An
Excuse for Topical Humor: The Olsen Twinz
You got it, dude!
written by Jt - July 6th, 2004
You know what I got for my 18th birthday? It was a banner fucking year at the Taylor household. I got a carton of cigarettes. My old man grabbed me and said "HEY. SMOKE UP JOHNNY." Actually, that was just me trying to be clever by satirizing a pop culture movie called "The Breakfast Club". My name really isn't Johnny, either.
You know, with Judd Nelson.
From Suddenly Susan.
Starring Brooke Shields.
Who made a cameo in The Bachelor which starred Renee Zellweger.
Who was in Cold Mountain with Donald Sutherland...
Who was in JFK with KEVIN BACON
WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But yeah, I really did get a carton of cigarettes. That's beside the point. The fact is, I'm pissed off. WHY? I got a perfectly good box containing a cancerous, deadly substance propagated by the villainous tobacco companies who are only out for the triteness of currency.
So why complain about a carton of cigarettes? Mostly because it's a carton of cigarettes and not THREE HUNDRED-MILLION DOLLARS.
I mean, I think my childhood has
been fairly productive. Well, no, no it hasn't. If my childhood
was productive, I sure as hell wouldn't volunteer to write for an
entertainment-based website. No, I'd be STARVING. That's what
they call a segue, ladies and gentlemen.
TAEK IT OFF/
Ah, the Olsen Twins, America's penis-led obsession. I just don't get it. To me, they just look like whored-up 15-year old girls. I mean, I'm not a picky guy, and I've found my standards to be relatively low, especially considering that I find the mother from “Everybody Loves Raymond” attractive, but these girls just don't do anything for me. For one thing, their lack of breasts makes the obsession of men twice their age that much creepier. I mean, do you realize that Mary Kate is only 5'1"? You people are lusting over an 18-year old girl trapped in a 12 year-old’s body. That’s exactly like Freaky Friday. And if you’re going to go by Freaky Friday, you might as well go with the boobtastic Lindsay Lohan. Or Jamie Lee Curtis. But that's just my opinion. Time for a survey, Scott Hall-style:
What's the 18 - 35 male demographic saying? *hiccup*
I think most men like them because of the twin thing. They consider that the ultimate ménage a trios fantasy.
They're rich, they have fabulous careers, and they're pretty attractive for that age. Also, they [were] illegal. I think that turns people on.
i am gay
Justin makes a good point about
the illegal thing. During the days of prohibition, alcohol (and
moonshine as well) was illegal. Obviously, this meant that booze
was the hot-ticket item. In a sense, it was the beer of today.
However, when prohibition was abolished in 1927, getting
"krunked up" just wasn't as cool as it used to be.
THAT, my friends, is why the Olsen Twins have lost their steam.
They’re 18. They’re used goods. Totally legal. The same
illegal lure? Gone. It's only a matter of time before their
careers begin to pull a Corey Haim,
Kirstie Alley, Curt Kurt Cobain and OVERDOSE
ON DRUGS, GET FAT, SHOOT THEMSELVES IN
THE FACE.
I posted this picture for no reason other than that I find Emma Watson attractive
The bottom line is, the Olsen Twins need to think about a change in career - and fast. What can they do besides…whatever it is that they have done for the past 18 years? When you think about it, it's obvious that they need to become professional wrestlers and feud with the Hardy Boyz. Otherwise, I'd have to throw all these eating disorder jokes out the window. And if that happened, I'd have to go back to my solid mainstay of O.J. Simpson jokes. You could say that would KILL this article. WITH A KNIFE
So now that I've randomly decided that the Olsen Twinz (the 'z' replaces the 's' to show how ‘xtreme’ they are, and the word “xtreme” without the first ‘e’ just increases the level of xtremity ten-fold) with the Hardy Boyz (a team 2 Xtreme for actual, coherent words), I should do a little pre-match analysis of each wrestler - if only for the inevitable eating disorder jokes. Oh, and if you were hoping for the whore jokes, don’t worry. A Paris Hilton article is in the works.
THE HARDY BOYZ VS. THE OLSEN
TWINZ
or "Team Xtreme" vs. "Teen AnoreXia"
MATT!
Finishing move: Twist of
Fate
PROS: European Champion; Hardcore Champion; World Tag Team
Champion; WWE Cruiserweight Champion; WCW Tag Team Champion
CONS: Can't act his way out of a small paper bag.
JEFF!
Finishing move: Swanton Bomb
PROS: Intercontinental
Champion, European Champion, Hardcore Champion, World Tag Team
Champion, WWE Light Heavyweight Champion, WCW Tag Team Champion
CONS: Has a supposed drug problem, which may or may not
have to do with the fact that he’s A FUCKING RAVER.
Team Combo: Poetry in Motion
From Full House, ABC, weighing in at 70 pounds, it's...
MARY KATE!
Finishing move: Skinthin
Bomb, Skin-n-Bones Bomb, THE I NEED TO EAT SOME FOOD BOMB
PROS: The large tumor-shaped bone on her back can be used
as a foreign object
CONS: Will probably die upon getting punched in the
stomach.
UPDATE: It’s now rumored the Mary Kate isn’t in
rehabilitation for an eating disorder, but for cocaine addiction.
In that case, her finishing move can be called “The Thin
White Line.” That totally fits with the eating disorder
thing while adding in room for her potential drug addiction.
Think about that one. Also, Me : Laid :: Paris Hilton : Penis
Allergies
ASHLEY!
Finishing Move: Purge of
Food
PROS: Is not Mary Kate.
CONS: Unless she soon develops a drug problem or gets
impregnated by Marc Anthony or Kevin Federline, she will be
overshadowed by Mary Kate.
Team Combo: Direct-To-Video
But the road to the ultimate face-off against the Hardy Boyz can't happen right away! No, they need a warm-up match first! How about a match up against former ally "General Movie Audience"? Unfortunately...ah, I'll just save myself some time and paste the 411 Smark Rant:
Ouch. Not good. The Olsen Twinz are now officially the underdogs in the impending match. Unfortunately, it gets worse. Mary Kate has officially been diagnosed with "lack of media coverage" cancer. Looks like she's going to have to develop an eating disorder, and soon. Luckily, Mary Kate is all about work ethic, as her spine soon juts out of her back like a parasite from the movie ‘Alien’. This can only lead to one thing: VICTORY.
Unfortunately, there’s no more room for another weightless freak on Entertainment Tonight. It looks like Mary Kate has been overshadowed by the ET! mainstay “Anorexic girl.” Still, life isn’t so bad. At least she doesn’t go on national television being referred to as “Anorexic girl.” But seriously, for anyone that watches Entertainment Tonight, you’ll know that they covered “Anorexic girl” for three months straight. Sometimes I think all ET does is stretch out 5 minutes of actual information for weeks at a time. I think they’re still talking about John Ritter. Hell, they’re still talking about fucking Diana. Speaking of which, what do Princess Diana, a bandicoot, a Dave Matthews single, and a dead Holly cousin have in common? The answer is that they’re all British.
RANDOM COMMENT: You may ask why the media rips on The Olsons, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Callista Flockhart about their weight problems, or lack thereof, and not with Paris Hilton, a woman who I feel is just as Skeletor-ish. I think the solution to pinpoint here is that nobody generally gives a fuck about Paris Hilton's life. I know I'm secretly plotting her untimely demise. And then I write an article about it on an intarnet website, which eventually leads to my daily sexual experience by inserting my penis into the DVD/R drive.
It’s looking bleak for Teen
AnoreXia as they head into their much-anticipated match-up. You
can feel the tension in the air. You can almost smell the anxiety
surrounding both teams. It smells of stale salad and mildew. OH
WAIT, THAT’S JUST MARY KATE’S VOMIT LOL *rimshot*
Needless to say, it’s time for:
The Final Enounter
The Olson Twinz enter the ring first...
Followed by the Hardy Boyz...
The Olson Twinz pose for the
camera...
...while the Hardy Boyz attack...
Twist of Fate!
Swanton Bomb!
By God, Mary Kate is bleeding
vomiting from the mouth!
Matt goes for the cover...
1...
2...
3...NO!!! IT’S DAVE COULIER! DAVE COULIER!! WHAT DOES HE
WANT?
THE OUT CUTTER!! THE OUT CUTTER!!
This match is obviously over. The
Olsen Twinz have now finally achieved some semblance of fame. Or
as Michael Cole would obnoxiously put it, “A BIG WIN!”
However, only time can tell if they’ll remain on top.
I’m sure that there are plenty of challengers lying in
waiting. This tag-team can
...
Oh, who am I kidding? I fucking hate them.
AIM: Jordo TK
jordan@oddpost.com