Summer is coming, and for many of you I'm sure that can be a tough thought to cope with. The temperature is scorching, the air is stagnant and everything is sticky from sweat and humidity. You try and turn on a fan to help alleviate the situation, but that only serves to move around the same stale air you'd been having trouble choking down in the first place. The central air is broken and your landlord hopped a bus to Myrtle Beach for the month, so you're stuck swabbing yourself down with a package of frozen peas, hoping for some sort of instantaneous new ice age to spring into effect as a way of escaping this sweltering hell of an existence you once called a life.
Well, I don't have to deal with that problem. I live on Cape Cod, which means I can't go outside to get my paper in the morning without having to endure the onslaught of a refreshing ocean breeze coupled with the exhilarating aroma of sea salt mingling with the morning dew. I do understand that not everybody is quite so fortunate as I am, which is why it's important to stress that there are alternate means available to help "beat the heat," than up and relocating to a coastal paradise for a few months. And even though we're not all fortunate enough to afford one, I'm pretty sure we all know somebody who is. Grab the inflatable alligator and blow up those floaties, because I'm pretty sure you all know what I'm talking about...
Swimming pools!
Swimming pools are awesome. While residents of other countries would sell their parents into slavery just to sip a mouthful of cool, clear, refreshing water; those of us in America aren't content until we've harnessed it in mass quantities in a cement hole behind our houses for the sole purpose of wasteful loafing about, with some even going so far as to be content with simply staring and leaving it to serve as a monument to wealth and boastful arrogance. The most important aspect of owning a pool doesn't come from the knowledge that you can use it, but from the self-satisfaction which comes along with knowing that your neighbors can't. It's like the grown-up version of the trampoline theory. Everybody wants to jump on it, but you're happier burning ants with a magnifying glass instead.
Once or twice a summer however, you're afforded the chance to say to the world that you may be better, but you're not above letting everybody else share in a taste of that wealth. If anything, it'll only lead to them resenting their own lives and envying you even more than when the day began. So, grab a few cases of your favorite cola, stock up on the chips, make sure you've got plenty of disposable pool slippers and invite all of your friends over for a totally kickin' pool party!
Make Sure Throwing a Pool Party is the Right Decision for You!
Don't get ahead of yourself, though. Just because you're equipped for the job doesn't mean you should "dive right in," if you know what I mean! Throwing an event as significant as a summer pool party requires a certain finesse that I'm saddened to say not everybody possesses. I've gone ahead and taken the liberty of helping out though, by putting together a simple quiz capable of determining your proficiency in pulling off what's sure to be the perfect recipe for fun in the sun!
1. Do you like having fun? Yes ___ No ___
(if yes proceed to question #2)
2. Are you a vegetarian? Yes ___ No ___
(if yes click here and never come back, ruiner)
Sorry, but one of the main draws of a pool party comes from that sense of fullness and well-being one can attain only through gorging themselves full of processed meat, slathered in barbeque sauce and charcoal grilled to perfection. From personal experience I can say with authority that red paint doesn't act as an adequate substitution for ketchup. I'm not saying you guys CAN'T throw a bitchin' party, but I think you'd feel much more comfortable at a poetry jam or some sort of Dashiki and Pecculi convention is all. If anything, the heat would only serve to amplify that musky aroma of which you all seem to be so fond.
Set a Date!
"Dude, my parents are totally out of town for the weekend!"
It's been the rally cry for totally killer parties dating back to ancient Greece when Persephone and her friends would get together and toss back a few steins of mead with Hades while Demeter toiled in the fields, strung out on Ambrosia. Pick a date when you know your folks aren't going to be around. The last thing you want is for your old man to stumble out onto the patio in his underwear screaming about how he's sick and tired of finding your fucking burnt up Flexplay ez-D copies of "Disney's The Rescuers Down Under" strewn all over the Goddamned house. I find that funerals are a Godsend. Nothing ensures vacancy of Party Central quite like the death of an immediate family member.
Be weary though. If any number of formulaic sitcoms have taught me anything it's that some sort of unexpected snowstorm will ALWAYS result in your parents coming home early. It isn't anything a little prior planning can't handle, though. Couch stains can easily be covered by flipping the cushion, or in the event of both sides being soiled, a conveniently placed throw pillow. That broken table leg can be easily remedied with ordinary Elmer's glue. Oh, and as a cardinal rule, make sure and check any upstairs linen closets, just so the class nerd who decided to finally cut loose and have some fun doesn't tumble out right as you're confident about not being caught.
Assemble a Guest List!
You've sent grandma on a surprise trip to Vegas while convincing the rest of your family that she was abducted and murdered, so while they're in Jefferson City tending to her estate you'll have plenty of time to get your party off the ground. A garden won't amount to much without seeds to plant though, so get started on an invitation list. Don't get too excited though. Send invites to as few people as possible. The working theory is that the less people you invite, the more will end up wanting to come. To further pique peoples' interest, send out an "accidental" e-vite followed by an immediate apologetic retraction. Knowing that you didn't want certain people to show up specifically is only going to further nip at their curiosity and guarantee you a healthy return when it comes time to crank up the jams.
If you own an above ground pool make sure and denote this on the invitation by placing a box for the recipients to check if they are in fact comfortable with having a group of relative unknowns piss directly into their mouths. That's the closest thing to which the experience of swimming in an unfiltered cesspool of chemically treated slurry can be equated, after all. The only people who bother showing up to an above ground pool party are the ones you invite so that your cooler friends who hang out with you because your sister is hot will have other targets beside yourself upon whom to unleash a torrent of wet willies, purple nurples and rear admirals.
Make Outlandish Claims You Won't Possibly be Able to Keep!
With summer in full swing there's no telling what sort of stringent competition your party is going to compete against in order to pull heads and totally rock the house. If you don't get them to your place they could end up donating time to help the homeless or even volunteering down at the nursing center reading to the elderly. Since poor people smell bad and old people are depressing, you've got to do everything in your power to win over that crowd. My advice would be to outright lie. Sure, there's always some nagging long-term consequence to consider, but the key to a great party is livin' in the now!
If there's another party going on and they've managed to score a keg, claim to have two! Does that other party have a DJ? Well, you know that fresh new pop-punk band tearing up the charts with their sorrowful tales of lament and yearning for love long gone? Yeah man! They totally rock! Well, your cousin's friend knows the guy who works their merch table on occasion and he said they'd TOTALLY agreed to play your party! Remember kids: it isn't a lie until somebody calls you out for not telling the truth, so bask in the glory of that interim period for as long as possible. If somebody tries calling you out on your bullshit, that's nothing an even CRAZIER lie can't fix. It isn't like they'll be able to disprove your claim that dysentery season is in full effect, right?
Plan for Extra Guests!
People show up to good parties. Even more people show up to great ones. So even though you've got a set headcount you're expecting, do yourself a favor and prepare for more. If you're anticipating 30 guests, plan on entertaining 40. Make sure you've got enough food and drink to accommodate everybody, and be sure to have a wide variety of pool toys to keep everybody laughing and having fun. It's a known fact that nobody ever tires of being hit in the back of the head with a Fun Noodle while trying to take a sip of something so encourage your guests to let loose and go wild.
Don't be disappointed if guests decide to bring dates with them, either. You're a fun lovin' person and you should be able to go with the flow. I know you were hoping that the hot little number you've had your eye on all year would roll up to your party alone, but it's time to face facts man. How do I know that isn't her brother she's with? Well, unless she accidentally swallowed the keys to his Porsche and he's trying to fish them out with his tongue, I'd say that misconception can be put to rest. Don't take it so hard, dude. You're a great guy, but she just doesn't feel that way about you, you know? She says she didn't mean to lead you on and that she doesn't know what she'd do if she lost you as a friend. You'd better not forget to call her tomorrow so she can tell you all about how great of a listener you are and that she wishes for Craig to be even half as sensitive as you!
It's Time to Paaaaaaarty Down!
- Confront one of the kids who wrote in your yearbook how you were a really cool kid and you guys just HAD to hang out this summer as to why he hasn't bothered calling, even though you clearly left your name and number on all 16 of the designated autograph pages. If he tries to play off his grievous misconduct as nothing more than an oversight due in time due to his summer job, girlfriend or college preparations don't be afraid to get really, really passive. Inform him that it's cool and that you only offered to hang out because of how sorry you felt for him anyway. People were always making fun of him behind his back and he didn't even know it. But hey, whatever. You hope he has a great summer and you'll see him in ten years when he's serving you your #2 with pickles.
- It is important to remember that despite what you may have learned from Doug, you will be the only person in attendance who feels self-conscious about being seen in a bathing suit. If you're brave enough to throw inhibition to the wind on the ground that people will recognize your bravery and accept you for whom you are, just remember that even though last night's episode of "Joey" was hysterical, they are laughing at you. Wrap yourself in a towel and go inside to play Nintendo with Steve's kid brother who haaaad to come along because that bitch Loretta couldn't find a sitter. Once he turns 18, man, he's so out of there! If anybody asks why you're inside playing video games with a seven year old instead of guzzling down a couple of the warm brews Kinger swiped from his old man and hid in his trunk, just tell them that you got lost on your way to the bathroom and that the little crybaby wouldn't stop whining unless you'd show him how to bilk XBAND into paying for his long-distance Weaponlord sessions. Pfffft. Like you'd know anyway. Video games are for losers.
- There's no better way to show a girl that you like her than by shoving her into the pool, fully clothed, while she's trying to catch up with some friends. Not only does it give you a chance to show off your playful side, but she'll get to marvel at your hand-eye coordination as you attempt to fish her Razor phone out of the filtration system.
- Winning over a group of relative unknowns can be as simple as drinking as much beer imaginable in as little time possible. Forget pacing yourself. That's for lightweights and NASCAR drivers. Since you're not a dainty woman and this isn't the Daytona 500, go ahead and toss back that half-rack of Natty Ice. If the guys aren't impressed by how much you've drank, the amount you throw back up is sure to "seal the deal!"
The Aftermath!
Well, you've done it! You've managed to pull off the party of the summer! Yeah, you probably think you're a pretty hot ticket now, huh? Well, sorry to "burst your bubble," champ, but most of the people who showed up either won't remember your name five minutes after meeting you or didn't care enough to know it in the first place. Chances are, they just used your party as an excuse to score some free booze and make out with their girlfriend without having to worry about "the colonel" barging in and threatening to ship them off to military camp. You'll still be known as the kid who ripped a loud one during that moment of silence for the victims of 9/11, and I'm pretty sure the violent beatings aren't going to stop either.
But hey, you were king of summertime if only for a day. And that's the sort of memory no amount of packed ice or medical gauze will be able to take away.
I hope everybody was able to take something away from this guide. If nothing else, I hope you manage to have a great time this summer. Unless you're one of those spoiled kids who get to spend the entire season in Tuscany, partaking in all sort of manners of whimsy and delight, with oh so many romantic misunderstandings. If that's the case I hope you get hit by a fucking train, asshole.
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