Perverted Moments In Video Games
PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU. COME INSIDE
Written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on February 14, 2002

FOREWORD:
February 5, 2025 - Three years ago, I started a website called Poprocks & Coke. It was basically my own, personal version of sites like X-Entertainment, & while it wasn't the first website to virtually copy its old=lol article style, many followed in my footsteps. And while I'm not very proud of that fact, I've since learned from it & grown as a writer on the internet.

What you are about to read is the second feature I wrote for Poprocks & Coke, a gallery of pictures from video games that I used to laugh at when I was younger, because of its unintentional sexual innuendo. Again, features just like it have been written both before (see: Seanbaby.com) and after (see: I-Mockery.com), so while it may be the least original thing here on Progressive Boink, I keep it up here for archival purposes. I updated it a few times on my old website, but for here, I've kept it in its original format. So, without further ado, here's the original draft of Perverted Moments In Video Games.

Here's something important that everybody needs to know about me: I like video games. I played a lot of video games growing up, & I'm reasonably good at them. Not SWEET MOTHER OF GOD good. I mean, I do go outside a lot, too. But I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty effing good. As a kid, video games were an important part of my social bonding. My friends & I would go to each other's houses to play video games on a regular basis. And the following conversation has taken place at least 100 times:

(friend holds up a game) "Have you ever beaten this?"
Yup.
(friend hands me the game & points to a nearby television) "Beat it."
Ok. (proceeds to beat it)

Here's something even more important that everybody needs to know about me: I'm a boy. Boys have Y-chromosomes. And with Y-chromosomes comes the natural habit of being perverted. And if you tie that in with the love of video games that I shared with my other Y-chromosome-infested childhood companions, what do you get? I'll tell you what you get. Childhood memories that will last a lifetime, that's what. Not to mention perfectly good website content.

And so, I present to you said perfectly good website content in honor of today's holiday... that's right kids, it's February 14... Ken's birthday!

Ladies, ladies... there's enough Shoryuken to go around.

This little gem is from the boxing game, Ring King. I was never exactly sure what those ringside crew guys were doing to prepare their fighters for the next round, but... well, the picture speaks for itself.

A lot of times, however, perverted moments in video games come about as a result of the differences between cultures, namely Japan. In Japan, it's acceptable to be a total pervert. In fact, it's quite normal. Their Saturday morning cartoon line up consists mostly of shows about girls with short skirts, long legs, & magic wands. And their video games consist mostly of naked teenagers hanging out in the sauna.

In River City Ransom, you roam about the city trying to save your kidnapped girlfriend. But even heroes need to take breaks. There are plenty of strip malls along the way so you can order fast food, buy CD's, check out books from the library, & buy teddy bears: all essential keys to saving the city from the groups of students & evil mob bosses that terrorize it. And of course, there's no better way to relieve tension than to hit the local sauna & spend a half hour that you could be using to rescue your girlfriend to pretend she's giving you a back massage in the jungle. Ahh, the pinnacle of high school life.

Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! Before Mike Tyson came out of the cannibalistic rapist closet (sort of like the gay closet, only instead of leather pants, ketchup), he was a well-respected boxer. Well-respected enough to become one of the first celebrities to ever have a video game named after him. You fought Mike Tyson at the end of Punch Out, but he didn't bite your ear or slap you across the face or anything. Instead -- get this -- he punched you a lot. To get to the point, there was nothing perverted about Mike Tyson in this game. The perversion was brought to us by two lesser known fighters.

It's written somewhere in the big book of video game rules that every fighting game has to include a fat guy. In Punch Out, the honor belongs to King Hippo. If you manage to suck enough to have to go to Round 2, your manager, Carl Winslow, will reveal that your opponent has a weakness! Well, you've see the bandage on his belly button, but you thought that was to keep people from getting lost inside it. It didn't take long for you to learn that if you punch King Hippo in the mouth, his pants fall down, & not only do you have a clear view of his tighty whities, but you also have a clear shot at his injured navel. How one injures a navel is beyond me. Maybe he stuck a pencil in it & accidentally punctured himself.

And now, presenting Super Macho Man & his jiggling man boobies! This, of course, isn't supposed to be perverted. It's supposed to show that Super Macho Man is really buff & he can make his pecs do a little dance. But of course, as 8-year-olds who spend recess telling wiener jokes, we made this perverted. This was the funniest thing we'd seen in a video game. Ever.

I have a pretty vivid imagination, & at 8 years old, finding raunchy second meanings to everything wasn't that hard. Especially in video games. Take the final level of Contra, for instance.

My friends & I had somehow established that the purple creatures were boobs & that the white, flaky stuff they spit at you was actually poison alien milk. And after we laughed our heads off at the evil racks of doom, we reached the part shown in the picture on the right... the evil Total Recall rack of doom.

By now you're probably wondering when I'm going to get to the intentionally sexual games, like Custer's Revenge & Bubble Bath Babes. As far as I'm concerned, that's covered territory, so if you want your pixel porn, you're going to want to head over to Seanbaby's Brief History of Video Games. This page is about having to be perverted the old-fashioned way, by using our imaginations just like the Muppet Babies taught us.

There was a really stupid game that not too many people knew about called Monster Party. My friend Bobby had the privilege of being the one of 10 people to have purchased this game. It was that bad. Even when we were 9. Now the perverted part of this game is pretty brief. And due to our lack of... ahem, knowledge at the age of 9, we totally missed it. But I recently played the game again & now that I'm a perverted 21-year-old, it hit me.

	Here we have a pair of legs sticking up from the ground. A pretty good start, if you think hard enough.
	And here we have some statues sticking their tongues out. Also pretty perverted with a little thought. Now, put the two together...
	BINGO

Even with all this, there was one video game series that was notorious for underlying perversion... Zelda. To pick out all the times a Zelda game made me go, "Huh-huh. That was cool," I'd have to count to zero, because I'm not Beavis. But assuming I was, the number would be a lot higher, & frankly, I don't want to spend that much time on it. So I'll just take 2 moments that immediately come to mind.

The first one is in Zelda 2: the Adventure of Link, when Link enters a town. He meets up with a woman in a red dress strutting outside of her little house. Link approaches her & she invites him to "PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU. COME INSIDE." She slowly makes her way to the door, & if Link follows her in before she shuts it, all you see is the woman saying, "I CAN RESTORE YOUR LIFE!" My friends & I had several theories about how exactly she restored Link's life, & we made sure to make the appropriate noises whenever Link entered the darkened doorway.

Later on Link met up with an old lady glowing orange with radiation, & when he followed her into her house, she gave him magic. Ewwwwwwwww!!

The second perverted Zelda moment is in Ocarina of Time, when Link wakes up after 7 years & is a young adult. First off, when he wakes up, he's wearing tights & has his ears pierces, neither of which were present when he was a kid. And the only sign of life around is a dirty old man in a robe named Rauru. He looks a bit out of breath, & frankly, I was too scared to jump to conclusions. So I just smiled & nodded as he told me about how I'm destined to save Hyrule or some junk like that.

Then, oh my stars... THEN, dear friends, Link makes his way out of the Temple of Time & to the Ghost Shop at the remains of the castle entrance. The freaky dude in the Ghost Shop talks for a bit, & then starts going off about how strong & handsome I am. And then he adds this...

Wait a minute... WHAT?!

"If I looked as good as you, I could run a different kind of business...heh he heh..." A lot of people think it's funny when video games are badly translated into English & contain lines such as "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" or "CONGRATULATION!! A WINNER IS YOU!!" But this, by far, gets my vote for best video game quote of all time.

Alright, for this last entry, I'm going to include an intentionally perverted moment that we missed out on as kids. A friend of mine, whom I told about this article idea, was so kind to send me a game called Kid Niki 3. Here in the States, we only got one Kid Niki game. It was called Kid Niki: Radical Ninja. But apparently Japan got some sequels, including this game. The key moment in this game is in Level 2, starting from the very beginning of the level...

HOLY... IT CAN'T BE!!!

Oh, but it is. It's a little naked statue. And it... it's shooting at you! How did this ever manage to get into a publicly sold video game?! I'm speechless.

And that concludes today's episode. Was it as good for you as it was for me? Probably not, but just pretend. For me.