Nintendo Fruit Snacks
Action figures reviewing food. What an original concept!
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on June 1, 2025

Hi! I'm TV's Mike Fireball: Total Dorkwad. I'd like to tell you that today's post is a very special one, but I'd be lying. I'm just going to be taking a lot of pictures of something my mom found with my crappy PC camera. Then I decided it would be fun and COMPLETELY ORIGINAL if I got a little friend of mine to help me out. I'll let him introduce himself.

Hello there. I'm a Little Goomba. Two decades ago I was on the front lines of Bowser's army in the Grasslands of the Mushroom World. Then I got transferred to the McDonald's battalion, where I was the prize in a Happy Meal. Now I just hang out in Mike's room all day doing backflips. Man, I'm really moving up in the world, let me tell you.

You know, I COULD put you back in the inside pocket of my jean jacket.

Dude, don't threaten me like that. That hurts. Seriously... like on the inside & stuff. Look, let's just show the people at home whatever it is that you have to show them, alright?

Ok, buddy. You know, I picked you to be my co-host for this poprock for a reason. My mom's find at the supermarket will be sure to send you on a nostalgic trip. Or a bad army flashback. One of the two.

Goodie gumdrops. I can't wait...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sweet mother or mercy! Are you TRYING to make me have a heart attack?!

No, dude. I don't think these have any cholesterol.

I hate you. Hey wait... dude, those fruit snacks have got to be at least 10 years old! I think your mother may be trying to kill you.

Actually, it's new school. Check it out...

Copyright 2002... well I'll be a koopa's uncle. I thought this was one of those old boxes of Mario fruit snacks, & then they had that contest where you could win money if you found a blue Princess fruit snack.

I had this friend who said that his little brother found one & he freaking ate it. I don't think it was money, though. I think it might have just been a T-shirt that said "I SAVED THE PRINCESS!" on it or something like that.

Whoa, really? Even better! I would totally want an "I SAVED THE PRINCESS!" T-shirt! I think I'd have to dissect my little brother if he ever ate my ticket to a free T-shirt & dig it out of him.

Could you even wear it? I mean, you don't even have any arms.

Do you always blatantly point out people's disabilities like that, or are you feeling extra cynical today?

I was just asking a question. I've never seen a goomba wear a shirt before.

Have you ever been to the Mushroom World before? It's pretty hot there. The sun likes to hang out about 60 feet above the ground & has an angry Incredible Hulk look on his face all the time.

Touche. Well let's open this thing, shall we?

Hey, look! You can send in the box tops to earn money for your school! Do it, dude!

I can't. I graduated, remember?

Aww man. What fun is that?

Tons. I don't have to worry about getting good grades anymore, & look! I even got a free T-shirt out of it.

I stand corrected. That is one rockin' T-shirt. If they have any more of those in extra to the 12th power small, you just let me know.

I'll be sure to do that later. Right now I'm hungry, so let's start eating these fruit snacks!

Darn it! No blue princess!

You really want a T-shirt, don't you? If it's any consolation, you can have this yellow Princess fruit snack.

I don't think I can wear this. It's kind of small.

No dude. You eat it. It tastes like strawberry.

In that case, it's kind of big... but at least now I can brag to the guys in the locker room that I ate the Princess.

Women will want you & men will want to be you, friend.

Here's Mario & Luigi. You know, I don't hate these guys nearly as much when they're fruit snacks.

Why's that?

They're a lot less intimidating this way. I only hated them because they made it hard to do my job. Sure, my job was to run after them & kill them, but they could've just jumped over me every once in a while. I would've been nice & kept on walking. Really.

I never really thought of it that way. I guess you can't see the big picture until you've looked at things through the eyes of a goomba.

Look at us. We're getting all deep & philosophical over a bag of fruit snacks.

AND we're totally sober. Amazing.

Speak for yourself! I'm a talking mushroom with feet, remember?

And eyebrows.

And eyebrows. Hey, who's this purple guy?

That's Link, dude! Oh, I guess you wouldn't recognize him. He's from another game called the Legend of Zelda.

He kind of looks like you.

You're kidding, right?

Well, he would, I mean... you know, if you had pointy ears. And were purple.

I guess I see the resemblance. It's hard to tell with an inch-high fruit snack. But people say I look like somebody different every couple of weeks. Apparently I look like every male celebrity with blonde hair & blue eyes.

Gee, life sounds pretty rough when you're an Aryan superman.

Do me a favor & never call me that again.

Sure thing, whitey. Ooh, I want to eat the laughing monkey one next!

That's Donkey Kong. He battled Mario back when he still lived in Brooklyn.

That right? Man, people must really hate that guy for some reason.

It's because Mario gets all the chicks. He was dating this girl, Pauline. Super fox, man. And one day Donkey Kong couldn't take it anymore, so he up & kidnapped her & climbed a building under construction so that they could talk. So then Mario had to go regulate.

That's understandable. I wouldn't want anybody messing with my woman, either.

Yeah. I liked video games back in the day when they were just about stopping big jerks from messing with your woman, & saving the world from mad scientists, & stuff like that.

I wouldn't know. I was always stuck on the evil team. It's like getting picked last in gym class. Alright, let's see what's left to eat from this bag.

Just a bunch of Starmen.

What do you mean, JUST a bunch of Starmen?! These things make you invincible, dude! I've always wanted to try one!

!! WHOA !!

AWW MAN!!! WHAT A RUSH!!! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!

Well... that was unexpected.

SERIOUSLY, DUDE... YOU HAVE GOT TO TRY ONE!!! IT'S LIKE A HUGE BURST OF RAW ENERGY!!! CHECK IT OUT... I'M GOING TO MOVE YOUR ENTIRE DRESSER TO THAT WALL BEHIND YOU BY MYSELF!!!

Wow, impressive! Hmm... there's 4 Starman fruit snacks left. Do you really think I should eat them all at once?

DO IT, MAN!!! YOU'RE LIKE, 50 TIMES BIGGER THAN I AM!!! WHAT CAN IT HURT?

Good call. Well, bottoms up...

RAAAUGHHH! FIREBALL SMASH!

And so, Fireball & Goomba went on a destructive rampage through the city, smashing several parked cars & killing an auto mechanic in the process. The end.

God, I look like I'm 14 in that picture.