Sam. Then I
found that can, and realized all I'd been missing and more.
Hey guys, I realize this wasn't much of a tribute. I didn't try
to parody Matt's style or anything. I'm just so frazzled at this
point that I figured if I tried I'd just wind up saying,
"DOROTHY ZBORNAK" over and over in 36 point font.
. . . *sigh* all right.
DOROTHY ZBORNAK DOROTHY
ZBORNAK DOROTHY ZBORNAK DOROTHY ZBORNAK
Four Hundred and Fourteen Words About This Picture of Heath Ledger
I was walking through the mall
not too long ago, and spotted a couple with their arms around
each other. The girl was fairly plain looking, and she wore a
light pink crocheted hat. Her boyfriend was tall, thin, with
several piercings and your basic "I bought this vintage tee
for $80" look about him. He was also wearing a scarf, light
pink just like his girlfriend's hat. It was very obvious to me
that this boy was a closet case. I started thinking about that
one highschool couple, made up of a frumpy girl and her gay
boyfriend. I kind of wanted to be that girl in high school, in a
sexless relationship that at least afforded me fun mall time.
Then today as I was photographing Katie's room for my post, I
couldn't help but notice how many of these Super Sexy young
actors look, in photographs, a little. . . pansy. Now, granted I
know that to look at an Elijah Wood picture and make a
"Frodo more like homo LOL" joke is like shooting that
Queer Eye guy from the Pier 1 commercials in a bucket. But
instead of a bucket, shoot him in the face. Oh, and instead of
that guy it's really Kirstie Alley. And Kathy Najimy. And maybe
even Daryl "Chill" Mitchell. But that's not the case
with all of them. Ashton Kutcher, while being one of the more
obviously retarded members of the Hollywood community, and hardly
a "man's man" never comes across in an interview or
movie as anything more than what he is: a dipshit frat dick. Yet
you see him in like, Teen People, and they've got the cheek dew
and lip gloss on eleven. Maybe "gay" is the wrong word
to use? So instead, pretend I said "dandy."
So I began to wonder. . . what is it that makes young girls
attracted to boys who look forlorn and delicate? I'm not without
fault here. When I was about 18 I used to sneak into the living
room after my parents were in bed to watch "Queer as
Folk" and titter as the highly gelled hardbodies got all
sweaty and then made out. There was nothing I loved back then
more than androgynous boys in eyeliner and tight shirts. But, now
that I'm older, you know what I do instead of mooning over gay
guys? I get laid. So maybe that's the difference.
What we've learned here is that girls think they enjoy skinny
boys with floppy hair until they start having sex. Then they just
want big cock.
Thanks for comin' out guys! See you next week!
- Emily
imsophiapetrillo@yahoo.com
AIM: Roxymoron87
