WELCOME! Yes, WELCOME, valued employee! Welcome to the exciting world of MANAGEMENT! As you probably know by now, you’ve recently been given a promotion and/or have been hired into a managerial role for your faceless corporation! This course is designed to help you more easily deal with the problems that many new managers encounter! The journey towards Soulless Cog with Acura and an Ulcer begins here!
LET’S BEGIN!
PROMOTION!
Yes, it’s true! YOU have been given a PROMOTION of MARGINAL IMPORT!
You now have the POWER TO INFLUENCE! And much like Chris Pontius in the above picture, you can now be privy to the most key of Teamster meetings. Bust those Unions, boys! Keep America safe!
You may notice now that you are in MANAGEMENT that the world is your oyster! Beautiful women fill their mouths with caviar before pleasuring you orally! But WAIT JUST A MOMENT, Nelson Rockefeller!
Who is this on your “team”? Why, it’s PEOPLE! Yes, PEOPLE will comprise the vast majority of your “workforce,” or “EMPLOYEES.” These terrible creatures “report” to you and you are “responsible” for leading them! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS, you may well ask? You must, in part, INSPIRE them. This is how you will TRICK THEM into LIKING YOU. If nothing else, your “team” should, at the very least, BEGRUDGINGLY TOLERATE YOU.
BECAUSE A FRIEND IS A FRIEND FOREVER IF THE LORD IS THE LORD OF THEM!
“These smelly Kia-drivers won’t leave me alone!” Ha ha, fear not, new manager! INTERACTIION with your team is a necessary evil. The best way to get out of this is to PRETEND TO BE WORKING AT ALL TIMES.
Letting your entire team know what work THEY are supposed to be doing so that YOU can fake coordinating it all is called CREATING A VISION.
*Faggy Devo glasses not required to create vision.
Remember, if your employees ever get out of line for any reason, YOU ARE THE BOSS NOW!
Yes you can fire whoever you want at pretty much any time! Remember all those festering wastes of space you used to work alongside? Their sweat-stained Stafford shirts and their burrito-breath mouths sucking in air? YOU HOLD THEIR LIVELIHOOD IN YOUR HANDS. Remember when you swore that Susan from Fraud backed into your fender? Guess what, Susan? YOU ARE “OUT-OF-HERE!”
HOLD GRUDGES!
CHALLENGE AND EXCITEMENT!
The CHALLENGE is to not fire every last god damn worthless piece of trash slowly expanding in front of a computer screen. The EXCITEMENT is that you don’t ever have to look at them again if you don’t want, ever.
CONVERSATION!
Gerard Way was promoted to a managerial role two months ago. Pam from The Office (US) is I guess his employee. Let’s listen in to what’s happening!
Gerard: Pam, you’ve been working here for a while now I think. How are you liking your job?
Pam: Oh, I’m liking it a lot! All of us at The Office (US) are very excited about the fact that you are our boss now.
Gerard: Hrm, yes, I can see how you wou-- wait what in the hell are you doing with your face
Pam: Um, I don’t know. Farting, I guess!
Gerard: Bitch you must be trippin’. Even though I’m clearly no more than fourteen years old, I am still your superior and that is no way to behave in a professional environment.
Pam: I’m so sorry, sir! It’s just that I get very nervous around people I desperately want to pleasure – sexually – because you are an authority figure and power is sexy!
Gerard: Hrm yes well I can see how you would fee—
Pam: *frrrrrrtttt*
ENTHUSIASM!
PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE “COMING OUTTA YOUR MOUTH!”
APATHY!
In your job, you will occasionally encounter WOMEN! Be careful, because if there’s anything we learned from the Wal*Mart lawsuits, it’s that women can often be CAUSES OF STRESS!
Black Ted Danson here (or maybe David Justice, who cares) is in a devil of a pickle! A WOMAN is causing him STRESS!
Ted: What’s the problem, sweetcakes?
WOMAN: My makeup got stuck in the fax machine! AGAINNNN
Ted: “Ay, dios mio!” /trumpet warbles
WOMAN: Also, my work is starting to get in the way of me gossiping at all hours of the day! Whoopsies!
Ted: Baby, you a cold trip.
WOMAN: These are the two faces I make!
As you can see in the above scenario, STRESS is a CAUSE OF CONCERN.
IT IS NOT THE ONLY ONE!
If you were a balding combination of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Johnny Depp, you would be terrified of finance as well! ARE YOU TERRIFIED OF FINANCE?
oh okay clearly you are
In the next couple of scenarios we will suspend disbelief and suppose that a WOMAN is a manager! Welcome to PLANET MARS, right?!
Princess Jasmine: What seems to be the problem, Glen?
Glen: Wahl, th’ propane ain’t sellin’ too good. /exasperated sigh
Princess Jasmine: Well, have you considered that FINANCE?
Glen: Whut in th’ ding dong
Princess Jasmine: Yes, you see, it is simple! Finance is something you don’t have to be afraid of! Now go sell those products!
Glen: GAWWWWLLLL-EEEE!!
So in conclusion, you can see that FINANCE!
SERSI IS THE MOST UNDERRATED AVENGER!
Teamwork is important, but not as important as YOU, THE MANAGER!
MAY I RECOMMEND “DOGGY STYLE!” HA HA HA!
In all seriousness, your POSITION is what can delegate how well your company PERFORMS. The better the COMPANY does, the more USELESS STATUS-SYMBOL GADGETRY you can afford! Those iPod Blackberry Sidekicks aren’t going to buy themselves, middle-aged white men!
performance management is some bullshit
Managing is a tough business, and you have to watch out for rabble-rousers as well as riff-raff. Here are some warning signs to look out for to see if your employees are on the Marijuana!
METH HEAD THEATRE!
Joe: Trishawn we should talk about your performance.
Trishawn: I woke up this morning and all my bottom teeth fell out.
Joe: uh
Trishawn: It’s okay though I still got m’uppers! See!
Joe: Ha ha! You had me goin there for a minute!
Trishawn: You know where I can score some smack?
Just about the most natural thing in the world is a fella taking a gander at his secretary’s gams, right! Well consider you are MONITORING those gams with your eyes and EVALUATING whether you want to give her a little smack on the caboose!
…Well I sort of lost my train of thought there, so here are more scenarios!
Rizzo: I am really enjoying being in management, Tom! But how can I be a CEO like you someday?
Tom: Speak up, dollface. I’m half in the bag.
Rizzo: I WAS SAYING THAT I WANT TO BE A COMPANY EXECUTIVE SOMEDAY
Tom: Hrm. Well, it will certainly take determination and knowhow. Oh, and a penis, of course.
Rizzo: Haven’t you heard of a little something called “women’s lib,” Tom?
Tom: Certainly. And it looks like you’ve lost a few “women’s libs” yourself! Lookin’ good! Heh.
Yes, now that you’re in management you can treat people however you want, whenever you want! Go ahead and put your feet up, SIR! You’ve earned it!
But riddle me this, new manager! Are you ready for the responsibility? Are you ready to stand up and take life by the bullhorns?
To better illustrate the idea of “RUNNING” your company “EFFECTIVELY” we used this picture of “BLACK PEOPLE” who have more “FAST TWITCH MUSCLE” than the rest of management! Look at them go!
Let’s meet old RUMMY. Rummy doesn’t much care for his new parking spot and he’s going to give Peggy in HR a piece of his mind!
Rummy: LADY WE NEED TO TALK
Peggy: Certainly sir, how can I assist you?
Rummy: THIS IS ONE IRISHMAN YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SLIP THE MICKEY
Peggy: I…who is this? Sir, have you been drinking?
Rummy: I LIKE TO HAVE A WEE NIP O’ THE MORNING DEW IF YOU FOLLOW
Peggy: Is this…can I help you with a human resources issue?
Rummy: Ohhhhhhh I see what game we’re playin’ at here. Didn’t realize that “HR” stands for “PMS.”
Peggy: Sir if you don’t have an HR issue I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Rummy: YOU DON’T INTIMIDATE ME YOU TWAT FACTORY
Peggy: .... /pages security
Rummy waited for Peggy in the parking lot and ran her down like an opossum! That’s what I call “Being In The Driver’s Seat!” LITERALLY!
The HOOPsucker!
The HudSWINGER!
DEALING WITH UNFINSIHED BUSINESS:
Guido: Ehhhhhh, paisano! You getta my tie under the collar and I make’a you my gabbagool.
Employee: I’m sorry, I don’t follow you. I just came in here to make sure you signed off on these procedures that you approved last month.
Guido: Madonn’! Always comin’ in here, breakin’ my stones! You believe the nerve of this girl, Tommy?
Employee: I uh…I’m the only person in here. You just need to sign these and then I can go.
Guido: fugeddaboudit
Employee: /smiles, tenders resignation
Now it is time to talk about TRUE RESPECT!
True Respect is the name of a “fanfic” I wrote about Mr. Sulu meeting Tasha Yar! And they’re both in management! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!
Sulu: All ahead warp thrust engage!
Tasha: Commander Sulu! We need to talk about these quarterly reports!
Sulu: It is CAPTAIN Sulu! And we live in a utopian future where reports are a thing of the past!
Tasha: My apologies, captain! Being in management truly is WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
Sulu: Would you like to see my Jerry Orbach impression?
Tasha: …no.
Sulu: You’re a big meanie. So what is your final take on these budget projections.
Yasha: Someday, Captain…someday there will be peace.
THANKS, CAPTAIN SULU!
Well, you are nearly ready to be a manager! But before you go, we have one more piece of VALUABLE INFORMATION!
Through extensive research we have determined that the greatest guidebook ever written on HOW TO BE A MANAGER was actually a song by four visionary young men who embody the spirit and morality of what we expect from YOU, new manager! This quote should be what you live by as you enter your new roles and responsibilities!
KICK-START MY HEART
When I Get High
I Get High On Speed
Top Fuel Funny Car's
A Drug For Me
My Heart, My Heart
Kickstart My Heart
Always Got The Cops
Coming After Me
Custom Built Bike Doing 103
My Heart, My Heart
Kickstart My Heart
Ohh, Are You Ready Girls?
Ooh, Are You Ready Now?
Ooh, Yeh
Kickstart My Heart
Give It A Start
Ooh, Yeh, Baby
Ooh, Yeh
Kickstart My Heart
Hope It Never Stops
Ooh, Yeh, Baby
Skydive Naked
From An Aeroplane
Or A Lady With A
Body From Outerspace
My Heart, My Heart
Kickstart My Heart
Say I Got Trouble
Trouble In My Eyes
I'm Just Looking For
Another Good Time
My Heart My Heart
Kickstart My Heart
Ohh, Are You Ready Girls?
Ooh, Are You Ready Now?
Ooh, Yeh
Kickstart My Heart
Give It A Start
Ooh, Yeh, Baby
Ooh, Yeh
Kickstart My Heart
Hope It Never Stops
Ooh, Yeh, Baby
When We Started This Band
All We Needed, Needed Was A Laugh
Years Gone By...I'd Say We've Kicked
Some Ass
When I'm Enraged
Or Hittin' The Stage
Adrenalin Rushing
Through My Veins
And I'd Say We're Still Kickin' Ass
Ooo, Ahh, It Kickstart My Heart
I Hope It Never Stops
And To Think, We Did All Of This...
To Rock
Welcome to the brotherhood and GOOD LUCK!