Conveying your true emotions in text on the Internet is difficult when you can't write no good. I know this. That's why I'm here to help you.
":-)"
Hi! I'm Tom Anderson, co-founder of MySpace and savior of Zion. Here at MySpace, we've tried to give everyone in the known solar system an outlet to express themselves online, be it the ability to post 300 different pictures they've taken of themselves puckering their lips in the bathroom, or the freedom to remind all your rock band's fans that you have a new song up every half hour.
Naturally, one of our first features was to give our users with creative writing talent the ability to blog. Unfortunately, that meant we had to give everybody else the ability to blog, too. But really, I stand by my belief that a hundred thousand other blogs laid out on a tiled background of a repeating animated gif of a rotating marijuana leaf made out of glitter and starlight is a small price to pay to make room for one budding creative genius who needs to tell the world that today is finally going to be the day that they're getting over their ex-boyfriend for good.
But how to convey that message without sounding sarcastic, or desperate? How does one reassure the general public that your dissertation on why fat women should not be allowed to own cameras is an experiment in comedy? For such cases, we've got you covered.
The smiley has been part of network communications since 1982, but even today's most popular instant messenger programs only have a limited library of visual emotions. If you're like me, your feelings expand beyond cheer, sadness, surprise, silliness, mutual appreciation or a desire to kiss someone. And when the only other option is the face with the dollar sign for a mouth, something's missing. That's why we at MySpace went through and picked every adjective we liked out of the dictionary and assigned a cute little pixely face to it. The result is your ability to convey a whopping 130 different emotions!
Unfortunately, we didn't have that many smileys, and making more was out of the question. We made our website entirely out of a series cardboard boxes placed inside of each other like a small birthday present you get from your wacky friend. Give us a fucking break.
It begins with the laughing face: a simple, more appealing alternative to the overly analyzed “lol.”
Fun fact: If you’ve ever made a joke about how your online colleague probably isn’t really laughing out loud, you are not funny.
Instances: 2. For added hilarity, each gif has a different name: (amused, giggly)
Grr! I’m angry! Something you said or brought to my attention really boils my blood! Perhaps a mutual acquaintance, neither of whom we are not particularly fond, disgraced the honor of our friend, or cheated on a neutral party! Or you might have posted a blog about the daily goings-on of the President of the United States! And Spider-man, have organic web fluid?! That’s blasphemy of the tallest order!
Instances: 9 (angry, censored, cynical, enraged, frustrated, grumpy, irritated, rushed, stressed. What a bizarre list.)
Pssst. Hey, buddy. Check out this guy next to me. Something must’ve totally feathered his ruffle, because he is sooo pissed off right now, man. Say, are you going to eat that, or what?
Instances: 1 (annoyed. Because I guess "interested in selling you the letter O" was too long.)
Holy crap that is either the most adorable photo of a kitten with a comically babyfied caption in Impact font, known as an accepted typographical gateway to laughter … or someone took a picture of you kissing your boyfriend’s cheek. You guys are going to be together forever! By which I mean shortly after he starts getting invited to keg parties, and at least before the end of sophomore year.
Instances: 3 (anxious, distressed, hopeful)
Whoopsie doodle! I swiped your car in the parking lot of this here crowded textarea, and for the life of me, I just can’t find the backspace key while I’m wearing with one contact lens.
Instances: 9 (apathetic, blank, envious, exanimate, lethargic, listless, lonely, melancholy, morose. I dare you to find someone on MySpace who has ever used the word “exanimate” to describe their current mood.)
Whoooooooa I’m the cartwheel face! I’m actually a nice change of scenery from the old, time-honored, sticking my tongue out silly face, but just like those spam bots that want me to request you as a friend, there are a lot of me, and we all have the exact same default photo. My clones and I are so animatedly silly, we’ll make you dizzy just looking for any proper way to convey your true feelings in 15 square pixels!
Whooooooooooooooooooa!
Instances: 6 (artistic, creative, ditzy, energetic, hyper, working. Working as a carnival attraction, apparently.)
This is why MySpace should incorporate their smiley set into picture comments. So I can imply “Oh wow nice rack,” without looking like a jerk.
Instances: 3 (awake, enthralled, surprised)
By closing his mouth and turning his head slightly to the left, he drastically changes the message of the angry one above from appalled outrage, to “I do not appreciate your rehashing that embarrassing story about me.”
Instances: 3 (bitter, cranky, irate)
Shock face is perhaps the most versatile weapon in an emoticon user’s arsenal. Its range spans from “Oh no something is about to fall on me,” to “Look at that sunset”; from “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” to “Did he just called those basketball players nappy-headed hos?”
Instances: 9 (blah, determined, dorky, high, nerdy, pensive, predatory, stunned, whatevah. Yes, spelled like that. Predatory?!)
Cheese! I’m getting my picture taken on the beach as seagulls hover overhead. Watch me strain a sparkling smile as I try and forget about my frighteningly horrid sunburn.
Instances: 1 (blush)
Nah, man; I’m all right. I mean, that accident with the magician was pretty bad at the time, but now look what I can do!
Instances: 1 (bored, which matches what I am when I find myself staring at the thing for ten minutes)
This is probably supposed to be a highly caffeinated smiley, but it looks more like he walked into a wall. It could better be used to reply to a blog full of Tilt-a-Whirl levels of dizzying logic. Or in a hilariously different light, immediately following .
Instances: 3 (bouncey, drunk, optimistic)
That was your baby brother I ran over? Oh, dude. I’m so sorry.
Instances: 11 (bummed, cold, crushed, disappointed, gloomy, jealous, numb, pessimistic, sad, sick, sympathetic)
Check out my impression of the Martians from Sesame Street.
Instances: 1 (busy. His mouth, maybe, but clearly not enough to warrant stoppin’ by for a friendly chat.)
‘Sup dudes I’m just hangin’ out at the end of every paragraph this chick types like some kind of period.
Instances: 13 (calm, cheerful, complacent, content, full, happy, okay, pleased, refreshed, rejuvenated, relieved, thankful, touched)
Guys! You guys! Check it out; I got those really expensive transparent braces! Lookit! Can’t even see ‘em, right? No more girls callin’ me metal-mouth and runnin’ away at the big dance. Muchas smoochas, here I come!
Instances: 4 (chipper, excited, mischievous, naughty)
I’m playin’ Mario and ran into a kooper trooper.
Instances: 1 (clueless)
You guys dig my new eyebrow piercing? Anyone’s interested I can give you the number of my guy. Dude’s an artist. Does a hell of a job.
Instances: 8 (contemplative, ecstatic, indifferent, productive, satisfied, shy, thoughtful, winky. What?)
Mr. Cool Face has been chillin’ out so max and relaxin’ all himself, that he’s managed to soak in some sweet rays. All other smileys really do pale in comparison.
Instances: 1 (cool)
Mr. Magoo smells something he may or may not enjoy. Alternately, a singing pig.
Instances: 7 (crappy, depressed, dirty, guilty, nauseated, sore, uncomfortable)
I am watching NASCAR live from a hot air balloon.
Instances: 5 (crazy, giddy, quixotic, restless, silly. The thought of casual use of the word “quixotic” leaves a bad, I kiss up to the English professor taste in my mouth.)
I’m tellin’ you, I got bitten by a werewolf last night! Here, take a look at my neck.
Instances: 1 (curious)
Ugh, I knew taking that girl home from Rob’s party wasn’t a good idea.
Instances: 1 (devious)
A sunburned woman who either has a large innie navel and doing the limbo, or is giving birth.
Instances: 1 (embarrassed)
do you to remembering Nirvana the band
Instances: 1 (exhausted. Why wasn’t the rotating eyeball one used for “drunk” instead of this?)
Andy Kaufman sings the “oh-way-oh” parts of “Walk Like An Egyptian.”
Instances: 4 (groggy, mellow, peaceful, relaxed)
Oh God Link just stabbed me in the eyes!
Instances: 2 (heart, kiss, love, smooch. I sound like a Gwen Stefani single.)
My brother can lift each of his eyebrows independently to the tune of “Blue Danube.” Whenever I’ve tried to do it, I look like this.
Instances: 1 (horny)
No, it’s cool. I mean, that guy across the bar shining his laser pointer at my mouth is kind of annoying, but I’m going to lose my composure and throw a bar stool at him or anything. My anger management therapist just told me to breathe deeply and shake it off. I’m fine, really.
Instances: 2 (hungry, thirsty)
I haven’t been to Spencer Gifts in like ten years. Do people really still give a shit about aliens?
Instances: 1 (indescribable)
That grandfather clock is blowing my mind, man. Seriously, bro. You gotta just sit and watch it after you … you know.
Instances: 3 (intimidated, nervous, worried)
Instances: 1 (lazy. Lazy? Did someone think this was a smiley trying to get some sleep? It’s a fucking clam. Or a guy getting eaten by a clam. What else can that possibly be? How do you mix that up? Is the clam nature’s sloth? I thought the sloth was.)
Pac-Man’s cat, Sourpuss, is sleepy. Shhh, don’t wake him. Or her? Was Sourpuss male or female?
Instances: 1 (moody. Clearly the person in charge of the MySpace smiley set was a man, because only a man would put devil horns on someone for being “moody.”)
Oh jeez oh jeez there’s a cockroach on my face I don’t want to touch it get it off get it off get it off!
Instances: 2 (pissed, shocked. What?!)
Check this out, dudes! I can catch Alpha Bits in the air with my mouth. With my eyes closed! Yeah, you’re jealous.
Instances: 2 (recumbent, sleepy. Someone got bored at work and found an old 7th grade vocabulary book at the bottom of the closet.)
Keyboardist Wendy Nespot of the Beets is mildly bemused by this post.
Instances: 1 (weird)
Counting them up, there are only 36 smileys in a table of 130. That’s 361% bigger than it needs to be. If I did the math right. I was more of a writing kid in school. I’m sure I’ve made my teachers very proud.
Take a cue from us, AOL. We could be sleeping. Or clams.
