MadTv was also going to fill the void from 11:00 to 11:30, the period between my news station’s broadcast and Saturday Night Live. It was set to be an hour-long program, but tough staples, nothing else exists from 11:30 to 1:00. I don’t care if Jesus Christ himself crashes through my ceiling onto my couch wielding an oversized check and a bottle of kris-stall, he better keep his mouth shut.

You’ve probably seen the program, but in case you haven’t I’ll give you the layout for every single episode, followed by an example of what would happen in each time slot. I’m just that nice of a guy. hey want 2 tradep ics/

Opening Monologue:

Usually performed by one of the cast members, seeing as no celebrities ever wanted to endorse the show. Not even George Foreman would put his name on this crap, nor Ronco or Billy Mays. The actors on the show weren’t even established comedians; they were the kids in high school you told to shut up. You can remember Aries Spears doing an awful impersonation of Bill Cosby in Phys Ed, followed by the well-timed connection of a wiffle-ball bat against his crotch. No one even felt bad for the guy, he was just that aggravating.

“Hey guys! Thanks for joining us! In case you haven’t heard, this week’s show is only going to be aired on the west coast, and next week we’ll be taken off FOX completely, so make sure you watch us on UPN. ‘All That’, the popular Nickelodeon skit-based show, is replacing us. Apparently they make better use of topical humor than we do, seeing as they actually recognized flaws in our democracy last week. To tell you the truth, I’m not even a registered voter…..BUT BILL COSBY IS!!! JELL-O AND THE BABY AND THE KODAK FILM RIPPING OFF THE SIMPSONS BIPPIN BOPPIN SKA DO!!!!”

(Applause from Keenan and Kel plays)

First skit: “Miss Swan”

Joe: “Hey Frank, this pile of fish guts smells worse than you!”

Frank: “Hey! Shut up!”

Joe: “Ha ha!”

Frank: “(slices throat of Joe)”

Joe: “Oh Crap!”

Frank: “pwned”

Joe: “I’ve never understood that”

Frank: “Well, there was a time period on the Internet when a lot of people said the catch-phrase “owned”, and eventually someone typed “pwned” by accident. See this keyboard? The “p” and “o” buttons are really close together, it was inevitable.”

Joe: “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard”

Frank: “PWNED!!1 (stabs in face with knife, runs away)”

(Ms. Swan peeks from around corner)

Later that day

Detective: “Can you describe the perpetrator for the sketch artist, ma’am?”

Miss Swan: “He look-a like-a man-a”

Detective: “What are you, retarded? Give me a description.”

Miss Swan: “Uhhhhh. Well he….he have-a……he look-a like-a man-a.”

Detective: “My goodness this is frustrating! For the love of Jehovah Almighty, what did he look like?”

Miss Swan: “ee ooka lika mena”

Detective: “That’s it, lady! I’m going to punch you in the face! Ah! (goes to punch Ms. Swan)

Miss Swan: “Hi ya. (karate flips detective)”

(crowd cheers)

Miss Swan: “You….you no look-a like-a man-a.”

(crowd cheers)

(Nick dies of pain. Raw. Pain.)

Second Skit: “Stuart does something stupid and poops his pants”

(Scene: Boy Scout camping trip in the woods)

Scout Leader: “Ok, guys, we can start in a second, we’re only waiting for one more scout”

Stuart: “(walks onto scene in briefs and cowboy hat) A bear stole my pants”

Scout Leader: “WTF”

Stuart’s Mom: “Stoo-ert! Where’d ya pants go?”

Stuart: “A bear asked to borrow them. He game me a pudding pop (brandishes fake turd)”

Stuart’s Mom: “Gimme dat (takes bear turd and throws into woods)”

Stuart: “(whines)”

(crowd laughs)

(I return from bathroom just in time for…)

Stuart: “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! (jumps. poorly.)”

(I go back to the bathroom)

(crowd applauds as though Christopher Reeve has just done a back flip)

(crowd boos my Christopher Reeve joke)

Me: “Too soon? Yeah…too soon. I’m sorry”

These two skits alone caused me an hour of pain every day at school. Gym Class: The one class that unites kids of all scholastic levels. The one class where I get to hear each and every muscle-head do his impression of Stuart, as though it’s any different than the previous kid’s. Then they manage to remember another skit, the one with that lady who doesn’t talk right. Oh yes, Ms. Swan, she’s so funny! Quick, let’s form a single file line so we can finally decide who does the best impression of her.

That year we had the worst talent show ever.

Third Skit: “Making fun of the Matrix”

(a fat Will Sasso does a few karate chops and a kick)

Voiceover: “KEANU REEVES IS A BAD ACTOR”

(a seemingly fatter Will Sasso does a summersault)

Voiceover: “HE DOESN’T ACT VERY WELL AT ALL. THIS IS MORPHEUS”

(random black person in sunglasses, brandishing a Capri Sun)

Voiceover: “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!”

At this time it is about 11:20 – 11:25, so MadTv has one last shot before everyone switches over to SNL. Let’s watch:

Final skit before SNL starts : “Will Sasso pretends to be a carpenter and saws all his digits off”

Carpenter: “AHHHHH!!!!”

(blood spurts from hand)

Carpenter: “MY GOD!!!!”

(blood spurts from eyeball)

Carpenter: “OH NO!!!!”

(blood spurts from shoulder)

Nick: “Good-bye, cruel world”

(switches to SNL)

Nick: "HELLO FUNNY WORLD!"

We are safe again, within the realm of Saturday Night Live. This is the only hour and a half when I’m ever thankful that New York actually exists. Join me, brethren, for we are one.

Close your eyes. Inhale deeply and slowly through your nose and hold it for a second. Now breath out. We’re ok. You’re ok. Everything’s going to be fine.