Scene 1

Pitfall Harry.  We're going left?

Yep!

Pitfall Harry. It's not my fault.  It's yours.

What are you talking about?

Pitfall Harry. I'm going the wrong way.  It's not my fault.  It's yours.

Why is left "wrong"?

Pitfall Harry.  It just is.

 Look, this is just the most comfortable way for me to play.  I have not yet been conditioned by the Nintendo to believe that life is but a simplistic, linear journey on a television screen that scrolls right.  Life is so much more.  You can actually go left if you're so inclined.  And it doesn't scroll so much as it just changes screens entirely.

Pitfall Harry.  So you're left-handed.  Who cares?  Why does that mean that you have to go left?  All the other Pitfall Harrys are going right.  What am I going to talk to them about when we're standing around the water cooler?

Talk about the football game last Sunday.

Pitfall Harry.  I hate football.

Oh, come on.  Run, pass, catch!  Touchdown, field goal, extra point!  Safety! 

Pitfall Harry.  I hate football.

Suit yourself.  I'm not going to talk to you anymore.  Go on, git.

[ "Reset" ]

Scene 2

Pitfall Harry.  We're going left?

...Hello?

Okay...okay.  This won't be so bad.  It's the same thing, only backwards. 

But...nobody has gone this way before.  I didn't even know the joystick moved left.  I didn't even know there was a "left".  I know only right and jump. 

Crocodile.  Perhaps things are different here?  Perhaps I do not devour, and water does not drown?

Pitfall Harry.  Perhaps... [ jumps on Crocodile's head ]

Crocodile.  See?  We are different  here.  We are at the absolute furthest end of the spectrum from the Right path, which you are used to.

Pitfall Harry.  How do you mean?  Do you mean opposite?

Crocodile.  Well, certainly!

Pitfall Harry.  How can that be?  An entity and its opposite are linked closer than anything else can be. 

Crocodile.  Your logic confuses me.

Pitfall Harry.  Observe.  What is the furthest thing from "love"?

Crocodile.  Hate?

Pitfall Harry.  Wrong!  Wrong.  The furthest thing from "love" is "a sock".

Crocodile.  I cannot understand.

Pitfall Harry.  Yes, you can.  It's abstract versus real.  General versus specific.  Vital element of humanity versus "a sock".

Crocodile.  I will not understand.

Pitfall Harry.  That's better.

Crocodile.  I live in the sea, I know not of these things.  I know only "open mouth", and "close mouth", and "conceal self in body of water which can't be more than two or three feet deep".

Pitfall Harry.  We are creatures of comfort, you and I.  Perhaps we have much to learn from each other.

Crocodile.  Perhaps we could catch the football game on Sunday together.  You like football?

Pitfall Harry.  I don't particularly care for it, unfortunately.

Crocodile.  Fucking asshole.  [ swallows PITFALL HARRY whole ]

Pitfall Harry.  Damn it!  You ended my life!  I only have two more of those fuckers!

Crocodile.   Whoa, how did you do that?

Pitfall Harry.  Do what?

Crocodile.  You skipped me!  You're on the other side of the board now!  You cheaty bastard!

Pitfall Harry.  "Cheaty"?  Who says "cheaty"?  Are you --

WH-WHA-WHOOAAAAAAA

Scene 3

Pitfall Harry.  You see the hit on Phil Simms?

Pitfall Harry.  Yeah, dude.  Fuckin' knocked his helmet off.

Pitfall Harry.  That John Elway.  Always throwin' the football like he's playin' a game.

Pitfall Harry.  You hear about Jim Brown?

Pitfall Harry.  No.

Pitfall Harry.  Rushed for like a million yards back in the day.  He retired a long time ago, though.  He was born in St. Simon's Island, Georgia, in 1936.

Pitfall Harry.  Hah!  That figures!

Pitfall Harry.  That Jim Brown.  Always bein' birthed.

Pitfall Harry.  GUYS GUYS GUYS

Pitfall Harry.   What?

Pitfall Harry.   What?

Pitfall Harry.   What?

Pitfall Harry.  [ panting ] I WENT LEFT, I WENT THE OTHER WAY, AND THE CROCODILE, HE TALKED TO ME, AND WE CHATTED A BIT ON THE CURIOUS NATURE OF THINGS, AND HE DEVOURED ME, AND I FELL FROM THE SKY ON THE OTHER SIDE SO I SKIPPED HIM.  IT'S LIKE A GLITCH IN THE GAME

Pitfall Harry.   Crocodiles don't talk.

Pitfall Harry.   Crocodile's don't talk.

Pitfall Harry.   Crocodile is don't talk.

Pitfall Harry.   Well, I thought it was pretty neat.

[ silence ]

Pitfall Harry.   So, "football game", eh?

Pitfall Harry.   Man, that's what I've been saying all season long.

Pitfall Harry.   Oh fuck you dude.

Pitfall Harry.   [ trudges off stage ]

Scene 4

Pitfall Harry.   [ groans ]

It has been hours.  My body aches, and my poor, swollen feet are ruined.  But I must press forward.  Only I have the resolve to explore what has never been explored.  I mean, how many kids bought Pitfall?  Like five million?  And I bet there were only a few kids weird enough to want to go left instead of right.  And the programmers wouldn't have enabled the player to go left unless it was for a really good reason, right?  Right?

Airline passengers.  Please help us.  Our luggage has been lost.  Will you help us find it?

Pitfall Harry.   What...the...fuck.

Airline passengers.  Please spare us the slack-jawed gawkery.  We're just trying to do our job, which is luggage-losing and subsequent luggage-finding.  It's not our fault that the programmers of Pitfall managed to sneak a full version of "Lost Luggage" into their game.  It's not our fault that these mystic woods give shade to our international airport.  Help us locate our luggage. 

Pitfall Harry.   Guys, it's right there.  And what is your luggage doing out on the runway?  Shouldn't it be inside the terminal up there?

Airline passengers.  That's not a terminal.  That's a roulette table.  Isn't it kind of ironic, since roulette is a game of "chance", and you had a "chance" to meet us?

Pitfall Harry.   I'm afraid not.

Airline passengers.  Fiddlesticks.

Pitfall Harry.   Your luggage is...uh...walking around.

Airline passengers.  Yeah, the idea behind the game, also known as "our lives", is to catch the suitcases from walking into those borders.  Which, incidentally, are the same color as your shirt.  Sorry about that.

Pitfall Harry.   So, what happens if one of your suitcases hit one of the walls?

Airline passengers.  Um, they all open up and turn into bras and other comically embarrassing undergarments.

Pitfall Harry.  Are those shoes I see?  Why I never.

Airline passengers.  I know, right?

Pitfall Harry.  There's something I don't understand.  The plane is clearly landing in the background behind you.  That's the plane you're supposed to be on, right?  Why are you standing on the runway?

Airline passengers.  "Why".  We don't ask that question around here.  Help us find our luggage.

Pitfall Harry.  Uh, it's right --

Airline passengers.  HELP US FIND OUR LUGGAGE.  IT IS LOST.  HELP US FIND OUR "LOST LUGGAGE".

Pitfall Harry:  I've actually got to walk away so you guys will get the hell off my screen.  Later!

Airline passengers.  HELP US FI

Scene 5

Pitfall Harry.   It has now been days.  I have traveled for so long that I am no longer sure that I have not covered this trail before.

Pitfall Harry.   Well, this certainly is an easy screen!  It's about ti--OH SHIT SINKHOLE

Pitfall Harry.   Where am I?

Q-bert.  Where you are does not matter.  What does matter is that you are located in Q-bert's domain.

Pitfall Harry.   At least I'm somewhere I haven't been.  I've been re-tracing my steps for hours!

Q-bert.  And I suppose you think you won't be doing that here?  Do you think that you won't need to re-trace your steps where you are now?

Pitfall Harry.   I'm standing in some sort of alternate dimension on a mountain of ice cubes next to a guy with a foot-long nose.  I'm not quite sure what to think.

Q-bert.  I see.  Oh, I see.

Pitfall Harry.   Why do you keep saying everything twice?

Q-bert.  I'm afraid it's a force of habit.  On this mountain of ice cubes over which I hold lordship, I hop around and light up the blocks as perhaps an armless Vanna White would.  But it never ends.  The mission is never accomplished.  When you change every block, it starts over again, with nary a chance to admire your accomplishment.

Pitfall Harry.  That is...sadly, strangely familiar.

Q-bert.  Such is the blessing and curse of the Atari 2600.  Children who own Nintendos and children who own Ataris cannot understand each other.  The child with the Atari brings it to show and tell and boasts that the games "never end".  The child with the Nintendo brings it to show and tell and boasts that the games "are fun to play."

Pitfall Harry.  Why would the player want to play a game that ended?

Q-bert.  Fool!  Would you build a house that would remain standing after you were gone from the world?  Would you work to leave a lasting impression upon your friends, family and community after your death?  Of course you wouldn't!  Then why would you want a video game that went on and on until you were dead?  Humanity needs closure.  Watch out for that ball which turns into a snake for some reason.

Pitfall Harry.  Aren't you going to move out of the way?

Q-bert.  Of course not!  What good will preserving my life do me?  I'm a character in an Atari video game.  I am immortal.  What a comical twist of fate that small children across the world are stricken with terminal illnesses, and I am cursed to roam this neatly-stacked assortment of boxes for eternity.  Of course I'd like to leave it.  I've tried many times.  Yet here I remain, hopping on blocks for eternity.  I used to cry about it, but not anymore.  Now I hop instead of cry.  Each breath I take is an expression of my mourning.

Pitfall Harry.  What a gloomy Gus.

Q-bert.  Gloomy Q-Bert, actually.  But don't fret, I know what you were trying to say.

Pitfall Harry.  [ checks watch ]

Q-bert.  Oh bullshit, like you have a watch.  The 2600 has barely enough resolution to give you a head.  How are they gonna give you a watch?

Pitfall Harry.  It's a social device I use to send the signal that I really don't want to be here.

Q-bert.  By all means.  If you can figure out how to get out!  In my approximately twenty-six years of confinement to this block prison, I've yet to find an escape.

Pitfall Harry.  You know about this escape hatch, right?  You use it to escape.  It's easy!  Just use your hands to open up the hatch and escape.

Q-bert.  Fantastic!  I'm so glad that someone finally came around these parts so I'd have someone to open the hatch for me!  Since I don't have any arms! 

Pitfall Harry.  See ya!  Have a good summer!

Q-bert.  Your wishes are well appreciated; however, my home is in an alternate dimension in which the passing of seasons seems to have made little or no impact.  Therefore, I will likely be unable to gauge when summer comes, and I may concentrate on having a "good summer" before or after summer begins.  OK, time to duck out this hatch before it closes, as I will be physically unable to open the door in the event that it should --

Oh, shitballs.

Scene 6

Pitfall Harry.  Now let's see where the hell this hatch opens up to...

Oh shit.

Pitfall Harry.  This had better not be what I think it is. 

E.T.  E.T. PHONE HOME

Pitfall Harry.  Aw fucking hell.

E.T.  FUN GAME!!!

Pitfall Harry.  What?

E.T.  FUN GAME!!!

Pitfall Harry.  Yeah, I heard you.  I've just heard really bad things about this game.

E.T.  I CAN HELP.  STRETCH NECK, FLY AROUND, FIND TELEPHONE PARTS, NOT GET CAPTURED

Pitfall Harry.  You know, that sounds like a lot of fun, but I think I'm gonna go find a tree branch to stab myself with.

E.T.  BE GOOD

Pitfall Harry.  Yeah, okay.

What a strange place this is. 

Perspective has no meaning here!  The dark spots are holes in the ground, indicating that I am seeing things from a bird's eye view.  However, I am displayed as standing upright!  I actually walk on top of trees and other things in the background that I have no business walking over!

Street Evangelist.  You know, there was one man who could walk over anything -- but he was most famous for walking on water.  Do you know who I'm talking about?  Jesus!

Pitfall Harry.  Jesus, huh?  You know, I've been hitting a lot of peaks and valleys in my life, and I'd really like a "lifesaver" in the figurative sense, if you know what I mean.

Street Evangelist.  Well, Jesus can be that lifesaver!

Pitfall Harry.  I'm kind of skeptical about this stuff, though.  How do I know Jesus is really the Son of God?

Street Evangelist.  Pitfall Harry, have you ever seen the wind?

Pitfall Harry.  Nope!

Street Evangelist.  Now pray with me:  "Lord Jesus, I invite you to come into my heart forever.  Amen."

Pitfall Harry.  A-men!

Street Evangelist.  Here's a tract illustrating how the cross of Jesus bridges the chasm between God and Man.  See ya.

Pitfall Harry.  I have some questions about my newfound faith!

Street Evangelist.  Get the fuck out of my way.

Pitfall Harry.  It would appear as though I'm stuck here.  I should never have played Pitfall in reverse.  Am I now confined to this place for eternity?  This land is but a six-screen planet that takes eight seconds to circumvent.  Surely this would not be my fate! 

And why couldn't it be?

Pitfall Harry.  Because it's me, don't you understand?  ME!  You do not exist, other people do not exist, there is only ME, and the things which surround ME.  The physical manifestations of what I call "people" are merely apparitions of a loving imagination or God for the purpose of serving as receptacles of my ill will and blame for my shortcomings!  Does any of this matter?  Does anything matter other than my moment-to-moment physical satisfaction?  No!

I expected you to have learned a few things along the way by now.

Pitfall Harry.  Yes.  Going left in Pitfall is a bad idea.  Oh, and Jesus is Lord.

 Wake up, Harry.

Scene 7

Pitfall Harry.  You fell asleep.

Pitfall Harry.  How long has it been?

Pitfall Harry.  Two days, I believe.

Pitfall Harry.  This sure is a sickly-looking tree.

Pitfall Harry.  I sure hope he gets here soon.  I have pressing business afoot!  What's his name again?

Pitfall Harry.  Godot.

Pitfall Harry.  Let's wait for him.

Pitfall Harry.  I thought that's what we were doing.

Pitfall Harry.  Yeah.  Just figured it needed to be said.

Pitfall Harry.  So, uh, I did actually go through those travels through backwards Pitfall, right?

Pitfall Harry.  Yeah.  Dad came out to pick you up from the forest last night.  You were asleep for the whole car ride home.  But rest assured, your place in Pitfall! lore is safe.

Pitfall Harry.  What's with the exclamation mark?

Pitfall Harry.  That's how you're supposed to say it.  It's on the cartridge that way, anyway.

Pitfall Harry.  I did not know that.  But I'll remember that from now on.

Pitfall! Harry.  Hey, the more you know.

Pitfall! Harry.  There he is!

Pitfall! Harry.  But how are we going to cross the black lake of doom?  There's no vine to swing from.

Pitfall! Harry.  Wait a second...I have an idea.  Fetch me a board and some nails.  Check out this blueprint I have.

[ noises of saw and hammer hard at work ]

Pitfall! Harry.  Isn't that great?  Some guy from the E.T. game showed me how to build a bridge from Man to Godot!  The most efficient and architecturally sound bridge that can possibly be built is a cross!  Did you know that?

Pitfall! Harry.  Really?  I'm having difficulty seeing that.  First, its center of gravity is way off.  The second you stand on that thing, it's gonna tip.  Second, how are you planning to ascend that vertical board?  It's quite a jump.

Pitfall! Harry.  Hmm...maybe you're right.  Here, let me get a plank of wood.  That ought to do the trick.

Pitfall! Harry.  Crap.  I guess I'd better go track down some guy who got beat down by a 2x4 and accept him into my heart.

Pitfall! Harry.  Godot!  What's up, man?

Pitfall! Godot.  lol nm

Scene 8/ Epilogue

Pitfall! Harry.  So...you went through the game backwards, eh?

Pitfall! Harry.  Yeah.  Yeah, I did.

Pitfall! Harry.  As the principal character of the game whose horizons you expanded dramatically, the whole experience has profound meaning to all our lives.

Pitfall! Harry.  Shut up, man!  Game's on.

Pitfall! Harry.  Hey Harry, we got a new TV.  Did you see it?

Pitfall! Harry.  Yeah man, pretty nice.

Pitfall! Harry.  If I swivel it right I can see it from my cubicle.

Pitfall! Harry.  What, so you can see your boy Warren Moon get the shit popped out of him?

Pitfall! Harry.  *swipes playfully* Dude, shut the fuck up.  The Oilers are gonna fuckin' KILL Cleveland.

Pitfall! Harry.  So Harry, football's not so bad, eh?

Pitfall! Harry.  [ smiles ]  No...no.  I guess it ain't.