I met Emily on the day Aaliyah died. Since that day she and I have shared a lot of things. Tears. Elation. Hundreds of sandwiches. And a deep and ceaseless love of the Lebanese.
Lebanese is an adjective referring to matters related to the Republic of Lebanon, which is located on the eastern shores of the Mediterranean. About 91% of the population of Lebanon is urban and comprises many different ethnic groups and religions, including numerous Christian and Muslim sects. Because the matter of religious balance is a sensitive political issue, a national census has not been conducted since 1932, before the founding of the modern Lebanese state. Consequently there is an absence of accurate data on the relative percentages of the population of the major religions and groups.
We would like to change that.
From here on out, large sections of our website will be devoted to the discussion of Lebanon and its peoples, starting with our own national Lebanese celebrities and eventually branching out to include every man, woman, and child of Lebanese decent in the Republic.
Each man or woman will be judged, then tastefully rated using ethnic foods, such as the pita.
Frank Zappa
B: Frank Zappa had a prolific and successful career as a composer, musician, and director that spanned more than thirty years and over sixty albums. When I was ten years old I could barely distinguish him musically or physically from Dr. Teeth, the guy who led the band on the Muppet Show. It still gets to me how enlightened and world-weary you can feel when you're ten and have no concept of artistic urgency, and a guy can look like a Muppet because they're both hairy and weird and remind you of your Uncle. I'm worried about that ignorance never going away. It's like, listen, Jerry Garcia is playing a hundred and sixty chords on a foam slide guitar, so why, in the face of such overwhelming technical prowess, does "Franklin's Tower" still sound like the theme song to Alf?
Thankfully we don't stay ten years old forever, and I can succinctly explain to you why you should stop listening to Maroon 5 and start listening to old Zappa records. Over the last year Maroon 5 has released at least seventeen singles about how they just got finished with a relationship and are looking back on it with a fresh perspective. Kelly Clarkson has released one song that started in February and will not stop until November about how she can't believe she spent so much time in that interpersonal relationship. Frank Zappa's most famous song is about how he is an Eskimo named Nanook who saves the life of a baby seal by rubbing piss-soaked snow in a fur trapper's eyes. If that isn't enough, the man had an album named "Bongo Fury," and that is fucking hilarious and ahead of its time.
Zappa was a pretty amazing guy who accomplished everything from being the master and innovator of the Wah-wah pedal to fighting against the censorship of music on Capitol Hill, and, for the uninitiated, both looked and sounded like what would happen if Freddy Mercury had a baby with everybody from Primus. In 1995, Frank Zappa was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame alongside other progressive, experimental rockers like Martha and the Vandellas, and is most prominently remembered today as that guy who named his kids with a Pseudorandom number generator.
Emily: Wait, that's not Jim Croce?
Seriously I've been sitting here for twenty minutes and I have nothing relevant to say about Frank Zappa. Nothing. I'm one of those assholes who hears the name Frank Zappa and thinks not of his prolific music career, but thinks, "Dweezil, lol." I just. . .missed him, somehow. One of those artists who are supposed to be Really Good, but who I just could not give the slightest fuck about. Maybe I'm just cursed by my parents' musical tastes. When you're raised on the Allman Brothers, there's no room in your heart for Dr. Hook. Sorry, Frank.
Wait, no, okay. You really want to know what I think of this guy? Okay. Sometimes when a person is speaking, and my mother doesn't care to have them speak anymore, she will, for reasons I cannot fathom aside from the fact that she did a lot of drugs in the '70s, just look at the person and say, "piss off, Big Nose."
That. Right there. That is what I think of when I think of Frank Zappa. I think, "Piss off, Big Nose."
Pita Rating: 6 of 7 pita
Tiffany
B: Tiffany is a master detective. She THINKS we're alone now. There doesn't SEEM TO BE anyone around. It would be too difficult for her to use her head and eyeballs to look around to verify such a claim, so she's just gonna go ahead and assume that there's nobody else here. Plus, she's an adept observer. The beating of our hearts is the only sound. Well, that, and my voice as I'm talking to you and telling you how we're alone now, and also I am singing a song.
Tiffany Darwish was born to an overprotective stage-mother and that hopeful dolphin from Seaquest DSV in October of 1971, and by October of 1971 she was out on stage performing for her adoring fans and singing songs about how she is in love or about to be in love, or something. It is her history of mall tours and being famous for nothing special that would inspire Britney Spears and her gaggle of Russian doll cunts over a decade later. In 2002 Tiffany posed for Playboy, and in 2007 lent her part to the onset of Armageddon by participating in a television show where absolutely Y-level celebrities like Cletus T. Judd takes off his pants to be judged by army sergeants, and where Screech from Saved by the Bell is an arch villain.
Tiffany is pretty hot, considering that she looks like somebody put pink lip gloss on Fanto from Super Mario Bros. 2.
Emily: Seriously, what happened there? Was her face always so bothersomely pointy? You know how that Amy Winehouse girl looks like Janice from Friends grew up a street urchin? Tiffany looks like what would've happened if nobody had hugged Molly Ringwald as a child. Its not that she's not pretty, but she's stripper pretty. You might throw in for the lap dance, but only if you know you can offer her coke for a BJ in the parking lot after her shift ends.
Alternately, she looks like that one single mom you know would let you put it in her butt.
I was never a Tiffany fan. She and Debbie Gibson were just slightly before my time. I was a Paula Abdul girl. Which, knowing what we know now, I suppose makes it hard for me to make fun of anyone else's teen sensation. But you don't see Paula flashing bush for attention. No, she's perfectly content to chase her horse tranquilizers with cooking sherry and then rub herself inappropriately on Blake Lewis. Because that is what a real lady does.
Pita Rating: 4 of 7 pita
Casey Kasem
B: Casey Kasem is an under appreciated American pop culture super-hero who is important to me both for voicing some of my favorite cartoon characters (like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo and Robin from the Superfriends) and for hosting American Top 40, a radio show counting down the biggest hits in America, such as "Rub You the Right Way" by Johnny Gill. How Casey Kasem could be as talented as he is and get through twenty years of a show where "Rub You the Right Way" is supposed to be objectively lauded is beyond me, but he did it. He was also cool enough to send me an autographed photo with the word "ZOINKS!" written at the top, thereby continuing to earn my respect and admiration for eternity.
And really, why shouldn't you love Casey Kasem? He is the dream of the everyday housewife. You really can't top Casey in conversation. You're like, "hey man, I just graduated from college, isn't that cool?" Casey would be all, "yeah that's pretty cool but hey guess what, I was fucking Cliffjumper on the Transformers." No way. You're like, "Casey, my wife just gave birth to a baby girl, isn't that amazing?" And Casey would be all, "congrats man one time I did a long distance dedication of Rub You the Right Way by Johnny Gill to a boy with cancer and he got rid of that cancer and recovered from the cancer." Casey Kasem is such a dick and I love it.
Like Tiffany, Casey Kasem once appeared on a television show with Screech from Saved by the Bell, but unlike Tiffany, Casey Kasem did not fear and stress and flip out about it, because he was just on Saved by the Bell with goddamned Screech.
Emily: Casey Kasem is barely a real person to me. Casey Kasem is Rich Little's impression of Casey Kasem. We should've talked about Paul Anka. Now there's a man for you.
Pita Rating: 5 of 7 pita
Sammy Hagar
B: Sammy Hagar is the Red Rocker! I have no fucking clue what the Red Rocker is, but that's what he is, and I can't think of a better way to start a series of paragraphs about Sammy Hagar. Hagar had a successful music career but gained worldwide fame fronting Van Halen in that time period after they'd stopped being a fun-loving rock and roll band but before they'd become craggy old jokes. Van Halen's biggest hits under Hagar include "Poundcake," about how he loves his baby's poundcake, "Why Can't This Be Love?" about the reasons why this can not be love, and "Right Now," a politically charged song about how you should take care to make each moment of your life count constructively, and while you're doing so Sammy Hagar will be down in Cabo San Lucas doing Jello-shots off the orange belly of a fifteen year old.
Outside of his run with Van Halen, Hagar is famous for:
- being a part of the 70s rock band "Montrose"
- leading UNC to an NCAA championship against Michigan in 1993 as part of Eric Montrose
- the solo hit "Three Lock Box"
- the solo hit "Heavy Metal," partially taken from the DEN series of graphic novels
- "I Can't Drive 55," a tepid ballad sung from the point-of-view of a battered child
- being the Red Rocker
- having arguments with his Viking wife
- saving Metro City from Damnd and the rest of Mad Gear
- the Ben and Jerry's flavor "Oh, You Ate One Too?"
- the Ben and Jerry's flavor "For Unlawful Caramel Knowledge"
- the Ben and Jerry's flavor "Not 4 Sale," available in limited quantities
Emily: I liked Van Hagar better. There, I said it. Is that so wrong?
I just generally hate Van Halen. When I think of them pre-Hagar I think of DIAMOND DAVE and Eddie's big stupid bus driver face, and the little fat one who looks like all the members of Metallica and Santa Clause got squished together, and many man reasons to turn off classic rock radio. When I think of the Sammy days I think of the "Right Now" video when somebody picked up an implant. It was almost like a boob was on TV. I think the choice is clear.
Also, Sammy Hagar looks like this one girl I played softball with. Or like five girls I played softball with.
Pita Rating: 3 of 7 pita
Yasmine Bleeth
B: When narrowing down our choices for the first installment of Rating the Lebanese, we got to nine and had to choose either Yasmine Bleeth or Shannon Elizabeth as our tenth. Thankfully the choice was easy, because Yasmine Bleeth and Shannon Elizabeth are the same person.
I remember Yasmine Bleeth being HUGE as the browner Pamela Anderson during my puberty, but in the grand scheme of things she's remembered by people like Emily going "Ha, Yasmine Bleeth" and thinking about how hilarious your mug shot is when you've been driving around with syringes full of injectable cocaine. That's right, injectable cocaine is what Yasmine Bleeth was arrested for. That's like carrying around a bong full of cough medicine. That's like having weed pills.
A single unflattering booking photo was all it took to destroy Bleeth's entire career, and now she's married to a bar owner she met at the Promises clinic and is completely worthless to popular society. She will be remembered fondly for her slow-motion running on Baywatch, her romantic turn in BASEketball, and for helping Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, and Stone Cold Steve Austin bring criminals to justice on like 450 seasons of Nash Bridges.
Emily: So I was watching TV yesterday one of those HDTV commercials came on. You know, the kind where you think you're watching an old movie or TV show, and then the character starts talking to you about the benefits of HDTV? Anyway, so I'm watching and there's Pam Anderson, all old and haggard with the painful boobs. All I could think was, "why does she still get to be famous but Yasmine Bleeth doesn't?" I mean seriously. What in the career trajectory of Pam Anderson was good ol' Yasmine just not able to pull off? Was it the sex tape? The abusive marriage? The ability to do almost nothing and yet remain somehow culturally relevant? Really, why is Pam still around and not the rest of the Baywatch beauties? Come back to the five and dime, Erika Eleniak.
Personally, I'm sick of it. So I'm calling for a Yasmine renaissance. I think its time that we all take a moment and reflect on the good times we had with the most brunette of the Baywatch babes. Remember when she dated the blonde guy? And then the other blonde guy?And then her ugly sister did something, so she dated the Australian blonde guy? I do. And I think you do too.
So, fellas, the next time you're sitting at home in your boxer briefs, brushing Cheeto crumbs off of your moobs and debating rubbing one out to that music video where Pam Anderson eats the band Lit, stay your hand. Jerk it to Yasmine Bleeth instead. You'll be glad you did.
Pita Rating: 2 of 7 pita
Amy Yasbeck
Emily: Sometimes I look at pictures of Amy Yasbeck and feel like my soul is being sucked out. She just gives me a complete Evil Dead vibe. She's also one of those women who will never look correct in the 21st century. She is eternally 1993. Two redheads converged in a wood, and Marcia Cross took the road less traveled. I'm babbling a bit here because, honestly, what the fuck do you say about Amy "The Yaz" Yasbeck? This is a woman who thought it was a solid career decision to star in not one but two "Problem Child" films. Also I think she might've killed John Ritter. I'm still collecting evidence, but I feel my case is about to break wide open. In conclusion, Amy Yasbeck is the worst actress named after birth control ever.
Also you have to suck pretty hard to be THE one who made "Wings" terrible. Just look at Linda McCartney.
B: The most interesting Amy "The Yaz" Yasbeck talking point is how she's made me quote that line in Robin Hood: Men in Tights about how she's "sooo heppie" about a billion times in my life. It's right behind Leslie Nielsen Dracula falling down the stairs and screaming out all the vowels on my list of underrepresented and under quoted Mel Brooks comedy.
Here's a fun fact (it is so much fun): As a child, Yasbeck was the little girl on the cover of the Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven. Just think! In thirty years that little girl on the dismembered Bratz Styling Head box could be starring in your favorite independently produced film as the prudish wife of a middle-aged, cheating Jew.
Pita Rating: 3 of 7 pita
Jamie Farr
Emily: When I was a little kid I always got Jamie Farr confused with Luis the Mexican from Sesame Street. And sometimes I confused him with the Count. Then again, when I was a little kid I thought Bruce Springsteen and John Cougar Mellancamp were the same person, so apparently I was just an overly stupid child. Anyway, M*A*S*H sucks, is what I'm saying. When I think of my childhood, M*A*S*H is that one shining of example of not being able to figure out why the adults are laughing. I have to assume that it's like a kid today trying to watch Frasier. Or me, trying to watch Frasier. But! If there is one comedic element America has been able to consistently embrace, it's an ugly man in a dress. Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, the Bosom Buddies, we looooooove our men bewigged and with support hose cupping their balls. For that reason, I love Jamie Farr. Or I guess for that reason. I can't really think of any other reason I might love him. My undying love of celebrity golf tournaments?
None of the other characters on M*A*S*H (Hawkeye, Radar, Hotlips, Tackleberry, Deadeye Dick, Mr. T, Tallulah, Rumor, Scout, or American Treasure Tom Hulce) ever made me laugh. EVER. They all just made jokes about a war I didn't know anything about, or made double entendres I didn't understand. But Klinger? Klinger was a man in a dress. That's some comedy that a six year-old can get behind.
Night Court. That was some funny shit.
B: This... is Farr.
This... is NEAR.
This... is Farr.
This... is NEAR.
This... is Farr.
This... is NEAR.
This... is Farr.
This... is NEAR.
This... is... faaaugh (THUD)
Pita Rating: 3 of 7 pita
Kathy Najimy
Emily: Okay. I'm not one to make fun of a person for their appearance. Kathy Najimy is, was, and will always be the fat nun from Sister Act and I'm sure she's had to make peace with that. But, like, doesn't she kind of look like she's trying to secrete the My Big Fat Greek Wedding chick out of her pores?
Despite this, I kind of adore Kathy Najimy. My reasons are as follows:
- She had Gloria Steinem officiate her wedding, which is my nerdy women's studies option that I'm not going to dwell on because I know guys, okay?
- She's married to one or more members of The Dan Band. I have it on good authority that it might be Dan.
- She has a supporting role on the TV show Numbers, which I watch because I've had a nerd-boner for David Krumholtz ever since The Santa Clause.
- Okay, ever since Addams Family Values.
- I have a lot of nostalgic love for Hocus Pocus, aka The Only Time Sarah Jessica Parker Has Ever Been Hot. That last bit is irrefutable, I don't care what the E! Red Carpet Crew tries to sell me. SCREW YOU GUILIANA DEPANDI! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM!
B: I am one to make fun of a person for their appearance. Kathy Najimy was part of "The Kathy & Mo Show," an HBO stand-up comedy show that featured a woman who looked like Charlie Brown and a woman who looked like Linus standing around with their elbows on walls like Charlie Brown and Linus who made faces like asses and jokes like "MEN...WHO NEEDS 'EM!" to uproarous applause. It was so forced and infuriating that suddenly Whose Line is it Anyway became Arrested Development, black became white, and every glass of water I drank turned into dirt.
On the other hand, she voices Peggy Hill on "King of the Hill," which is without a doubt the most underrated animated show (and maybe just show, period) on television. Peggy's refusal to grow as a human being or learn from her mistakes would be god awful if Tress McNeill was speaking, but somehow Najimy's cadence and sound makes Peggy human and hilarious. Propane Maniacs!
That means I have to try and stay indifferent toward Kathy Najimy, as difficult as that may be. Like, she sang songs (actual songs) on the soundtrack to "Cats Don't Dance." CATS DONT DANCE YOU GUYS. How am I supposed to deal with that?
Pita Rating: 5 of 7 pita
Tony Shalhoub
Emily: I don't watch Monk. Not that I don't think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder isn't hilarious, mind you, because I do. There is truly nothing funnier to me than watching a man count out the number of corn kernels he's going to eat and line them up in little rows on his plate. Fucking. Hysterical. It's funny because he's different from you and me. No, I don't watch Monk because. . .Tony Shalhoub makes me sad. Doesn't he make you sad? Don't you look in that time worn hang dog face and just want to cry? I look in his eyes and I see dead grandmas.
It wasn't always like this. He was fine on Wings. I mean, who doesn't love a hapless Italian? Men In Black was fine, I guess, in that way where I don't hate it but never want to watch it again. And if an alien getting his head shot off and then growing a new head isn't comedy gold, well I just don't know what is. But now. . .God. Like, I'm sitting here trying to be funny, but the picture of Shalhoub is RIGHT THERE and like. . .this must be what it's like to see your own death. There is overwhelming terror and yet you just. Can't. Stop. Looking.
brb need to question my own mortality.
B: At 10 I shaved my head and tried to be Monk. I thought the older women would like me if I did. Turns out most of them didn't want to watch the USA Network long enough to find out about me. Nothing turns a woman on more than those I WANT YOUR HOT BOD body spray ads and 30,000 commercials for Skittles!
I would love to be the producer for USA. "Okay, commercial break. Run the 30 second spot for The Dead Zone. When that's over, run the same spot again. When that's over, run the same spot again. Then, when Cartoon Express is back on, put a big Anthony Michael Hall head in the bottom right that covers 40% of the screen and says THE DEAD ZONE in glittering flash letters until the next commercial break."
Pita Rating: 2 of 7 pita
Harold Ramis
B: The way I feel about Harold Ramis can be compared and contrasted.
Emily: I want to bone Harold Ramis. And not in a funny "death is not an option" kind of way. I want to booooooonne him.
It started when I was a kid. I mean, I didn't want to bone him when I was a kid. I had no concept of bonage back then. I thought babies came out of your pee hole. Nevertheless, I had a monster crush on Egon from the Ghostbusters. I thought that was weird until really recently. I mean, who else would I have had a crush on? Aykroyd? Are there little girls out there writing "Mrs. Ernie Hudson" on their trapper keepers? No, definitely not. It was all about the Egon. I remember very clearly watching the Ghostbusters cartoon and being SO PISSED that they have him that weird blonde pompadour hair. He looked like Max Headroom. It was like my childhood had died.
A few days ago I watched the movie "Knocked Up," which features a cameo by Harold Ramis as the father of my Permanent Boyfriend Seth Rogen. Harold has. . .I don't know how to describe it. It's not like he's gotten fat. He's just gotten. . .larger? Like I imagine if I met him his head would be like two feet wide. Like he's giving orders to the Power Rangers or something. And yet? BOOOOOOOOOONNNNE. His giant skull would crush me with ecstasy.
Seriously y'all, I'd like to "Analyze That" if you know what I mean. Ring-a-ding-ding!
. . . there is something seriously wrong with me.
B: The way I feel about Harold Ramis can only be contrasted.
Pita Rating: 7 of 7 pita
In Conclusion:
Lebanese Americans continue to make lasting cultural contributions. The Lebanese-born poet-artist Kalil Gibran is perhaps the most widely read and appreciated by American readers. Another prominent writer is children's author Naomi Shihab Nye. In Public affairs, Dean of the White House press corps Helen Thomas and consumer advocate Ralph Nader present prominent figures. In entertainment, Lebanese American stars include the comedian Danny Thomas and singer Paul Anka. Paul Orfalea, the founder of Kinko's photocopy stores, is also among the many Lebanese who have made their mark in America.
Thank you, Lebanon! You're the man!