Hoggle Hates Fags
The apropos Christian message of "Labyrinth"
written by Emily on April 12, 2025

I don't really know how to start this thing, so I'm just going to say it:

I'm quitting the website. To devote my life to God.

I can't really explain it. There's just been this void lately, something missing in my life that I couldn't put my finger on. I walk down the street, I take in the fragrances of spring, I breathe in and out, but it's like there was a shadow on my heart, and on my soul. And there wasn't enough sunshine to make it go away. Then one afternoon I was sitting by myself watching the 700 club (as I'm apt to do) when suddenly I realized, "hey, maybe it's possible to watch this show without irony. Maybe, just maybe, there's some truth to this mumbo jumbo."

Turns out, there was truth. The one ultimate Truth. And I just haven't been the same since I realized it. That shadow on my heart is gone, and has been replaced by the eternal light of Christ. I haven't started going to church, or gotten baptized yet, but I've been doing an awful lot of searching and studying on the internet, and it's really helped me to see how God sheds that amazing light on to every facet of our lives. Things we wouldn't even think to associate with Christianity are just rife with symbolism.

For example, I recently ran across this page. It's all about an ancient Catholic tradition of constructing elaborate Labyrinths and walking through them as a metaphor for their own spiritual journey. I don't really cater to the beliefs of the papists, but I still thought it would be a good idea. Unfortunately I realized a couple of days later that I don't really have the supplies, or the tools, or the floor space to construct an entire labyrinth. So then I tried to just re-arrange my furniture into a maze-like shape, but I don't think there's any real spiritual resonance that comes from walking circles around the orthopedic chair your parents gave you. Or maybe there is, and the Lord just hasn't shown me the way yet.

As it turns out, I didn't really need to build my own labyrinth. You see, as I was perusing my DVD rack trying to remove any residual sin from the shelves, I came across my old copy of the Jim Henson film, "Labyrinth."

Remembering my discovery, and my ill-fated attempts to find enlightenment via my futon, I popped the film in and, wouldn't you know it? Mr. Henson and his lovable Muppets had gone and filmed an entire spiritual journey almost twenty years ago! Of course, I'm sure the True message is lost on most of the people who watch it. They just enjoy it for the nostalgia, or the all-too prominent glimpses of David Bowie's area. Nevertheless, the message is there and it's clear to anyone willing to open their hearts and see it. I wrote an entire paper about it for my film class, but my professor didn't really like it. So, since this is my last post here, I guess I'll show it to you guys. That way the next time you watch the movie, you'll be able to think of me, Emily, for ever after in the warm embrace of God's love.

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
- 1 Samuel 1:27

Meet Sarah. On the surface, she seems like a normal teenage girl. She's a bit self-involved, head in the clouds, obsessed with the fairy stories of her childhood. Now look again. Look a bit closer at that book in her hands, the one she's so fond of quoting. Sure, it may say, "The Labyrinth" on the cover, but really, it's the Holy Bible. Think about it, this book is the one story to end ALL stories to young Sarah, the greatest story ever told, you might say. She quotes it frequently, it's her Truth. Starting to sound familiar??

Sarah may seem like a good strong Christian girl, but in reality, her soul is in danger. You see, Sarah comes from a broken home. Her mother is gone, and her father and step mother offer little support to her, moral or otherwise. She reads the Bible, tries to be a good Christian, but it's all just rhetoric to her. She doesn't really understand what it all means. The stories in the good book are just that, stories. Though she wants to be a good person, she has trouble accepted God in heaven. It's little shock, then, that Sarah finds herself with child. Not babysitting as the movie tells us, but with a child of her own, growing in her young womb. The screams of the child on screen are just Sarah projecting. She doesn't want the baby, wants nothing to do with it. She's even considering murdering the child in her own body, begging that it be taken far far away. And who should answer Sarah's unnatural prayers? Why, Satan, of course. Now, here in the film Satan goes by the name of Jareth, the goblin king. But. . . a rock star, in feminine makeup, who presides over a legion of horrible demons? It's not that hard to figure out.

Satan takes Sarah's child, just as she asked. But Sarah, knowing what she has asked for to be inherently wrong, rethinks her decision. Satan tries to tempt her with a crystal, the same as the apple that was offered to Eve. When Sarah does not give in, the crystal even turns into a wicked serpent! Undaunted, the devil refuses to return Sarah's baby, giving her so much time to escape his labyrinth of temptation and find her child. And with that, poof, he's gone.

Before Sarah even has time to make her way into the labyrinth, she is first tempted by the evils of homosexuality all around her. Sarah doesn't see anything wrong with the little fairies, thinks they're harmless. She likes the pretty little things and wants to touch their pretty little parts. But her decision winds up hurting her, as it always does, to touch strange flesh. Luckily for Sarah, we learn early that she will be guided through her journey by our savior, Jesus Christ. She first meets him outside the labyrinth walls, trying to exterminate all the fairies. Sarah seeks help from Jesus, but she's not sure she trusts him. In the end, though he does not guide her every step, it will be Christ who is the only one who can help Sarah through the maze.

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." - Psalm 118:8

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Once inside, Sarah can't figure out which direction to go. The life with God or without Him both look the same. She doesn't yet trust the word of Jesus. She treads in one direction, along the straight and narrow, but after her dalliance with the homosexuals, she's frustrated at being forced to go "straight." She's finally shown the way by a little worm, meant obviously to be seen as a phallic symbol. Why, he even has a quaint little cockney accent. The little penis shows Sarah which way is the right way, and even tries to prevent her from a path that leads to Satan.

We then have a brief interlude in which the devil and his dark minions put on a rock music number about how much they love voodoo and magic. This isn't really important to the larger point of the film, but it was clearly the filmmaker's statement on the evils of paganism. They even go so far as to say that to put a magic spell on Toby (the baby's name. . . well, that's his Christian name) would be to "make him free".

As Sarah moves about the labyrinth, she tries to help herself, leaving little markings so she knows the right path. But the labyrinth won't allow such a thing. You can try to make it on your own, but you just can't do it without God.

Sarah then comes upon two doors. She is asked to make a choice. One door leads to her baby, the other leads to certain doom. However, she is told that one door always tells the Truth, and the other door always lies. Clearly, Sarah is being asked to choose her religious path. If she chooses the righteous door of the Lord, she will find a way to save her unborn child from Satan. If she believes the lies of the other door, or another religion, she will find herself a fallen woman. Even though Sarah tries to make a wise choice, she is not yet confident enough to take the Christian door, and finds herself headed towards destruction. Even then the kind loving hands of her God reach out to help her. But again, Sarah unwisely asks to be sent down, towards Hell. Luckily, when Sarah finds herself all alone in the dark, who is there to rescue her but Jesus.

"And God said, Let there be light: and there was light." - Genesisism

Hoggle (the Christ figure) has a short cut out of the labyrinth. Obviously, this short cut would be to accept Jesus as her savior, but once again Sarah questions whether Christ knows the way. After being rejected once again Jesus acts skeptical about whether or not he should help Sarah find her way. But she gives him her bracelet and he relents. She gives to the church and she receives.

Once out of the darkness, Sarah and the Lord encounter several hollow voices who try to convince Sarah that her path (with Jesus) will lead to destruction. But these are just voices, connected to nothing, spreading propaganda. Obviously meant to be the anti-Christian media, Sarah is smart enough to ignore these voices, which only seek to fill her heart with fear. After avoiding the media, Sarah and Christ run head-first into the devil himself, trying to scare the two of them. It's interesting to note that Satan has trouble pronouncing the name of the Lord, (calling him Headwart or Heggle instead of Hoggle).

Once again the crystal apple is offered, and once again it's refused. But when Satan exits he leaves in his place a monstrous contraption called "The Cleaners." This is obviously supposed to be a cult, who seek the "clean out" the heads of the righteous and prevent them from accepting God on their own terms. Sarah manages to avoid the cult, but only by following Jesus.

After they're safe, Sarah proves once more that she's still uncertain of Christ's word, taunting him and saying she's certain she can find Satan and rescue her child on her own. She immediately crosses the path of an old man, and seeks his advice. The old man babbles a bit about nothing, and then falls asleep. He is Eastern religions. He gives a good sound byte, maybe throws out a proverb or two, but in the end is really of no assistance at all.

Once she's made her way past good old Confucius, Sarah hears the cries of a large monster, being tormented by a group of smaller creatures. Sarah rescues him by "casting the first stone," as it were, and immediately the monster, Ludo, extends the hand of friendship to her. Ludo is Christianity itself. He's a big behemoth, unfairly persecuted, but really he's sweet and pure and willing to give love to anyone who seeks it. Sarah's befriending of Ludo is an important step, because it means she is starting to accept Christianity, and Jesus, on her own terms.

Now with Christianity on her side, Sarah is once again shown two doors, and asked to choose a path. These two doors are liberal Christianity and conservative Christianity. One of them won't stop complaining, the other refuses to listen. Sarah makes her choice, and walks through her door, but Satan immediately robs her of her new found Christianity.

We then have a brief scene between just Jesus and Satan, in which Satan tells Jesus what he must do to prevent Sarah from completing her journey, and also that Jesus is a fool to think anyone would want to follow him. Some at this point may question why Hoggle seems to be afraid of the devil. He's not. Keep in mind that Jesus loves the devil, as he loves all of us. What he is afraid of is what the devil might do. He can't prevent him from executing his plans, because that would take away Sarah's free will. In fact, he's even forced to aid in Sarah's temptation, because he knows she must make the right choice on her own if she is to defeat the evils upon her mortal soul. So off goes Jesus with his unenviable task, to find Sarah.

Sarah, meanwhile, without the protection of her religion, has found herself among a bad crowd. A group of red creatures, all of whom sound like your typical blacksploitation jive turkeys, try to lure Sarah into participating in some of the evils of society. They dance, listen to rock music, gamble. They're even into body modification. When Sarah rejects these subculture vultures, they chase her, trying to pressure her into the sinful activities they participate in. Sarah only manages to escape when she is thrown a rope by (who else but?) Jesus Christ.

It is after, when Sarah tries to show physical love to her Savior, that she is reminded of the cause of her journey, and how she wound up in trouble in the first place. You see, Sarah finds herself in an abortion clinic, here referred to as the Bog of Eternal Stench. The film tries to shield the young viewers from the horrors of these dens of sin, but a discerning eye has no trouble figuring it out. Just look at all the Cronenberg-esque depictions of expunging vaginas, it's horrifying. Also, Sarah is told that if she dips even a toe into the bog, she will be stained for life. Just as a woman who has had an abortion if forever stained by the evil of what she has done. Sarah, rightly so, is disgusted with the place, and tries to escape as quickly as possible.

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." - Deuteronomy 32:4

Jesus, Sarah, and Christianity (who is reunited with Sarah when she rejects the evils of the abortion clinic) are prevented from leaving the horrible bog by a little dog named Sir Didymus, here representing the fallacy of science. He is a non-believer. He protects a little man-made bridge and waves his wand of "fact" in their faces. It should also be noted that Didymus rides on another little dog named Ambrosius, an obvious reference to Ambrosia, the food of the gods. It is fitting that he should ride atop a steed with a mythological name because, really, what's a bigger myth than science? He fights against Christianity, but in the end even the scientist can not deny the power of God, and even he repents and promises to be loyal. He allows them access to his bridge, but unfortunately the science is (as always) faulty and the bridge collapses as Sarah tries to cross it. She is in danger of falling into the bog until Christianity gives her a rock to stand on.

Once they are safe, Sarah is confronted with her biggest challenge yet, this one produced by Christ himself. Rather than offer her another apple, Jesus offers Sarah a peach. The peach, being another bit of vaginal symbolism, is meant for Sarah to eat so that she, having reverted to her sinful ways from the outside of the labyrinth, will forget all the important lessons she has learned inside. Jesus presents the peach Himself in hopes that Sarah will reject its evils, but she once again chooses unwisely. She finds herself face to face with the devil, who gives her a beautiful gown and sings a song of love to her. He tempts her with the images of a life she could have if she accepts him. The images that surround her are beautiful, but decadent, and Sarah is turned off by the demon faces that cover all the humans around her.

She escapes. She rejects the evil peach, but she is weakened. She can't remember what she was searching for, and the devil has one last trick up his sleeve. One last temptation. She is suddenly back in her own bedroom, surrounded by all the things she loves. Satan offers her her own earthly possessions, her own materialism, as a thing to fill her heart, a way to replace the love of Christ. But these things are empty, and it is only when Sarah consults her very own Bible that she remembers what she's been searching for, and that the things she owns are meaningless without Jesus.

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."  - James 1:12

She says with certainty for the first time that she absolutely has to save her baby. She is reunited with her companions and off they go to Satan's castle.

The group arrives first in Goblin City, the afterlife. They cross through the gates of Hell. They are confronted with a giant mechanical monster. Immediately, Science and Myth are scared away, what help could they be in a time of spiritual crisis? It is only Jesus Christ once again who is able to tackle the beast. Though he is David and it is Goliath, Jesus is able to overcome the beast's outer shell and show just how small Satan's power is with the help of the Lord.

As the group walks through the city, they are confronted with Satan's armies. They are chased, shot at, surrounded, things look bleak. However, once they become trapped inside a little house, Sarah once again calls on the power of Christianity to save her, and Christianity once again responds. Sarah's belief makes him strong, and Christianity is able to defeat an entire army with the faith of the Believers.

After the army has been laid to waste, there is nothing left for Sarah to do on her spiritual journey but face Satan. She knows she must do this alone, to prove she can make the right choices. But Jesus makes it clear that if she needs His help, he and Christianity will be right there waiting for her to call. Once inside the M.C. Escher room, the devil comes at Sarah from all angles. He tries to confuse her, make her believe that he truly cares for her. Sarah, undaunted, is focused merely on saving her baby. In the end, she knows she must make a leap of faith, and doing so leaves the devil's world in shambles.

"He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'" - Matthew 17:20

For the last time, Satan offers Sarah the crystal/apple, telling her that she can have anything that she wants and all she has to do is let Satan "rule" her (i.e. hand over her eternal soul). Sarah defeats Satan by recalling the words of her Bible, the ones she could never remember until now, and telling him that he "has no power over (her)." The devil is crushed, and Sarah is victorious.

"..for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." - 1 John 5:4

Back in her room (for real this time) Sarah sits at her desk while the baby quietly sleeps in the bed of her life-giving womb. She starts to put away her childish things, even sticks her Bible in a drawer. For a moment we are left worrying whether Sarah's transformation will last, whether she will stick to the lessons she has learned in the company of Christ. However, right as we start to worry, Christianity is there, and Jesus too, even the born-again scientist, all to make Sarah sure that, as long as she believes, Christ will be there with her. In her bedroom.

So, there's my essay. I hope you guys enjoyed it as a send-off post, and now maybe you can look at the movie in a different way. I wish I didn't have to go, I have so many other important things to tell you guys. But it just doesn't seem Christian to continue writing on a site that places their hatred of the New York Yankees higher than their love of our one true God. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. But, the next time you sit down to watch "Labyrinth," and realize that all the fun fantasy aspects of your childhood have been ruined by my religious philosophizing, just.. think of me, will you?