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| The Ronnie
Lobell Hour-by-Hour Character Guide |
In this season of "24", perhaps the greatest yet, the producers have made one decision that has puzzled viewers across the country: the failure to follow the trials and tribulations of Ronnie Lobell. Lobell, one of the truly great characters of recent television memory, is the head of the Los Angeles Counter-Terrorism Unit's field operations. When Jack Bauer was fired from CTU, none of us were sure whether Ronnie could fill his shoes, but he's certainly won a place in viewers' hearts! Unfortunately, the camera forsook Ronnie Lobell near the beginning of the season in favor of Bauer. While Bauer made an acceptable stand-in and by all accounts has performed his duties respectably, 24 fans everywhere have been clamoring for Lobell. So here you go. 24's official website neglected to give Ronnie so much as his own profile page, so I have taken it upon myself to give him the respect he deserves. Following is an hour-by-hour log of the amazing saga of Ronnie Lobell, beginning at the point when he left the show's primary story arc.
9:00 AM - 10:00 AM Ronnie lies sprawled out on concrete near the train station. "That cloud looks like Mother," he observes. Ronnie loses consciousness.
10:00 AM - 11:00 AM Ronnie lies motionless.
11:00 AM - 12:00 PM Ronnie remains motionless.
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM Ronnie remains motionless.
1:00 PM - 2:00 PM Ronnie remains motionless. A bird craps on his knee.
2:00 PM - 3:00 PM Ronnie remains motionless.
3:00 PM - 4:00 PM Ronnie begins to stir. He regains consciousness. Moaning, Ronnie assesses his physical injuries. He feels as though he has lost a significant amount of blood. His abdomen is numb. His legs throb with pain. "Jack!" he calls. Silence. "Come on, Jack, I know you're there! I handcuffed you to the guardrail, remember?" Silence. Ronnie lets out a painful sigh as he strains to crane his head to see behind him. His ruined body cannot turn enough to provide a view of Jack. "All right, Jack. Fine. Be a jerk." Thirty-four minutes pass. Ronnie calls out, "Hey Jack, wanna play that game where you say a movie quote and the other person has to guess what movie it's from? I go first!" Silence. "Say hello to my little Scarface!"
4:00 PM - 5:00 PM Ronnie remains motionless, but he smiles broadly. "Ha, I'm stumping you good, Jack! I'm stopping you cold! Okay, ready for the next one?" Silence. "I only got two things in this world: Scarface The Movie. And I don't break 'em for nobody!" Silence. "At least, I hope I got that right. I haven't seen it in a while."
It occurs to Ronnie that Jack has not yet answered. He reasons that perhaps Jack is not a movies kind of guy. For a few minutes, he tries in vain to think of something that he and Jack could hold a conversation about. A light bulb goes off in his head. He had earlier given himself cover by pretending to read a few random magazines he had happened to pick up from a nearby newsstand. Quickly, he grasps for them inside his jacket pocket. He produces a copy of Fantasy Baseball Plus, strains to bring the periodical to his eyes, and begins to read. "Hey Jack? Did you know that Ben Sheets: Star in the Making? Oh, and also, uh, Jerry Hairston, Jr. is the bargain-basement sleeper you've been looking for, Jack." He fishes for another magazine, and is mortified. His hand meets his gaping abdominal wound. He feels his stomach; it's entirely wet. It's worse than he'd feared. Ronnie tells himself to pull himself together, for Jack's sake. He knows that Jack has a weak constitution and that he shouldn't worry him at a time like this. "Play it cool, Lobell," he says under his breath. "Play it cool, you slick little hotshot, you." As nonchalantly as possible, he pulls out another magazine, this one sopping with Ronnie's entrails. "Oh yeah, so Jack! I read something interesting yesterday. It said that Paris Hilton was caught blood blood blood blood blood The Olsen Twins blood." Silence. 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM
As Ronnie loses blood, he grows more talkative. "HEY JACK LET'S PLAY I SPY. I GO FIRST! OKAY, I SPY SOMETHING...RED!" Silence. "BZZZT! WRONG ANSWER! IT'S MY BLOOD-SATURATED RETINAS! EEEEEEHEEHEHEHEHEEHEEEEE!"
6:00 PM - 7:00 PM
As Ronnie recovers from mild insulin shock, he regains his trademark Lobell lucidity. "Jack, I really appreciate you being here. I mean, I know you're handcuffed, but I know you could have gnawed your arm off or something, but you didn't. It really means a lot to me." He sighed. "Jack, do you ever get the feeling that...that...you've lived an incredible life, but nobody else cares? I mean, I've had so many great adventures. They could have made a show about me and called it 'The Excellent Escapades of Ronnie Lobell' or something. I know I didn't do much to impress you today, Jack. You only knew me for like, two hours. All I did was get in the way, and I hate it. I'm a really cool guy, you just have to give me a chance is all." Ronnie Lobell never thought he'd see himself choke up, but the tears suddenly began to flow. "Jack, I wish things had been different! I didn't mean to get shot! I wish I could have been your partner! I wish we could have found those terrorists! I bet we could have done it, Jack! You and me! I'm a street-smart wisecracker who's quick on the draw, and you're always sure to follow! It would have been great! It would have been fun..." Ronnie's train of thought gave way to fantasy.
"...we could have been friends." Ronnie's words dissolved into sobs. "I'm sorry, Jack," he whispered. "Jack? Are...are you there?" Silence. The thought that's been knawing at Ronnie Lobell finally takes hold. Warily, and with every last ounce of his strength, he rolls himself over, then stands up, then turns to look Jack in the face. Jack is not there. Ronnie drops to his knees and weeps. "F-Friend..." he stutters as he stares at his hands. He silently collapses to the Earth.
2:00 AM - 3:00 AM
Habib Marwan slowly drives over Ronnie Lobell's corpse with a cement mixer with a giant bomb attached to it. The bomb is really heavy. |
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