Hanstock | mallroy@yahoo.com | AIM: BlueCarolina97
The first time I heard about The Onion was in 1998 or 1999. One of my best friends told me about “a fake newspaper” which he described as an “adult Mad Magazine”. He regaled me with tales of his favorite article, entitled “Area Bassist Fellated”, then laughed into his fist for ninety seconds while I stared at him vacantly. When he regained composure, he said “Fellated!” then began laughing again.
A couple years later I flipped through an Onion book I saw at a B. Dalton and I breathed a “holy shit” before bursting into laughter. I subsequently purchased the “Our Dumb Century” book and officially became a fan.
The Onion has been an internet institution since the inception of the World Wide Web itself, and for damn good reasons. In terms of writing, comedy, and pure innovation, the writers at The Onion continue to set the bar higher, and for that I think we’re all thankful.
Hanstock's favorites:
(click pictures for full articles)
10
Manic-Depressive Friend A Blast While Manic
His condition causes him to experience cyclical bouts of prolonged depression followed by spells of mania, characterized by irrational feelings of elation, delusions of grandeur, and boundless energy. It is in this heightened state, friends say, that Ruzek is awesome.
One of the things that The Onion does best is create a news story from the mundane aspects of everyday life. The “Local” section of The Onion is always a look at the little human quirks in all of us that are, frankly, pretty idiotic and kind of lame.
9
I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic
While it may be nitpicking, the Wikipedia article states that "Weird Al" appears in The Naked Gun. It would be more accurate to say that "Weird Al" has appeared in all three Naked Gun films.
The writers at The Onion are humongous nerds like all of the rest of us, but at least they can recognize that our nerdish obsessions, when taken too seriously, are pretty idiotic. The fact that this author actually knows so much about Weird Al demonstrates that he’s just as big a nerd as the mindset he’s poking fun at, but he’s cognizant of how much of a jerkoff he could be if he used this knowledge for evil.
It’s also funny because I knew all of the information in the article and I agree: Weird Al’s Wikipedia page could use some work.
8
Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho
Campus-wide sources said the amazingly hot Blake, who works at the reception desk in the bursar's office, isn't just built like, kapow, but also has the most incredible, luscious hair ever.
The Onion can manage to take any subject matter and turn it into something hilarious that makes you go, “Oh man, I know, right?” It’s nice to know that while I’m taking thirteen hours to think “what if the Care Bears were in the Grand Theft Auto universe?” the dudes over at The Onion are like, “Hey I had a hamburger for lunch.” Then write something about a guy eating a hamburger that will be more hilarious than anything I could ever think of. And they do it EVERY DAY.
7
Iraqi POW Wins Nobel Prize for Screaming
Al-Fassan, kept in a 3x3-foot locked box for the bulk of his captivity, thanked the Nobel Committee for the prestigious award: "Please. No. No more. No."
“Nobel Prize for Screaming” is one of the most hilarious combinations of words I have ever seen. The article could just have been the title and it would still have made the list.
6
Today's Kids Have No Valor
Last week, I spied a young man exchanging money for a "Snickers" candy bar. Money? Exchange? Where is the honor in such an act? And further, he did not even stab the cashier when he left.
Vikings? Check. Old-timey vernacular? Check. Hilarious article? Tremendous author picture? Check check check. If the Vikings visited our modern times, they would be shocked and appalled at our lack of tenacity. We have grown soft and cowardly, America! Make Higelac proud, citizens! Run a barista through with your fiery sword! Let your cheeks overflow with the mead of fearlessness! Hwaet! Lo!
5
Bro, You’re A God Among Bros
Just when I think you're as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You're like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere.
Sometimes an Onion opinion piece is made as amazing as it is by the selection of author picture. And sometimes it combines with something as spectacular as this piece and becomes PERFECT.
4
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot
"Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!" added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.
Another example of photographs helping to aid the hilarity of an article. But really, when you have the word “Pyongyang” to work with, you can’t really go wrong.
3
Dane Cook Parlays New Burger King Menu Item Into Hour-Long HBO Special
"Bro, I got a solid 15 [minutes] on the name alone," said Cook on the "Danecast" video weblog feature on his MySpace page. "I'm still working out the kinks, but I'm probably gonna call it the 'T-Dubs' or maybe the 'Spicy Dub-Whops.'"
Okay, I’ll be honest: I do enjoy Dane Cook. I think he’s funny. He makes me laugh. I have been known to quote him. But this piece is so amazing at copying his voice and his cadence that when I linked it to another Dane Cook fan, I realized why a lot of people hate Dane Cook fans: because a lot of Dane Cook fans are kinda dumb.
HIM (2:40:56 PM): NICE
ME (2:41:09 PM): you know it's a satire, right
HIM (2:41:23 PM): a what?
ME (2:41:29 PM): it's not real
HIM (2:41:39 PM): whats not real?
ME (2:41:45 PM): the article
HIM (2:42:08 PM): what the hell, why would you send me a fake article
HIM (2:42:09 PM): lol
ME (2:42:18 PM): lol you thought it was real
HIM (2:42:47 PM): yeah
HIM (2:42:53 PM): i was getting all excited
ME (2:43:03 PM): hahahaaha
2
I Appreciate the Muppets on a Much Deeper Level Than You
Hear me now: Jim Henson was Kermit. Steve Whitmire is a Henson impersonator. Admittedly, a damn talented one—his Ernie, in particular, nearly captures the affability and innocence of the original—but the equal of Henson? Step back from the brink, Dennis.
Take it from a guy with a Muppet tattoo, I am no stranger to Muppet elitism. This is a great example of using extensive nerd knowledge that will make the non-fanboys laugh and laugh, and make those of us who are the uber-nerds they’re talking about say “haha, yep…we’re pretty lame all things considered” and then laugh even harder.
1
HOLY SHIT, MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON
“I abso-fucking-lutely am standing on the surface of the fucking moon. I am talking to you from the goddamned fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.”
When I got to this page in the Our Dumb Century book, it’s probably the longest, hardest sustained laugh I’ve ever had in my entire life. Practically screaming laughter, tears streaming down my face, unable to breathe, throat aching. Probably seven or eight minutes straight. One of the funniest things I have ever seen or read. To this day, it still makes me laugh and remains far and away my favorite Onion piece of all time. Our Dumb Century is one of the most inspired things ever created in humor writing, and I want to thank The Onion for creating it, and for continuing to be the best humor collective on the internet. Everyone else is constantly gasping to catch up, and it shouldn’t be any other way.