Fun with Moviefone.com, volume 4

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PTI Presents: Fun with Moviefone.com, Volume 4
written jon- april 20 - 2004

Hello, and welcome to a very special edition of "Pardon the Interruption."

I'm Tony Kornheiser.

I'm Michael Wilbon.

Let's get down to business.

DING

First on the agenda, Jon's insistence on doing a retarded gimmick in every Moviefone.com post he does. Does it stem from his inadequacy as a writer?

Okay, listen. I'm gonna go easy on Jon 'cause I know he's your boy. I

WHAT

HE'S YOUR

NOW WAIT JUST A

BOY

...

Okay, let me say something about these Moviefone.com posts. I'll ADMIT. I get a laugh out of them once in a while. But HOW in the HELL is somebody who's new to the site supposed to just read this stuff and understand it? Jon could easily just make a big long list of the crappiest caption submissions in Moviefone.com's caption contest, and it would get FARKed because nobody cares about originality anymore, they only want titties and 10-word bites of humor. But no, he wants to alienate new readers and completely ruin his chances of being linked so that he can show off his ability to take screenshots of TV shows and old DOS games.

You don't understand. The reason he does that is becauDING

NEXT TOPIC.

"Pardon The Interruption" is a show that airs on ESPN. Since the P-Boi readership is 90% ACNE-FACED NINTENDO GEEKS who only know ESPN from the token dumb blonde chick in every single teen movie that's convinced she's telekinetic and says "It's like I have ESPN or something!", how is any I LIKE TEEN MOVIES! I LIKE THEM! STICK MY PENIS TO A VIDEO TAPE

..how is anyTHEY ARE GOOD

...

how is anybody supposed to give a rat's ass about "Pardon the Interruption"?

It's not for them! It's not for the readers who tell Jon "write about something other than sports, faggot!" The truth is that P-Boi has a lot of sports stuff because most of them like sports! Except for Bill and Emily; they like Barbies.

WHAT DO YOU WANT. WHAT DO YOU WANT. YOU WANT US TO DO "PARDON THE BARBIE DOLLS"?

Well

"PARDON THE BARBIE DOLLS"?

That's what R. Kelly's girlfriend says right before they're about to settle down in her bed for a long night of doing the nasty!

WHAT DO YOU WANT

Get it, because R. Kelly is a pedWHAT DO YOU WANT

DING

On to the movie captions. Here's the picture that this week's lot of wretched, knuckle-dragging contestants had to work with.

What movie is that?

Stat Guy, what movie is that?

That would be "Connie and Carla", a flick about two women that pretend to be drag queens. Be advised, it stars the chick from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", so expect about 55 million entries whose jokes lean solely upon this lame factoid.

DING

First caption entry on the agenda:

"AH YES,THAT FRUIT SALAD HAS REALLY GOT IT GOING ON!" - LARRY

Oh, huh! Fruits calling each other fruits? Is that right? Do I get it?

I think the "Larry" we're dealing with here is less the I'M GONNA FUCKIN DIE LARRY

and more the READ TO ME LARRY. READ TO ME

WHO THE HELL IS THAT

THAT IS THE RETARD FROM "GIGLI". DID YOU SPEND THE LAST YEAR LIVING UNDER A CAVE?

WHO THE HELL IS THAT

IT'S GI-TARD

WHO THE GI-TARD

WHO IN THE WORLD SAW GIGLI? IT GOT LESS STARS THAN
THE MILWAUKEE BREWIT IS THE GUY FROM GIGLI

WHATDING

"He's cute, I say boxers, what do you think?" - Les Hilliard

This is obviously a reference to the old Hanes commercial, with the two sluts on the park bench trying to decide what passersby are wearing underneath. How did that go again?

I think they were in the middle of scoping out guys' crotches, and then Michael Jordan flashes them a grin and says "My dad was murdered to death. Let's just leave it at that."

That's classic Jordan. He was the greatest, and I know he's your boyHE IS NOT MY BOY

NOT MY BOYHE'S YOUR BOY

DING

"ones like a bomb the other ones like stick wat the................. .." - Kayla

God, doesn't anyone believe in capitalization?

The Yankees sure do! They're Wal-Mart, and the Kansas City Royals are Stuckey's.

That's capitalism.

Oh, right. Well, IWHAT THE HELL IS A STUCKEY'S

Stuckey's isWHAT IN THE HELL IS A STUCKEY'S

......

Stuckey's is a rest-stop gift shop that is often found near gas stations in the central U.S. It features manyWHAT IS STUCKEY'S? I DO NOT KNOW WHAT STUCKEY'S IS

They should call this show "Pardon the Skinny Bald Kraut".

This show is called "Pardon The Interruption".

SUCK IT WILBON

DING

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" - Wayne

Genius! This caption is genius! So many people go through too much trouble to come up with a good joke. But Wayne is all about the fundamentals. He remembered that the perfect joke can be made every time just by dropping the name of some hilarious pop-culture item. The 2003 Florida Marlins won it with "LOL LIZA MINELLI DAVID GEST", the 1996 Green Bay Packers with "HEYYYYY MACARENA", the 1963 Chicago Bears with "MORE LIKE JOHN. F. KENNE-DIE", and the silent-era Cincinnati Redlegs with "__________".

With what? What the hell is that?

This!...

This! It's the "underscore" gesture!

Oh, you mean the official gesture of the Arizona Cardinals! Hey, look! I am a player/coach of the Arizona Cardinals!

A what?

A player/coach! See this? This

is the "slash" gesture.

Oh, so you mean the official gesture of every white guy in the NHL who's guarding a black guy?

THE SLASH GESTUREWHAT, SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY

SUPER SLASHARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT YOU'RE GUARDING ME?

SUPER SLASH KORDELL STEWARTSINCE I'M BLACK AND YOU'RE WHITE?

WHATHUH

YOU'RE BLACK? I NEVER KNEW. YOU LOOK LIKE A ROUND LUMP OF TAN PLAY-DOH THAT SOME KID WAS TRYING TO MOLD INTO BRYANT GUMBEL. SEIG HEIL, YOU SON OF A BITCH

WELL YOU LOOK LIKE THE HIDEOUS GUY IN THAT SHITTY SHOW ABOUT THE LADY THAT HAD TO MARRY A GUY IN A MASK THAT WAS IN THE SAME TIME SLOT AS "RYAN & TRISTA'S WEDDING

"crazy and wild" - andrewpak

Crazy and Wild? Was that the name of that old arcade game with the Las Vegas gambler-type and his faggot sidekick?

That was Lucky and Wild.LUCKY AND WILD. LUCKY AND WILD. YES.

I would be Lucky.	I would be Lucky.
WHAT. NO	WHAT. NO
I'M NOT THE QUEER, I'M ON A SPORTS SHOW.	I'M NOT THE QUEER, I'M ON A SPORTS SHOW.

YEAH, WHATEVER, MICHAEL WIL-SUCK-YOUR-COCKBRING IT ON, TONY KORN-HOLER

Tony gets to be both, since he's white and gay. By default, Michael is Jonathan Blade from "Eternal Champions", since he's the only black character in video game history.

Bullshit, I made a Create-A-Wrestler in WWF Warzone once that looked like Otis RedDING

"GURLS WANT HAVE FUN" - TYSKIA

I'll show you some fun, girls!

Stat Guy, can we get a correction?

Well, actually, neither of you guys are capable of showing girls any fun, because you're the worst sort of nerd: the "sports nerd". You view yourselves as alpha males because of your interest in sports, but you're somehow under the misunderstanding that engaging in spittle-spewing, red-faced debate over whether Barry Bonds uses Flintstones vitamins is just as much an alpha-male quality as actually going out and playing the sports yourselves. Same goes for 90% of your viewership, actually.

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