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Baseball
Divisional Playoff Preview |
This year, we are
going to be treated to a truly special postseason. The cast
of teams is fully unlike any we've seen in the past few years,
This year's playoffs feature absolutely zero teams whom one would not expect to be in the playoffs. Seven of this year's eight teams have reached the playoffs at least once in the last three years, taking exception to this year's feel-good story, the Los Angeles Dodgers, who have not reached postseason play since 1996. That's an entire eight years. It took eight years for the Milwaukee Brewers to hit a ball out of the infield. I suppose it's irrational to expect our culture's pastime to deviate from our culture's dislike of change. Our delicate intellectual digestive systems demand consistency. If we saw a Royals-Expos World Series, we'd vomit out our innards and blood would come out of our eye sockets while we'd struggle in vain to recall a single member of either rotation. Not to mention that the Expos would have to play their home games in Bud Selig's backyard. "OK, we got a tennis
ball? Underhand pitches only. Home plate can be Angel
Berroa's glove. First Since we're so familiar with how these teams play on the national stage, we at ProgressiveBoink have decided to take advantage of this opportunity by predicting this year's winners via our in-house baseball simulator. Time to fire up some good ol' Pete Rose Pennant Fever '88 for DOS... 2004 BASEBALL PLAYOFFS AS SIMULATED BY "PETE ROSE PENNANT FEVER '88" FOR IBM AND COMPATIBLES All right, this is gonna rule--what? Aw, son of a bitch. All right...uh...let me see what else I have in this folder...here we go. 2004 BASEBALL PLAYOFFS AS SIMULATED BY "WARLORDS" FOR IBM AND COMPATIBLES Surprisingly enough, MLB playoffs are quite similar to the late-80s turn-based computer strategy wargame Warlords, in that both feature eight different competitors. Actually, that is the only conceivable way they could possibly be construed as similar, excepting that baseball and Warlords rank #2 and #3 on the list of most severely addictive entities in existence, above crack cocaine, yet just below a hypothetical Pac-Man arcade game that would spit out dollar bills and puppies every time you eat a ghost. Warlords is quite a different game from baseball. There are six primary skills to consider in baseball: hitting for average, hitting for power, speed, fielding ability, throwing arm, and pitching skill. Warlords is all about training hundreds of units and marching them across vast expanses of land to their certain eventual deaths. However, we must work with what we are given. Time for the first pitch. On to Atlanta, where the Braves open their Division Series matchup against the Astros. SIMULATION #1: BRAVES-ASTROS This is the main screen of Warlords. The larger window is the tactical map; to the right you see an all-inclusive map of Illuria, which, unfortunately, bears no resemblance whatsoever to a baseball diamond. And it's unfortunate that the Braves' stadium, Turner Field, doesn't look much like a poor man's Children's Palace. But enough nitpicking, a hero has emerged! All things considered, Andruw Jones is the most valuable member of the Atlanta Braves. He has considerable power at the plate and speed on the basepaths, but perhaps his greatest asset is what is most overlooked in baseball these days: his tremendous fielding. He's one of the best defensive center fielders in recent memory, and has been known for his clutch postseason bat. For example, he holds the record for youngest player ever to hit a home run in a World Series. He did so when he was 19, in his first ever World Series at-bat. And again in his second. The rest of the World Series pretty much consisted of the commentators making euphemistic jokes about how Andruw Jones was more like Hurricane Andruw. For continuity's sake, Jones then drove down to Florida, ripped roofs off of houses, flipped over cars, and beat 23 people to death with his baseball bat. Coming to Atlanta, though, is the hottest team in the major leagues, the Houston Astros. An interesting fact about the Houston Astros is that their stadium was originally named Enron Field, and they scrambled shortly thereafter to rename the park for obvious reasons. The Astros' greatest asset is likely Roger Clemens. An interesting fact about Roger Clemens is that he is a shithead and I want him to die. The Atlanta Braves
While not the most powerful team in the majors, Atlanta's offense is aided by clutch hitting and the ability to run a single into a double (Furcal can fly down the basepaths). The first game will pit them against Houston's Clemens in a matchup that will determine the momentum, and in all likelihood, the series. Let's run the simulator: Bam. Roger Clemens can retire a loser and go back to kidnapping old ladies and throwing them off bridges. Prediction: Braves win divisional playoff series, 3 to 1 SIMULATION #2: DODGERS-CARDINALS This season, the St. Louis Cardinals witnessed their franchise player post yet another MVP-caliber season. They figured to make a run for the--whoa, what the hell? What?!? Your hero can't get allies in the first turn of the game! But then again, that fits the Cardinals' estimable situation very well. Only instead of being accompanied by two dragons that look like Gummi Bears molded into winged scorpions, Pujols enjoys the help of Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds, who are themselves MVP candidates. The Dodgers have managed to squeak into the playoffs after following the front-office mantra of only signing players whose last names have ironic double meanings. They have Adrian Beltre, so named because he belted the ball for 48 home runs. They have Milton Bradley, so named because he acts like the kind of guy who would have a retarded name like that. And they have Eric Gagne, pronounced gone-yay, which is coincidentally what Cardinals announcers say whenever Pujols, Edmonds or Rolen tee off him. This is easily the most lopsided match of the game. By the time the series moves to Los Angeles in Game 3, it's unclear whether the Dodgers will even show up. Prediction: Cardinals win divisional playoff series, 3 to -2 SIMULATION #3: RED SOX-ANGELS Everyone knows about the infamous Angels curse. After winning the World Series in 2002, they failed to retain first baseman Scott Spiezio, and they've never won another championship. Nearly two years have passed since that Series win. 15-year-olds who were just getting their learner's permits then now have their driver's licenses. Emo was big then; screamo is big now. When the Angels were world champs, George Bush was President; now George Bush is President. The Halos are clearly overdue, but do they have what it takes to make a historic World Series run? Not if the upstart Boston Red Sox have anything to say about it. Fresh on the heels of a wild card championship, the Sox are determined to nix the sophomore jinx. So far, they're making a convincing argument. Their incredible offensive production is led by MVP candidate Manny Ramirez. Taking the hill in their first two starts are ace marksmen Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez. Why are the Red Sox green, you ask? Because Warlords only has one red army, and the Cardinals don't have a Green Monster. WICKED BAD JOKE One aspect in which the Sox are a little light is speed. Not surprisingly, the artificial-intelligence Red Sox opted to search for an effective leadoff man. Unfortunately, Warlords does not support free agency or minor-league callups, so they must resort to searching haunted ruins for a guy with a decent on-base percentage who can swipe the occasional base. Well, what do you know? Johnny Damon is exactly the spark the Sox need to top the Angels in this series and move onward. The key difference in these two teams can be plainly seen in the discrepancy in Anaheim's answer to Boston's Damon: Chone Figgins. His name is stupid. He looks stupid. His name is stu--wait, I covered that ground already. Let's see how he handles a ground ball. Ouch. Prediction: Red Sox win divisional playoff series, 3-1 SIMULATION #4: Twins-Yankees I'd better be forthright about this. I hate the Yankees. Aside from the Kansas City Chiefs, I do not love any team as much as I hate the New York Yankees. By proxy, whichever team happens to play the Yankees is my favorite team. They're a bunch of underachieving assholes who get far too much credit and attention, and they have enough payroll to buy every player on the Royals, Expos, Brewers and Devil Rays. Anyone who has ever rooted for the Yankees should be punched in the face with an airplane. I would love nothing more than for the hard-working, small-market Minnesota Twins to bitch-slap them to hell. However, I must maintain journalistic integrity, and report the results of this simulation fairly and accurately. Oh well, I'm sure the Twins can pull it off. First inning Second inning Wow, they're off to a strong start. Come on, Twinkies! Hustle ass! Third inning uh...guys? Fourth inning Come on, you fucking slobs! You're getting your asses kicked! Do something! Fifth inning SWING AT THE BALL, MEAT Sixth inning ARRRRRRGH FUCK THIS Journalistic integrity be damned. Time to step in. ... Ahhhhh...that felt good. *knock knock* Seneschal! Who is it that comes to my door at this time of night? Oh...it's you guys. Yeah, right. Like the Yankees, of all teams, deserve any sort of quarter. We should boil you all alive and feed you to Kirby Puckett. But then again... What would baseball be like without the Yankees? We need someone to cheer for, but we have a perhaps even greater need for someone to boo. They're an undeniably vital element of baseball history. I mean, I hate them and all, but it's mostly hyberbole. I don't really want to punch them in the face with an airplane. It's all in fun. It's only baseball. ... So after careful consideration, I've decided to accept a graceful surrender andNOPE AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TURN BACK SATAN, I HAVE KILLED YOUR MESSENGERS YOU SHALL HAVE NO QUARTER HERE MOUNT THEIR HEADS ON POSTS AND USE THEM AS FOUL POLES AT FENWAY DIE, YOU SOULLESS DESTROYERS OF LIFE DIE Prediction: Twins win divisional series, 3-2 Tune in in the coming weeks for LCS and World Series previews! Unless I go off the deep end and mass-murder another team! "Laughing out loud!"
Download Warlords.exe (543
KB) |
= City captured by Minnesota Twins
= City captured by New York Yankees
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