Summer Music Festivals!

Summer music festivals are a tradition dating back to the Middle Ages when rulers of kingdoms with hilarious names like Gaul or Spain would summon bards from far and wide to regale them with songs of whimsy, merriment and delight. Those lucky enough to find themselves within the king's good graces were showered with riches and invited to dine alongside the king as they feasted upon the loins and hocks of the not-so-fortunate.

Then they all died of the plague. Take that, absolute monarchy!

Modern music festivals manage to take acts of sadism to new heights by forcing patrons into paying exorbitant ticket prices in order to be subjugated to corporate sponsorship in an atmosphere more befitting of an Internet pop-up ad than a celebration of artistic integrity and free will. And while most people complain about excessive service charges and ridiculous concession prices, it's never enough to keep them from flocking to our nation's stadiums and ampitheatres each summer to wallow in excruciating heat for a full day of ungratifying, emotionless rock & roll!

I know summer hasn't offically started yet and it seems sort of early to be posting a concert guide, but I figure now you'll be able to give Mr. Simmons plenty of advance notice for time requested off. He'd better give it to you, or else you're walking. The Dairy Queen would be so fucked without you and he knows it. I mean, it isn't like they could find just anyone to steal from the register and have unprotected sex in the walk-in freezer.

Before we get started however, I'd like to run through a few general tips to help enhance the festival experience and ensure you have as much fun as permitted by Kodak™ and its ornery belligerent security team:

Before leaving for the show, check the festival's official website and pick a name of one of the more obscure bands at random. This way, if forced to engage in conversation with someone else at the festival regarding who you came to see, you can whip out your trump card and let them know that under normal circumstances you wouldn't be caught dead at something so lame, but you've been a fan of [obscure indie band] since their first self-released EP, so you're willing to put up with the rest of this trite, MTV bullshit to show your support as a true fan.

Dressing to impress is much more important than dressing for comfort. Go ahead and wear that studded leather jacket with the plaid corduroy pants. So what if you're going to be exposed to extreme heat for hours at a time? Fatigue, nausea, dizziness and death are a small price to pay when the result is looking so good.

Don't bother planning anything in advance. Scheduling is for nerds, after all, and space camp ended two solid weeks ago. No, it's best to arrive at the venue with no agenda whatsoever. You'll have a blast spending your day trying to figure out which is the main stage and at what time your favorite band is playing. Don't bother paying attention as your friends establish a meeting spot for after the show ends, either. I'm sure they won't mind waiting around for an hour because you thought it'd make more sense to stand by the bathrooms in hopes of catching a glimpse at your favorite rock icon after a rousing bout of statutory rape in the men's room stall!

Ozzfest

Commonly referred to as the Ralph Nadir of the summer concert circuit, Ozzfest continues to serve as an incubator for the hate-fueled, misanthropic abusive fathers of tomorrow. This year, the show's promoters have decided to remove that last discriminatory hurdle separating the frustratingly ignorant from the absolute lowest common denominator by doing away with ticket prices and allowing anyone with a pulse free admittance.

We may as well prepare ourselves for a summer of sensationalist news coverage, as hundreds find themselves on the receiving end of ignorant, drunken mob violence after one of the puppet strings used to dangle Ozzie's lifeless corpse from the rafters snaps, impaling his lifeless body on a mike stand, cutting his set short.

Coachella

Get ready to rock as your favorite bands fulfill contractual label obligations, phone in performances and pay the bills! This year's lineup is highlighted by the reunion of America's favorite group of never-quite-made-it-to-17-year olds olds, Rage Against the Machine.

Musical preference amongst the majority of attendees can range anywhere from "I listen to everything, brah," to "is this the Daaaaaaaaaaaaave show? Anyone got some weeeeeeeeeeed?," leading to an eclectic mix of douchebags and assholes.

Lollapalooza

Lollapalooza has always prided itself on being an alternative playground for "slackers," "Generation X," and any number of other buzzwords meticulously crafted by marketing departments and tested in focus groups to help further penetrate the prime demographic.. While not an annual event like the other festivals on this list, rest assured that if there's profit to be made off of a marginally popular underground trend, Lollapalooza will rise like a phoenix from the ashes to exploit the hell out of it.

Warped Tour

Conceived in 1994 as a traveling showcase for both underground punk acts and pipe-based feats of athleticism, now in its 12th year, the Vans Warped Tour has become a summer haven for privileged white kids looking for an excuse to beat the shit out of one another in the middle of a dusty Nebraskan parking lot under the pretense of RAWKING OUT~!!!

Each year since its inception, the Warped Tour has placed less of an emphasis on extreme sports and expanded its musical horizons to include any flavor-of-the-month pop-punk band willing to check integrity at the door and play an ironic 80's pop cover to a crowd of carbon-copy anarchists all looking to really stick it to a president they were too apathetic as a collective to vote out of office in the first place. Keep the faith, dudes! Just keep on running in little circles to the tune of yet another Anti-Flag song. Eventually those bureaucrats on Capital Hill are sure to crack under the pressure and declare this whole "democracy" fad a bust!

Bonnaroo

What started as a modest lineup of folk music, bluegrass and hippie jam bands has since morphed into a confusing four day indie circle-jerk catered toward elitists and all manner of people generally regarded as too cool for music.

While I'm not one to advocate a terrorist strike lightly, if one were inevitable and the specified destination were left up to me for some reason, I don't think I'd hesitate in ridding the world of an entire contingent of ironic hipster wankery.

Regardless of what you decide to do with your time, I hope you guys have fun this summer! Be sure to stay safe and don't forget to wear plenty of sunscreen! Oh, and if anyone could pick up an extra t-shirt for me I'd appreciate it. Unfortunately, old man Simmons wouldn't give me the time off.

He's lucky I've got an alcohol problem to cultivate or else I swear I'd be out of this place so fucking fast.