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Rounders
BET YOUR CHIPPIES
Written by Nick on August 3rd - 2004

*WARNING*

*Unlike every single element of poker found within some source of media, I am NOT going to explain the rules of Texas Hold 'Em, nor am I going to explain the escalation of hand types. All you need to know to enjoy this article is that Matt Damon is in it.

*/Warning*

Being a teenager in the year 2004 is not the cliche it once was. Instead of every single teen liking The Brady Bunch and owning upwards from 3 leather jackets we have an era where the less amount of people who like what you do, the cooler you are. Terms began to rise for these self-proclaimed l33ts. Like l33t. Or Elite. See, instead of wearing a shirt that may spark conversation with someone of similar interests, the goal in fashion is the provoke the second party to say "Hey, what's FATA mean?"

It's this stipulation that divides the endless masses of underage alcoholics into more cliques than ever witnessed. It used to be that most high schools were divided into the nerds and the jocks. Nowadays each of these divisions has been split into complicated sub-divisions. The jocks congregate within their respective sports and the nerds still don't have any friends. The only difference is that the jocks now call these nerds by more precise names (ex. D&D; Fag).

If you haven' figured it out already, which I hope you haven't, I'll elaborate. Say Teenager A likes something that nobody else knows about, and then a large portion of the teenager population catches on to this trend and begin to, in turn, obsess over it. Teenager A begins to develop angst towards the noobs that are now interested in the same subject as him/her. He/she begins to say things like "I like their old stuff" or "I knew about that before anyone else did."

I am Teenager A.

My family was very strict about most anything when I was little. The only thing that they really let me do that other parents wouldn't allow a standard-issue 8 year-old to do was gamble.

"Can I cross the street to go play on Dan's swing set, Mom?"

"Shutup and split those aces."

My dad taught me to play 7-card stud when I was very young, and when there was nothing better to do he would take out the plastic chips that we soon designated as nickels and dimes. Soon he taught me other games, usually just 5-card draw derivatives. A few years ago me and my friends began to play cards weekly, usually just to give us something to look forward to throughout the school week. The game slowly developed into Texas Hold 'Em, which has been deemed the Cadillac of poker. Soon the weekly poker game developed into the poker game we played every day after school. We kept this hobby internal for the most part, playing with the same four or five people each time. The hobby developed into a passion. We soon began reading books on the subject and consulting the more experienced for advice and circumstantial tips. We were plenty happy with our being l33t until the worst moment in trendiness history occured:

YOUR JACK IS GOOD OH FUDGE NICE SET TIME TO LIVE THE SIMPLE LIFE

Poker became cool. Or Baller. I really don't care, it just depresses me. It wouldn't be bad at all if it didn't effect the game. I understand that I, too, was once new at the whole playing cards concept, but when I was new I was not a lost face in the crowd. I played small cash games until I was able to handle myself at a real game. Nowadays every poker table you sit at is pretty much guaranteed to possess at least one Chezzler.

Chezzler: n. American One who employs half-baked morals or strategies; a wicked stupid poker player.

These Chezzlers began appearing more and more often, and concern soon broke within my group. The games where we once battled each other were now soaked with Dinkos who skimmed through Super System.

Nonetheless, many of these Chezzlers can be picked up very easily. If at any point at a poker table one of the players makes a comment comparing the play at the table to the movie Rounders, you can immediately label them as a Chezzler. Don't get me wrong, Rounders is a great movie, but it is an old movie that most everyone in the world has seen. I really don't give a shit if you think you can catch hangers or if you like to eat Oreos when you play, you're still just a chezbot. Money, plz.

Many of you must be saying, "Well, Nick, you make it sound like you're the fucking boss of poker. If you're so fucking good why don't you just outplay these new players and take all their money?"

The answer is more than simple, and it's that the laws of probability do not apply to Chezzlers. The game of Texas Hold 'Em can get complicated at times, when applying mathematical percentages, pot odds, and the implied odds of what will happen if you complete your hand/prevent your opponent from doing so. As the numbers rattle through your head, your chezzler opponent says to him/herself, "Well I can't fold a hand if it's suited." And they will always hit their flush.

Suited: adj. English Pertaining to the same suit; when your cards have the same little symbol in the top left/lower right corner.

Flush: n. English A five-card poker hand when all of your cards are suited; a monster hand.

The odds of hitting a flush on the flop are .84%. The chances of even having a decent flush draw on the flop are one-in-ten. The odds of this flush actually making it's draw are 35%. I forgot to make mention of the fact that these are the odds that a normal poker player would experience, but for Chezlers it's a little different. Odds of hitting a flush on the flop: 50%. Odds of hitting the flush before the hand is over: 85%.

Flop: n. English The first three community cards that everyone can use; The Village.

Back to my original intentions, Rounders is a movie that was created for one reason and one reason only; to become a cult film among card fanatics. I own Rounders, I won't lie, and I do watch it from time to time, but what I don't do is bring it up every single time I sit down at a poker table. I also don't compare my friends to people in the movie. The only movie in which this sort of action is appropriate is The Matrix: Reloaded because every single character was a dip, given that guy with dreadlocks. He was pretty neat.

With that, I would like to take the honor of dishonoring a good movie:

ROUNDERS

"Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, than you are the sucker."

The movie opens with a young lad by the name of Mike. His room is covered in poker paraphenelia, and the viewer is quickly enlightened to his jungle fever. The queen of spades holds herself a special place in Mikey's pantaloons. He's the main star of this film, and rightfully so. He's the calm, collected component of this card caper. He's easy to like and easier to love, with his polo shirt and boyish blue eyes. Did I mention that he's from Boston?

Actually I sorta just described Matt Damon, his character is actually found deep within New York. He's spent his years after highschool grinding card tables to pay his way through law school. This is working great except Mike soon finds himself bored with just skimming from the top of a seemingly infinite pool of money to be won. He decides to make his move. He buys in $30,000 at the underground poker pit run by Teddy KGB.

Teddy KGB is in direct connection to the Russian mob, which pretty much defines his character. He speaks broken english and John Malkovitch is the man. He's a fan favorite to impersonate non-stop when playing poker. Even the bare linguistics are poorly immitated. I swear to god if Malkovitch ever saw a character of his butchered this horribly he'd probably re-invent the word "sodomy". It wouldn't be so bad if the character itself weren't so badass. So badass that he eats oreos. Like a badass.

C is for Checks, that's good enough for KGB

So Mike decides that he's going to go for the gusto, buying in his three stacks of high society. So he inches towards the main table where KGB himself is playing among others including Lenny Clarke. Lenny Clarke is seen with a cigar at all times in this film. Lenny Clarke is seen with a cigar at all times in his life. Let's watch as Mike goes after The Mad Russian:

Mike has seconday implied nuts

And KGB has the nuts. ownep

Lenny Clarke is emotional. jk.

And so Mr. KGB enjoys a fine fellating. He also enjoys the 35,000+ that Mike had won. Mike now has no money to gamble with. So, class, what did we learn today? What happens to gambling addicts when they hit rock bottom?

"They become useless dregs in the pickle jar of society."

Correct!

Mike holds a steady job driving a truck for his friend Knish. Knish warned Mike earlier in the movie, attempting to coerce him from sitting down with Teddy. Not only does he have to drive a truck for shitty wages, his girlfriend, Jo, is a total bitch and won't let him play cards anymore. He made her "promise". That fucking pisses me the hell off shit. I mean, when a girlfriend makes you promise something, it has to be one of the single most demoralizing acts that can occur in a healthy relationship. You're basically saying, "I will not do this thing that I would like to do but you don't want me to," which is total bullshit. "Bitch, I'm hitting up the Taj tonight whether your smelly ass wants me there or not. If you don't like me gambling than you can pawn that bracelet I bought you and give me back the money, because driving around packages for minimum wage did not buy those rocks (throws card Gambit-style into girlfriend's forehead)." You guys should see how whipped I am, it's pathetic.

My real name is Gretchen. Not so hot now, am I?

So Mike is living the clean life until the movie introduces his best friend, Worm. Worm is currently in prison for credit card fraud and is now on the day of his parole. He plays for cigarettes in jail. That's awesome.

Does this goatee make my mouth look like a vagina?

Mike picks him up and immediately explains to Worm that he's off his game and he has no intentions of going back. Later that night Mike and Worm showed up for a Chezzler game to punch through some bitches. Worm trick deals to ensure that they win lots of money. Unfortunately, not even rigging hands is enough to guarantee a win against a Chezzler, as we see here:

EAT CHAIR, PIPEY

Worm then informs us that he's in the hole about 15 g's and that the books are calling his name now that he's out of prison. So what does he do? He plays on Mike's finger, triples his loot, and cashes out the loan in Mike's name. WHAT A GOOD FRIEND, STEALING 2 GRAND FROM THE GUY THAT PICKED HIM UP FROM PRISON. I should also add that Worm is played by Edward Norton who is wicked good at playing the sleazy rat-hole. He has a toothpick hanging out of his mouth on the DVD cover for Christ's sake.

So to recap: Worm gambles a lot. Worm cheats at gambling at lot. Worm steals money to cheat at gambling a lot. THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Actually I think the first step is not choosing the moniker "Worm". Just doesn't look too hot on a job application, if you ask me. Or anyone for that matter.

So we get it, Worm = About as clean as a skeeball machine, right? So the movie enters a strip club where Worm watches on, when an old friend, Grama, arrives at his side. He informs Worm that he's boughten and consolidated all his outstanding debt, and that instead of him owing 15 grand to several other collectors, he owes Grama 25. Worm does not like this and he gets the shit beat out of him for protesting. Grama must have never read the first amendment! What an asshole!

I am a terrorist against freedom

At this point in the movie Mike has gotten caught by his bitch ass girlfriend. She went through his pants while he was in the shower and found a gangsta roll. WHAT A BITCH. I could be clever or witty here but I choose the low road YOU ARE A BITCH! God! So she ditches him and yells at him and he tries to explain himself but slips on his tongue and the wrong thing comes out and she freaks out because she thinks that he thinks she's obese etc. etc. So she storms off and when Mike returns that night all her shit is gone and the apartment is empty. Worm convinces Mike to forget about that cold-ass dung-chucker and to hit the tables. Mike ponders for about a minute and caves. He is back on the wagon.

So the boys hit Atlantic City; The Chezzler Capital of the World. The Chezzbots that walk in this place, hoo-diggie. They basically just wait for a pube to sit down, clean them out, and wait for another. Sorta makes me reluctant to hit casinos. Then again when I walk into a casino I tend to stay clear of the poker tables where EVERY SINGLE PLAYER SITTING DOWN HAS A TOOTHPICK AND/OR PIECE OF FLOSS HANGING OUT OF THEIR MOUTH. Just a quirk of mine, I guess.

While Mike enjoys his return to poker his career in law suffers. Even after impressing the presiding judge over a mock trial between law schools he manages to get on the dogend of a decent gig. He shows up late for meetings, if at all, and displays absolutely zero preperation. H. lol. After being embarrassed in front of the entire council of judge's in the district he decides that he no longer has a future in law.

That paragraph was really boring to type. I hope Worm goes back to the nudie bar soon.

Nope, Mike's watching the final clips from the '88 WSOP. Johnny Chan wins. No boobs here.

(fast forwards DVD)

I guess now the chick that gave Worm the money on Mike's finger went to Mike to collect the original $2,000. Mike pays her and goes out to look for Worm, because he is mad. He finds Worm at their old childhood hideout. Together they used to practice fetal position techniques, and discuss which were the most effective. Mike enters only to find Worm in the coined Zygote Position. Mike proceeds to abort him in a timely and energy-efficient manner. He explains to Worm that hiding isn't the best way to solve your problems, and that it's often better to face them head on. Worm uses a smoke bomb to escape, except that he has asthma and passes out. Mike carries his lifeless body to Gramma's place to talk things over.

They show up and Gramma is wearing red pajamas and an oriental whore. It's awkward at best. He then begins to beat his dog. Things are starting to go off the deep end. Gramma calls Worm a faggit and Worm fires back, pissing Gramma off. Gramma attacks Worm and Mike tells him that he'll cover Worm to cool him off, and it works like a charm, except now Mike needs to earn 25 grand in 5 days. They only have 10 grand right now, so, class, how much do they have to earn in 5 days?

"Fif-teen Thous-and"