Welcome to the LiveJournal of Richard Karn [entries|friends|calendar] Flannel Man's Domain [Hi, my name is Richard Karn.  You may know me as the beloved Al Borland from TV's Home Improvement. ]

sort by most recent | least recent [25 Nov 1998|05:34pm] [ mood: happy |   Hi everybody!!!  This is Richard Karn.  After looking at the above picture, you probably found yourself wondering, “Hey, who is that guy?”  That’s a common reaction, since I played the role of Al Borland in the hit TV show “Home Improvement”, which is sadly now canceled, and I wore Al’s role so comfortably that much of my audience felt like they knew me.  I’ve decided to start this LiveJournal because I thought it would be a great way to give something back to my ever-growing fanbase.  I’ve received so many wonderful letters from fans of Home Improvement, and I can’t quite let that go unrewarded, can I? :)

[21 Dec 1998|10:05am] [ mood: cold |         Ho! Ho! Ho!  ‘Tis the season, you know!  I just love this time of year.  All the hustle and bustle, and wonderful food, and family time!  In honor of my role as Al Borland on the hit TV show “Home Improvement”, I have decided to do what old Al would have done: give my children handmade toys for Christmas!  My twelve-year-old son wants a remote-control car, but my fatherly wisdom serves to remind me that a cheap plastic toy is no match for a quality toy made of hand-crafted wood.  I even ensured that the wheels really turn, so that when he pushes it the wheels will turn, just like a real car!  Much like in Home Improvement episode #G-42, in which Al Borland (yours truly) came to help push Tim Taylor’s car out of a ditch, and in doing so taught him a valuable lesson about treating one’s co-workers with respect.  One viewer wrote me all the way from Ontario, Canada, to let me know that when Al tugged that car back on the road, it tugged on her heartstrings as well.  That sort of thing makes me very proud of my role as Al Borland.  Oh yeah!  Also, I’ve heard whispers about ABC potentially giving me my own sitcom in which I would reprise the role of fan favorite Al Borland.  Keep your fingers crossed, Borland-heads!  Check back here for updates!

[26 Dec 1998|03:14am] [ mood: thinking too much about Tool Time |       Wow!  What a holiday!  I’d say that, all in all, good times were had by all in the Karn household. The once concern I have is for my twelve-year-old.  The little guy really had his heart set on that remote-control car so that he could race it around with his friend.  I thought he liked the wooden car I made for him when he first opened it, but just like my character of Al Borland in the hit TV show “Home Improvement”, I can be wrong about things sometimes!  This morning I awoke to my bedroom window smashing.  I jumped out of bed to see what hit the window, and to my surprise, it was the very same wooden car that I had made for him!  He seemed to ignore the hours of loving craftsmanship that went into the making of this car when he carved “I HATE YOU DAD I’M RUNNING AWAY” into it with his pocketknife and threw it through my window.  I ran outside and yelled to remind him that the wheels really turned, and whether or not he thought that was neat, and he stopped running, turned around, gave me the finger, and kept running. He’s going through a time in his life in which he doesn’t know whether to trust his good ol’ Pop, or his peer-pressuring friends.  He sure has been copping an attitude lately.  After the police picked him up later today and brought him home, I had him sit down with me and watch the episode of “Home Improvement” (#G-56) in which Tim overhears Randy telling his friend that Tool Time is more like Fool Time. By the way, Karn-maniacs, I haven’t received word from ABC yet over their decision to green-light my new series, but here’s hoping!

[14 Jan 1999|12:29am] [ mood: depressed |       I’m sort of down right now.  I called the execs at ABC three times this morning, and every time the secretary says they were not available.  I attempted to finesse my way into getting them on the phone by utilizing my trademark Al Borland charm.  The first time I asked them to tell them that the “Flannel Man” had called, and jokingly added that maybe I could construct a bookshelf for her trouble, since I am, after all, a handyman.  She just sort of sighed sadly.  I called back an hour later and struggled to find a way to incorporate the line “Don’t think so, Tim” into the conversation.  After talking to the secretary for a couple of minutes, I finally just said, “I want a million dollars!  Don’t think so, Tim.”  She said, “What?” and I didn’t know how to reply.  I called back again around noon and started sobbing as I told her about how my parents had sex too late and while all the other kids were at the park playing catch with their fathers, I had to go to the pond and feed the ducks with my Pop because he was too old to play catch.  Then I heard a click and then silence over the phone, but it was probably because I got tears and snot all over my phone and it shorted out. I think tomorrow I’m going to type up a script for the pilot episode for my show.

[14 Jan 1999|2:48 pm] [ mood: progressive |         I’m on a roll!!!  I got up early this morning and pounded out the whole script for my pilot episode for my new show.  It’s going to be the greatest.  Not to toot my own horn too much, but I think a network would be crazy to pass up on “Al’s Pals”.  Actually, the title is still a work in progress.  I want a title that rhymes.  All you Al-freaks out there put your thinking caps on and send me an e-mail if you have any suggestions! In my show, Al Borland has left his beloved “Tool Time” to move to the inner city so he can teach struggling Negro children how to build a workbench.  I’m so excited!  There are so many fish-out-of-water possibilities here that this show could run for easily ten seasons. Since I love my fans and you guys mean so much to me, I’m going to give you guys a sneak peek of my favorite scene from the episode I wrote. AL.  Hey, Jamal? JAMAL.  What’s the haps, ol’ boy? AL.  Could you hand me that studfinder? JAMAL. Yeah, man!  (smiles mischievously)  Hey, check it out, Mr. B! AL. (puts down tape measure) What is it, Jamal? JAMAL.  (waves studfinder over body) Looks like I found one! AL.  (laughs) Right on, Jamal!  Now let me talk to you for a minute about the risks of unprotected sex. I want this to be a show that a family can watch together, and later have constructive dialogue about.  As a handyman, I’m all about being constructive, as most of you probably already know from watching “Home Improvement”!!!

[29 March 1999|08:16pm] [ mood: everything's coming up milhouse! |           You know, life never seems to turn out like you expect it to.  The top exec at ABC called me to inform me that there was no place for me on his network.  I was pretty down in the dumps, but I decided to send it in to UPN.  And guess what?  They green-lighted it without a moment’s hesitation!  They were so impressed that I actually printed out the script on paper, and there were no spelling errors.  Today I did a commercial spot for the show.  You know those little 5-second commercials they always do, where the primary cast members stand in a circle facing outward and a camera revolves around them, and the cast members throw up their arms and laugh or “raise the roof” when the camera is pointed at them?  Well, we did one of those.  I did my trademark salute, which all of my “Home Improvement” watching fans will no doubt recognize and enjoy.  It was a blast!

[10 April 1999|09:35am] [ mood: like i'm talking to a brick wall |         Words cannot describe how frustrated and disappointed I am.  Preparations for “Al’s Pals” were going great.  Then Paramount stepped in and decided to change my role from Negroid-enlightening handyman to a no-nonsense large black woman who harasses various skinny white men, and change the title from “Al’s Pals” to “WHY YOU METTLIN’.”  I decided that this was no longer a direction I wanted to take with my career, and as much as it hurt, I said goodbye.  All you Borland-bashers out there are really having a heyday today, I’m sure.

[2 June 1999|06:09am] [ mood: crappy |         I’ve decided that I need to abandon my ideals of artistic integrity.  I was a master artist, Al Borland was my brush, and Home Improvement my canvas.  My opus has been completed, and it’s now time to move on to the privileged field of celebrity spokesmanship. Since I have a beard, I was a perfect candidate to become the celebrity spokesman for Wahl beard trimmers.  And since I’m a nice guy who cares for the environment, I’m perfect for this one recycling corporation that I’m the spokesman for now.  I can’t remember what they’re called, but they gave me this awesome T-shirt with the little RECYCLE YOUR BATTERY emblem on it, and they let me do my trademark salute.

[12 July 1999|02:56am] [ mood: depressed |       Well, even though my television aspirations have faded, I’ve got to make a paycheck somehow.  I’ve spent the last month or so as a real-life handyman.  I thought it was going to be lots of fun, but wouldn’t you know it, the world seems to be delighting over my falling stardom.  The other day I made a house call to fix a splintery floorboard at a nearby fraternity house.  It was underneath a table which they had spread with instantly-bonding adhesive, and when I bent down I pressed my head against the table and I was stuck.  They were like “IT’S JUST LIKE THAT EPISODE WHERE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU!”  As I was trapped in an uncomfortable bent-over position, I calmly tried to explain that that particular incident happened to Tim Taylor and not Al Borland, and they responded by getting really drunk and sticking a broomstick up my rectum.  Eventually, the paramedics came and sawed off a comically large piece of the table that was glued to my head.  I was taken to the ER, where the doctor told me that it’s too dangerous to try to remove it.  I asked him why they would have cut the board off in such an awkward zigzag.  The doctor told me that it would be more aerodynamic that way, then burst out laughing. I am the world’s clown.

[13 Oct 1999|01:39am] [ mood: crappy |       My life is in shambles.  I used my remaining handyman skills to construct a bomb shelter, so that I may survive the coming Y2K apocalypse.  Being the wise and resourceful man that I am, I have stocked up on six years’ worth of astronaut ice cream, and have held a yard sale for all my electronic possessions so that they will be spread far enough apart that they won’t be able to assemble themselves into a giant vengeful electronic robot that will come to kill me.  I’m not going to be posting here for a while.  I have decided to retreat to my underground bunker, where I will stay for three years.  By then the cloud cover from the 26,000 nuclear weapons that will have inadvertently launched themselves will hopefully have cleared, and I will be able to farm crops and start civilization anew.  The future I create will be a simple one.  I no longer wish to bear the burden of celebrity spokesman or hapless flannel-wearing lummox.  I no longer care of these things.  I wish only for a bit of earth, in which I will grow peas and carrots, and lie in the soil and reminisce of times once had.  Aw man, I should see if that chick who played Heidi in “Home Improvement” will stay in the bunker with me.  She’s hot as fuck.

[14 Oct 2002|05:38pm] [ mood: feel like its time to PLAY THE FUED |   THREE YEARS LATER. Hey, everybody. To my utter bewilderment, I emerged from my underground fortress to find the world right where I left it.  It has become painfully clear to me that the world did not miss, or even notice, the absence of Richard Karn.  In case anyone was wondering, I did get Heidi to stay with me, but she got weirded out when she noticed that I constructed the walls with studs sixteen inches apart, rather than twenty.  I tried to explain to her that the nearby nuclear devastation would prove the non-traditional, some might even say greedy, spacing justified.  But she didn’t listen, and she escaped from my bunker.  I hope a cougar ate her. So now I sit, three years later.  My professional career is rolling once again.  Louis Anderson’s head was no longer a seaworthy vessel, and it sunk beneath the waves of his oceanic body of fat.  Needless to say, he perished, and I have agreed to assume the reins of Family Feud. I only hope that nobody learns of the heroin addiction I have recently been battling with.  My one question that remains to be answered should probably be addressed to the folks at RadioShack. WHO’S IN CHARGE OF SPELLING AROUND HERE   I mean WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR   this page brought to you by Jon from www.progressiveboink.com