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Role Models for Today's
Youth.
written
by Nick - june 22 - 2004
The life of a young boy can be viewed as the molding period for this particle specimen; a time when he is expected to develop attributes that will someday allow him to function in society as a healthy member. The most important factor, and therefore the most prominent, when the development of a child is to be considered is the presence and abundance of sound role models for the subject to idolize and dress up like and buy posters off and The United States is the greatest consumer market in the entire world.
You should buy a progressive boink t-shirt now.
The role models that a young boy or girl choose to favor can be as important as to completely pave the road ahead of them, as to whether or not the child may smoke cigarettes, participate in athletic activities, or sprawl their high school locker with 4:20 stickers. Unfortunately for most of today’s youth, I am not available to lend such lead, as presenting a positive paradigm goes against everything I believe in.
I should also make mention that I care about the future of our dear planet and am willing to do most anything that will help conserve it’s grace and natural beauty. The people living on the planet earth play a crucial role in determining its current and future level of inhabitance. This should not be taken lightly.
(moves trash barrel out of way to throw Kit Kat wrappers out window)
And stay out!
That’s why I’ve decided to produce a list of positive role models for today’s youth. It’s about time that somebody restricts what kids are exposed to and makes sure that all they are fed is mind-deteriorating dribble about practicing good ethics and the Dewy Decimal System. A world of propaganda films and Schoolhouse Rock is about that only world that I can comfortably live in, knowing that the opinions the government subtly placed within my brain are 100% correct and that whenever I turn on the television I can expect to sing a song about how important prime numbers are.
Nick’s list of positive role models that you should enforce upon your children no matter how against their will it may turn out to be.
If writing the number one single of the new millennium doesn’t earn you most every right in modern day society than I don’t know what does. I am also not so square that I did not realize that Outkast consisted of two members and therefore should account for two models on my list, but I don’t think very many people appreciate Andre and Mr. Boi stagnito.
Personally I have trouble thinking of a better prerequisite to choose for a child, given the countless numbers of songs they have produced that involve freebasing blow and cheating on your baby moma’s moma. Though once you teach your child that drugs/hoochies=timeout you shouldn’t have to worry much about conflicts of interest.
The only way to know for sure is to find out, so I had the scientists at the Nick department of P-Boi study the development of a fetus as “Hey Ya” was played on a loop. Not to anyone’s surprise, the fetus found the song quite enjoyable, despite the fact that it had not yet grown the necessary organs and nervous systems to interpret the noises being played. Soon enough it was doing that crazy dance that they do during the video. The fetus then died because we neglected the fact that most fetuses like incubation. Then scientist Eddie mistook the fetus for one of those slime balls that you throw against the wall and it sticks. It stuck, alright. Stuck like a plaster-splintering rock.
Alrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalright ok now feti
“…”
I said ‘now feti’
“…(gurgle)”
“Hey ya!”
Gotta hand it to the boys in the Nick department, again, as the bureau of interpersonal relations scored me an interview with the ex-playboy centerfold. Lucky for this internet journalist she lost about 980 pounds to allow movement within her jaw again. I brought along my personal assistant to jot down the proceedings at the conference, to further invoke your personal enjoyment. We join the notes halfway through the interview:
“Nick continues to marvel at Ms. Smith’s breasts. It almost seems as though he has never has familiar contact with a female before. Wouldn’t surprise me."
Nick: So, if you were to be told that you were very popular among young people and that your life decisions would impact the youth of another day, would you change your lifestyle?
Anna Nicole Smith: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?
Nick: Do you like kids?
ANS: Ah yeah! It’s about the only thing this friggin’ atkins diet allows.
Nick: Children?
ANS: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Nick: SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE TO THE CHILDREN.
ANS: Say you, like, are really hot and people pay you money to see you naked a bunch of times, or like, something, that’s really cool because with some money you can buy a thing or three. Then say you, uhm, like, get really fat and the hardcore porno people don’t want to give you the money anymore it’s still, like, uhm, alright or whatever, because you can still trick old people because old people really don’t care if you’re very very fat or not. It’s really not hard, because you can still go to coke orgies and everything and then when he dies you get a lot of money. Then you can, uhm like, spend that money on a really far-out and risky diet method and lose a lot of weight and have sex with more people than you could when you were very fat.
Nick: Are you trying to arouse me, Ms. Smith?
ANS: What? I thought you were my fucking kid, who the hell are you?
Nick: Ally-oop! (Jumps out window, panties intact)
ANS: I did a porno with a horse once.
Assistant: K’z”
A maternal figure for the ages. I swear she’d probably have sex with her kid if he had any money. Or drugs. Or Crisco. Or genitalia.
Barry Bonds (1996)
I remember a time when one could watch Barry Bonds perform feats of great caliber with both his bat and his glove. He was an all-around player and he made those who played around him play to their potential. He had the ability to assist a struggling ball club into the post-season. This is the Barry Bonds few people remember. Barry Bonds is now the common replacement for the word “homerun”. For many of baseball’s die hard fans, the words “Barry Bonds” can now be summed up in just one word; “Balco”.
Here’s a lesson for you, kids: if you ever become very successful at something, arriving at the rank that only 20 or so other players have achieved before, do not take satisfaction in that. You should claim an unfair edge against the more honest and respectable players to make sure your name gets written in a book somewhere. Don’t forget to be a hypocritical asshole.
We join this press conference mid-question:
“Bonds: …and how dare you call me arrogant! You haven’t even personally talked to me. How dare you make that presumption!
Reporter: You’re right, Barry, I apologize. On another note, what would you say to playing in Boston?”
Bonds: Boston is a racist city and I am a black man.
Reporter: Ever been there?
Bonds: Nope.”
Hey Barry, why don’t you ask David Ortiz, the blackest man on the face of the earth, how he likes it here in Boston, since it’s such a racist town and all. Last time I checked he did a backflip when we re-signed him. I bet you’d do a backflip if we signed you, too, given that you’re lower extremities have shriveled into twizzlers.
Who better than two of the most rationally minded people in the history of the United States to set a precedent for our children to follow?
To show just how rational these two great minds are, I penciled myself in for a double-interview with the two former-presidents. You be the judge!
Q: A bully beat you up at school and took your lunch money, what do you do?
Truman: Blow him up.
Roosevelt: Build a canal over him.
Q: You are participating in the race for class president, and are seen to lose by a landslide, what do you do?
Truman: Rig the election.
Roosevelt: Create a quasi-retarded third party with a name that makes people laugh.
Q: It’s Christmas. What do you get your dad for a present?
Truman: A chinaman.
Roosevelt: Panama.
As you can see the two clearly have an edge on the rest of the competition, having been part of two of the most powerful and unfair attacks our fair country has ever seen, given the slaughter now known as Thanksgiving. I would include the likes of Christopher Columbus on this list, BUT HE’S NOT ALIVE, DUMMY.
The time comes in every child’s life when they must make the decision as to whom they will choose as a role model. Some children choose their parents, and will eventually become assistant managers at Arby’s. Others choose to idolize people not unlike the list I’ve prepared for you above. These children, who rebel against good nature and modern values, will be the trendsetters for years to come. YOU WILL DO WHAT THEY DO, BECAUSE THEN THEY WILL BECOME THE ROLE MODELS THAT YOU ADORE.
I will now end my civic duty by producing a list of poor role models. I will go into no detail on these people as I really don’t give a crap about them
DON’T BE LIKE:
Tina Turner
Ike Turner
S’bout it.
No need to thank me, kiddies, as I’m not allowed to have direct contact of any kind with anyone under the age of 16. Just remember me when you become of age, alright?
Alright.
- Nick
AIM: WaterAndCoffee