It's been a rather long time since I've watched wrestling on
a regular basis. I don't remember why I suddenly stopped. I also
don't know why I haven't since gotten back into it. Maybe it's
because I can't watch it with the same excitement I had when I
was a kid. Once upon a time, wrestling looked as real to me as
a human-sized rabbit that hides eggs in attempt to represent the
death & return of Superman Jesus is real & makes
perfect sense to a 5 year old.
In fact, there's a distinct portion of my childhood
during which my brother & I made sure that we never missed Monday
Night Raw, under any circumstances. It was sort of like going to
mass, only without the spiked punch & crackers. One time our
dad took us to see the WWF when it came to the Spectrum in Philadelphia.
Unfortunately, I don't remember the details well enough to write
about that. So instead, I'm going to write about something I found
that I had on tape. Ladies & gentlemen, I give you the 1994
Royal Rumble!
This, friends, is the only pay per view event that I have ever purchased.
It took place in Providence, Rhode Island, on January 22, 1994.
That would make me 13 years old at the time. Having a pay per view
event playing on my TV was so huge, that it warranted having a few
friends over to spend the glorious Saturday night watching it. This
was intense on my emotions. I cheered. I cried. I gave the Razor's
Edge to a chair. Moving right along, let's meet our commentators!
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Vince McMahon
When I was a kid, I had absolutely no idea that he owned the
joint, for two reasons. #1: The WWF had an acting "president"
in old man Jack Tunney. #2: McMahon played the part of a friendly
ringside commentator. So, you know, nobody hated him yet. |
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Ted Dibia$e
The Million Dollar Man and founding father of the tag team
Money, Inc. spent the entire night laughing like a psycho
killer & reminding Vince that everybody has a price. |
TIME FOR THE OPENING MATCH!
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Tatanka
As Native America's official ambassador to the WWF, Tatanka
used to do a little Indian dance around the wrestling ring
to get himself pumped up. Now imagine a den full of tween
boys imitating that dance, as they galloped around couches
& support poles. That was how we spent most of the match. |
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Ludvig Borga
He was from Finland, as a foreigner in professional wrestling,
he natrually had a burning hatred for the United States. That
was Borga's entire gimmick. Going after Americans & squashing
them with backbreakers. So who better to go after than a stupid
American like Tatanka? In fact, he had ended Tatanka's 2-year
undefeated streak the year before. And tonight was to be a
special rematch... |
BUT WAIT!
Here comes a new challenger!
DO-DO-DO-DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOOO!
Weeks before the match, Ludvig Borga broke his
ankle, an injury that would end his entire wrestling career! What
of the match? Hmm, who could possibly replace Ludvig Borga tonight?
We might as well wait for their theme song to start...
BAM!! BAM!!
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Bam Bam Bigelow
Oh, great. It's Jersey's own Beast from the East! Bam Bam
shows up accompanied by his "main squeeze," Luna
Vachon, whose face was painted half silver & talked like
Froggy from Our Gang. But Bam Bam loved her anyway. Fat Jersey
dudes go for ugly chicks with femullets. It's some kind of
law of physics. |
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As much as we thought Bam Bam was awesome for being
from our home state, we still knew how much he was terrible. So
naturally, we rooted for Tatanka to win this match. I mean, come
on. If you had to choose between a fat guy from Jersey with tattoos
for hair, or a pointy-eared purple space alien, which one would
you choose?
Oh, wait, that would be Tatanga. My bad.
A winner is... TATANKA!
After he's done dancing, Tatanka climbs the top rope
& delivers a cross body block for the three count. Heyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye!
ANGRY CANADIANS BATTLE FOR THE TAG
TEAM TITLE!
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The Quebecers
The tag team champions enter the arena, accompanied by manager
Raven Johnny Polo. Weeks before the event, Jacques
& Pierre lost their titles to Marty Jannetty & X-Pac
the 1-2-3 Kid, only to win them back a week later. |
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The
Hart Brothers
After a brief quarrel revolving around Owen feeling like he
lives in his more successful brother Bret's shadow, the two
joined forces as a tag team... in which Owen dresses up in
Bret's gimmick & comes out to Bret's song. He seemed pretty
excited to be reunited with his brother, though. Perhaps it's
the fact that Bret's suffering from a knee injury, which will
give Owen more time to shine. |
Here's the deal on the Quebecers. Jacques (the
one on the left in the earlier pic) was around for a while as THE
MOUNTIE before Pierre (the one not on the left in the earlier pic)
joined him & they formed the tag team. Their gimmick was to
be Canadian & remind everyone how awesome Canada was compared
to the rest of the world. Which is a little odd, considering that
Quebec usually spends most of the time trying to separate themselves
from the rest of Canada. Of course, the Harts are also from Canada,
so this match had nothing to do with jingoism. Nope, this match
had everything to do with making Owen Hart stop crying.
A winner is... NOBODY!
 The
Quebecers took advantage of Bret's injured knee by injuring it some
more. It was popular at the time to use Bret's trademark Sharpshooter
against him. You know, like if you use Metal Man's weapon on him,
he'll explode in one hit. Same idea, except that just before Bret
had a chance to explode, the ref stopped the match, & thus the
Quebecers retained the championship.
Owen, not one to be left out of all the fun of
beating the crap out of his brother's knee, attacked Bret himself,
calling him selfish. And then later that night he was stopped backstage
by this clown.
Todd Pettingill. He was some random skinny dork
who hosted a show called WWF Mania on Saturday mornings. But he
did manage to get the quote of the evening out of Owen...
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"I
don't need you with a bad leg doin' the Bret! You're too damn
selfish, & that's why you're sittin' there with a bad
leg, & that's why I kicked your leg out of your leg!" |
Dodongo dislikes losing. A winner is not you, Owen
Hart. Alright, back to the show.
THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH!
Now I'm no wrestlingologist, but I'm pretty sure
that the difference between the Intercontinental championship &
the World championship is the same difference between the Major
Circuit & the World Circuit in Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! One
is just... more important. And the ring is bluer. Let's meet the
contestants!
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Razor Ramon
Why yes, that is Scott Hall. Only back then, he was known
as "Da Bad Guy," Razor Ramon. He even got Cuban
accent implants to go with his gimmick. I should look into
getting that done. I've heard that chicks really dig guys
with accents. Yeah, then I'll be the Intercontinental champion
of da ladies, chico. |
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Irwin R. Schyster
Irwin's gimmick was the same as his initials... I.R.S. DO
YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? He always dressed as a businessman
should... suit & tie, suspenders & slacks. He even
had a hard plastic suitcase that was spraypainted to look
like it was made of steel. He liked hitting people over the
head with it, but come on, who wouldn't? |
I.R.S. didn't have a theme song. He just walked
out with a microphone & yelled "Listen up, tax cheats!"
at the crowd. While he & Razor were taking turns bouncing each
other off those ropes, trying to get a decent hit in, the referee
managed to get himself run into & knocked out. Then Razor decided
that it was a pretty good time to do his finishing move...
THE RAZOR'S EDGE!!!
Easily my favorite wrestling finishing move of
all time, the Razor's Edge is powerful enough to stun someone long
enough to get a 3-count on them, yet simple enough to perform on
common household furniture. I broke two rocking chairs that way.
Razor Ramon, however, would not be that successful with it yet.
Before I.R.S. meets the same fate as my rocking chairs, someone
decided to pay a little visit.
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Shawn Michaels
There's usually a reason for someone to interrupt a perfectly
good match like this. In the case of the Heartbreak Kid over
here, he was the last Intercontinental Champion, but he refused
to fight some person or another. So fake wrestling president
Jack Tunney suspended him, leaving his title up for grabs. |
So Razor Ramon beats 19 other guys in a Battle
Royal & wins a brand new championship belt. Then Shawn Michaels
came back with his old belt, saying he was the REAL champ. But he
wanted the new belt, too, just so he can have undisputed rights.
So he & Razor fought back & forth in a couple of ladder
matches for the next few years... but first, there was this incident.
While our ref is still knocked out, Shawn decides to come out &
save his new best friend Irwin by hitting Razor from behind with
his old belt. Then Shawn helps the unconscious ref, who gives the
3-count, making I.R.S. the winner...
BUT WAIT!
Another ref came down & told Ref #1 what happened.
What?! This never happens normally! If a ref is blindsided, anything
can happen, & if he misses it, you're screwed. But I guess because
this is the Royal Rumble, things work differently, & they have
more officials watching. So the match continues! Eventually, Razor
manages to do one of these...
THE RAZOR'S EDGE!!!
Easily my favorite wrestling finishing move of all
time, the Razor's Edge is powerful enough to stun someone long enough
to get a 3-count on them, yet simple enough to
THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP CASKET MATCH!
Alright, back to this idiot.
What's this crap with the motorcycle & the
bandana? If you're going to change your gimmick, at least have a
name to go with it. He used to be called the Undertaker because...
well, he dressed like one. And now he dresses like Fred Durst's
perverted uncle.
Look at that! The Undertaker used to be intimidating.
I liked the Undertaker out of pure fear. Fear that he would come
to my house & kill me. Not anymore. I managed to catch a recent
episode of Raw, right after the WWE was renamed as such, & Hulk
Hogan smashed the Undertaker's stupid little bike. He threw a fit,
but it wasn't even an intimidating fit! It was an OMG MY POOR BIKE
RAUGGH fit!
For most of the match, the Undertaker went to work
on Yokozuna. Then this jerk had to come & screw things up...
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Crush
Once part of the tag team Demolition, Crush went solo after
a short while. Eventually he was persuaded by Mr. Fuji &
Jim Cornette to betray his old buddy, Randy Savage, &
join their side. So just when it looked like the Undertaker
was going to shut Yokozuna in the casket & take his title,
Crush came to the rescue. |
 
Crush was shortly joined by two of Fuji's new recruits,
the Great Kabuki & Tenryu, as well as... Bam
Bam Bigelow?! Sure, why not? He's an idiot; it fits. In the
midst of all these guys trying to overcome the Undertaker &
doing a crappy job of it, Mr. Fuji swipes Paul Bearer's brass urn
thing. Meanwhile, the Undertaker is showing no signs of fatigue,
even with 4 guys bashing away at him.
   
More help arrives in the form of Adam Bomb,
"Double J" Jeff Jarrett, the Headshrinkers,
& Kevin Nash Super Shredder Diesel. So
how come the refs aren't doing anything about THIS, you ask? Well,
the rules are different with a casket match. It's anything goes.
The only rule is that one of the two needs to be shut in the casket.
So while all these guys are all beating up on the
Undertaker, Yokozuna opens Paul Bearer's brass urn thing& green
smoke starts coming out. This is when I start to freak out. Oh no,
they have found the source of the Undertaker's power! Sure enough,
the dark one falls, losing a casket match for the first time ever.
BUT WAIT!
The casket starts smoking, all the lights go out,
the TV's go on, &... hey, somebody planted a camera in the Undertaker's
casket. OH NO STARE OF DEATH LOOK AWAY! The Undertaker had this
little speech prepared about how he lives on in the hearts of many
& how he'll be reborn again & how he will not rest
in peace. Then he explodes on the screen, rises above to the ceiling,
& disappears until August. Weird frigging goth.
Actually, I just found out that the Undertaker that
rose to the ceiling wasn't really the Undertaker. It was, in fact,
this man...
 MARTY
FRIGGING JANNETTY!
Yes, Marty frigging Jannetty. The most underrated
pro wrestler ever, as some of my friends call him. The man who made
Shawn Michaels famous. The man who gave the Undertaker a second
chance by dressing up as him & flying like Peter Pan. Marty
Jannetty will save us all.
Oh, & if you're wondering whatever happened
to Yokozuna... he's dead now. And what a shame, too. He looked kind
of cute & fuzzy when he smiled.
AWWWWW!
Alright, now for a blast from your past. 30 hot, sweaty
idiots try to be the last man standing in the ring to win...
THE ROYAL RUMBLE!
Let's meet our first two contestants!
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Scott Steiner
No, this is not Sean Astin with a mullet. It's Scott Steiner.
Once upon a time, he actually looked like this. |
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Samu
One of the headshrinkers. At least I think this one's Samu.
I could never tell which one was which. Whatever. Doesn't
matter much tonight. He was gone in 3 minutes. That's what
you get for hurting the Undertaker's feelings. |
So for those of you who had the pleasure of never
watching wrestling in your entire productive life, the object of
the Royal Rumble is to be the last one standing in the ring after
29 other people have come & gone. You start with 2, & then
another contestant comes out every minute & a half. You can
only eliminate people by sending them over the top rope. All set?
Alright then. Here we go.
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Rick Steiner
The Dog-Faced Gremlin comes out in his cute little earmuffs,
helps his brother eliminate Samu, & that's about it. |
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Kwang
the Ninja
Before Savio Vega was so proud to be from Puerto Rico, he
wore a mask & pretended to be Japanese. There were little
COMING SOON! clips of Kwang doing some ninja stuff backstage,
that ran for a month or so before his premiere in the Rumble,
so I was psyched to see what he could do, because as you all
know, ninjas are awesome. I was left unimpressed. |
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Owen
Hart
Freshly pissed off from getting his spotlight stolen from
his brother again as he kicked his leg out of his leg, Owen
storms to the ring none too happy, & immediately takes
out Rick Steiner. Unfortunately, that was his only contribution
to the match. |
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Bart
Gunn
One half of new tag team the Smoking Gunns, Bart only lasted
until the next guy came out & eliminated him... |
|
Diesel
Big Daddy Cool gets straight to work, taking out EVERYBODY
IN THE RING, leaving him waiting by himself for the next contestant. |
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Bob
Backlund
This old fart comes in & gets thrown right back out again
by Diesel, who's about 3 heads taller than Mr. Cross-faced
Chicken Wing over here. Later that year, Diesel would win
the World Championship belt from Backlund in 8 seconds. Time
to retire, fatty. |
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Billy
Gunn
Here's the more popular half of the Smoking Gunns, before
he was Bad Ass. Or Mr. Ass. Or Hey Guys Check Out My Posterior.
It got kicked by Diesel before the next guy even came out. |
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Virgil
Poor Virgil. His entire purpose in wrestling was to make other
people look good. He was only here tonight as a replacement
for Kamala. The only thing he had going for him was
that he had a funny shaped head, which promotly ate floor
mat as Diesel tossed him out as quickly as the others. |
 |
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"Macho
Man" Randy Savage
Ooohhh yeahhh! Savage steps in & snaps into a Slim Jim!
This is the first guy that Diesel didn't eliminate, dig it!
Dance, Mr. Savage? How bout the Funky Chickeeen?! |
|
"Double
J" Jeff Jarrett
Jeff Jarrett had just recently made his debut, but not before
countless COMING SOON clips featuring him showing off the
fact that he can spell his own name. "J-E-Double F, J-A-Double
R-E-Double T!" Randy Savage shut him up rather quickly. |
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Crush
Crush comes back out & makes short work of his former
best friend, Randy Savage. Too bad the contestants don't come
out in their theme music during the Royal Rumble. I really
liked Crush's. Metal guitar goodness. |
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Doink the Clown
Everybody hated Doink during his feud with Crush, but now
that everybody hated Crush, they all loved Doink again. Especially
now that he has his little midget clown, Dink, to come
out with him! |
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|
Bam
Bam Bigelow
Bam Bam comes back out & takes care of Doink. Then he
starts helping everybody else trying to get rid of Diesel. |
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Viscera
Mabel
Before Viscera joined the Undertaker's Ministry of Darkness
& became the scariest black man ever, he wore a tacky
purple M.C. Hammer suit, & called himself Mabel. He was
the only third of Men on a Mission with any talent, &
came out with manager & emcee Oscar close behind,
to join in on the Diesel bashing.
|
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Thurman "Sparky"
Plugg
The man you now know as Hardcore Holly debuted at the
Rumble as a replacement for his future tag team partner, X-Pac
the 1-2-3 Kid, who couldn't make it for whatever reason.
With Sparky the racecar driver's help, Mabel, Bam Bam &
Crush all managed to finally send Diesel over the top rope. |
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Shawn
Michaels
By the time the Heartbreak Kid came into the match, his buddy
Diesel was already gone. So he started a rally trying to get
rid of the other big guy in the ring, Mabel. |
BUT WAIT!
|
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Mo
Not if Mabel's little buddy has anything to do about it! The
last remaining third of M.O.M. came out & held the others
off of Mabel for another few contestants to come out before
the big guy got eliminated. It was one of the only times that
Mo lasted longer than his partner in anything. |
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Greg
"the Hammer" Valentine
Greg the Hammer was an old schooler by this point, so nobody
really cared about him very much anymore. He might as well
have just stood there & waited for someone to knock him
out. He did help get rid of Mabel, but it took a few more
hands after him to do so. |
|
Tatanka
Tatanka's back! Time to dance! Heyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye! Tatanka
lasted for a while until Bam Bam got revenge from the first
match & sent him over the top rope. |
|
The
Great Kabuki
Here comes this idiot with the napkin on his head again. Kabuki
was the last hand needed to eliminate Mabel, helping Greg
Valentine, Sparky Plugg, Tatanka, Bam Bam, Shawn Michaels
& Crush fight off Mo & send him over the top. Kabuki
was the next one over, thanks to the next guy in... |
 |
 Lex
Luger
This was during Lex's little patriotic trip, which he started
after he became the first person to successfully bodyslam
Yokozuna, on July 4th of the previous year. Lex entered the
ring by crashing the LEX EXPRESS tour bus right through the
wall.
Alright, no he didn't. But that's what he
should've done. Ten minutes after he took out the Great Kabuki,
Lex finally disposed of Crush as well. |
|
Tenryu
Tenryu did his job perfectly. His job, of course, being to
stand around looking stupid, & occasionally hitting people. |
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Bastion
Booger
Bastion Booger's gimmick was to be a big fat disgusting idiot.
I'm being serious. He didn't even come out when it was his
turn. No replacement or anything. |
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"The
Model" Rick Martel
Rick was also an old schooler at this point, so naturally
he got rid of Greg Valentine first, right before Tatanka sent
him over as well. |
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Bret
"the Hitman" Hart
Bret comes slowly limping out to help Shawn Michaels dispose
of Sparky Plugg, & Lex Luger take out Tenryu. Meanwhile,
Owen's backstage crying somewhere about kicking Bret's leg
out of his leg. |
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Fatu
The other half of the Headshrinkers comes back out & manages
to get rid of Mo before Bret Hart sends him over too. I can't
think of anything funny to say about the Headshrinkers, isn't
that sad? Oh, I know! AFA! AFA! AFA! |
 |
| Fatu, by the way,
is on his own now as Rikisi. Dork even does Yokozuna's
Bonzai drop as a tribute...
AWWWWW!
|
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Marty
frigging Jannetty
Marty frigging Jannetty knew that Shawn Michaels would be
nothing without him, & he flaunted it by still wearing
his Rockers colors proudly. To further prove that Shawn Michaels
would be nothing without him, Marty let his old partner take
him out. Well, that's sort of how it happened. |
|
Adam
Bomb
Adam Bomb is probably one of my favorite wrestling gimmicks
of all time. He represented total destruction & had a
HULK SMASH attitude to go with it. Adam was the last contestant
to enter the ring, but didn't last very long... Lex Luger
sent him over the top. |
In the end, Lex Luger eliminated Shawn Michaels,
leaving him & Bret Hart alone in the ring. Then this happened...
No, that's not a hug gone into a 69 roll, kids.
That's both of them going over the top rope at the same time. Bret
tried to limp over to take Lex out, but he ended up going over with
him. They both land on the floor at the same time. They were both
declared the winners, & the crack at Yokozuna's title at Wrestlemania
was later decided by some complicated process involving like 2 more
matches & a couple of coin tosses.
WHAT WE'VE LEARNED...
You didn't think we'd get through this whole thing
without learning important life lessons, did you? Honestly! Here's
a summary of what we've learned from the night's events.
SUPER HAPPY MIDGET CLOWN PARTY TIME GO!
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