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January 19th, 1998
A lot of people think they're really tough. You've got your common street urchin, in his torn "Bon Jovi" jeans and bandanna, who walks up and down the avenue with his pants around his knees and his jacket poking out in several oblong positions. Then there's always the roughneck, the oil-drillers and truck-drivers, with NASCAR hats and tattoos that say "Sue" with some ugly naked chick straddling a pig or something. And let's not forget the high school bully, who thinks he's cool because he's a genetic freak, and because he has crooked teeth. So when I talk about tough, I'm not necessarily talking about anything that can be proven or, in most cases, even shown.
Toughness can be proven in several ways, but more often than not it's a simple representation of toughness that makes a man feel tough. Such as Ken Shamrock. He grew up an orphan on the mean streets, fighting to live, and wearing speedos. He grew up with a few lugnuts missing in his mind, and has an overall disturbing demeanor. He spent years competing in cages with men twice his size, who took much pleasure in pounding his ribcage into his throat. He fought and thrived, and moved onto a more challenging environment...the WWF. Who would you rather fight...a Japanese shootfighter, or a big fat black guy who makes out with dudes? A street-fighter from inner Brazil, or a man wearing gold makeup who makes out with dudes? A seven foot tall monster, or a little guy who wears leopard-skin pants and makes out with dudes? A giant Sumo, or...um, a giant Sumo?
Then there's Doug...he...he...um... ::sigh:: Okay, I have a confession to make. This fight isn't about toughness. Me an' Aaron were up really late on night and Doug came on Fox. I was tired and sedated, and commented that Doug kinda looked like Ken Shamrock. We laughed, and then I went upstairs to pee. So here's the fight.
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| KEN SHAMROCK | DOUG |
FIGHTING ABILITY
To start with (and from what I've gathered), Doug Funnie is a very unfunny 12 year old, who sits under trees and plays the banjo while he sings songs about girls named "Mayonnaise." That's pretty damn nasty. The only times he can fight are when he uses his imagination, in the time-honored Muppet tradition. Doug's imagination isn't nearly as helpful or visually impressive as Kermit's, or, to a lesser extent, Bean Bunny's. While the Muppets can mystically conjure dinosaurs and choppy footage from old Buck Rogers movies, Doug can, basically, make himself change clothes. But unfortunately for Dougy Doug, no belt strapped around your forehead can compensate for bony arms and chicken legs. Just ask my friend Tom.
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Aaaaaaaaah! All this talk about head-belts is putting me in the zone! It's five-knuckle shuffle time! Ken Shamrock is a very tough individual, even if he says queer things like "five-knuckle shuffle." He's the current (as of this date) Intercontinental Champion and Tag Team Champion (with his night-stick compadre, the Guardian Angel). Kenny won last year's King of the Ring, joining a prestigious group of winners such as Mabel. So with all his belts and fancy thigh-high kneepads, Ken Shamrock wins this category. Well, the fancy kneepads and the fact that he can crush a man's throat by screaming at him.
ADVANTAGE: Ken Shamrock
BEST FRIEND
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The best friend of "The Franchise" Doug Funnie is this man, a blue-skinned chap named Skeeter. Hey, you ever noticed that everybody in Bluffington has a different skin color? It's funny...while watching I saw people with yellow, blue, purple, tan, brown, and grey skin. But the main character is Caucasian. I think Disney's trying to send another one of it's perverted messages...anyway, Skeeter doesn't really do anything besides ride a skateboard and pretend that he's the Silver Surfer. He has a very "Jaleel White" feel to him, and even has patches on his pants. He has no real merit on the show besides to show that white people and blue people can co-exist. So maybe you blue people reading will stop being so damned racist and lower yourselves to being our goofy sidekicks.
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Ken Shamrock's best friend is a man named Dan "The Beast" Severn. As any loving pals do, the two have scuffled on occasion, and ever since Severn had his blue fur removed Shamrock's been a bit PO'ed. You know, I met Severn at the mall about a month ago, and I tell you honestly, the man is huge. His chest is bigger around than about three of me, and his mustache probably could defeat many of the Denver Broncos. But the jerk made me pay five dollars to have his autograph, and that's pretty sad, considering that he was hanging out at a central Virginia mall. Eh, who cares, Shamrock beat his ass anyway.
ADVANTAGE: Doug, his friends don't charge extra for ego.
ENEMIES
Ken Shamrock competes in the WWF, and has feuded with some questionable characters. His first notable feud (notable meaning "one I can remember") was against Owen Hart, the Nuggy Nugget. If you've read any of the other wrestling related fights on this page you probably already know how the CSME staff feels about the youngest of the Harts. Actually, I'm sure almost all of you feel the same way, considering that his biggest achievement to date was making Aaron laugh watching the Blue Blazer run. Shamrock's current feud (since he's a member of the cWo) is with Degeneration X. The only reason this feud ever started was because Shawn Michaels came out on RAW and made a member of DX fight Ken Shamrock or the Big Bossman. Actually, that was EVERY RAW from the past two months. I think that making someone fight Ken Shamrock is in the commissioner's job description. Oh yeah, and Billy Gunn mooned his fake sister. So now I guess we'll find out that Ken Shamrock is Taka Michinoku's cousin or something.
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Doug's antagonist is a very "Fonzie" character known as Roger. Roger wears a vest and rolled up blue-jeans and carries around his cat all the time. So can you really say he's worth anything? I think the most anti-social thing I've ever seen him do was maybe throw a paper airplane. What happened to the good old days of Disney cartoons? Like when Scrooge would beat people in the head with his cane? Or when the Gummy Bears would beat the fraggles out of the trolls? Or when Baloo's plane crashed and he got his intestines caught on the gear shift? Or when Gadget and Dale got freaky and we found out why the fly's name was "Zipper?" I hate the new rating system.
ADVANTAGE: Eh, Shamrock I guess.
GIRLFRIEND
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When it comes to the ladies, Doug has his sights set on only one...a Southern tan/orange lady named Patti. She's got blue sweatpants, pink shoes, and a polka-dot T-shirt that looks like it came out of the back of Sapphire's closet. Her skin complements her Anne Heche-like butch haircut, while her voice warns me what it would be like if Fran Drescher got knocked up by Jesse Helms. And her last name is "Mayonnaise," which is more than sexually suggestive. Doug has even commented that "Pattie is the mayonnaise for me." Shouldn't Doug be supplying the mayo? I guess he's only 12, so the probably haven't taught him that in health class yet. They're probably still on the digestive system or nutrition or something useless like that. The only good part of health class was looking at the dirty pictures people drew in the book. Basically what I'm saying is that Patti isn't all that great, but she's better than Shamrock's girlfriend.
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Shamrock hangs out with Ray Traylor, also known as the Guardian Angel, Big Bubba the Bodyguard, Big Bubba Rogers the leather-clad biker, Big Bossman, the Boss, the Man, and Andy Griffith. Bossman has had some memorable moments in his career, including his befriending of a minority wrestler (One Man Gang), losing to Macho Man about a billion times, twirling a night-stick, serving "Hard Time" to Curt Hennig, giving us all something to remember when he battled the ex-convict named "Nailz," and giving Tony Schiavone another reason to say "Sidewalk Slam."
ADVANTAGE: Doug E. Doug
TAKING "DOGGY-STYLE" INTO CONSIDERATION
What a wonderful world we live in, where we can talk about Ray Traylor and anal sex on the same webpage.
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Doug's best friend (and the only one who takes him seriously) is his dog, conveniently named "Porkchop." Porkchop is one of the messed up rip-off cartoon dogs who are there to wear funny costumes and do funny things while the human people act all stupid. To sum up Porkchop's personality for one who has never seen the show, imagine if Shark-Dog from Eek! the Cat and Brain from Inspector Gadget got in on and had puppies. Then give him a technologically advanced doghouse like Snoopy and several comic expressions and mannerisms in the tradition of Scooby-Doo and BOOM, you have Porkchop. Come to think of it, if you shave Doug bald, add a few pounds to him, and make him hate the Jews and you've got Charlie Brown.
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I'm not saying that wrestling is gay, nor am I saying that men in underwear rolling around with each other isn't a bit off-center. But when you straddle a porn-star, something's up. The only thing that gives Shamrock the category is that his doggy-style involves him doing one of two things:
1) Pulling your head back so
far that he snaps your back and makes you a vegetable; or
2) pummeling you repeatedly in the nose with his cool Diesel
gloves.
And come to think of it, it doesn't look like Val's having too good a time.
ADVANTAGE: Ken Shamrock
RESULTS
Shamrock punches self in head. Shamrock screams. Shamrock beats the hell out of Doug. The end.
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THE WINNER,
3-2
all this talk about winners is puttin me in the zone!
KEN SHAMROCK
or, as Roadie says,
"Shemrock"
