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| Scorpion |
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Your president has lied to you.
I know you don't want to hear it. I know people don't want to believe it. But it's time to wake up, America. Your leadership has failed you. The president has sentenced thousands of innocent Americans to death in an unecessary war. The threat of terrorism is real, that's true. But the way to fight it isn't by rolling tanks over villages and bombing orphanages so rich men can get richer off Iraqi oil and American blood. There's only one real solution to the threat of terrorists. I know it, your government knows it, and it's time you should too.
 Karate Jeff Foxworthy. Made in 1987, Scorpion is a movie scientists estimate that no one has ever watched, which makes it a perfect candidate to be released on DVD. It stars real-life karate champ Tonny Tulleners as Steve Woods, aka special agent Scorpion, a man of mystery who speaks multiple languages, beats up people, and drives a Porsche. I'm still undecided on how one is to pronounce a name like "Tonny" -- whether it's Tunny, like the nickname for a fat kid, or Tawny, like a cheap stripper. Or it could just be Tony and this is the male equivolent of spelling Christy as Kristti. Dotted with a heart. From what little research I care to do, it seems Tonny's only real claim to fame is having beaten Chuck Norris in a karate championship, which I suppose at some point meant something. The film opens in Spain, with our man Scorp stopping into a bar to order a brew and show off his impeccable Spanish.
 He seems to be sitting next to It's Pat, but he's cool about it. Of course, this being a bar, someone is legally obligated to start some shit, and soon enough some drunk with Vacuu-Suck Pants is harassing a girl and her boyfriend. I'm sure you get the idea -- the boyfriend is a weenie who gets shoved to the ground, then the bar owner gets shoved to the ground, then Scorpion and his moustache step in to take down the bully and his friends with a few well placed dance moves.
 Si usted patearía un hombre en el pezón, usted podría ser un "redneck" Note the sledgehammer in the background, there for no reason other than to be used as a weapon by one of the bad guys. But Scorpion has little time to bask in the afterglow, as he's soon called home to the US. He's taken immediately to the airport, where a group of DIA agents have assembled. Terrorists have hijacked a plane, conveniently waiting for Scorpion to get to the US first before doing so, and are making demands. The plane is fully loaded with passengers, and time is running out. It's a tense situation, and everyone looks grim as
 Goddammit Jeff, put some fucking pants on. Are you a terrorist, is that what this is? You're one of them? If we don't meet your demands you're going to expose the entire world to a precise outline of your dick?
 "Bad news, Steve. Terrorists have hijacked a plane. They're going to allow us to put one man onboard, to confirm that none of the hostages are hurt. We know who that man has to be." ... ... ... "You, Steve. It has to be you. Now they want to be sure you don't have a weapon on you, so you'll need to find a pair of shorts to change into."
Ooh what a co-inky-dink ;) Goddammit Jeff.
 Man, this is bogus. I didn't sign up for this. I was a decorated war hero, I don't need this kind of--aw, shit. Aw, shit. That was a squish, that was definately a squish!
 There was an audible squish in these fucking shorts! And it wasn't me! I'm about to go get fucking shot while stewing in somebody else's ballsweat. I hate these people.
 I don't even care about stupid hostages anymore.
 Okay.. you guys? I'm coming up. But.. no making fun of my shorts, all right? Can we set some ground rules on that? "Nice panties, babydick!" Aw, now c'mon guys, I thought we saidHoly shit.
 "HELLO MISTAR POLEESE OFFEESUR!" Haha, wow. Howdy. Anybody ever tell you you look like Cat Stevens if he caught rabies? "YOU ARE HEER... TO SEE THE PASEENGURS ARE ALL RIGHT?" What accent are you shooting for, exactly? "WELL! LOOK AT THEEM! THEY ALL LOOK OKAY TO YOU?"
 Uh, hey, when am I going to get my peanuts? Actually, they all look kind of bored. "NOW.. YOU GET ON THAT MICRAPHONE AND YOU TELL THEM... THAT EVERYONE IS ALL RIGHT!" Well now wait a minute, that one guy doesn't look like he's in very good shape. "..WHAT GUY?" The one over there with the SQUISHEDFACEhiyah!
 BIFF! Scorpion manages to disarm/facekick three different guys, grab a gun off one of them, and then whirl around to shoot the female terrorist at the other end of the plane, all while the reality of all this lumbers its way from her optic nerves to her brain, then the command to actually aim her gun at the guy beating the shit out of her commrades takes a leisurely jaunt down her arms. By the time she's actually moving..
 ..you might be a DEADneck Too late. The bad guys are cuffed, the passengers are filed out of the plane, and another day is saved. Time to kick back at the hero's humble abode.
 ..In a harbor. Master of martial arts, speaker of several languages, high-ranking secret agent, lives in a houseboat. Fellow agents and friends Gordon and Phil stop by to see him, and Gordon reads off a news article recounting the heroic rescue. Unfortunately, the newspaper mentions that the agent involved in the rescue was identified as Steve Woods. Fortunately, however, everyone immediately forgets this. They basically build this entire scene around the revelation, and then it never goes anywhere. Gordon even says "so much for Scorpion, huh?" and then Scorpion continues to operate as normal for the rest of the film. So I don't know what all this fuss is lately about a CIA agent being named, apparently it means nothing. "Boy, that's a tough break, Steve. I don't know how this got out. This could jeopardize our whole operation, I don't think--"
 "Hey.. Hey guys? If.. I started playing a flute right now, for no reason.. would that.. would that be gay?"
 ...
 "..What? Phil, what the hell have we told you about that? You have got to work on your sense of humor. 'Non sequitur' doesn't mean you can just shout out some completely random statement and expect it to be hilariholy balls he's got a flute."
 "C'mon guys, just one song, real quick. I promise."
What in the unholy goatramming fuck is wrong with you Phil?
 "C'mon, serious, it'll be awesome. Watch, watch, I'll play Aqualung. It'll be great."
 ....*sigh* I hope this fucking boat sinks. The celebration doesn't last long, though. The next day, Steve, Gordon and Zamfir have been called away on a new assignment. The hijackers Steve spinkicked to hell were not here to save Mohammed Abdul Faued, a terrorist currently being held by the government, but to kill him before he could talk. The threat has ironically convinced him to cooperate with investigators, but now he has to be protected until he can testify. They hole him up in a safehouse and take turns guarding him throughout the day. In the wee hours of the morning, Gordon's shift ends, and Phil plops down in a chair to start his. Guard duty can be very dull work. I hope he has something to keep him busy.
 Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick
 Allah has forsaken me. But soon, a phone call interupts the recital. The gate guard says there are two men here sent by the DA to see Faued. Crackerjack wit that he is, Phil realizes that two unknown men arriving at 3 in the morning to see a protected witness is slightly suspicious, and calls Steve to ask what to do. Tragically, at the same moment he becomes entranced by the ingenuity of door knobs and this becomes his fatal mistake.
 This file is called knob.jpg. I'm still not sure if it's refering to the door or Phil. As he admires its minimalist yet functional push-button lock construction, Faued sneaks up to the window and pulls open the drapes. Phil has only, oh, ten or twenty seconds to react and stop standing directly in front of the window before a spray of machine gun fire gives his body a few new holes.
 Nyo ho, shouldn't have had that last fajita! Mmm! The killers come inside and survey the damage. With the room clear, they can now move on to their real target. Faued, unable to comprehend that a group of people who blow people up for a living have betrayed him, looks shocked as Bill Nye with a jerry curl steps forward and blows him away using just lemons, common table salt and hair extensions. Steve arrives to find police, Gordon, and probably some fucking caterers already parked outside the house, despite being the one Phil called first. Who called the rest of these people, anyway? And why did they drag Phil out into the foyer? Steve says there's no time to wait for an ambulance, so they toss Phil in the back of a squad car and speed off towards the hospital.
Steve rides along in the back, trying to pump Phil for as much information as possible about who did this; How many were there, what did they look like, what weapons did they use, did their gun racks have gun racks on them. When they finally arrive, Phil is wheeled into surgery under the care of Dr. Howie Mandel and Steve is left to emote as best a karate champion turned actor can while we peer into his goofy past.
 It turns out that Steve and Phil go way back. Lil' Phil's dad once told him he could do anything if he put his mind to it, even push over the statue in the park dedicated to a random man's head. So they find themselves staring at it for a while, and Lil' Steve eggs him on to do it. Lil' Phil pushes all his weight against it but fails, and the two walk off together in silence, apparently overwhelmed by the gravitas of the moment and its statement about man's struggle against his environment. Or maybe Lil' Phil owes Lil' Steve a jawbreaker now, I dunno. The remembrance is interupted by Dr. Mandel coming out of surgery with a glove inflated over his head.
Both the DA and Steve's boss at the DIA show up at the hospital to fill in some required '80s action movie material, including the old standards "I don't want you going off on a personal vendetta" and "you have to do things by the book." But something more sinister is afoot. The two assassins have returned to finish the job on Faued, with one of them carrying a bunch of flowers. They head to the main entrance but stop at the sight of this sign:
 Now, there are a couple things that bug me about this. One, why the concept of security searches takes two professional killers by surprise. Two, what exactly they're worried about having searched. The only thing they're carrying is flowers. I don't think they have a gun in there, though they may have some pistils. Oh ho! Goodnight everybody! Not to be outdone by the stupidity of said hired killers, the hospital's security system is thwarted by the pair entering a side door. Genius. Inside, they ask a nurse for directions.
 Hello, yes, I vas looking for ze intenzive care? My... partner vas brought here after being mauled by ze tiger. She tells them the floor they're looking for, but realizes they're shady characters who match the description Steve has given to the hospital staff. She alerts him to their presence, and the hospital is locked down as they wait for the killers to arrive.
 Is crazy, just zees morning I say to myself, "I vonder what ze Tom Selleck looks like without any muscle mass." Steve, who has already proven himself the master of tense situations, sees them heading towards Faued's room and pulls his gun on them. Whatshisname, uh.. the white guy grabs a nearby candy striper and uses her as a shield long enough for the two killers -- fuck it, the German guy who does stuff and his clingy boyfriend -- to escape to a stairwell. The German manages to sneak out a door and leave the hospital as Steve chases his lifemate down to the parking garage. It seems like the black guy's got the lead here, but Steve's about to unveil a hidden talent.
 See that blurry shape in the background, between the two pillars? That's Steve. He's looking around, trying to find.. You know, I hate to call him Black Guy but for God's sake, that's been the man's one defining characteristic so far. He hasn't even had a line. Anyway, Black Guy turns to his right, peers around the pillar, and...
 Huzzah! I'm magic! Alternate nerd joke: BAMF! Steve was headed towards our left. Black Guy turned towards our left. There's a wall about ten feet away to the left. And somehow, through all this, Steve managed to turn himself into mist or a puff of Old Spice or something and float right by BG's eyes. Then the jackass manages to get distracted by some garbage falling into the dumpster and BG kicks the gun out of his hands so they have to beat each other up. He could be putting his powers to good use in women's locker rooms all across the country and instead he can't even use it to stop a guy from getting the chance to kick him in the spleen. I suppose I should state for the record that the fighting is actually kinda good for a movie like this. The reason characters like Black Guy don't have any lines, or names, is because they're all real martial artists, many of them fellow instructors or friends of Tonny's. Because of this, most of the fight scenes were actually improvised, which gives them a good realistic feel to them. Although I'm still a little confused by Tonny's claim that "most of my fight scenes were improvised simply because that kind of thing can't be planned in advance." So Chow Yun-Fat and Zhang Ziyi climbed some trees one day and Ang Lee said "just dick around for a while, we'll just let the film run"? Steve stalks a wounded BG around for a while like a creep until he finally spin kicks him in the face, which is apparently all Steve knows how to do. And I still find it plausible that he beat Chuck Norris. Meanwhile, the German is still trying to make his casual escape. It's important he doesn't draw a lot of attention to himself, so he calmly walks to his GIANT A-TEAM VAN and drives away. So let's see, that's.. German? Escaped. Black Guy? Arrested. Faued? ... Faued?
 Oops! So the last twenty minutes have been entirely irrelevant because he would've died anyway. In fact, increasingly large chunks of the story are becoming irrelevant. There's an entire side story with Steve using #484 out of the TV Drama Playbook to hide Faued's body and "misplace" his medical charts so they can pretend Faued's still alive, and the DA who thinks Steve has kidnapped Faued and chases him around for the second half of the film like Edward Rooney, and none of it matters a Goddamn lick. Steve is busy checking out leads to find out more about who killed his friend. He talks to the single cop who escorted Faued to the safehouse, where he casually mentions Faued managed to make a phone call because the cop was busy talking to a wall. Yet none of this seemed important to mention earlier. Someone at the DIA must've heard they needed security but misheard it as mind numbing incompetence. Second lead: He calls up one of his sources and asks for any information he can find on Faued. They agree to meet later at the harbor to save on shooting locations.
 Okay, tell me all you've got. I want to know everything about this guy.
 "Well, my sources say they call him the streak. Whhheeeeew!"
This investigation is going slower than expected.
"You don't understand, he's very dangerous! He likes to show off his physique!" As Steve leaves, he notices a giant A-Team van parked near his car. I wonder what that means? Probably nothing. Hey, I wonder why it left the parking lot the same time I did. Hey, I wonder why it's taking the same exit I am.
 Hey, I wonder why it happened to park on this street the same time I di--oh for God's sake, at least try to pretend like you're not following me.
 Steve gets out and starts walking down the street, and the German does so too, while doing his best to look inconspicuous in his spy outfit.
 Vait, vhere did he go? He vas just here a moment ago, I vas with ze following and ze chasing as he vent down ze street and zen--
 BAMF! Mazzafakka! Steve chases the German into a nearby hotel and up the stairwell, where the German stops only to shoot some random guy he bumps into, and fire another shot that nicks Steve's forehead. Well you've just made him mad, now, and the chase continues up the stairs as the honored war hero and top agent leaves the random shooting victim to bleed on the stairs.
 Of course, the only reason they've come up here is so they can fight for a minute, then the German can try to jump to the next building only to barely grab the edge. Steve watches him squirm for a while, with a certain sense of satisfaction it seems, before his opponent simply can't hold on any longer and falls to his death, removing what little dignity he had left on the way down. Steve putts around for a bit and then moseys on back to the stairwell, not in any particular rush to see if that guy laying bleeding on the stairs is still alive. Okay, third lead. They've found who Faued called from the safehouse, who turns out to be his wife in Hawaii. Sort of. The man at the safehouse was actually not Faued, but a salesman Faued paid to impersonate him. The real Faued then killed the wife, killed the salesman, killed Phil, and killed about one hour and twenty minutes of running time in this movie to make everyone think he was dead. Somehow, the DA repeatedly stressed how this was his star witness without ever noticing the guy didn't know any Goddamned thing about terrorism because he was a fake. They then discover that someone using the salesman's name is boarding a cruise headed for Hawaii. They head over and check the boat, but he hasn't boarded yet. So Steve and Gordon sit outside, watching the line of passengers, waiting for the real Faued to appear. As made painfully clear by the whole salesman incident, they don't really know what the guy looks like, they don't have any photo or description to go on, they're really completely lost as to--
 HEY THAT GUY'S BROWN GET HIM!
 FREEZE OR WE'LL BE FORCED TO SHOOT INTO A CROWD OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS TO GET A POORLY AIMED SHOT AT YOU! None too impressed, the Real Slim Faued runs onboard and initiates a lenghty chase scene on the boat, then off the boat, then in a hijacked speedboat being chased by Steve in a police helicopter, and finally to a nearby marina parking lot. Faued's gun jams and Steve has a clear shot at him, which can mean only one thing -- he will holster his gun so they can kick at each other for five minutes. But Faued's no match, and soon Steve is giving him the beatdown and must summon all his strength to avoid punching his fist through the guy's face.
 As the police arrive, Steve walks away, and the day is saved. Well it's not really saved, since all those people are already dead. But the day is avenged, sort of. I guess. The next day, back at the luxurious houseboat, Gordon shows up to tell Steve how he's once again a hero to all children.
 "Steve, do you ever miss Phil? It's okay to say that you do. It's important to share your feelings. Let's talk."
 "Well hey, same to you buddy, I just thought we could talk about.. what are you doing?"
 "Woah, woah. Wow. Okay, I get the message. You don't have to tell me twice."
 "I'll, ah.. leave you two alone." Steve gets up and leaves, making Gordon's trip out here sort of pointless, and heads out to the park. His wife is there waiting for him, and they visit the statue from Steve's memory, the one that had meant so much to Phil.
 Ah. Now it's just time for a final embrace, a music swell, and that'll wrap up the picture.
 Uh Steve, heh, I meant an embrace with your wife, I don't think the statue needs.. Wait.. Wait, Steve, I know what you're thinking, and I'm telling you...
 Steve! Steve you stop that right now! You still have time! Sure the flute thing was a little fruity, but you still have time for this to be a nice, non-hokey action movie! For the love of God, man!
 Take my dollar and don't give me my bag of Fritos, will you? RAARRRGGHH All right, that's it! That's it, I'm going home. Thus ends the tale of Scorpion. Thanks a lot, Steve. |
No, don't mind me, I'll just stay here and bleed. Thanks, dickhole!
Doc? What's the word?
..I'm sorry.
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