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Rudolph's
Shiny New Year |
In the vast recesses of my memory, I have a vague recollection of going with my dad to purchase our first VHS recorder. All I really remember about the event was that a far wall seen through something of a threshold to my left had that thin wood covering with the tiny holes punched through so you could hang things on it, & that one of the guys who worked there had a mustache. Also I was probably being hyper-ADD & obnoxious, because that's just what I did up until... alright, yesterday. The important thing is we got our first video recorder, after which my mom proceeded to record every special TV event for the next decade. As I'm sure you've noticed with your own taped-off-the-TV videos, we could never quite get the timing right. We'd always either miss the first few seconds of the special, or include the last bit of the commercial before it. And my mom tried to save space by stopping during the commercials, but the same bad timing would occur, & there would always be a few seconds missing. And by a few, I mean like ten. We had the same VCR since like 1983 or 4 before the front panel broke off & enough buttons crapped out & it was finally deemed unusable. So it was a little slow on the uptake that hey man, we want you to record this. So as we'd try to tape more things onto the cassette later, it would slowly grow into a giant, jumbled mess. That is what's left of my beloved Christmas special tapes. Sixteen hours of broken up specials & clips of commercials of Christmas past. A good five minutes or so are clipped off of each end of some of them, & I had finally grown sick & tired of stupid Santa & the Three Bears cutting in every time I tried to watch Heat Miser & Snow Miser kiss & make up. Go away, Santa & the Three Bears. You were long & boring back when I was six; there's no way I'm going to sit around & watch you now. Heh, what do you know? I can't even find that tape. I can only find the other one, with the better known specials on it. I guess this year was a better time than ever to finally go out & start my Christmas collection over in DVD format. I even made sure to go early so they wouldn't be sold out of stuff... & I still had to go to three frigging malls before I found the Year without a Santa Claus. And that's when I discovered that they managed to cram two extras onto the DVD. One was the story of Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, which was pretty much just a variation of Rudolph's plight that traded in Santa's need for a guiding light one foggy Christmas Eve for Mary & Joseph's journey to Bethlehem. The other was one that I all but blocked from my memory...
Rudolph's Shiny New Year was the first of an Attack of the Rankin/Bass Sequels in 1976 that also included Frosty's Winter Wonderland & the Little Drummer Boy, Book II. Now here's the thing: I loved the Rudolph special as a kid. LOVED it. To the point where I covered up the black nose of the reindeer-shaped stocking that I got from Pizza Hut or wherever with a red one, which I cut out of paper & colored with an almost dried-out Crayola marker. Even now, I have a display of little figurines that I have up in my bedroom year round.
So when I heard that Rudolph saved the New Year as well, I made a point not to miss it. And it was ok. "Just ok?"
Rudolph seems to have devolved back into a younger reindeer between saving Christmas & setting out on this new adventure. Which, according to the special, "began on that very same foggy night." It took me a while to figure out how any of that is even possible. Does Santa Claus not start time up again after his Christmas Eve voyage until he's on his easy chair reading the Times? Or maybe they're going with the "Santa travels at light speed" theory, & that's shaved a few years off of Rudolph & the gang. That would explain why the big guy's lasted for so long. And I was [ ] that close to bringing ocarinas into this, until I remembered where Santa lived.
Doyyy. It's been that very same foggy night at the North Pole since September. We actually find out that it's the night of the 25th from a letter Santa receives from his old friend, Father Time, asking for his help to find the missing Baby New Year. Can't they find another understudy baby to take his place for the coronation ceremony? I hear Dakota Fanning & her scary teeth haven't done anything for thirty seconds. Give her a call. Then again, this is a letter to Santa Claus from Father Time, two symbols made flesh. So finding this Baby New Year must be as urgent as the tone in Santa's voice & Timey's writing make it sound. But it doesn't seem to waver the spirits of Santa's elf messenger.
Here we see Santa's old age catching up to him as he spends two seconds too long trying to think of how anyone could find a baby in such a heavy snowstorm? Alright, brain, think... what did we do last time there was a heavy storm? Come on, it was a frigging night ago. Think think think think think cookies No, but now I'm hungry. Thanks a lot, jerk... Oh, that's right, you
"VWOOOOOOOOOOO" is the best way I could think of to describe the sound Rudolph's nose makes when he turns it on. It's like Mega Man X charging up his gun. I'd hate to be near that reindeer when he's angry.
Aw look, he's a clockwork soldier. Though he's dressed like a British guard, his accent is that of a Southern gentleman... if he spoke only in rhyme. Only Father Time would think making the love child of Foghorn Leghorn & Wordsworth the Junkyard Cat wear a British guard's uniform makes perfect sense. Ticker leads Rudolph to the Sands of Time, a desert at the edge of which lies Father Time's castle, just underneath that bright...
Oh, for Christ's sake. Literally. Alright, we'll go with it. Rudolph has to cross a desert land to see a man who lives under a star about a baby who must be found in order to save the world. And how are they going to do that in six days' time?
Why, on the back of a camel with a clock for a hump, of course! His clock, however, doesn't move, thus earning him the name of the Great Quarter Past Five. Or "Quart," as Rudolph asks permission to call him. Apparently Quart's got a reputation that's reached the North Pole. Actually, I'm really not sure where the Sands of Time are in relation to the North Pole. Maybe they're not that far from each other. It would make sense for a place where all the time zone meridians meet to have every member of the animal kingdom have a clock for an external organ. Alright, so we have travelers on camelback following a star to find a baby. What else are we missing?
Ah, yes. Giant angry bird. How could I have forgotten? The buzzard doesn't really give our heroes any
trouble besides flying over their heads & laughing like a goofy
parrot. But Quart informs us that he's searching for the Baby New
Year as well, for his own purposes. It turns out that the buzzard,
Eon the Terrible, has a set life span of one eon, after which he'll
P.S. U + Me = Us <3 If Eon's intentions were to slow the company down, he screwed up, but that just made them run faster & comb the desert for Father Time's castle more quickly.
We ain't found shit! No it's over there.
o sry Father Time sure has a thing for hoping you see what he did there. Between making everybody wear giant clocks & the news ticker scrolling on his castle, he doesn't miss a beat. Alright, wait. That full headline reads, "BABY KANGAROOS BORN IN AUSTRALIA." That's not news. Baby kangaroos are born in Australia all the time. Don't they outnumber people down there? Show me a headline that reads "BABY KANGAROOS BORN IN GREENLAND" & I'll pay more attention.
And here's the ol' bastard now. Father Time's been
the one narrating the story for us, & between the wisp of colored
hair on the top of his head, & his comment that Rudolph's nose
is as red as his hair once was, It's made blatantly obvious that
the man providing Timey's voice is none other than Red Skelton.
You know, the Ol' Pops explains the importance of the Baby New Year to Rudolph with a song about how he's the physical manifestation of time marching on in a continuous cycle. The song is actually kind of eerie sounding & reminds me a little — in tone, not rhythm — of "Older" by They Might Be Giants. Great, now I'm rooting for Eon. Nice going, old man.
With that out of the way, Father Time tells Rudolph a little about who he's looking for. The Baby New Year's name is Happy, & it turns out he ran away from the castle because everybody laughed at him. You see, underneath that fancy top hat lies a set of Dumbo-sized ears. Well, it's not so much Happy's ears that make everybody laugh as much as it is the accompanying Boioioioioing when he takes off his hat.
Jeez. General Ticker even laughs in iambic-whatever. If I had to put up with that, I'd run away, too.
Rudolph, of course, immediately feels Happy's pain, having had to put up with similar crap about his nose. Then he says, "Gosh, I wish he would've come to me." Hey Rudolph, you only saved Christmas last night. Nobody even knows who you are yet, ok? Father Time suggests that Happy might have gone to explore the Archipelago of Last Years, a group of islands that acts as a retirement home for all the old years gone by. So that's why he's so anxious to get Happy back. He wants to get on his frigging island & live the good life. Timey explains that the way to the Archipelago of Last Years is pointed out by a giant sundial at the point where the Sands of Time meet the Sea of Auld Lang Syne.
And, just in case we're stupid, Father Time had Terry Gilliam put a hand on the end of the sundial with a finger pointing that way. Thanks for insulting our intelligence, buddy. Rudolph sets out to sea on a little wooden boat with a calendar for a sail, just in case anyone forgot that this is a New Year's special & a year is a measurement of time. Speaking of measurements of time, here comes one now LOOK OUT
Eon's back, but instead of doing something useful to him like tipping Rudolph's boat over or tossing him into the sea, he just swoops down a few times & goes NYAH NYAH I'M GOING TO FIND HAPPY FIRST. I would like to submit that Eon the Terrible is not very good at being terrible.
Help arrives in the form of a whale named Big Ben, who comes complete with a clock on his tail that lets out a familiar bong to let us know that it is now nine o'clock, & all is well. Besides, you know, the annoying bird flying around overhead. Big Ben trys to persuade Rudolph that he'll be safe if he rides inside his mouth. Go on, Rudy. Hop on in! You sneaky son of a bitch. Wait, I think that makes too much sense to be insulting... baby whales are called pups, right? So... But Rudy's no fool. He suggests it'd be better if he rides on top of Big Ben, who was having a hard time talking with his mouth full of reindeer anyway. Ben manages to scare off Eon & takes Rudolph to his first stop, the island of the year 1,000,000 B.C.
Rudolph quickly runs into the friendly Homo erectus that was once the year One Million B.C., or "O.M." for short. During his long retirement, he seems to have traveled the Archipelago enough to
So as O.M. tries to cheer up Rudolph's doubts that he he'll find Happy in time with a song about it raining sunshine, his dinosaur buddies march out from behind the bushes and
OH NO THEY HAVE HIM SURROUNDED!
Oh, they're singing? Ok, awesome. O.M. does recall seeing a baby on the island, & says he made friends with all the singing dinosaurs after he saved the egg of a baby pterodactyl. Then it accidentally knocked off Happy's hat and
Well crap. This doesn't help Rudolph's search very much, but as an old year, O.M. realizes the gravity of the situation & agrees to help look for Happy. Together they hop on Big Ben & start searching the rest of the islands.
It looks like either just the islands important to world history are represented in the Archipelago, or they're the only ones big enough to put on Father Time's map. So those are the first ones that they search. Unfortunately, they didn't have much luck for the next two days. It seems that the important islands are also a little too wrapped up in themselves to care. 1492 was too busy discovering things, all 4000 B.C. cared about was building pyramids, & 1965 was apparently too noisy for Rudolph. I'm not sure whether Rankin/Bass is making a statement against the beginning of the Vietnam War, or against that blasted rock 'n roll devil music. Either way, Happy wasn't there, & their next destination was the island of 1023, which is apparently when every fairy tale we've ever heard took place. And that means it's time for a musical montage of familiar faces!
For the record, the spider hasn't seen him, either.
Fortunately, Rudolph does add an extra member to his search party in the form of retired year Sir Ten-two-Three, who sounds vaguely familiar behind all his clanging, not to mention his thou's & -eth's...
Give up? Alright, Here...
So while Rudolph, O.M. & Sir Gorshin are beginning to think that their search for Happy is becoming hopeless...
Oh, of course you guys couldn't go all the way around the stupid tree. Alright, we might as well see what little Harpo is up to.
Why, he's making himself at home in a stranger's empty house, eating their porridge & breaking their furniture! What could possibly happen next?
hang on i messed up
There, that's better. I mean AAAAAAHHH A BEAR
The bears actually take it pretty well when they find who's responsible for breaking & entering. Baby Bear takes a quick liking to Happy, & adopts him as a friend. This moves Happy to a tear of joy, followed by Mama Bear, & at least half the people watching. Papa Bear, on the other hand, sighs & says, "Another mouth to feed? Well, at least he likes porridge." Then Kelly Bundy walks in & all the guys in the audience whistle at her. Jeez, Dad.
Baby Bear takes Happy outside & teaches him how to play Knights & Dragons, in which Happy is the knight who slays the fierce dragon with his mighty twig. Then Baby Bear explains that Happy's supposed to pose triumphantly over the fallen dragon with his helmet removed, and ... oh. Happy really doesn't want to take off his hat, but he doesn't want to break the rules of the game & piss off his new friend, either. So...
I just realized how disappointed someone typing Boioioioioing into a search engine is going to be when they find their way here.
Naturally, the bears can't help but laugh, & Happy says screw this noise & bolts into the forest before Baby Bear can catch up to him.
Meanwhile, Happy's search party gets bored of looking for him all day & start singing Sister Hazel songs to pass the time. Then Rudolph realizes they're making up the lyrics as they go along, & that ain't good enough for him. So they stop & watch the sunset instead. wait that's not the sunset
AWW NUTS!
Rudolph & Company quickly hop on Big Ben & chase after Eon before the he can gain too much ground... or air, I guess. I was trying to avoid making it sound like '90s basketball commentary, but I guess that's not going to happen. What matters is that Big Ben manages to blast Eon with an airhole full of whale saliva & knock Happy out of his... grasp... Oh God... not again. Every time I try to write something... Must... fight...
Oh, fuck it.
You're gonna be the death of me, kid. So Happy is swept away by the wind until he runs into the string of a kite being flown by the old year 1776, who bears a more than striking resemblance to...
TV's Doctor Snuggles! But since everybody else
in this special gets to have a stupid nickname, 1776 tells Happy
that he can call him "Sev." He also tells Happy that he
just so happens to be in time for
OH NO HIT THE DECK
Oh boy, here comes the parade around the bend! Happy can't wait to... wait, what's that, Sev? Yes, I see the flag. What do you... hey, what's everybody doing? Oh... oh crap. Meanwhile, Rudolph & his friends finally make it to shore, but... well, the flag got there first.
It's so nice to see that Colonial Ringo Starr & his family got such a kick out of Happy's ears.
Eon is once again the first to find Happy, & this time he manages to get a head start back to his home, the icy Island of No-name. As if the (lack of a) name of Eon the Terrible's island wasn't terrible enough, Father Time informs us that it's located "due north of the North Pole." So what then, it's suspended in space hovering over the top of the planet? I think Father Time might be losing it a bit. Hurry up, Rudolph! The old year's going senile.
It's 11:30 on New Year's Eve by the time Big Ben finds the Island of No-name. Rudolph & his team of old years have one challenge left before they reach Happy, & that's to SCALE THE ICY WALLS OF THE AGGRO CRAG. Unfortunately, O.M. slips & brings the rest of the party down with him... followed by an avalanche courtesy of Eon that covers them all in four neatly packed little snowballs.
Impressed by his apparent victory, or probably just his efficient snowball making, Eon cheers for his triumph as he secures Happy in his nest of ice & snow, confident that he won't have to become one with it in a half hour as he curls up & falls asleep.
BUT WAIT!
Fool, snowballs are no sweat when you got a light saber for a nose!
Rudolph is out of his snow prison & up the mountain in no time. Perhaps he remembered that he was a frigging magical reindeer & could just fly up there. Whatever his preferred mode of travel, he finally reached the summit to find happy and A GLOWING PIECE OF THE RADICAL ROCK. Oh, never mind, that's just Rudolph showing Happy his nose. It makes the baby laugh, & he doesn't even realize that that's what he's been running away from the whole damn time. Then Rudolph is surprised that Happy hasn't heard of him. Jeez, Rudy. What's up with this ego you've suddenly developed? You went for a ride with Santa Claus a week ago, & now you expect everybody to know who you are? Luckily, Rudolph's just modest enough to let Father Time cut in & sing his song for him...
which was composed by Johnny Marks & written by Robert L. May! They seriously made a point to put in the credits that the song "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was going to be played in this special. Boy, you guys sure know how to ruin surprises! I'm pretty sure there's some legal mumbo jumbo behind that. The same reasons why you can't sing "Happy Birthday To You" on the air without either acquiring the rights or paying money. And you thought they were making up their own birthday songs at Disney World to be creative.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we take a break from stop animation for a cel shaded cartoon version of last week's events as Father Time sings Rudolph's story. That (the story, not the cel shading) convinces Happy, albeit relunctantly, to show Rudy why he keeps running away from everybody. Boioioioioing. Of course Rudolph laughs a little, but gets control of himself in enough time to explain himself. It's not like Happy's going anywhere. Rudolph explains that he couldn't help himself. Something inside him burst out into laughter, & that's not to be mean. Those ears were actually making people happy.
Well holy crap, Rudolph. You just said the magic word! Happy loves the sound of his own name so much, that upon realizing the true effect of his ears on people's emotions, he goes into a loud giggle fit & exclaims his own name at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately, Happy is exactly the opposite of what Eon is when he wakes up & finds Rudolph in his nest. But Rudolph has one last trick up his hat, & hey, it worked for dinosaurs. Why wouldn't it work on a giant buzzard?
Sure enough, Happy takes off his hat for good, & it's enough to make Eon laugh for the first time, & he laughs so hard that he falls out of his nest.
How convenient! Now it'll be a little easier to carry their frozen bodies back to their respective...
Oh, they're alive. And hey, it turns out that Eon will be, too, because no one with that much happiness in them could ever turn into ice & snow! Aww, a happy ending for everybOH NO IT'S MIDNIGHT
No way Big Ben will get them back to Father Time's before his tail strikes twelve. And apparently Rudolph can't travel that quickly on his own. Well, it looks like we're all doomed to be frozen in time forever.
Just kidding Santa's here. Gee, he sure managed to find his way through the fog just fine without Rudolph. I know he had to rest a little from his big night, but couldn't he have put in an extra hour or two after the storm died down a bit to help out a little? It hasn't even snowed anywhere beyond the North Pole since the 26th. Less talk, more sleigh, I guess. Despite moving about 20 miles an hour on screen, Santa manages to get Happy back to Father Time's castle just in time to be crowned at the 12th bong of the clock. And that's when Timey tells us that Happy becomes the year "Nineteen-Wonderful." I don't know, guys. I know it's a variable year, like 20X6 (which hey, is next year!), but I think I totally missed 19wonderful without realizing it. Did you guys feel anything?
Well, after one last runthrough, I think I can put Rudolph's Shiny New Year to bed with no hard feelings. It's still not very shiny as advertized, but I don't think I want to go as far as to demand Father Time to give me my 50 minutes back from watching it. Do you?
Oh yeah? Well I hate you too, jerk! |
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