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Kenan and Kel
One "K" short of "Komedy"
Written by Nick on July 13th - 2004

I would like to start this article off by declaring my deep and profound respect for Nickelodeon as a children's network. I grew up watching countless episodes of "Salute Your Shorts" and "You Can't Say That On Television". I credit my entire childhood towards the syndication of G-rated humor. I was also a very big fan of "All That" when it first came out, mostly in part because I lacked the concentration necessary to keep an attention span above three minutes. Two prominent stars on this show were ones Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell.

The two were often paired together for many of the skits that the show entailed. Most of their team comedy consisted of Kel dressing up as a cow and Kenan being saturated with the milk flying from his nether regions. This, of course, was Kenan's only weakness, him being lactose intolerant. Kel would celebrate by rubbing his udder and making comments like "HOW FORTUNATE THAT MY ONLY MEANS OF OFFENSE SEEMS TO BE YOUR HARMATIA" and "STAY TUNED FOR DOUG". Kenan probably then hit him on the head with an incense stick or something, I forget.

Anyway, the two seemed to have an impeccable combination going with each other, and the public demanded more. As we're all too familiar with, when the public demands something it receives the amount desired twofold, to the extent where they wish they had never even been given a taste of the product. So how was Nickelodeon going to exploit these two rising stars?

Awwwwww, here goes.

Fat one: check
Annoying one: check

Seriously, that seems to be the recipe for every two-bit show on Nickelodeon, the fat guy and his annoying friend or vice-versa. Remember when Ren and Stimpy switched places, when Ren was really fat and stupid and Stimpy got all skinny and yelled at Ren all the time? Yeah, I really couldn't tell the difference either. The only problem here is that Kenan and Kel wasn't a cartoon, so violence wasn't really allowed. This, vicariously, meant that the skinny annoying guy couldn't even beat around his counterpart. This leaves many holes within the frame for any kind of program I should be expected to watch.

The spin-off revolved around several archetypes, which consisted of:

The Fat Son

Kenan Rockmore, played by Kenan Thompson, is best described as a poor decision-maker. He once thought it wise to sell all of his earthly belongings at second rate offerings in order to boost his collection of nickels. His true goal was to put The Tooth Fairy out of business, as for his last tooth he received neither nickel nor penny. Once this guy gets a grudge, he don't quit.

Most of his half-assed schemes involve his unquenchable thirst for bling. On more than one occasion he was seen pilfering through garbage cans in search of shiny objects to tie onto a piece of shoelace. He did have a job at the local grocery store, though. Unfortunately for him the pay was far below minimum wage, due to the fact that it wasn't so much a grocery store as a discount opium factory. He spent his early years working as a coke mule, but look at him now.

Kenan's favorite phrase was "WHYYYYYYYYYYY?" This is because he rarely understood how anything worked.

"This is a pencil, Kenan. When you drag it across shit it leaves a trail."
"WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"
"Because the coefficient of friction between the surface and the buckminsterfullerene or graphite found within the pencil is greater than the adhesive forces found within the substance."
"WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"
"Shut the FUCK up. (cracks broomstick over dome-piece)"

The Skinny, Quasi-Retarded Friend

Kel Kimble, played by Kel Mitchell, is the staple of the sitcom. Every episode starts off with Kenan proposing some idiotic idea to get some quick cash, and Kel usually gets swept up in things. From here the plan usually works until Kel falls off of something onto something crucially important to one of the side-characters, an iron lung perhaps. Cue Kenan: "WHYYYYYYYYYYY?"

At this point I would also like to make mention of the fact that 98% of the audience for these shows had been completely unawares that the opposing gender possessed dissimilar gonads. They lived for repeatable catch-phrases, the shorter the better. The one word catch phrase is probably the single most valuable tool when warping young minds.

Kel, on the other hand, had an extremely long catch phrase, putting familiar words such as "Dy-no-mite" and "Daaaaay-vie" in a state of disarray. Allow me to spell it out:

(orange soda is mentioned)
"Kel loves orange soda."
"Is it true?"
"Mmmmm-hmmmmmm. I do I do I do…ooooo."

The internal completion of the bodily functions necessary to perform this task greatly outways the amount of enjoyment any single person could have possibly received from it. This is breaking Nick's First Rule of Humo(u)r. Think of how much energy is being expounded from my fingers while I'm typing this article. Do you think this article is worth the calories being burned? This energy could be used for things much more useful, such as low-cost heating or beating the shit out of Kel Kimble.

The Temperamental Father

Roger Rockmore, played by Ken Foree, is probably the most cliché character in the cast. It's not entirely his fault, though, seeing as every episode was based around his getting pissed off. Most of these episodes involved Kel coercing Kenan into using his dad's car to drive to some obscure destination; the annual taco sale forty miles east, perhaps. Of course everything would go to plan until Kel offended some hermaphrodite, sending the sexually confused subject into a fit of rage, smashing the hood of the car with an enormous taco of sorts. Kenan's jaw drops, and Kel makes an offhand comment like "This is the worst taco sale I have ever been to" or "I sure wish that taco was soft shell."

"Ke-NAN!"
"Uh…uh…yes Dad?"
"Where's my car!?"
"Uh, you see Dad…"
"It won a prize, Mr. Rockmore!"
"What? How can a car win a prize, Kel?"
"It had a raffle ticket!"
"Yeah, because it was so shiny, Dad!"
"Well…what'd it win?"
"Uh…you see Dad…it uh…"
"It won a dinner and a movie!"
"What!?"
"Uh…yeah, dinner and a movie."
"Kel, go home"
"Yes, sir."
(Kel leaves, gives Kenan thumbs up behind Father's back)
"Now that is just nonsense, Kenan. Where's my car?"
"Uh…well you see…the truth is…"
(Kel crashes car through living room, flies through windshield)
"Awwwww heres goes"

The Over-Protective Mother

Sheryl Rockmore, played by Teal Marchande, was the kind of character that just got under your skin. You felt yourself being put in an all too familiar circumstance where you are being shat on by seniority. Moms possess a power that still baffles many of today's front-running scientists. It's with this ability that mothers all over the planet are able to shit, time and time again, all over their children.

"Mom, can I go over to Kel's?"
"Absolutely not."
"waht/ Why not?"
"It's too dangerous, you could be hit by a car."
"He lives on the same side of the street as us, I don't even have to cross the street."
"No means no, Kenan."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."
"Keep up that dirty-talk and I'll take away your pacifier."
"Not my binky! (runs to room)"

When you can relate to a character's personal pains it hurts twice as much. It's this kind of bullcrap like drama that makes me throw shit through various screens and monitors in my house.

The Nosey Little Sister

Kyra Rockmore, played by Vanessa Baden, annoyed the fucking shit out of me. I'm calling you out, bitch.

"Whatcha doin', Kenan."
"Building a model plane."
"Lemme see! (smashes plane)"
"(sigh) That's the fourth model this week, Kyra."
"OMG czech out my fly bootz."

Kyra also had a crush on Kel, which is very understandable, seeing as Kel slipped her ruffies on a more than regular basis.

"I love you, Kel."
"You're like 9, kid. I'm almost 18."
"I'm mature for my age."
"You've got the breasts of a plate of glass."
"Yeah, but I've been working on my ghetto booty, see?"
"That's about as ghetto as The Olive Garden. Why don't you like kids your own age?"
"I appreciate girth."
"Snap."

Kyra was a sick puppy.

It was within these everyday relationships that Kenan's story was told. Of course there were smaller relationships present in the show, such as Kenan's boss and the poorly portrayed woman of his heart. I won't go into much depth on these characters, as I really don't give a shit about them. Actually I will go into absolutely no depth on these characters, leaving them anonymous. I hate phony characters like that. It's almost as though the show was made below budget and decided to just shove 10 grand in front of some shmuck, telling him to hold a broom and wear an apron while being laughed at for being the only white guy on the set.

As bad as a show may be, it's always wise to count your blessings and realize how bad of a program could have been made. It's easier to appreciate the writers as human beings when you come to the cognizance that the product created before you is actually not the worst possible. Imagine Kel having unexplained access to a megaphone. Hmm? Yeah, not so bad anymore, is it?

It's the shows like Kenan and Kel, poorly crafted spin-offs from highly successful sketch comedy, that turn brains into bong water. I really don't mind as much as the next man, given that as soon as I'm dead I don't give a crap what happens to all the suckers left in my dust.

-Nick
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