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P-Boi Invades! Prom
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Written by Nick on May 25th - 2004

My high school career is perhaps the most depressing 4 years I could manage. I gave it my all and I'm quite impressed with how good a job I did at making sure I didn't enjoy a single minute. I found myself a senior fast approaching graduation day, but before I could call myself free I had to endure the most grueling, arduous task known to man: go to prom.

I went to my guidance department to purchase the tickets:

"Prom plz"

"Alright, Nick, are you bringing a date?"

"What do you think? (feeble attempt at flexing muscles)"

"NEXT!!!"

"I'm…I'm the only one here. Prom plz"

"(sigh) Fine, so you're bringing a date. What's her name, Mr. Dallamora?"

"Mary."

"Mary…. last name?"

"…..Dallamora"

"You don't actually intend on bringing your mother as your date to the senior prom, do you!?!?!?!"

"You had your chance, sweetie"

For those of you lucky enough to have avoided senior prom thus far, some kind words of advice: keep up the good work. What I've outlined for you here is a brief summary of what you could expect if you were to suddenly appear at a senior prom.

1.) Notice that your wallet is missing $90.
2.) Notice that you are suddenly surrounded by the 100+ most immature people on the planet, most of which are adorned in all white or some retarded combination of dockers and glitter.
3.) You have the sudden urge to leave.

Just to show you how painstakingly horrid the experience of attending one's senior prom is, I brought my digital camera to my own, as P-BOI INVADES PROM!!!

THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS

Lake Pearl, she's called, but I've grown accustomed to referring to it as "Lake Gay". There is less to do at this place than there is in a dishwasher. What a magical evening it was, too; magical in the sense that no one can explain how someone managed to both defecate on the dance floor and flee without being spotted.

Irish: "Prom Sucks"

A+. I think he just about put the kids to bed with that statement, and just in time for sportscenter. Touchdown, homerun, whatever sports reference you prefer, this kid's got the magic stick. Kudos.

This is the table I sat at. I am currently passing the plate of butter cubes to my right. You should also take notice that the lights in this place were actually inverted crucifixes, as seen to the left of the waitress' head.

Phil: "This place is a fuckin' mess"

After delivering this timeless quote, Phil proceeded to drop his cheese-covered fetus on his lap. He then said "These pants are a fuckin' mess".

Matt: "What the fuck"
Ashley: "Too bad my date is gay"

These two capture the romance-inducing atmosphere while others capture their dinner. They were later found eating crumbs off the floor for vital sustenance.

Audrey: "I got a bigger plate because I don't eat meat. Also, fuck your prom."
Jeff: "waht/"

I actually didn't get a quote from Jeff, but still felt the need to make his presence known. I actually didn't even get a chance to talk to him, actually, which is painfully fitting for prom, seeing as he seems like a pretty cool guy. Only figures I wouldn't get the chance to talk to him. AWKWARD AND ONWARD.

Kevin: "This salad dressing sucks"

A very good point, as most of the people in attendance mistook the salad dressing for gravy. When we found out that we were being served chicken parmesan questions soon arose as to why we were being served gravy. A brave soul tasted the liquid and remarked on its perkiness, suggesting that perhaps it was the salad dressing. Many a spiteful comment was made at this person for making such an outlandish comment, but the waitresses confirmed that it was, in fact, the worst salad dressing in the world.

Adam: "Party at Virgil's after Prom! B.Y.O.Handcuffs"

Virgil lives on the same street as a state cop. Virgil now lives on a bunk bed for 6 months, 3 with good behavior.

Valedictorian Corey: "I wonder if Jen wants that chicken…"

Probably the most upbeat statement I heard all night, and it isn't even really a positive comment.

Rick: "Enough said"

He stole my gravy dressing, so I tore out his eyeballs. (shrug).

Vincent: "Fuck your pron"

Just kidding! He's not really a waiter! He's actually a kid just like me!

Time to dance e'reyboty! That is what makes people like me end up alone the night of prom: not being able to dance. Kevin, as a nimble young lad, impresses a group of ladies as he dances to "Hey Ya", while a less graceful Phil on the left is preparing to sucker punch him in a seemingly desperate attempt to gather some attention. Chicks dig violence.

Matt and fellow-band mates of "Forest Henderson" Billy and Ryan entertain the crowd with their musical stylings. Phil, in the right hand corner, plots on how to sucker punch all four members of the band without risking his own physical state.

Kevin steals the microphone and sings "Hey Ya" to further impress the women. Phil, now in drunken stupor, claps on the left-hand side much in the fashion of a mesmerized ape.

Drummer Chris exclaims "Jigga" as the band wraps up their set. Now it is time for even more musical tomfoolery!

"The Fam", comprised of Virgil and Kevin, dedicate a hip-hop number to the law enforcement present at the facility. They were later found billy-clubbed and broken.

Sean poses with the vice principle Scott "Butch" Fleury. He later found a flask in Sean's pocket and pilfered the remains.

The electing of the Senior Prom Court has been considered one of the most important pieces of American pop-culture that is still practiced today. Tell me this; do you see Nick up there? No. Tell me it's not a sham. Try it. See how it feels TO LIE.

Also, shown above, Prince Phil. Knuckle-sandwiches = votes. America loves violence.

Not shown above: After-prom party pictures. There were three hotel parties after prom, all three of which were shut down before a single person got to get into a room. I, personally, went home and spent the night playing various videogames on Playstation 2 online. You will be glad to know that my MVP Baseball record has improved to 11 games over .500 and my head shot count in SOCOM has increased almost twofold.

So, heed these words of advice: Don't go to prom. You're just going to waste 90 bucks on what you think will be the last night you live as a virgin. Shit don't run like that, homez, no one really has sex for the first time the night after prom, only in the movies. You're best bet is to liquor up the girl next door until she loses all intuition. Call me classy.