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| Santa's Christmas Toy Shop! |
| Happy Holidays, everyone! It's coming on that time again -- the most magical, wonderous time of the year! Yes, Christmas is fast approaching and no doubt your little ones are already dreaming about all the fantastic new toys and goodies Santa will be bringing them in just a few more weeks. We here at Progressive Boink have been doing our own Christmas preparations, but little did we know that we'd be contacted by the man himself, Kris Kringle, for a very special Christmas project! It seems St. Nick wants to get a message out to the parents of all those children preparing their wish lists, and has chosen our humble site as the vehicle to do it. Of course, we were more than happy to oblige -- we don't want a lump of coal this year! -- so what follows is Santa's personal presentation to anyone out there with a youngster or two or twelve on their shopping list, be it your own children, siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces, or just children of friends. We hope you enjoy this rare audience with His
Jollyness, and have a very merry Christmas!
--The Progressive Boink team
hey you shit puddles it's Santa Claus here, ready to work my ass off another year so you can keep your kids quiet for two fucking minutes. well this year things are going to run a little different because fuck you. I mean god if you bastards can't stop having kids then you have to help out with this goddamned thing. i'm 900 years old, i'm supposed to be sitting on my porch reading Guns N Ammo and waiting to die. So this year you're gonna buy some stuff so i don't have to haul everything every kid wants to bermuda and back. It'll make things easier on us at the pole and it'll help protect your rancid nether regions from the deadly fucking santaboot virus. (just so you know there's no known cure for the santaboot virus) We've laid out a whole easy to use catalog of shit your brats will probably whine about, so you've got no excuse not to buy a lot of this stuff and help pay for my hernia operation. So shop on and merry Christmas and happy hanakah and joyful whatever the black one is
kids will probably want this because it uses batteries and makes noise. you could probably give your kid a stopwatch tied to one of those things you turn over to make a mooing sound and they'd eat that shit up. anyway robocrapper comes with a controller and has 40 functions like walk, roar, walk faster, and be expensive. i havent researched all the background for these toys because I'm not a fucking fruitcake but I think this is a terminator from a future world populated solely by Jaguar hood ornaments.
all these figurines take up a lot of room, so the easiest way to clear some space is to start combining stuff, like some of that star ward horseshit and these potato people i've been hauling around for 50 years. trust me, I know what i'm doing. There was a time a few years ago when the elves started loading in thousands of these "tickle me hitlers" and just as many "stand very still elmos" and I was like you gotta be shitting me. So we just mashed the damn things together and boom, instant success. i didn't get to see any of that, of course. i hear a guy at fisher price bought a small country and all the people inside, though, so at least somebody got something out of it.
the nature of gift giving is about expressing your emotions in ways that can't be said in words. it helps to communicate something you may have trouble coming right out and saying. And there's no better way to say "i don't give a goddamn about you" than a gift of fly wheels. santa isn't one to state the obvious but holy cricketdicks its a box with a fucking tire in it. a gift like this is much more effective than coal for putting bums in their place, and besides nothing's funnier than giving some brat the car he wanted one piece at a time. hell, the kid doesn't even have to be bad. give your dean's list jagoff a fly wheel with a note that says "congratulations on never shutting the fuck up about winning the state championship jimmy, here's part of that car you were asking for. place in the nationals and maybe you'll get a little plastic carburetor for your birthday." that oughta knock the little shit down a few pegs.
its been a long time since santa got some styling head for Christmas and he's pretty pissed off about it, I don't mind saying. damnedest thing though the last time it happened it was indeed from a polish chick. anyway you should probably buy this if you've got a little girl or a boy you're trying to fuck with on your list. i figure a girl needs about a ten year head start to train how to use all this crap. or she could just turn the hands around and push the head side to side while playing that walk like an egyptian song, that might be pretty funny. oh man i just realized, "head start." that's pretty funny too. man i'm in the wrong racket. a word of warning though, watch where you put this thing. i was in the john one day and since the missus and elves were out i left the door open, and when i glanced over i saw one of these things sitting in the room across the hall looking right in at me. i stopped dead cold mid-pee and couldn't start again until i went in there and turned her to face a wall. i made the mistake of actually telling the others about this and now they sometimes leave one in the bathroom just to fuck with me. they think its funny but i swear to god one day i'm going to wake up and find it in bed with me holding out a whopper in one hand.
Some kids are harder to shop for than others and that is especially true for kids trapped in a temporal vortex where it is perpetually 1994. thank god then that you can go to retail stores around the country and still find fucking power rangers toys on the shelves. now just head down to cd bargain warehouse and pick up some ace of base albums and you're all set. as long as you're time hopping why dont you mosey over to 2085 where scientists may finally have had enough time to figure out why the fuck a team of super heroes needs a goddamn fucking police van. if superman had rolled up to crime scenes in a police cruiser lex luthor would have laughed and then kicked him in the vagina. luckily if the rangers find themselves outmatched by some laundry or something they can turn their van into a helicopter and fly away for .18 seconds before the blades crash into that highlighter pen sticking out of the roof, crumple down, puncture the cab and slice into that one ranger who got her tits out for that movie a while back.
i dunno if you know but this stuff isn't edible. i ate a playdoh burger and shat blood for a week, i'm not even joking with you.
I've seen this around a lot so i just want to clarify something. this never actually happened. first of all i am not that bald. second i remember that day pretty specifically because i was at the garage all day waiting to get the skids rotated on my sleigh so I would not have had time to be anywhere. it's not that i didn't want to or anything, i just wasn't invited. it was the parents mostly, i think they deliberately blew off some people who they thought would cause trouble, which i find a little insulting. like everyone's being all respectful and i'm gonna barge in there and be like I AM CHRISTMAS RAAAGGGH and start knocking over hay bales and throwing donkeys and shit. damndest thing though, i did actually meet baby david koresh. i mean, not in hay or anything, he was in a hospital. and he wasn't really glowing with a heavenly light, he was just sorta kicking around and farting. but nobody's making a statue of THAT.
getting toys for babies is pretty easy because they don't know what the hell is going on so you can get them anything. like this. its big and green and it has balls that roll around in it and babies will love it because they can hit it with their fists and go "BLLLTTHTHHPPTTT" i don't know if this is related at all but there was a time a few years ago when santa was very depressed and tried to kill himself by eating a bottle of tylenol and drinking a quart of listerine. i just sorta stumbled around and puked and passed out but when i woke up this was the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes. except it was like 800 feet tall. the baby, too. and he turned around and looked at me and he said "DRINK MY BLOOD" and then i passed out again.
anyone will tell you music education is very important for kids. the more they are exposed to at a young age, the more it becomes ingrained in them and allows their natural talent and their ear for music to develop so they can grow up to become the next bootsy collins. but for this to happen its important for them to listen to the right kind of music, which is why it is imperitive that you buy 8 albums of mewling cuntspawn screeching vapid pop hits like they sat on a pike while listening to K99.8 THE MIXXX. its much like artists who learn by drawing negative space. if you hear nothing but the most retched singing imaginable, all that will be left will be the way you're supposed to sing, so you just do that. the track selection is also excellent because it speaks to the young people of today. 7 year olds have a lot more on their plate than they used to, like learning cursive and maintaining relationships with sexually insatiable women.
I tried my best to feed her appetite -- "This Love", Kidz Bop 6 but the important thing is to foster a positive outlook on life in our children.
Your face it haunts -- "My Immortal", Kidz Bop 6 i gave this cd to a little girl one year and just two weeks later she was singing and bopping and clawing razor blades into her arms it was terrific. I'm probably not supposed to mention this but since i'm santa and all i got connections and i know whats going on the next kidz bop album. i dont want to ruin the surprise but two of the tracks are dark heartz "ya get skeeted on" and dj assault's "ass and titties." wait til you see the video for skeeted when this little boy picks up a bottle of cristal, sticks it between his legs and starts jerking it around to splash all these little girls in the face while going "THINKIN YOU DA SHIT GIRL YA GET SKEETED ON", it's adorable.
yeah i think you should probably get this for your kid. also if you don't have a kid you should get it for somebody else's kid. i mean its pretty all purpose i think pretty much any kid could use it. if you buy anything you should definitely buy this. as santa i can say with certainty that this is what your kid wants, and he or she wants you to put it next to the tree on christmas eve so it will be there and ready for the morning. i will say this though that if i come down in the night and see that your kid has laid a turd under the tree, that will mean that child is very bad and doesn't deserve a tv so i will have to take it. i don't like it anymore than you do but those are the rules. i'm just saying so that if you wake up on christmas morning and see a dump under your tree and your tv is gone you'll know what happened. but that probably won't happen so you should definitely buy this and do what i said with it. also if you don't have a kid that means the neighbor kid broke in and shat on your tree.
What's that? you say your little timmy isn't old enough to drive a car? well how about a gift for old santa, you ever think about that? does anyone ever buy me gifts? No. if i'm lucky a few kids will leave out some old chips ahoy and a glass of milk, and most of you assholes eat that before i get there. it's santas turn, goddammit. You know what? you know what, i admit it. i did run over your grandmother when she was walking home last christmas. its true. that happened. oh, what. what, you have a problem with that? is the image of your mother's mother getting crushed and shredded beneath my sleigh somehow displeasing to you? well then maybe santa needs a fucking mode of transportation that relies on, fuck, i dunno, anti-lock brakes and power steering instead of the laughter of children and elfin magic. i'm too kind hearted to make threats but if someone doesn't buy me a goddamn car, grandpa better know how to run, that's all i'm sayin.
well shit i'm all out of space on this computer page. hell it doesn't matter. just buy a bunch of random stuff, it's all the same. whats really important is to remember the true reason for the season. so try to do that.
seriously, because i don't remember. i mean, i think i do. kind of. i know it had something to do with.. something with cats? cats and.. and those symbols on zeppelin's zoso album. something. hell. you figure it out and get back to me. -- Santa (use this to mail me wishlists and you're getting a severed monkey head for christmas) |
